Certified Legendary Thread Awkward Flirting Stories

[Hap Hapablap]

i have this one that i havent told many in my lifetime due to the shame. its a short one but ill get onto it

so one wednesday night im at the leedy during uni break (wednesdays back then was the place to be for leedy we're talking a good eight years ago dont know if its the same) anyway on the floor dancing with a few mates and this english lady who was probably in her mid 30's came up to me and just started dancing and dirty grinding to good ol rnb with her mates cheering her on in the background (for her age id give her a 7 she was quite slim and had a fantastic rack, blonde too which back then was something i was always keen for, could say she may have been a page 3 girl back in her day).

at the time at the ripe age of 18 i was basically on the look out for someone my age the idea of being with a lady nearly twice my age at the time put me off (****en idiot i know). anyway as she continued to grind on me i looked at my mate all puzzled he laughed and egged me on telling me "any hole from the opposite gender counts!"

as i reluctantly tried to move away, she became more persistant and kept going at it. when she realised i wasnt getting into it she literally pulled me down licked and sucked my right ear (at that point i knew she was at least tipsy) and she went " want to join me and my gals back at the hotel for some fun"

to this i replied as the young dumb boy due to frustration i was "i dont go near older women, i find them too mothering, im here to have fun with mates"

she gave me the death stare and walked off, as she walked away one of the friends shouted "you wont be going home with anyone tonight you utterly rude prick"

she was right. mate picked up a girl and headed home with her while i took a taxi home. alone. i sat on my bed that night thinking what went through and i remember just shouting "****!" in a moment of rage

looking back def one I wouldve loved to have hooked up with especially a cougar, i have no idea what was on her mind. maybe it was the drinks, drugs, atmosphere, lack of the d god knows but boy she wanted me bad and its one of the rarest moments of my life where i was blatantly wanted by someone.

note to oneself after that day. Never put bros before hoes at a club.

 

[Doss]

I don't think you missed an opening purely with the scenario you described, but you could have definitely initiated further contact after the original conversation & photographer role. She would have listened if you tried to talk to her due to the prior interaction. You were off GO, but probably didn't get far past the shithouse light blue properties after that.

Nah, he was still stuck on Old Kent and Whitechapel- the burgundy pieces of trash that no one wants.

Light blue would have been the follow up conversation that BACCS didn't do.

Actually, there's an idea....should devise a 'Monopoly scale' of flirting. If burgundy is the girl getting the guy to take a photo, Mayfair is a full home run. No idea what to do with the utilities and train stations, though!

 

[BACCS]

Nope.

Beauty, that's it from me then...

 

[BACCS]

I don't think you missed an opening purely with the scenario you described, but you could have definitely initiated further contact after the original conversation & photographer role. She would have listened if you tried to talk to her due to the prior interaction. You were off GO, but probably didn't get far past the shithouse light blue properties after that.

Cheers mate, good to know for future reference. Hot sister of an AFL player, it was probably too good to be true.

 

[Colin D'Cops]

Light blue would have been the follow up conversation that BACCS didn't do.

Become a Spec Mod and this part is suddenly made easy BACCS. Girls love it

 

[Doss]

Become a Spec Mod and this part is suddenly made easy BACCS. Girls love it

If my BigFooty mod colours equate to the 'Monopoly scale', I cannot wait for the day I get upgraded to full mod- the domain of the dark blue. You'd be a fully fledged pro. I mean, Mayfair is a full home run.

 

[A Swallow]

Nah, he was still stuck on Old Kent and Whitechapel- the burgundy pieces of trash that no one wants.

Light blue would have been the follow up conversation that BACCS didn't do.

Actually, there's an idea....should devise a 'Monopoly scale' of flirting. If burgundy is the girl getting the guy to take a photo, Mayfair is a full home run. No idea what to do with the utilities and train stations, though!

I like it.

"How'd you go last night mate?"
"Yeah good mate, full blown Mayfair"
"F*ck yeah! Mayfaired her!"
*chest bump*

 

[Igloo]

If my BigFooty mod colours equate to the 'Monopoly scale', I cannot wait for the day I get upgraded to full mod- the domain of the dark blue. You'd be a fully fledged pro. I mean, Mayfair is a full home run.

Don't expect miracles

In saying that, i've never used the "i'm a mod on Bigfooty" line. Guaranteed to work, one would think.

 

[Doss]

I like it.

"How'd you go last night mate?"
"Yeah good mate, full blown Mayfair"
"F*ck yeah! Mayfaired her!"
*chest bump*

*fishes out Monopoly board, blows off the cobwebs*

-Super tax between Park Lane and Mayfair- got all the way but the sex was terrible.

