took er jobs!!!

[craffles]

With a new season fast approaching a lot of ex AFL players are now out of employment.

THEY TOOK ER JEBS!!!

Which left me wondering, what could they be doing now? where could they be? What skills have they built from their AFL career? What can they put on their resume and what new career would suit them? Let's take a look former Adelaide player Robert Shirley.

Personal Resume of Robert Shirley
​

​

Employment History: Adelaide Football Club 2000-2009
Position: Tagger/Midfielder


Achievements: 151 AFL games, 28 career Goals, Serial Pest to Chris Judd

Skills: Pissing people off, stepping on toes, ruining peoples days.

Referees: Chris Judd- 1800 FIGJAM




Potential Job?

​

Parking Inspector

Traits Required: Unnecessarily piss people off, be willing to cause people anger and enjoy it, be well and truly unliked by all of society and preferably unnattractive as it won't matter when people punch you in the face.

Applications Close: Never cause nobody except for annoying jerks want this job
​

​

 

[Miguel Sanchez]

Matthew Lloyd - Olympic diver.

(inb4 every Hawks fan)

 

[Donakebab]

Fail, Shirley played 151 games.

Also he already has a job, playing Ainslie trying to win himself a flag, albeit in a shite competition.

 

[Bert1]

Fail, Shirley played 151 games.

Also he already has a job, playing Ainslie trying to win himself a flag, albeit in a shite competition.

I can get a game for Ainslie so

 

[craffles]

How about former Geelong player Kane Tenace?

Personal Resume of Kane Tenace
​

​

Employment History: Geelong Football Club 2004-2009
Position: Run fast guy


Achievements: Getting on an AFL List, outrunning Tom Hawkins in a training drill, 54 AFL games, 11 goals.
Skills: Running Fast, deceiving people about his abilities and what he is doing

Referees: Dale Amos, Geelong VFL Coach




Potential Job?

​

Professional (Bad at it) Criminal

Traits Required: Very fast to run away from police, not a high level of intelligence, ability to lie about your behaviors and physical traits. Candidates should preferably be from a geographic area that is "rough" or full of people with no teeth. Applicants from Frankston, Geelong, Broadmeadows or Sunshine will be highly regarded.

Applications Close: Dec 23rd, so the successful candidate can burgle house on Xmas eve and score the goods
​

​

 

[Duritz]

Kevin Sheedy, professional nob.

/thread coz i'm the awesomest

 

[Bert1]

Kevin Sheedy, professional nob.

/thread coz i'm the awesomest

Is that some kind of Digimon character?

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Mitch Thorp
​

​

Employment History: Hawthorn Football Club 2007-2009
Position: Detract attention away from club failing in 2009 guy, make beau dowler's head look normal guy.


Achievements: Biggest Mad Dogg 2008 (awarded by Mitch Thorp) 2008 VFL reserves encouragement award
Skills: Talkin smack, reppin the apple isle, being a mad dogg.
Referees: Mitch Thorp (noone aint better than me)




Potential Job?

​

White Guido Guy who hangs at coffee shop and fake tans himself and wears turtle neck sweaters

Traits Required: Applicant must be so full of themself they think their shit does not stink. Applicant must be so arrogant they must think that fake tanning and wearing turtle neck sweaters is fully sick and looks good. Carrying weapons is essential as it is assumed you are terrible at fighting. Salary package does not include mad dogg turbo skyline, it is expected the applicant will already be sick enough to own one.

Applications Close: whenver brah
​

​

 

[GeorgeGrljusich]

I always thought it was "They took our jerbs".

 

[craffles]

I always thought it was "They took our jerbs".

something like that.. i actually interpret it like THEY TEK ER JERBS..

 

[WCErevival]

Derka Deerrrrr!

 

[Cohzee]

Finally a thread worth reading!

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Hayden Skipworth

​

Employment History:
Adelaide Football Club 2001 - 2006
Essendon Football Club 2009

Position: List Clogger/Babysitter.


Achievements: AFLPA most sexual favours given to coaches to play AFL

Skills: N/A

Referees: Jason Cloke (Current team mate)


Potential Job?

​

Host of Own Nanny Reality TV Show

Traits Required: Must be good at converting troublesome players/children into mature, obedient footballers. Must look like a dish cloth and have the personality of one too. Must be willing to whore oneself out if the show fails and give sexual favours to superiors to achieve desired results.

