- Jun 7, 2015
- 1,289
- 4,903
- AFL Club
- West Coast
West Coast Eagles vs Carlton Blues
Optus Stadium. Saturday April 29th, 2023.
Teams
Ins- Xavier O'Neill, Shannon Hurn
Outs- Luke Shuey, Rhett Bazzo, Zane Trew
Next week’s ins- Will Schofield… Uh, maybe some of those Cambodian orphans we built houses for a few pre-seasons ago? What, they didn’t think those were free, did they?
Last time we met: Rd 17 2022. Carlton 17.14 def West Coast 8.5
In a game where we somehow managed to go scoreless in both the first and last quarters, Carlton pantsed us by 63 points to improve their record to 11-5 and set themselves up for a run deep into September. Sucked in, you bullying bastards!
Know Your Enemy
Apparently the Carlton Football Club has a proud history in some suburban Victorian league, but they’ve been sadly unable to rise to the standards of a national competition. The AFL equivalent of sundried tomatoes, they're inextricably linked with Italian cuisine and were quite popular in the 1990s. Since then, their most notable achievement has been kidnapping Josh Kennedy for a few years until we tricked them into exchanging him for some banged-up veteran.
Are the Blues finally ready to become a powerhouse of the competition, or are they just coming prematurely again?
Read on to find out! (Disclaimer: You’ll find out nothing and might even end up slightly dumber.)
Carlton forwards vs Eagles defenders
With Curnow and McKay clunking marks, Silvagni a competent third tall, and Jack Martin doing whatever the hell it is he does exactly, Carlton’s forward line should be formidable. But despite boasting the last two Coleman medallists, they’ve found it hilariously difficult to kick winning scores in 2023. They’re also missing feared enforcer Jesse Motlop (180cm, 81kg), who was suspended for dumping Dougal Howard (199cm, 95kg) in a dangerous tackle.
“Oh shit. Everyone saw that, didn’t they?” - Dougal Howard
Thanks to the injury curse, West Coast have been forced to experiment with new defensive strategies besides McGovern and Barrass colliding with each other as they fly for the same mark. Results have been mixed, with periods of stoic resolve interspersed with quarters where everyone stands around pointing at each other as their opponents practice ball movement drills. At least Barrass seems to be enjoying his promotion to backline big dog. He's playing like it's 2022 again, and fortunately is the only guy in the team where that’s actually a good thing.
The Midfields
Carlton's midfield is led by a Brownlow medallist and crude prototype of Reuben Ginbey named Patrick Cripps. Backing him up is the rarest kind of footballer in Sam Walsh — a Carlton number-one pick who is actually very good — and Dockers refugee Adam Cerra. It’s not a bad lineup on paper, but constipated ball movement and a lack of foot speed have been a problem for the Blues all year.
A full-strength midfield might be able to expose them. Unfortunately, with an injury list including Shuey (ankle/hamstring), Yeo (groin), and Sheed (larynx? Oh FFS, really?), ours is anything but. On a brighter note, Tim Kelly seems to have realised the cavalry isn’t coming, possibly because all their horses have hamstring awareness, and he’ll have to lead the charge himself. It’s starting to look like trading those draft picks wasn’t such a bad idea after all. And while Andrew Gaff mightn’t be the player he was, it's great to see him discover the happy medium between a corral and a left hook called tackling. With the added speed of Jamaine Jones and Jayden Hunt and continued improvement from our kids, we might just have a handy midfield outfit in a few years time.
Don't worry, Harley. We'll save you a spot at half-forward!
Eagles forwards vs Carlton defenders
To hell with old mate Charles. The only coronation that matters this year is King Oscar Allen seizing the crown. Clunking marks and bombing goals from everywhere, our man looks ready to fulfil his destiny of being the next Nick Riewoldt, only with premierships and charisma. Sadly, his hardworking 2IC Jack Darling seems to be playing under duress, but still distracts a good defender every week.
