Unwanted Pregnancy Advice

[Mojo]

Hi guys,

This is the last place I ever thought I'd share this story but I'm struggling a little, so here goes...

I went on a couple of dates towards the end of last year with a girl I met online - it didn't go anywhere, but we occasionally swapped messages. Tbh, it was fairly one-sided, and she wanted more from me than I did from her.

Fast forward several months to April this year; I agreed to see her again, and we ended up having drinks and sleeping together. The next morning I find out she wasn't taking contraception - a mutual error, and one I'll now regret forever. Subsequently, I asked her to visit the doctor to attain the Morning-After Pill, and to my shock surprise she tells me, she's not going to because she gets a bad reaction from taking it.

Over the proceeding few days, I implore her to go to the doctor, however, in lieu, she tells me she's taking pregnancy tests and they've come back negative. I assumed that was the end of that experience, and I put it behind me.

Fast forward 6 weeks - approximately 2 weeks ago now - she messages to tell me she wants to speak to me in person. Well, naturally, my heart sank, knowing what her topic of conversation was going to be about. My only hope, was that she decides to terminate the pregnancy.

The following day, a Saturday, she informs me she is pregnant and is going to keep the baby. I have a fairly stressful job, so this almost tipped me over the edge.

I spent Saturday afternoon, and the next several days, begging her not to go down this path; the consequences it would have on my life, the actions that had led us there, however, unfortunately, it's fallen on deaf ears.

This girl (woman) is several years older than I am, 45, so she sees this as her last opportunity to have a baby.

I'm defeat, and no longer know what to do.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know.

 

[rdhopkins2]

That’s tough mate! I feel for you.

At the end of the day it’s her body, so if she keeps the baby you will need to decide how much you want to be around, even if you aren’t with the ladyfriend. I’d probably ask for a DNA test too when the child is born. I think you deserve that certainty of knowing that it’s definitely yours.

You can only be honest like you have and tell her you’re in no position now for a child and that your reasons why you won’t be able to be the best Dad you’d want to be for your child.

So if she keeps the baby, you’re providing minimum / as you see fit child support etc.

If she still wishes to keep the baby knowing your stance and circumstances, it’s obviously not ideal for you or the child even if she’s happy that she’s finally become a Mum.

A really tough one.

Consider contacting as a start? https://pregnancyhelpaustralia.org.au/looking-for-help/fact-sheets/specifically-for-men

 

[faible]

Hi guys,

This is the last place I ever thought I'd share this story but I'm struggling a little, so here goes...

I went on a couple of dates towards the end of last year with a girl I met online - it didn't go anywhere, but we occasionally swapped messages. Tbh, it was fairly one-sided, and she wanted more from me than I did from her.

Fast forward several months to April this year; I agreed to see her again, and we ended up having drinks and sleeping together. The next morning I find out she wasn't taking contraception - a mutual error, and one I'll now regret forever. Subsequently, I asked her to visit the doctor to attain the Morning-After Pill, and to my shock surprise she tells me, she's not going to because she gets a bad reaction from taking it.

Over the proceeding few days, I implore her to go to the doctor, however, in lieu, she tells me she's taking pregnancy tests and they've come back negative. I assumed that was the end of that experience, and I put it behind me.

Fast forward 6 weeks - approximately 2 weeks ago now - she messages to tell me she wants to speak to me in person. Well, naturally, my heart sank, knowing what her topic of conversation was going to be about. My only hope, was that she decides to terminate the pregnancy.

The following day, a Saturday, she informs me she is pregnant and is going to keep the baby. I have a fairly stressful job, so this almost tipped me over the edge.

I spent Saturday afternoon, and the next several days, begging her not to go down this path; the consequences it would have on my life, the actions that had led us there, however, unfortunately, it's fallen on deaf ears.

This girl (woman) is several years older than I am, 45, so she sees this as her last opportunity to have a baby.

I'm defeat, and no longer know what to do.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know.

No real advice I can offer here, but if you're struggling then definitely reach out for support or help. Find a psychologist or counsellor to help you work through it. This is a pretty big thing to come to terms with and it sounds like you're not getting much choice in how this situation is unfolding.

 

[Mojo]

No real advice I can offer here, but if you're struggling then definitely reach out for support or help. Find a psychologist or counsellor to help you work through it. This is a pretty big thing to come to terms with and it sounds like you're not getting much choice in how this situation is unfolding.

Thanks Faible.

