JHF1870’s Unfiltered 2024 Team Reviews: Where Honesty Meets Hilarity
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JoseMourinho
Not A Manager
You're a different kind of delusional - you think you're a dynasty and Carlton think they're a team.We won the flag last year. Carltank won the Wizard Cup some time this century
JoseMourinho
Not A Manager
They were all said in jest and as a jokeDelusional you say…
Well we are talking about Failmantle so story checks out
12th Carlton
- Thread starter
- #82
12th Carlton Blues, the team that always lets you down.
D
1. The Great Carlton Mirage: Promises and Pitfalls
“We’re the side that always lets you down.” Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Carlton Blues—a team that could sell sand to a desert and convince the Sahara it’s getting a beachfront property. Every year, they emerge from the off-season cocoon, fluttering their wings like overcaffeinated butterflies, promising premierships and glory. But what do we get? A damp squib. A fizzled-out firecracker. A flatter performance than a pancake on a rainy day.
2. Injury Excuses: The Carlton Alibi Factory
“This year it was injuries, previous years they were part of a highly competitive top 4.” Ah, yes, injuries—the Carlton fan’s equivalent of “the dog ate my homework.” They’ve got more excuses than a politician caught in a scandal. It’s like they’ve hired a team of injury-prone leprechauns to sprinkle bad luck dust all over the place. But hey, at least they’re consistent: consistently disappointing.
3. The Carlton Youth Academy: Where Dreams Go to Hibernate
“Drafted spectacularly, but it never eventuates.” Picture this: the Carlton youth academy—a mystical place where prodigious talents arrive, eyes wide with hope, only to be handed a membership card to the “Underachievement Club.” These kids are like Swiss watches—meticulously crafted, but ultimately just ticking away in mediocrity. And speaking of Switzerland, let’s talk about their training programs.
4. Training at Carlton: Scaling the Zermatt of Mediocrity
“Carlton tried too hard to think outside the box and reinvent tried and proven training strategies.” Ah, yes, the Carlton training regime—the Everest of futility. They’re like mountaineers attempting to conquer the Swiss Alps at Zermatt. They start strong, cramming their backpacks with untested methods, but halfway up, they realize they’re not climbing peaks; they’re just lost in a fog of confusion. And when they finally reach the summit, they discover it’s just a glorified ski resort. Bravo, Blues, bravo.
5. Individual Accolades: Carlton’s Selfie Stick Syndrome
“Carlton perennially love to rack up individual accolades.” Brownlow medals, Coleman medals—the Blues collect them like a magpie with a penchant for shiny things. But here’s the twist: they’re so busy admiring their own reflections in the trophy cabinet that they forget to play as a team. It’s like watching a synchronized swimming routine where everyone’s doing their own freestyle stroke. Spoiler alert: that’s not how you win games.
6. Crazy Vossy’s Coaching Conundrum
“At this point, we’re questioning whether Crazy Vossy can actually coach.” Ah, David Teague, aka Crazy Vossy—the man who looks perpetually surprised, like he just stumbled into a surprise party where everyone’s disappointed. His coaching style? It’s like he’s playing chess while everyone else is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. Maybe he needs a vision board with the words “teamwork” and “strategy” in neon lights.
7. The Curnow-McKay Dependency: A Forward Line on Life Support
“Over reliance on Curnow and McKay needs to be addressed.” The Carlton forward line—it’s like a two-person relay race where Curnow and McKay are sprinting while the rest of the team is busy knitting scarves. We need more dynamism, more unpredictability. Imagine if they recruited a Lion—Strong and courageous, and great at high marks. Plus, it’d be a hit with the kids during halftime shows.
8. Daniel Gorringe: The Passionate Fan Who Deserves Better
“Talk about Daniel Gorringe, one of the club’s most passionate fans.” Ah, Daniel Gorringe—the guy who bleeds navy blue and white. He’s like a human highlighter, underlining every disappointment with fervor. But Dan, my friend, take a lesson from your beloved team: humility. Don’t sell the produce before it’s ripe. Otherwise, you’ll end up with metaphorical sour grapes, and nobody wants those in their wine.