A bigger issue is our small forwards after the untimely deaths of Liam Ryan and Jamie Cripps. It looks like this is the year we find out if Petch is actually any good or just a guy who runs very fast. Hopefully he settles the debate as conclusively as once-maligned Jake Waterman, who’s shown you don’t need to be a 200cm ogre to kick goals if you know how to lead, hold a mark, and kick a straight drop punt.
Look, I’ll admit I don’t know much about Carlton’s backline. Jacob Weitering is a decent fullback, if that’s the sort of thing you want from a number-one pick, and I think they’ve still got the crap McGovern? Good luck with that, I guess.
The Coaches
Sackings: Michael Voss- 1. Simmo- 0.
Know Thyself
So here we are again in the bright lights of prime time, a rare event this year after we spent 2022 ruining more Friday and Saturday nights than herpes flares.
We all know what’s happened. Hampered by a disastrous injury list and the Bolshevik tyranny of the AFL’s equalisation policies, we’ve been brought back to the pack, then trampled by the pack, and now the pack are standing around pointing and laughing at us as we try to stand up and strain both hamstrings at once.
But 2023 feels different. Finally, some young guys with genuine class have arrived to bolster last year's ragtag band of half-crippled veterans, mature-age recruits, and late-draft crapshoots. Between the mighty Jai Culley, explosive Elijah Hewett, and future God Emperor of the AFL, Reuben Ginbey, we’re quietly building the core of a legitimate contender. Even Bailey Williams has gone from strength to strength after a tough start to the year. He looks set to seize the mantle of number-one ruck, and maybe even best Bailey Williams in the AFL one day.
Call me a masochist, but I reckon it’s a fun time to watch. A year to just relax, expect the worst, and hope for the best. Nothing can hurt us anymore. Let’s celebrate the battered corpses of legends like Shuey and Hurn as they drag themselves out for one last year to take some heat off the kids. Let’s fantasise about those 18-year-old kids to an extent that’s slightly unwholesome. Let’s boo like there’s no one watching, and celebrate the occasional win like it's a goddamn flag as we wait for the next great Eagles team to restore the rightful order of the universe.
And you know what? Carlton are just the kind of mid-table flakes that sides like us can roll on a good day. Could the renaissance start this weekend?
Like half the squad, TBC.
Optus Stadium. Saturday April 29th, 2023.
Teams
Ins- Xavier O'Neill, Shannon Hurn
Outs- Luke Shuey, Rhett Bazzo, Zane Trew
Next week’s ins- Will Schofield… Uh, maybe some of those Cambodian orphans we built houses for a few pre-seasons ago? What, they didn’t think those were free, did they?
Last time we met: Rd 17 2022. Carlton 17.14 def West Coast 8.5
In a game where we somehow managed to go scoreless in both the first and last quarters, Carlton pantsed us by 63 points to improve their record to 11-5 and set themselves up for a run deep into September. Sucked in, you bullying bastards!
Know Your Enemy
Apparently the Carlton Football Club has a proud history in some suburban Victorian league, but they’ve been sadly unable to rise to the standards of a national competition. The AFL equivalent of sundried tomatoes, they're inextricably linked with Italian cuisine and were quite popular in the 1990s. Since then, their most notable achievement has been kidnapping Josh Kennedy for a few years until we tricked them into exchanging him for some banged-up veteran.
Are the Blues finally ready to become a powerhouse of the competition, or are they just coming prematurely again?
Read on to find out! (Disclaimer: You’ll find out nothing and might even end up slightly dumber.)
Carlton forwards vs Eagles defenders
With Curnow and McKay clunking marks, Silvagni a competent third tall, and Jack Martin doing whatever the hell it is he does exactly, Carlton’s forward line should be formidable. But despite boasting the last two Coleman medallists, they’ve found it hilariously difficult to kick winning scores in 2023. They’re also missing feared enforcer Jesse Motlop (180cm, 81kg), who was suspended for dumping Dougal Howard (199cm, 95kg) in a dangerous tackle.