My coping mechanism has always been to bury my head in the sand and try to forget. I don't have that option atm.

I sort legal advice yesterday. That was pragmatic but has only exacerbated my concern, after learning truths.

Unfortunately, I'm not a person that can ignore I have a child in the world either.

 

[Run n Spread]

Hi guys,

This is the last place I ever thought I'd share this story but I'm struggling a little, so here goes...

I went on a couple of dates towards the end of last year with a girl I met online - it didn't go anywhere, but we occasionally swapped messages. Tbh, it was fairly one-sided, and she wanted more from me than I did from her.

Fast forward several months to April this year; I agreed to see her again, and we ended up having drinks and sleeping together. The next morning I find out she wasn't taking contraception - a mutual error, and one I'll now regret forever. Subsequently, I asked her to visit the doctor to attain the Morning-After Pill, and to my shock surprise she tells me, she's not going to because she gets a bad reaction from taking it.

Over the proceeding few days, I implore her to go to the doctor, however, in lieu, she tells me she's taking pregnancy tests and they've come back negative. I assumed that was the end of that experience, and I put it behind me.

Fast forward 6 weeks - approximately 2 weeks ago now - she messages to tell me she wants to speak to me in person. Well, naturally, my heart sank, knowing what her topic of conversation was going to be about. My only hope, was that she decides to terminate the pregnancy.

The following day, a Saturday, she informs me she is pregnant and is going to keep the baby. I have a fairly stressful job, so this almost tipped me over the edge.

I spent Saturday afternoon, and the next several days, begging her not to go down this path; the consequences it would have on my life, the actions that had led us there, however, unfortunately, it's fallen on deaf ears.

This girl (woman) is several years older than I am, 45, so she sees this as her last opportunity to have a baby.

I'm defeat, and no longer know what to do.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know.

We've all been there mate here is my advice
1. Do not sign or acknowledge anything. The fact she is over 45 is bullshit . But if you're not married not your responsibility

2. Do not antagonise or offer advice. Ask her what's happening . It may be true she is pregnant.
3. You've been set up good and proper. Given her age and yours there is a very real chance she is indeed pregnant as a last ditch. Or not really
Br prepared. But you'll be one of a few choices
But prepared you are most likely not the father.
4. Wait a few days and offer support.
If you're the father you owe responsibility. But absolutely tell her you will offer full support pending a DNA test. There available for 600 a pop google it.

 

[Mojo]

We've all been there mate here is my advice
1. Do not sign or acknowledge anything. The fact she is over 45 is bullshit . But if you're not married not your responsibility

2. Do not antagonise or offer advice. Ask her what's happening . It may be true she is pregnant.
3. You've been set up good and proper. Given her age and yours there is a very real chance she is indeed pregnant as a last ditch. Or not really
Br prepared. But you'll be one of a few choices
But prepared you are most likely not the father.
4. Wait a few days and offer support.
If you're the father you owe responsibility. But absolutely tell her you will offer full support pending a DNA test. There available for 600 a pop google it.

Thanks Run n Spread.

She has her prenatal tests done tomorrow, so I'll know more.

I imagine if this birth does goes ahead, I'm going to have to be amicable towards this woman, for the sake of my child.

 

[Run n Spread]

Thanks Run n Spread.

She has her prenatal tests done tomorrow, so I'll know more.

I imagine if this birth does goes ahead, I'm going to have to be amicable towards this woman, for the sake of my child.

Your child is all that matters.
But ffs get a DNA test done

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

I'm really sorry you're in this position. I second the suggestion for a DNA test - these can be done in utero but she may not agree to it.

It would be insanely bad luck for you if she is pregnant with your child after one shag. Statistically, there's a less than 5% chance of a woman conceiving in her mid-40s. Has she had her HCG levels tested or just used an at home test?

Hope you're okay.

 

[Bostonian]

+1 to the DNA test.

There's plenty enough footage on trash tv shows of people claiming someone was the father only for more information to come out they were with multiple other sexual partners at the time.

 

[Mojo]

I'm really sorry you're in this position. I second the suggestion for a DNA test - these can be done in utero but she may not agree to it.

It would be insanely bad luck for you if she is pregnant with your child after one shag. Statistically, there's a less than 5% chance of a woman conceiving in her mid-40s. Has she had her HCG levels tested or just used an at home test?

Hope you're okay.

I really appreciate this post, thank you.

She actually messaged me yesterday saying, "I can't have a paternity test until the baby is born".