9. Conclusion: Carlton’s Odyssey to Mediocrity Continues
“A pass for Carlton in 2025 is to make finals irrespective of position and do some damage.” So, Carlton, here’s your mission:
D
1. The Great Carlton Mirage: Promises and Pitfalls
“We’re the side that always lets you down.” Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Carlton Blues—a team that could sell sand to a desert and convince the Sahara it’s getting a beachfront property. Every year, they emerge from the off-season cocoon, fluttering their wings like overcaffeinated butterflies, promising premierships and glory. But what do we get? A damp squib. A fizzled-out firecracker. A flatter performance than a pancake on a rainy day.
2. Injury Excuses: The Carlton Alibi Factory
“This year it was injuries, previous years they were part of a highly competitive top 4.” Ah, yes, injuries—the Carlton fan’s equivalent of “the dog ate my homework.” They’ve got more excuses than a politician caught in a scandal. It’s like they’ve hired a team of injury-prone leprechauns to sprinkle bad luck dust all over the place. But hey, at least they’re consistent: consistently disappointing.
3. The Carlton Youth Academy: Where Dreams Go to Hibernate
“Drafted spectacularly, but it never eventuates.” Picture this: the Carlton youth academy—a mystical place where prodigious talents arrive, eyes wide with hope, only to be handed a membership card to the “Underachievement Club.” These kids are like Swiss watches—meticulously crafted, but ultimately just ticking away in mediocrity. And speaking of Switzerland, let’s talk about their training programs.
4. Training at Carlton: Scaling the Zermatt of Mediocrity
“Carlton tried too hard to think outside the box and reinvent tried and proven training strategies.” Ah, yes, the Carlton training regime—the Everest of futility. They’re like mountaineers attempting to conquer the Swiss Alps at Zermatt. They start strong, cramming their backpacks with untested methods, but halfway up, they realize they’re not climbing peaks; they’re just lost in a fog of confusion. And when they finally reach the summit, they discover it’s just a glorified ski resort. Bravo, Blues, bravo.
5. Individual Accolades: Carlton’s Selfie Stick Syndrome
“Carlton perennially love to rack up individual accolades.” Brownlow medals, Coleman medals—the Blues collect them like a magpie with a penchant for shiny things. But here’s the twist: they’re so busy admiring their own reflections in the trophy cabinet that they forget to play as a team. It’s like watching a synchronized swimming routine where everyone’s doing their own freestyle stroke. Spoiler alert: that’s not how you win games.
6. Crazy Vossy’s Coaching Conundrum
“At this point, we’re questioning whether Crazy Vossy can actually coach.” Ah, David Teague, aka Crazy Vossy—the man who looks perpetually surprised, like he just stumbled into a surprise party where everyone’s disappointed. His coaching style? It’s like he’s playing chess while everyone else is playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. Maybe he needs a vision board with the words “teamwork” and “strategy” in neon lights.
7. The Curnow-McKay Dependency: A Forward Line on Life Support
“Over reliance on Curnow and McKay needs to be addressed.” The Carlton forward line—it’s like a two-person relay race where Curnow and McKay are sprinting while the rest of the team is busy knitting scarves. We need more dynamism, more unpredictability. Imagine if they recruited a Lion—Strong and courageous, and great at high marks. Plus, it’d be a hit with the kids during halftime shows.
8. Daniel Gorringe: The Passionate Fan Who Deserves Better
“Talk about Daniel Gorringe, one of the club’s most passionate fans.” Ah, Daniel Gorringe—the guy who bleeds navy blue and white. He’s like a human highlighter, underlining every disappointment with fervor. But Dan, my friend, take a lesson from your beloved team: humility. Don’t sell the produce before it’s ripe. Otherwise, you’ll end up with metaphorical sour grapes, and nobody wants those in their wine.
