Computers & Internet Tinder Part Deux

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owen87 said:
IMO if you've been on half a dozen dates and are keen to pursue it further, I'd do that.

Talk to the girl you've been seeing about whether she's seeing anyone else and if she's keen to see where things go. You'll have a clear answer one way or another, if she wants to keep playing the field it might be best to cut your losses now and move on as I'd say after half a dozen dates you should have a pretty good sense of someone being worth investing more time in seeing or not.

If after half a dozen dates she's wanting to see other people still, I'd take that as her hedging her bets because she's waiting for someone else to come along.
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I feel like I was leaning this way and I feel she wouldn’t be keen to hang out if she wasn’t interested but feels strange in some ways as we haven’t added each other on socials (not sure if that’s even weird at this point).

Thanks for the advice!
 
bok_party said:
I feel like I was leaning this way and I feel she wouldn’t be keen to hang out if she wasn’t interested but feels strange in some ways as we haven’t added each other on socials (not sure if that’s even weird at this point).

Thanks for the advice!
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Yes the modern world of technology and apps and social media etiquette is a lot to try to navigate at times. She might be just as keen and just as confused about how to progress as you are!
 
owen87 said:
Yes the modern world of technology and apps and social media etiquette is a lot to try to navigate at times. She might be just as keen and just as confused about how to progress as you are!
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It’s so stupid isn’t it? But good point that she might be feeling the exact same way. Seeing her tonight so will see how it goes! Thanks mate
 

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revo333 said:
General advice these days is, go exclusive after 3-4 dates and then make it social media official after 2-3 months.
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Well it didn’t matter anyway. Apparently we were on completely different wavelengths. She wouldn’t let me leave for work the last time I was at her house and then a week later she said no spark… Very contradicting actions and words. Honestly baffled as she seemed like she was pursuing me more and messaging me a lot 🤷‍♂️
 
bok_party said:
Well it didn’t matter anyway. Apparently we were on completely different wavelengths. She wouldn’t let me leave for work the last time I was at her house and then a week later she said no spark… Very contradicting actions and words. Honestly baffled as she seemed like she was pursuing me more and messaging me a lot 🤷‍♂️
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Sounds like she was talking to other guys and found a new interest.
 
revo333 said:
Sounds like she was talking to other guys and found a new interest.
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Yep. Generally any baffling actions in the modern dating arena can be explained by this. People kind of fall in to the trap of looking for the next shiny new thing instead of sticking with a good one.
 
Sketi said:
Surely people don't still update their relationship status on facebook?

My girl has no social media which is honestly so refreshing.
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They do mate. Don’t know why they don’t just set the privacy settings on relationship status to “only me”
 
owen87 said:
Yep. Generally any baffling actions in the modern dating arena can be explained by this. People kind of fall in to the trap of looking for the next shiny new thing instead of sticking with a good one.
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One thing I learnt is that sometimes it’s not always that simple. I learnt alot about patterns/traumas over the last couple years and sometimes it can be as simple as they actually cut you off because they are afraid they will get hurt first. Not saying that was the reason exactly but stuff like that can trigger fears of intimacy/abandonment.

The other thing is people (mainly women) seem to think, as you said, there is something better. They have been brainwashed by Disney fallacy of the “one” or as this girl said, a “spark”.

A spark/butterflies whatever you want to call it can also be related to childhood traumas in that you feel more safe when it’s chaotic because that’s what you were used to in your home so when you find someone who you feel calm and at peace with, it feels boring and your body is unable to see it as safe.

No one is perfect and you will always bring different triggers out in each other. People should be looking for compatibility first anyway because if you aren’t compatible when the “spark/honeymoon” period is over, you’ve got nothing then.
 

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owen87 said:
Yep. Generally any baffling actions in the modern dating arena can be explained by this. People kind of fall in to the trap of looking for the next shiny new thing instead of sticking with a good one.
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It seems to be acceptable that if you go on a date with someone 1-2 times, you are still allowed to talk to other people on dating apps.

Absolute trap I agree.
 
bok_party said:
One thing I learnt is that sometimes it’s not always that simple. I learnt alot about patterns/traumas over the last couple years and sometimes it can be as simple as they actually cut you off because they are afraid they will get hurt first. Not saying that was the reason exactly but stuff like that can trigger fears of intimacy/abandonment.

The other thing is people (mainly women) seem to think, as you said, there is something better. They have been brainwashed by Disney fallacy of the “one” or as this girl said, a “spark”.

A spark/butterflies whatever you want to call it can also be related to childhood traumas in that you feel more safe when it’s chaotic because that’s what you were used to in your home so when you find someone who you feel calm and at peace with, it feels boring and your body is unable to see it as safe.

No one is perfect and you will always bring different triggers out in each other. People should be looking for compatibility first anyway because if you aren’t compatible when the “spark/honeymoon” period is over, you’ve got nothing then.
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Just a thought and quite happy to recognise its based on my own personal interactions and reactions to relationships

But keen enough to not let you leave then pushing you out the door could be a classic ''lets see how keen he really is''

I wonder if the withdrawal is a test? Now she may not be conscious of how she interacts - as you note above long term trauma or behaviours can set in and impact thinking

To be fair I have been blind to some of these interactions - its only long after I realised what was happening.

Or I could be wrong - have been plenty of times before :D
 
GreyCrow said:
Just a thought and quite happy to recognise its based on my own personal interactions and reactions to relationships

But keen enough to not let you leave then pushing you out the door could be a classic ''lets see how keen he really is''

I wonder if the withdrawal is a test? Now she may not be conscious of how she interacts - as you note above long term trauma or behaviours can set in and impact thinking

To be fair I have been blind to some of these interactions - its only long after I realised what was happening.

Or I could be wrong - have been plenty of times before :D
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Haha I mean look - I thought that it’s possible but do I want someone who’s testing me at 36? Like I’m too old to play games with that shit. If she really wants something she will cave first.

I personally think she freaked out because it was going well. Realised she’s been hurt in the past and has thought let’s cut it before I get hurt.

The spark thing was a load of crap because what else could she say? She’s been pursuing me, writing very positive messages, saying how great a guy I am and how beautiful my eyes are - my friend happened to be at karaoke when I took her there after the first part of our date and she couldn’t take her eyes off me. Even he was shocked about her reasoning.

I hate dating haha.
 
Perth gal said:
I’m sorry. I hope your next one is a little more stable.
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22 has been a shit year. Partner cheated on me just as I was about to propose and moved over to Melbourne with the guy. She asked me to quit my job just prior as well so when it happened I had lost a house/job/dog/partner in one fell swoop.

Said I hadn’t grown as a human (which was wrong) just to justify it in her head. She has an IG page for her business and writes blogs/posts about me saying horrible things that weren’t true. One of the strangest endings to a relationship I’ve had and it broke me down this year. Had to build myself back up over months.
 
bok_party said:
22 has been a s**t year. Partner cheated on me just as I was about to propose and moved over to Melbourne with the guy. She asked me to quit my job just prior as well so when it happened I had lost a house/job/dog/partner in one fell swoop.

Said I hadn’t grown as a human (which was wrong) just to justify it in her head. She has an IG page for her business and writes blogs/posts about me saying horrible things that weren’t true. One of the strangest endings to a relationship I’ve had and it broke me down this year. Had to build myself back up over months.
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Wtf that’s ****ed. Sorry that happened to you.

2023 will be better!!
 

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