 

[Deadlift Pro]

Damn brother thats rough but you never go raw on a 28+ yr old woman for this very reason. I wouldnt even leave a used franga around just incase they artificially inseminate.

In all seriousness, do you already have any kids or no? Are you finacially alright? Its not that hard to support a kid, and you might even want to be part of their life. Just realise people much less equipped than you have done it, you will be OK.

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

I really appreciate this post, thank you.

She actually messaged me yesterday saying, "I can't have a paternity test until the baby is born".

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test - Australia's DNA Testing Specialist | DNAQ

How does the Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test work? During pregnancy, fetal DNA is present in the maternal blood. Paternity can be determined by sequencing and analysing cell-free fetal DNA that has been extracted from the maternal blood. This test is non-invasive, only requiring a blood...

dnaq.com.au

This one just requires a doctor's referral and a blood test.
Do you know if she's had a dating scan? That will give an estimated due date, and you could calculate the date of conception from that.

 

[krided]

Damn mate, was she hot?

Jokes aside though, have you ever considered being a father? Heaps of people make mistakes and still hold on to their children, not implying you have to commit but perhaps just give it a thought.

 

[Frank Bunn]

As far as child support goes, you don't fit the regular criteria to be assumed as the legal parent. She would have the option of applying to the court, which would involve a paternity test.

But you seem more concerned about your parental obligations to your possible child. Try not to stress about it. If the child is yours and you decide not to be involved then think of it as a sperm donation. Otherwise it will be totally up to you how much of a role you play in the child's life. Kids can be a great joy and also a total pain in the arse but it's natural to feel a bond with them.

 

[Mojo]

Damn brother thats rough but you never go raw on a 28+ yr old woman for this very reason. I wouldnt even leave a used franga around just incase they artificially inseminate.

In all seriousness, do you already have any kids or no? Are you finacially alright? Its not that hard to support a kid, and you might even want to be part of their life. Just realise people much less equipped than you have done it, you will be OK.

I don't have kids. I always wanted to be a Dad, though.

 

[Mojo]

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test - Australia's DNA Testing Specialist | DNAQ

How does the Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test work? During pregnancy, fetal DNA is present in the maternal blood. Paternity can be determined by sequencing and analysing cell-free fetal DNA that has been extracted from the maternal blood. This test is non-invasive, only requiring a blood...

dnaq.com.au

This one just requires a doctor's referral and a blood test.
Do you know if she's had a dating scan? That will give an estimated due date, and you could calculate the date of conception from that.

She had pre-natal tests done a week and a half ago. I presume she'd know when the due date is now?

 

[Mojo]

Damn mate, was she hot?

Jokes aside though, have you ever considered being a father? Heaps of people make mistakes and still hold on to their children, not implying you have to commit but perhaps just give it a thought.

Yeah, of course. I wouldn't be able to ignore a child of mine in the world, much to her surprise apparently.

 

[Fart Cummings]

She had pre-natal tests done a week and a half ago. I presume she'd know when the due date is now?

Thats rough mate, she would definatley know the date but im not sure id take her word for it? maybe ask to go to the 12 week scan with her if that hasnt been yet. Theres also a test that cost around $500 that does an acurate test for all genetic things which at her age Id suggest.

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

How's it all going Mojo ?

 

[dumb]

Thanks Run n Spread.

She has her prenatal tests done tomorrow, so I'll know more.

I imagine if this birth does goes ahead, I'm going to have to be amicable towards this woman, for the sake of my child.

you'd be surprised. don't have any experience personally (yet...) but it's possible to co-parent without being amicable if it comes to it. that does tend to involve various external parties creating co-parenting conditions to adhere to.
being amicable does make the journey smoother, though.

 

[Mojo]

How's it all going Mojo ?

Thanks for checking in, MrsEddieBetts!

We actually haven't spoken in several weeks - I think I mentioned that I asked her for proof of her pregnancy, a paternity test and if the baby was healthy (once she'd had her prenatal tests). Unfortunately, she didn't want to provide anything to me, so I gave up.

However, a fortnight ago she unblocked me from Instagram and posted a pregnancy photo with her due date (Jan). I suppose any hopes I'd had she was making this up were gone, so life's been a bit challenging lately.

TBH, I'm still really struggling with anger towards her, however, I recognise if I want to be a part of my child's life, I'm going to have to find a way to get past my feelings.

 

[Run n Spread]

Thanks for checking in, MrsEddieBetts!

We actually haven't spoken in several weeks - I think I mentioned that I asked her for proof of her pregnancy, a paternity test and if the baby was healthy (once she'd had her prenatal tests). Unfortunately, she didn't want to provide anything to me, so I gave up.

However, a fortnight ago she unblocked me from Instagram and posted a pregnancy photo with her due date (Jan). I suppose any hopes I'd had she was making this up were gone, so life's been a bit challenging lately.

TBH, I'm still really struggling with anger towards her, however, I recognise if I want to be a part of my child's life, I'm going to have to find a way to get past my feelings.

Ok your in a bit of a pickle here.
By rights she can
A. leave you off the birth certificate deny you access and not communicate with you ever again.
B.She can also demand child support and support in general.
Here is your problem from my pov. Take or leave.
If you say stuff A I want in on the child's life put me on birth certificate she can do B. But no way I'm doing that if Im you without proof (DNA test).
If she goes option B you can say not without a DNA test and she moves to A cutting you out.
You have to find a way to get the DNA test done.
IMO (and I'm a random on the net no way know the situation).
Baby is nearly due shits got real and being a single mum is dawning just how hard it can be
You're a good chance of being the father (and she sees you as a safe pair of hands hence coming to you initially unblocking you)but she imo was no doubt screwing other guys hence not jumping at a DNA test.
You may need legal advice. (Is there a community legal centre you can book for a consultation?)
Now if you really want advice. I could tell you what I'd do but that may not work for you. Anyway take care.

 

[Mojo]

Ok your in a bit of a pickle here.
By rights she can
A. leave you off the birth certificate deny you access and not communicate with you ever again.
B.She can also demand child support and support in general.
Here is your problem from my pov. Take or leave.
If you say stuff A I want in on the child's life put me on birth certificate she can do B. But no way I'm doing that if Im you without proof (DNA test).
If she goes option B you can say not without a DNA test and she moves to A cutting you out.
You have to find a way to get the DNA test done.
IMO (and I'm a random on the net no way know the situation).
Baby is nearly due shits got real and being a single mum is dawning just how hard it can be
You're a good chance of being the father (and she sees you as a safe pair of hands hence coming to you initially unblocking you)but she imo was no doubt screwing other guys hence not jumping at a DNA test.
You may need legal advice. (Is there a community legal centre you can book for a consultation?)
Now if you really want advice. I could tell you what I'd do but that may not work for you. Anyway take care.

No, please, your advice is welcome!

I sought legal advice.. it just confirmed everything you said; I don't have many rights.

Her advice was to find a way to be apart of the pregnancy/be supportive, if I want to be involved of my child's life.

 

[Run n Spread]

No, please, your advice is welcome!

I sought legal advice.. it just confirmed everything you said; I don't have many rights.

Her advice was to find a way to be apart of the pregnancy/be supportive, if I want to be involved of my child's life.

Ok. Fine. Ignore the legal advice that was shit frankly.
Stay quiet. Don't engage. As hard as it is wait till the kid is born and start saving.
Wait till baby is born. Eventually her family will be asking not unreasonably who's the father?
And than all bets are off.
You have a decision to make.
If you want to be involved.on January whatever be in Communication demand to be involved and state you want to pay child support visits marriage if you will (you could do an arranged marriage if you will have a arrangement it's happened many times). But it's all contingent on a DNA test.
Just be prepared who knows you.may even like her (the mother I mean) But a non negotiable is a DNA test that is run n Spread kc advice.
If you don't want to be involved by all means ****.off but otherwise follow above

 

[Mojo]

Ok. Fine. Ignore the legal advice that was shit frankly.
Stay quiet. Don't engage. As hard as it is wait till the kid is born and start saving.
Wait till baby is born. Eventually her family will be asking not unreasonably who's the father?
And than all bets are off.
You have a decision to make.
If you want to be involved.on January whatever be in Communication demand to be involved and state you want to pay child support visits marriage if you will (you could do an arranged marriage if you will have a arrangement it's happened many times). But it's all contingent on a DNA test.
Just be prepared who knows you.may even like her (the mother I mean) But a non negotiable is a DNA test that is run n Spread kc advice.
If you don't want to be involved by all means ****.off but otherwise follow above

I loved it until you mentioned 'marriage'.

At the moment, I can't imagine a point in time where I forgive her, but I'm convinced if I'm not the one bending backwards, she won't put my name on the birth certificate.

Her entire focus from Day 1 has been 'I want a baby'; and will do anything and everything to get what she wants.