9. Conclusion: Carlton’s Odyssey to Mediocrity Continues
“A pass for Carlton in 2025 is to make finals irrespective of position and do some damage.” So, Carlton, here’s your mission:
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jannissary
AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
this's been a great read 
- Aug 18, 2018
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Stronzo
Hall of Famer
Who?
- May 29, 2013
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Did we just go from 13th Gold Coast to CarLOLton 11th ... and 12th was missed?
Or were Gold Coast 12th and 13th was missed?
Or were Gold Coast 12th and 13th was missed?
11th Fremantle Dockers
- Thread starter
- #90
Purple Haze: Fremantle's Flailing Farce of 2024
Rating: D+Unfulfilled Expectations
Fremantle Dockers went into 2024 with low expectations. Critics and fans alike thought they'd end up around 10th to 12th. They landed at 10th, which might seem like a pass. But early on, it became clear they'd been underestimated. The bar was raised, and expectations soared. Unfortunately, the reality did not match the newfound hopes. The Dockers revealed early that they were, in fact, underappreciated by all. This season should have marked a breakthrough, yet it turned into another chapter of missed opportunities and unrealized potential. Their inability to step up when it mattered most left a bitter taste in the mouth of every loyal supporter.Purple Pain
Their inability to seal the deal in tight games was a glaring flaw. Six winnable matches slipped through their fingers due to a lethal mix of poor coaching, shoddy gameplay, bad decisions, lack of fitness, and weak mental fortitude. When the heat was on, they crumbled—like a sandcastle hit by a wave. To put it bluntly, it was a masterclass in how not to handle pressure. Each lost game was a testament to their fragility under fire, exposing glaring weaknesses that should have been addressed far earlier. It was as if they were playing a cruel parody of football, where every pivotal moment turned into a calamity. The games were winnable, the opportunities clear, but the Dockers’ consistency in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory was astonishingly tragic.Stars Without a Script
Boasting a lineup of talent below the Brisbane Lions, the Dockers have one of the best midfields—Young, Serong, Brayshaw—All-Australian defenders, a top-tier ruckman, and a promising forward line with the Million Dollar Man, Luke Jackson. Yet they missed the finals—a bigger mystery than Stonehenge. This cast of superstars failed to deliver a cohesive performance, and the season became a disappointing paradox. The team's potential was obvious to all; their execution, however, was lackluster at best. It’s a script that should have written itself: high-profile players, a strategic plan, and a shot at glory. Instead, it read like a Shakespearean tragedy, filled with missed cues and dramatic falls. The star-studded squad became an ensemble cast in a play of mediocrity.Captain of the Sinking Ship
Justin Longmuir’s coaching prowess is in serious doubt. With this list, even Gary Ayres could make the finals. If Longmuir can't lead a competitive streak in 2025, he should pack his bags and let someone else harness this Lakers-esque talent. His inability to get the best out of a well-rounded team raises significant questions about his strategic acumen and leadership skills. The Dockers need a captain who can navigate rough seas, not one who leads them into the rocks. Longmuir's tenure has been marked by inconsistent performances and unmet expectations. He needs to prove that he can turn this promising squad into a formidable force or **** off. The Dockers are a ship full of potential, but without the right captain, they’re destined to drift aimlessly.Dockers' Future or Fiasco?
Looking ahead, this Dockers side, with a first-round draft pick, should be eyeing the finals in 2025. Failure is not an option. They have the talent to push for a premiership soon, possibly even in 2025. Finals are non-negotiable, and a prelim final should be in sight. The sheer amount of talent in the side should position them nicely for a successful run in the near future. If they falter again, it won't just be disappointing; it will be inexcusable. The stakes are high, and the Dockers must rise to meet them. This is a team that should be competing at the highest levels, not languishing in mediocrity. The next season is a crossroads, and Fremantle must choose the path to glory or face the harsh judgment of their supporters.Purple Haze or Purple Haze?