-Income tax after Whitechapel- decided she wasn't worth pursuing.

-Free parking- toilet stop after a good pash; reassesses options and plans ahead.

-Go to jail- you discover she's actually a ladyboy, as things are about to enter the home straight.

-Railway stations- all adjacent stages of the game are occuring on a train- quite interesting if
you're between green and dark blue, for example.

-Electricity- you realise on the D floor that she has massive and deceptive 'chicken fillets'. And that her face is more make up than skin.

-Water Works- you make her cry because you're a clumsy flog who just pushed adjacent 'yellow' stage too far

-Community Chest- your best mate cockblocks you, regardless of the adjacent stage. Extremely disturbing if adjacent to green.

-Chance- another crush/regular hook up calls and you answer- excessively awkward if adjacent to Park Lane.

-Just visiting jail- you decide to go all out for this particular girl

-In jail- You want to go for it but her boyfriend is right there. Dang.


Now, as for the colours:


-Burgundy: The first timid moves. Nervous conversation, maybe a photo or two.

-Light blue: Secondary conversation. Should involve a few vaguely suggestive looks, gestures and a few 'buttering up' style compliments

-Pink: You hit the dance floor. But still unclear what she wants. You notice more overt suggestive poses and a look of lust creeping into things.

-Orange: Dance floor pash. As you move through the orange, grinding also becomes apparent. Also dance floor wood is unashamedly out there.

-Red: The pashing winds up, you detach from proceedings. Middle red is all about working out whose place you go back to- who has the power here. Often occurs in the back of a taxi. Trafalgar Square announces the arrival at the sex pad- the countdown has begun.

-Yellow: You move through the second base territory and start flirting with third. The guy starts to think "shit, where's that jacket". Piccadily signifies the finding of said jacket, and the final stages of clothes flying off. The point of no return is here.

-Green: Clothes are off! This is just all about the final foreplay, there's no rush. Bond Street signifies the point when neither party can wait any longer.

-Dark blue: Home runs aplenty. A 'park lane' means a reasonable experience, 'Mayfair' amazing, chest bump worthy experiences. Yes, plural. Experiences. This girl has more stamina than Black Caviar.

...and GO is when you wake up the next day and realise you don't remember the girl's (or ladyboy's) name.

 

[Zach Package]

-Go to jail- you discover she's actually 15

-Get out of jail free card- her fake ID said she was 22, so you have plausible deniability.

 

[Doss]

-Get out of jail free card- her fake ID said she was 22, so you have plausible deniability.

The get out of jail free card- how could I forget that.

I like your suggestion more, too. Ladyboys suck, this ain't Thailand.

 

[Schulzenfest]

Cheers mate, good to know for future reference. Hot sister of an AFL player, it was probably too good to be true.

Could've been an absolutely epic awkward flirting story if you'd gone a bit further and then screwed up though.

Bryce Gibbs' sister, worried out of it by BACCS ...

 

[LouisCK]

I do that ^^^^

 

[Messenger]

I cannot play monopoly with my kids now.

Doss FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU!

 

[The Passenger]

He's the kind of guy who uses linux.

You say that like it's a bad thing! don't think i could go back to windows.

 

[Smoooothy]

wait was someone ripping on linux??

 

[The Passenger]

wait was someone ripping on linux??

 

[Silent Alarm]

she was right. mate picked up a girl and headed home with her while i took a taxi home. alone. i sat on my bed that night thinking what went through and i remember just shouting "****!" in a moment of rage

but boy she wanted me bad and its one of the rarest moments of my life where i was blatantly wanted by someone.

This is the loneliest story ever.

I love it.

 

[Smoooothy]

no wonder these guys are having trouble picking up! if they understood linux better, i guarantee the womenz would be lining up - in an orderly queue

 

[The_Answer3]

I say "Nahh, we're not F***** in the toilets. We'll get it done another time."

 

[The_Answer3]

Jimmy, the only mistakes I saw in your situation were:

1. Shitty mates (except for W, who sounds like a right legend) when they didn't throw themselves on the "grenade" in hook up #2 and ignored her. Seriously, poor effort.

2. The "straight talking, lay it on the line" text. I've done this one too many times to count, it never ends well. Chicks don't like facts or clear statements. It's frustrating but that's just how they are. If you'd flat out ignored her after two/three "dates" instead of sending the text, she'd be sucking your wang right now.

Deakin O-Week is good though.

Summed up very well.

Until you have scaled the fish, cooked it, and eaten the mother ****er, keep it guessing.

As much as women say they hate players, they all love thinking they're obtaining what is hard to get. Once it's theirs it loses the effect. Guys do it a bit too so no mad hate, women just don't acknowledge they do it like guys do.