Applications Close: 29th of January 3041
​

​

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Chris "Bear" Bryan

​

Employment History:
Calrton Football Club 2005 - 2006
Collingwood Football Club 2007-2009

Position: Get angry and boot shit far bloke


Achievements:
2006 Barnaby French team spirit award
2009 Shannox Cox work ethic award


Skills: Tall, Angry, Hit shit

Referees: Dylan Mclaren, Lachlan Keefe (Former Teammates)


Potential Job?

​

Professional Midget Tosser

Traits Required: Must have strong physical build and be aggressive. Must be able to kick small objects in excess of 60 metres as midget kicking will be introduced to the midget olympics in 2011. Physical appearance must be unkempt and freak like as successful applicant is likely to do carnival appearances. It is highly desirable that the successful candidate be abused as a child or exposed to intolerable working environments over the past five years so there is extreme levels of pent up rage that can be used to toss short people great distances. Interstate and International travel required.

Applications Close: 26th of January (Annual Toss a Midget and Australia day BBQ)
​

​

 

[Deledinho]

Kayne Pettifer pls.

Good thread.

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Kayne Pettifer

Employment History:
Kyabram Fake Vaginas 1999-2000
Richmond Football Club 2001-2009


Position: Vagina mould model and Football Impersonator


Achievements:
2008 Terry Wallace "Chin up, we keep spuds employed" Award
2009 Damian Hardwick "Piss off Spud" Award


Skills: Injuring oneself, kicking out of bounds under no pressure.

Referees:
Gerry Jeffwitson (Kyabram Vagina Moulds Manager) 1900 - VAG MLD
Terry Wallace (Richmond Coach) 1800 TAN MAN


Potential Job?

​

Full time Road Safety Cone


Traits Required: Applicant must be good at nothing. Body must be used to being subject to large amounts of physical pain as applicant will be run over whilst at work. Applicant must be ready for spontaneous travel as teenagers regulary take our employees hostage. People who have been previous employed in positions that require standing still for a long time are encouraged to apply (Vagina models are particularly sough after)

Applications Close: Who cares? Surely noone will apply for this job​

​

 

[jonoman89]

Personal Resume of Kayne Pettifer

Employment History:
Kyabram Fake Vaginas 1999-2000
Richmond Football Club 2001-2009


Position: Vagina mould model and Football Impersonator


Achievements:
2008 Terry Wallace "Chin up, we keep spuds employed" Award
2009 Damian Hardwick "Piss off Spud" Award


Skills: Injuring oneself, kicking out of bounds under no pressure.

Referees:
Gerry Jeffwitson (Kyabram Vagina Moulds Manager) 1900 - VAG MLD
Terry Wallace (Richmond Coach) 1800 TAN MAN


Potential Job?

Full time Road Safety Cone


Traits Required: Applicant must be good at nothing. Body must be used to being subject to large amounts of physical pain as applicant will be run over whilst at work. Applicant must be ready for spontaneous travel as teenagers regulary take our employees hostage. People who have been previous employed in positions that require standing still for a long time are encouraged to apply (Vagina models are particularly sough after)

Applications Close: Who cares? Surely noone will apply for this job​

​

I laughed at first, then realised his dad died recently in a car crash. Probably a bit under the belt this one.

 

[craffles]

I laughed at first, then realised his dad died recently in a car crash. Probably a bit under the belt this one.

i was going to avoid pettifer for said reasons but a richmond fan requested it.... the poor bloke had the worst run of luck between 08 and 09

 

[Capt_Concussion]

I laughed at first, then realised his dad died recently in a car crash. Probably a bit under the belt this one.

Not really...

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Ryan Brabazon

Employment History:
Sydney Football Club 2006-2009

Position: Token player with Z in last name.


Achievements:
Apparently played 3 games of AFL
2009 Annoying me on the AFL Pub trivia game "Barry" cause I never guess him as the answer
2008 AFLPA Hayden Skipworth List Clogger Award


Skills: Goldeneye Nintendo 64 invisibility cloak permenently switched on, noone can find him or has ever seen him?

Referees:
If he told you, he'd have to kill you.


Potential Job?

Liberal Party Leader

Traits Required: The Australian Liberal Party is seeking the ultimate phantom. The one noone has heard of. Preferably a token minority or someone who sounds like a token minority with a Z in their name for universal appeal. Candidate must live in the ACT or NSW, be willing to sell themselves to the public and swim in speedos to show off their delicious body. Previous Applicants need not apply (I'm talking to you Costello)

Applications Close: Never because we stand no hope of winning the next election.
​

​

 

[Schulzenfest]

Thread needs this:

[youtube]KLni3wbndls[/youtube]

Continue.