Dockers fans are left pondering: will 2025 bring the promise of a Woodstock-like celebration or another season lost in a purple haze? The echoes of Hendrix's "Purple Haze" resonate with the Dockers' season—confusion and missed opportunities. The fans deserve a season to remember for the right reasons, not another chapter in a long saga of underachievement. Will 2025 be the year they break free from their self-imposed haze and shine brightly on the AFL stage? The potential is there; now they must prove that they can fulfill it. The Dockers are at a pivotal moment, and the choice is clear: rise to the occasion or remain shrouded in a haze of their own making.Links:
Will 2025 hit the right notes or fizzle out?
10th Collingwood Magpies
- Thread starter
- #91
Black and White Catastrophe: Collingwood's Comatose Campaign of 2024
Rating: D+The Hopeless High-Flyers
Collingwood Magpies strutted into 2024 with lofty expectations. Instead, they nosedived into a pit of mediocrity. Historical greats like Bob Rose and Jock McHale would be rolling in their graves. Finishing 9th? It’s a disgrace for a club with such a storied past. This season was nothing more than a black and white fiasco, an endless loop of hope dashed by incompetence.Premiership Hangover from Hell
You'd think the Magpies had spent the off-season indulging in a Bacchanalian festival, given their lackluster performances. A premiership hangover seems to be their new tradition. They stumbled through the season like a drunken sailor, missing crucial goals and opportunities with the precision of a blindfolded darts player. Talk about letting the side down.McRae's Misguided Merry Men
Craig McRae, the ever-optimistic coach, seemed more suited to a children’s fairy tale than the ruthless world of AFL. His perpetual positivity was as misplaced as a snowman in the Sahara. What the Pies needed was a Napoleon, someone who lost, regrouped, and then triumphed—think Winston Churchill, not Pollyanna. A little more ruthless edge and a lot less sunshine and rainbows might have saved this sinking ship.Howe’s Space Odyssey
Then there’s Jeremy Howe, who seemed to spend more time in orbit than with his teammates. While his high-flying antics provided some amusement, they didn't do much to ground the team’s spiraling season. Howe's aerial exploits may be impressive, but they left the team grounded in mediocrity.The Daicos Dilemma
Nick 'The Goat' Daicos and his brother Josh are the shining stars in a dark, dark galaxy. With such prodigious talent, they should have been gunning for a top 4 spot, not languishing in mid-table purgatory. The Daicos brothers, alongside veterans like Scott Pendlebury and Steele Sidebottom, could have formed an invincible force. Instead, they failed to inspire their team mates. We think Nick Daicos could learn more from the success of Kobe Bryant: 'Stars perform best when their team-mates shine'Tales of Squandered Talent
With a roster full of household names, one would expect the Magpies to soar. Instead, the season read like a tragicomedy. This ensemble of misfits, a mix of seasoned veterans and young talents, performed a farce on the grand stage. The so-called "Black and White Army" looked more like a band of lost soldiers, wandering aimlessly without purpose or direction.Pies in the Sky?
Looking to 2025, Collingwood must regain their fortress-like status. Their history demands it; their fans expect it. This team should be aiming for a premiership, not another season of unfulfilled promise. Finals are a must, and anything short of a top 4 spot is unacceptable. This isn’t just about redemption; it’s about reclaiming their birthright.Blackout in Broad Daylight
Collingwood’s 2024 season was a grim reminder of how far they’ve fallen. Will 2025 bring a resurgence worthy of their legacy, or will it be another blackout in their history? The echoes of their past triumphs call for a reckoning.
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Rabish Binney
Left out overnight
Be interesting to see where the OP places his own club, especially in view of another finals choke.
