Certified Legendary Thread Covid, Life, UFOs, Food, & Wordle :(

Remove this Banner Ad

Status
Not open for further replies.
The Royal Sampler said:
I have a patient today with the same name as a Simpsons character… that’s a first for me.
Click to expand...

Episode 18 GIF by The Simpsons
 

Log in to remove this ad.

stui magpie said:
You've never had a patient called Lisa?
Click to expand...

Full name!

That’s right, I looked at the patient list and saw a poor chap named “Comic Bookstoreguy”.
 
sideswipe said:
I guess Troy McClure.

But I want it to be Groundskeeper Willie.
Click to expand...

That would be amazing, and as my in-laws are Scottish (no, not from New Kilttown) I would even stand a chance of understanding him!
 
gouki88 said:
Given it was a medical thing, maybe it was Bleeding Gums Murphy
Click to expand...

If I were Jathanas I’d give you a De Niro gif for that. :)
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

jathanas said:
If your graphics card supports it you can run a dual monitor desktop. Very cool. :cool:

The quality of different HDMI/DVI cables can vary (they measure attenuation) and it should be one of the first things we check if the screen starts to flicker.

Loss of color accuracy and brightness is how monitors behave when they start to die.
Click to expand...

nerds-mad.gif
 
A bit of fun on a Friday

Thought that I should amuse a select audience with a story of my first exposure to umpiring.

It was a blustery hot March Sunday morning in 1989 when a cosseted troupe of Under 19 players from Old Xaverians crossed the Yarra for a practice match in Alphington against Parkside. For many, this was their first experience of football outside of APS competition since under 12s. For your scribe, it was to be an opportunity to watch and hope for injuries to teammates to allow for my selection in the team on recovery from a hand injury.

In what turned out to be clever move, no umpires showed up to officiate, nor did any more than a dozen players from Parkside. In an effort to salvage something from the day it was decided that a few of us would play for them and I was co-opted into being the sole field umpire.

The home team was over-matched. About six quick goals were scored by the Good Guys amid much consternation from the Parkside contingent and much complaining about the standard of umpiring. Even some of my teammates, representing Parkside, were telling me how sh-t I was at umpiring.

As a brash 17 year old only a few months out of school, let's just say the impression of my umpiring wasn't assisted by a few retorts to players complaining about my decisions.

One of the early cries was from a, well, let's call him a fat bogan. He felt he should have received a holding the man free, "I didn't have it" he cried. I responded with something along the lines of, "Because you can't get near it". This was a bad decision on my part.

As is the way of these things, bad decisions are often compounded by worse decisions. Now my tubby friend was not happy with me and as the first quarter was nearing its end, he voiced his disapproval at another of my decisions. My response was to tell him something very imaginative along the lines of "Get f-ed you fat tnuc". It was then that things deteriorated.

Mr Fatty roared in anger and tore off his jumper. When I write "tore" I really mean wriggled and squirmed out of it. In hindsight, it was agreed that this was some sort of symbolic gesture to indicate he was no longer governed by the rules of football, but rather The Rules Of The Street.

This was an alarming development for the field umpire who made some sort of attempt to send him off which may have been closer to "Leave me alone. Please". Fatty was pushing his head against mine, trying to deliver a headbutt of some type (note, very hard to head butt someone who is walking/running backwards. Fast). At the same time this was happening, scuffles were breaking out between players. There was (sometime later) much mirth when a number of skirmishes involved red on red (Parkside's jumper) as the co-opted Parkside players reverted to their club of origin. I think what only saved us collectively was the arithmetic instincts of the Parkside players who knew 12 versus 24 was bad. They were outnumbered, but if they really thought about it, they probably could have taken out 2 each.

Even so, things were deteriorating. Fast.

Luckily for me, there were two angels watching over me that day. The first was a well-known long-time Parkside legend. A tattooed (keep in mind '89. Tattoos were scary - especially bad ones) former boxer by the name of Jackie King who had scared many a lily-white amateur footballer. Jackie, somewhere between 30 and 60 years of age at the time, God love him, ran onto the ground, stood next to me and said, "Righto. I am umpiring. Anyone who wants to fight an umpire can now fight me." This truly saved my bacon.

Next angel was John Dillon, former VAFA president whose son was playing that day. He quickly took control of matters announced that the game was called off and ordered all Old Xavs players to go straight to their cars and leave. No one had to be told twice. We grabbed our gear and piled into cars. Turns out one of the benefits of a top-flight education was knowing when it was time to get the fk out of a bad situation. No car stopped until we got over the Chandler Highway Bridge.

I was in the back of one of the fleeing cars and noticed my large friend marching around the car park, still with no top on, making a big show of looking for me. I saw my opportunity. And took it.

"Hey mate, next time you wear footy shorts it'll be on the beach you fat bogan c-t".

I was pretty proud of the quality of that line. It was and still is appreciated as a fine witticism from those occupants of the car. It's impact on its intended target may not have been as great as the car was probably doing 30 by the time the sentence was finished.

A great day was had by all afterwards on beers at the Skinny Dog. Fear makes you thirsty. Relief even thirstier.

Sadly, that was not the end of the affair. Because I was not an official umpire, there could be no official reports laid. However, Jack Dillon was not going to forget about this. He called for a Special Investigation by the VAFA. I was asked to submit a written record of events and I had to attend Elsternwick Park on Tuesday night to give evidence. I was accompanied by my 22yo coach, Andrew "Thirsty" Rogers (whose wife apologised to the umps this week - I like to think me as well). Fatso was accompanied by what we guessed was his equally fat dad. The VAFA didn't really think it was necessary to hold the parties separately. This led to a very uncomfortable 30 minutes or so of the four of us sharing a changeroom with Fat Dad constantly glaring at me whilst idly tossing a Stanley knife. The hearing concluded, the officials were smart enough to hold me and Thirsty back until Fatso Sr and Jr had left the area.

The result? Fatso could not be suspended under VAFA tribunal rules, so other powers were used to "De-register" the player for 6 weeks (a little light on I thought - think provocation might have been a mitigant). So the story goes, Parkside received the message that it would be better if Fatso left the VAFA, so the club decided to expel him.

In hindsight, this was about as good as it would get for Parkside in the VAFA. They had only just made it to A Grade for the first time the season before. Not long after, they started an inexorable slide down the grades and eventually exited the comp. They have since returned a mere shadow of their former selves.

The moral of the story: I'm not sure there is one. Maybe 'Umpires shouldn't answer back". But the story still gets a run pretty regularly even today.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.

Remove this Banner Ad

Similar threads

JuniorB
Certified Legendary Thread Covid, Life, UFOs, Food, & Wordle :( Part 2
60 61 62 63 64
Replies
2K
Views
56K
NMBB
NMBB
Daicos Torpedo
The food i cooked omg...
Replies
3
Views
1K
Black_White
Black_White

Remove this Banner Ad

Back
Top