“Oh shit. Everyone saw that, didn’t they?” - Dougal Howard
Thanks to the injury curse, West Coast have been forced to experiment with new defensive strategies besides McGovern and Barrass colliding with each other as they fly for the same mark. Results have been mixed, with periods of stoic resolve interspersed with quarters where everyone stands around pointing at each other as their opponents practice ball movement drills. At least Barrass seems to be enjoying his promotion to backline big dog. He's playing like it's 2022 again, and fortunately is the only guy in the team where that’s actually a good thing.
The Midfields
Carlton's midfield is led by a Brownlow medallist and crude prototype of Reuben Ginbey named Patrick Cripps. Backing him up is the rarest kind of footballer in Sam Walsh — a Carlton number-one pick who is actually very good — and Dockers refugee Adam Cerra. It’s not a bad lineup on paper, but constipated ball movement and a lack of foot speed have been a problem for the Blues all year.
A full-strength midfield might be able to expose them. Unfortunately, with an injury list including Shuey (ankle/hamstring), Yeo (groin), and Sheed (larynx? Oh FFS, really?), ours is anything but. On a brighter note, Tim Kelly seems to have realised the cavalry isn’t coming, possibly because all their horses have hamstring awareness, and he’ll have to lead the charge himself. It’s starting to look like trading those draft picks wasn’t such a bad idea after all. And while Andrew Gaff mightn’t be the player he was, it's great to see him discover the happy medium between a corral and a left hook called tackling. With the added speed of Jamaine Jones and Jayden Hunt and continued improvement from our kids, we might just have a handy midfield outfit in a few years time.
Don't worry, Harley. We'll save you a spot at half-forward!
Eagles forwards vs Carlton defenders
To hell with old mate Charles. The only coronation that matters this year is King Oscar Allen seizing the crown. Clunking marks and bombing goals from everywhere, our man looks ready to fulfil his destiny of being the next Nick Riewoldt, only with premierships and charisma. Sadly, his hardworking 2IC Jack Darling seems to be playing under duress, but still distracts a good defender every week.
A bigger issue is our small forwards after the untimely deaths of Liam Ryan and Jamie Cripps. It looks like this is the year we find out if Petch is actually any good or just a guy who runs very fast. Hopefully he settles the debate as conclusively as once-maligned Jake Waterman, who’s shown you don’t need to be a 200cm ogre to kick goals if you know how to lead, hold a mark, and kick a straight drop punt.
Look, I’ll admit I don’t know much about Carlton’s backline. Jacob Weitering is a decent fullback, if that’s the sort of thing you want from a number-one pick, and I think they’ve still got the crap McGovern? Good luck with that, I guess.
The Coaches
Sackings: Michael Voss- 1. Simmo- 0.
Know Thyself
So here we are again in the bright lights of prime time, a rare event this year after we spent 2022 ruining more Friday and Saturday nights than herpes flares.
We all know what’s happened. Hampered by a disastrous injury list and the Bolshevik tyranny of the AFL’s equalisation policies, we’ve been brought back to the pack, then trampled by the pack, and now the pack are standing around pointing and laughing at us as we try to stand up and strain both hamstrings at once.
But 2023 feels different. Finally, some young guys with genuine class have arrived to bolster last year's ragtag band of half-crippled veterans, mature-age recruits, and late-draft crapshoots. Between the mighty Jai Culley, explosive Elijah Hewett, and future God Emperor of the AFL, Reuben Ginbey, we’re quietly building the core of a legitimate contender. Even Bailey Williams has gone from strength to strength after a tough start to the year. He looks set to seize the mantle of number-one ruck, and maybe even best Bailey Williams in the AFL one day.
Call me a masochist, but I reckon it’s a fun time to watch. A year to just relax, expect the worst, and hope for the best. Nothing can hurt us anymore. Let’s celebrate the battered corpses of legends like Shuey and Hurn as they drag themselves out for one last year to take some heat off the kids. Let’s fantasise about those 18-year-old kids to an extent that’s slightly unwholesome. Let’s boo like there’s no one watching, and celebrate the occasional win like it's a goddamn flag as we wait for the next great Eagles team to restore the rightful order of the universe.
And you know what? Carlton are just the kind of mid-table flakes that sides like us can roll on a good day. Could the renaissance start this weekend?
Like half the squad, TBC.