 

[DrVanNostrand]

I had my first cougar encounter a few weeks ago actually. Although my brother insists they are everywhere at our local RSL on a Friday night, I've never given it much thought. This might have to change.

Not much of a story, but in short, I was in a HJ's in Wellington at 2am on a Saturday morning, pretty drunk from something like 5-6hrs at a pool hall. Me and a mate (Ralph) line up to get food, I produce a NZ $20 and decide I have to know what the bird on the reverse side is called. I asked the very tidy 40yo behind us in line, to which she replies "come back to mine if you want to find out." She motions over to where her friend is sitting and invites my mate along as well. Ralph is a wowzer in a LTR, wants none of it and drags me to the other side of HJ's as soon as we get our food. While we're eating, I steal a few glances at said cougar and she's still got her eyes fixed on me. We finish eating and I make a break for the other side of the room, but our ride shows up right at this instant and I'm left with no choice but to call it a night.

(9 days later)

Somehow Cameron (other travel mate) has attracted the attention of two fine local uni students on a Monday night in a quiet pub on the main street of Auckland. I've written myself already, talking cricket with a travelling Pom on the other side of the room. Ralph runs over to me and tells me to hightail it over to the other side of the room to give Cameron a hand. From a distance, it appears Cameron is doing fine - one is rubbing the inside of his leg and he's making out with the other. Totally out of character for Cameron, but Ralph insists I go over there (although didn't give me any instructions - was too drunk to totally comprehend the situation).

I go over and say to Cameron "need my help here?" to which he replies "yeah, this is xxxx". Forget his second choice's name. Photos have surfaced of around this stage (NFI who took the photo, don't even remember it being taken) and the second choice is by far the more attractive. My face is blurred by the large stein glass I won from a raffle earlier in the night of which I was getting free refills So my interest is clearly more with drinking as much free beer as I can and talking cricket with whoever will listen. My two mates and I were only staying a 5-min walk from this pub so I decide to see what I can do to get Cameron back there with his first choice (I had already used the room for such shenanigans earlier in the week - more on that in my awkward flirting thesis - so I decide it's his turn).

After only a few minutes of talking to the more attractive girl he rejected, I get bored and decide she's a bitch. She tells me whatever she's studying and I actually laugh and tell her that's a horrible degree. It quickly goes south from here and this friend encourages her other friend to leave. Turns out the one I'm talking to is the driver. She snatches her friend out of Cameron's arms and they leave. Cameron, not visibly upset, decides we should call it a night as well. That is, until we get out on the street. It's important to note here that Cameron and I have been best mates since grade 9 and neither of us would bear a grude or even the slightest resentment over what has just unfolded. Ralph isn't so sure. I still place the blame squarely on Ralph for telling me to go over there in my drunken state in the first place.

So all the way back to the hostel, we (loudly) discus what just happened and how it could have been avoided. I notice Ralph actually trying to interject in the 'argument' telling us both to calm down. We get back and I hatch a scheme with Cameron to go to the internet cafe at reception and send an email to a girl who left the hostel the previous day and try to arrange a date for the following night (I wouldn't have done this sober - and more on this girl in the thesis). We step off the elevator a floor below where we are staying, and Ralph thinks we're getting off the elevator early to have a blue as we're still having a fairly animated discussion. Cameron and I go to step off the elevator, and Ralph yells "NO!" and pushes himself between us and does his best to physically separate us. A security guard at the reception desk sees this al unfold, notices Ralph is drunk, grabs him by the arm, and escorts him directly to the staircase that leads back down to the lobby.

Cameron and I decide this is hilarious, and wait until we've sent the 2am drunken email to this girl (which took about an hour of dictating, refining and removing all the drunken spelling mistakes) before we decide to go back to reception and tell them Ralph wasn't starting a fight and that what he's been saying to the security guard is indeed true. So Ralph spent the next hour outside in the cold explaining his story to the security guard who is having none of it.

And that, Ralph, is why you shouldn't have dragged me away from the cougar in HJ's

 

[The_Answer3]

I have a mate that thinks 'wingmanning' = walking over to where I'm having a conversation with a girl and saying 'hey sweetie, GTF is the best bloke! Sooo good at footy. You should see how many goals he kicked today!. Anyway I'm off. Have fun! .

Seriously shut the **** up. No matter how many times I explain that him saying this shit actually hinders my chances with a girl when he gets sloshed he does it every time.

I got this from an aquaintance... Met him that night, friend of a guy I went to high school with....who I hadn't seen for a while but was at this club. Anyway it turns out we go to the same gym and he's seen me box and was suitably impressed.