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Russell Robertson

Employment History:
Melbourne Football Club 1997-2009
It Takes Two Conteststant 2008

Position: Steve Hooker Wannabe/ Cat being strangled noise maker


Achievements:
Heaps of fully sick speccies
Melbournes leading goalkicker award 3 times (whadda ya need to win that like 12 goals a year?)
Getting de-listed from the worst club in the competition.



Skills: Jumping, falling over, missing goals from 2metres out, singing shitly, being a soft ****, having a hot Mrs, growing mad facial hair (Damn Yze showing me up)

Referees:
Kate Ceberano - Fellow cat being strangled noise making partner from It Takes Two


Potential Job?

Rex Hunt's Replacement on 3aw

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant with a deadset awful voice. A voice noone wants to listen to and that makes people want to throw up. It is preferred that the candidate would be an ex AFL player who has played the game so they have some knowledge of play. However it is also preferred that the candidate be a shit ex player so when they talk jibberish, make up words and cover up their womanising it doesnt reflect as badly on the radio station. Applicants with sick facial hair are welcomed as the role does not involve face to face interaction with the public.

Applications Close: Feb 1st, before the NAB Cup
​

​

 

[craffles]

For hawks fans

Personal Resume of Matthew LLoyd

Employment History:
Essendon FC 1995-2009

Position: One of the greatest full forwards of all time.


Achievements:
Premiership medallist
5 times All Australian
3 times Coleman Medallist
11 times Essendon Leading Goalkicker
Essendon's Leading Goalkicker of All time
Seventh Highest goalkicker of all time
Goal of the year 2007, Mark of the year 2008
Essendon and AFL Life Membership
Essendon FC previous Captain
Taking out pussy Brad Sewell
Ruining Campbell Brown's street cred


Skills: Booming accurate left foot, dangerously good leading and marking skills, awesome haircut, always professionally dressed, great at determining wind speed, awesome hip and shoulder, backs up words with actions, kicks lots of goals and doesnt get injunctions slapped on him. There is nothing Matthew Lloyd can't do.

Referees:
Doesn't need any referees, his achievements speak louder then words (eh campbell brown?)

Potential Job?

Jesus like Religious Figure

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant that has achieved everything they could ever want to. An applicant who has done so much in their lifetime that is now time to start giving to others. The successful candidate must be a doer and make people accountable for their words. They must eat, breathe and live team spirit and will do anything and everything to help those closest to them. Only applicants who are professionally presented, of the highest calibre and who can take pussies like brad sewell out and shut campbell brown up to win the game for their team will be considered. Applications from shit trucks like Sam Mitchell, Lance Franklin and Cyril Rioli will not be read.

Applications Close: Already closed, there can only be one successful applicant and we all know that's lloydy.
​

​

 

[demon48]

Personal Resume of Russell Robertson

Employment History:
Melbourne Football Club 1997-2009
It Takes Two Conteststant 2008

Position: Steve Hooker Wannabe/ Cat being strangled noise maker


Achievements:
Heaps of fully sick speccies
Melbournes leading goalkicker award 3 times (whadda ya need to win that like 12 goals a year?)
Getting de-listed from the worst club in the competition.



Skills: Jumping, falling over, missing goals from 2metres out, singing shitly, being a soft ****, having a hot Mrs, growing mad facial hair (Damn Yze showing me up)

Referees:
Kate Ceberano - Fellow cat being strangled noise making partner from It Takes Two


Potential Job?

Rex Hunt's Replacement on 3aw

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant with a deadset awful voice. A voice noone wants to listen to and that makes people want to throw up. It is preferred that the candidate would be an ex AFL player who has played the game so they have some knowledge of play. However it is also preferred that the candidate be a shit ex player so when they talk jibberish, make up words and cover up their womanising it doesnt reflect as badly on the radio station. Applicants with sick facial hair are welcomed as the role does not involve face to face interaction with the public.

Applications Close: Feb 1st, before the NAB Cup
​

​

Well done. And I'd take Robbo over Rex any day.
Although I'm thinking that Robbo will put Warwick Capper out of a job. That's assuming Capper still has a job.

Edit: Was enjoying this thread until the Lloyd one.

 

[Duritz]

Ryan Houlihan (who I assume has ended his footballing career) -

Skills: Wearing underpants at inappropriate times.

Future job prospects: