Supermercado reviews the 2016 AFL fixture.
Like pro wrestling or a crooked 50’s gameshow everyone knows the AFL fixture is rigged, but there’s still a certain fascination in seeing the result.
There’s probably an entire wing at AFL House dedicated to the segmentation research which says the same people who enjoy the Excel spreadsheet extravaganza of Brownlow Night (e.g. us) will also be roped into the ‘drama’ of fixture reveal leaks week, no matter how much they complain about it on social media. So instead of just pulling back a curtain and going “ta dah!” the AFL drip feeds us to the point where the final reveal is a bigger anti-climax than the final episode of Seinfeld.
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This year, with all the nous of an organisation who now have one foot firmly in the sports entertainment camp, the league decided to toss in a last minute media-friendly bombshell by announcing a bye after Round 23. This doesn’t sound like much for those of us whose teams usually have a 20 week long bye at that point of the season, but is intended to stop the last round of the season descending into farce when finals bound teams rest 11 players.
Apparently the idea came to Gil McLachlan at the last minute (we are unable to confirm rumours that he was visited by the ghosts of Fixtures Past and Fixtures Present during the night), but considering the AFL’s track record for introducing new rules at the drop of a hat we should be thankful they decided this now and not in the middle of Round 19.
Alternatives abound for ways to pour 18 teams into a 22 game season, but the process can’t be easy when you’ve also got to crowbar in as many blockbusters and local derbies as possible. The league’s fixture boffins must have to don protective suits and work in a sterile environment until all the appropriate KPIs are met, like Collingwood not having to travel interstate often. Full bonus payment for that one again this year.
The final touches are put on the fixture at AFL House. Yesterday.
Pre-Season Comp
For the overly emotionally committed lunatics among us, the first stage of the Fixture Festival is scouring the NAB Challenge games to see if there’s anywhere that you can conveniently schedule a ‘family holiday’ at the same time. For Melbourne fans this year our options were Elizabeth and Craigieburn, so I’ll assume Baghdad Stadium was already booked and stay at home.
At the other end of the glamour scale (at least as far as location is concerned) is the battle between Brisbane and St Kilda at the Harrup Country Club in Mackay, which should prove amazing when somebody does their knee in a greenside bunker. If all goes well Kevin Sheedy will nick the idea of a Caddyshack tribute game for Essendon.
Other regional centres that will enjoy glorified practice matches (and now there’s no cup to play for can these games even be called glorified?) include Wangaratta, Burpengary (!), Mount Barker and the south-east Melbourne suburb of Beaconsfield which apparently counts Fev and Vanessa Amorosi amongst its greatest exports.
The Real Matches
The real stuff starts with Carlton debuting their revolutionary forward-free side against Richmond in the now traditional Thursday night opener. It’s a night where footy journos everywhere will be praying for an upset so they can start trying to get Damien Hardwick sacked early.
On paper it doesn’t seem like a great contest, but there’s still something magical about the first game of the season. So it seems odd that the first Saturday of the season features crowd pleasing clashes like Melbourne vs GWS, Gold Coast vs Essendon and North vs Adelaide. Collingwood vs Sydney at ANZ Stadium is the pick of the bunch, as long as they can run a metal detector from one end to the other without finding enough construction materials to build a four bedroom house.
Once you’ve worked out your side’s first game and identified how many wins in a row you’re going to have at the start of the season (let’s be optimistic and say 25) interest quickly turns to the potentially crucial last round fixtures. If you support a top four or top eight contender have you drawn the league’s perceived duds, and at the other end would you relish a last minute trip to Subiaco in order to lift the prize packet of top draft picks. Now that they’ve introduced the trading of further picks there will also be supporters across the land enjoying the added element of cheering for unrelated sides to plummet down the ladder and inadvertently deliver draft gold.
With any luck we’ll go into the last round with live races and down the ladder, because the league has crafted a juicy set of games with potential finals implications. Adelaide vs West Coast and Sydney vs Richmond seem particularly relevant to the battle, while Hawthorn vs Collingwood, North Melbourne vs GWS and Fremantle vs Western Bulldogs could decide the fate of both sides.
On the other hand, Essendon against Carlton and St Kilda against Brisbane (this time sadly not being played on a golf course) will presumably be the sort of games where experienced players sit in deckchairs drinking Pina Coladas while hapless rookies play their heart out in a last gasp attempt to avoid being delisted.
Big Winners
On-field the big winners appear to be Geelong, fresh off from reloading their side after what passed for a rebuilding year in their universe they’ve been handed a dream mid-table draw which should see them rocket straight back into the finals.
Off-field the Western Bulldogs have been rewarded for their surprise 2015 finals campaign with three Friday night games. It’s a touching recognition of their generally crowd-pleasing brand of footy, but runs the risk of going belly up if they turn back into a pumpkin at midnight of Round 1.
Hawthorn will go into the season as red hot favourites, and if we learnt anything last year it’s that declaring they’ll go unbeaten is just as stupid as writing them off when they suffer a surprise defeat in the first few rounds. With three games in a row against last year’s finalists there’s every chance they’ll have the sort of faulty start that causes ‘pundits’ to write them off prematurely before backtracking furiously in September.
The Hawks will go back to the Gabba for the first time since 2008, and also provide the opposition for the triumphant return of GWS to Spotless Stadium after the Easter Show. Which is an ironic name for a ground which is probably knee deep in horse shit while the show is on.
Hawks play at the Gabba – First time since 2008
Of last season’s other main contenders we can only assume that West Coast are pleased with their draw because they didn’t immediately dash out a furious, blood-stained press release. Meanwhile Freo’s ageing list will engage in a bone-creaking Magical Mystery Tour of Australia taking in every state, territory and dependency other than the ACT and Norfolk Island.
After two preliminary finals in a row there still remains a faction of North fans who are desperate to get rid of Brad Scott, so he’ll be desperate to get off to a hot start in the first half of the season when they’ve got a favourable draw before it turns nasty later in the year.
The Friday Night Blues
At the other end of the football universe, Carlton’s time in the spotlight has come to an abrupt end. After the season opener they’re frozen out of the marquee timeslots and won’t play any games on Friday night. Neither will Melbourne, but they’ve been compensated with the second edition of their ANZAC Day eve match against Richmond. Meanwhile the Tigers are obviously in good stead at headquarters because they’ve pocketed a league leading seven Friday games for the season.
Every other article about the draw will use various systems to work out who the winners and losers are, and I’m not going to compete with Rohan Connolly because if his Twitter is anything to go by he probably gets a bit punchy so the best advice I can give you is that no matter how compromised the draw is nothing’s going to save you if your team is complete crap.
Every year there’s one side that busts out of footy prison and makes something of themselves, but to compensate there’s two or three who could be handed any sort of soft draw and fail to take advantage. May your team be this year’s Western Bulldogs (which is convenient if you already follow them) rather than 2016’s answer to the free-falling Gold Coast Suns.
Once the draw has been analysed to within an inch of its life and you’re convinced that your side is going to finish somewhere between 1st and 18th we get down to the most important aspect of the fixture release, telling your friends and relatives the 22 dates every year where you’ll be unavailable for any social event short of a birth, death or marriage.
Best of luck for any round where you’re not playing the Dees.