Anyway, talking to this lass, couple of sneeky kisses, but keeping it PG while we're still in convo mode, and he interrupts, and proceeds to tell her how good a boxer I am and how I've knocked him out....(lolwot, I haven't fought you) and goes on despite the constant fob offs and convo ending statements from myself until it's getting to the point the lady involved is upset the convo has moved away from her (which is what the girls what guys amirite) and I had to pretty rudely wind him up.

2 minutes later he's back......very close to making his earlier statement a reality.

 

[The Passenger]

DrVanNostrand - taking 8 year olds out on the town is a recipe for disaster

 

[The_Answer3]

I had my first cougar encounter a few weeks ago actually. Although my brother insists they are everywhere at our local RSL on a Friday night, I've never given it much thought. This might have to change.

Not much of a story, but in short, I was in a HJ's in Wellington at 2am on a Saturday morning, pretty drunk from something like 5-6hrs at a pool hall. Me and a mate (Ralph) line up to get food, I produce a NZ $20 and decide I have to know what the bird on the reverse side is called. I asked the very tidy 40yo behind us in line, to which she replies "come back to mine if you want to find out." She motions over to where her friend is sitting and invites my mate along as well. Ralph is a wowzer in a LTR, wants none of it and drags me to the other side of HJ's as soon as we get our food. While we're eating, I steal a few glances at said cougar and she's still got her eyes fixed on me. We finish eating and I make a break for the other side of the room, but our ride shows up right at this instant and I'm left with no choice it to call it a night.

(9 days later)

Somehow Cameron (other travel mate) has attracted the attention of two fine local uni students on a Monday night in a quiet pub on the main street of Auckland. I've written myself already, talking cricket with a travelling Pom on the other side of the room. Ralph runs over to me and tells me to hightail it over to the other side of the room to give Cameron a hand. From a distance, it appears Cameron is doing fine - one is rubbing the inside of his leg and he's making out with the other. Totally out of character for Cameron, but Ralph insists I go over there (although didn't give me any instructions - was too drunk to totally comprehend the situation).

I go over and say to Cameron "need my help here?" to which he replies "yeah, this is xxxx". Forget his second choice's name. Photos have surfaced of around this stage (NFI who took the photo, don't even remember it being taken) and the second choice is by far the more attractive. My face is blurred by the large stein glass I won from a raffle earlier in the night of which I was getting free refills So my interest is clearly more with drinking as much free beer as I can and talking cricket with whoever will listen. My two mates and I were only staying a 5-min walk from this pub so I decide to see what I can do to get Cameron back there with his first choice (I had already used the room for such shenanigans earlier in the week - more on that in my awkward flirting thesis - so I decide it's his turn).

After only a few minutes of talking to the more attractive girl he rejected, I get bored and decide she's a bitch. She tells me whatever she's studying and I actually laugh and tell her that's a horrible degree. It quickly goes south from here and this friend encourages her other friend to leave. Turns out the one I'm talking to is the driver. She snatches her friend out of Cameron's arms and they leave. Cameron, not visibly upset, decides we should call it a night as well. That is, until we get out on the street. It's important to note here that Cameron and I have been best mates since grade 9 and neither of us would bear a grude or even the slightest resentment over what has just unfolded. Ralph isn't so sure. I still place the blame squarely on Ralph for telling me to go over there in my drunken state in the first place.

So all the way back to the hostel, we (loudly) discus what just happened and how it could have been avoided. I notice Ralph actually trying to interject in the 'argument' telling us both to calm down. We get back and I hatch a scheme with Cameron to go to the internet cafe at reception and send an email to a girl who left the hostel the previous day and try to arrange a date for the following night (I wouldn't have done this sober - and more on this girl in the thesis). We step off the elevator a floor below where we are staying, and Ralph thinks we're getting off the elevator early to have a blue as we're still having a fairly animated discussion. Cameron and I go to step off the elevator, and Ralph yells "NO!" and pushes himself between us and does his best to physically separate us. A security guard at the reception desk sees this al unfold, notices Ralph is drunk, grabs him by the arm, and escorts him directly to the staircase that leads back down to the lobby.

Cameron and I decide this is hilarious, and wait until we've sent the 2am drunken email to this girl (which took about an hour of dictating, refining and removing all the drunken spelling mistakes) before we decide to go back to reception and tell them Ralph wasn't starting a fight and that what he's been saying to the security guard is indeed true. So Ralph spend the next hour outside in the cold explaining his story to the security guard who is having none of it.

And that, Ralph, is why you shouldn't have dragged me away form the cougar in HJ's

Brah, you bailed on free cougar sechs, **** bloced your mate, got him to do bad drunk mail and leave old mate in cold.

The bro Gods are not pleased.