JoseMourinho
Not A Manager
10th, 9th - either way purple got the draft pick.9th
hawkman
Hall of Famer
They kept Ken so that is an A+ for me
9th St Kilda
New
- Thread starter
- #96
9th Saints in Limbo: St Kilda's Eternal Quest for Mediocrity
Rating: C-Forever the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride
St Kilda, the perennial underachievers, have once again cemented their place in the pantheon of mediocrity. The Saints' history is a testament to near-misses and heartbreaks, epitomized by their drawn Grand Final in 2010. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride—St Kilda's legacy is one of consistent disappointment and underwhelming performances.The Drawn Line of Mediocrity
Their colors—red, white, and black—supposedly symbolize strength and unity. Instead, they’re a bleak reminder of the club’s chronic inability to rise above the mundane. Landing at 12th place, the Saints have found themselves once again mired in the footballing purgatory they seem destined never to escape. Their season was as uninspired as a faded mural, devoid of any vibrant strokes of brilliance.Saintly Stumble
The Saints have turned stumbling into an art form. With a roster featuring talent like Max King and Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera, you'd expect more. Yet, King, lacking mental fortitude, and Wanganeen-Milera, whose name recognition is limited at best, couldn't lift the team. Jack Sinclair, visibly tiring, trudges through another season. Their mediocrity is as consistent as a metronome, each tick marking another wasted opportunity.Ross ‘The Boss’ Lyon’s Woes
The Saints turned heaven and hell to bring Ross 'The Boss' Lyon back, expecting a renaissance. Instead, they've been treated to an indecisive mess—a back-and-forth between an ugly defensive game and an ineffective attack. Lyon's eternal optimism is as out of place as a penguin in the desert. What the Saints needed was a Julius Caesar, leading them to conquest, not a dithering Hamlet questioning every move. Lyon’s tenure has been a masterclass in how not to reinvigorate a team.Ross 'The Evolved'
Yet, there’s a sliver of optimism in the evolution of Ross Lyon. From a hardened, tough, uncompromising coach to one more empathetic and understanding, Lyon’s ability to relate and communicate with his players has grown. This development hints at a future where strategy and human connection could combine to steer the Saints out of this perpetual rut.Saints Marching in Circles
Year after year, St Kilda fans hold on to hope, only to watch it evaporate. The Saints are like a dog chasing its tail—lots of movement, no progress. Their logo, a proud crest, seems more a symbol of their endless struggle than a beacon of pride. Their culture, while passionate, lacks the ruthlessness required to compete at the highest level. They are stuck in a never-ending loop of mediocrity, much like Sisyphus eternally rolling his boulder up the hill, only to watch it roll back down.Purgatory or Redemption?
The future looks bleak unless significant changes are made. St Kilda must channel the spirit of their lone 1966 Premiership and finally live up to their potential. With the talent they have, a top 8 spot should be the aim. Anything less would be another chapter in their long history of "almosts." This isn't just about meeting expectations; it's about shattering them.The Saints are at a crossroads. Continuation of mediocrity seems inevitable, but a complete collapse might just be the wake-up call they need. Falling into the abyss could force a radical reevaluation—a blessing in disguise, pushing them to rebuild stronger and more determined than ever.
Saints or Sinners?
St Kilda’s 2024 season was a stark reminder of their eternal struggle. Will 2025 bring redemption, or will it be another year lost in the wilderness? The Saints’ faithful deserve more—a return to glory, not another season of what-ifs and could-have-beens.
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OP will probably have to revise to text of his own team following their embarrassing capitulation in the Dan Houston trade lol
Still he is a genius and I am looking forward to every entry of this Marvellous thread
- May 29, 2013
- 5,593
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I thought the Filth were in 10th place?
Concrete evidence that Pork supporters struggle with basic Grade 1 Veggie Maths
Lift yer game Jism Horny Fracas ... Team Reviewing 101 ... at least get yer ranking numbers correct
Concrete evidence that Pork supporters struggle with basic Grade 1 Veggie Maths
Lift yer game Jism Horny Fracas ... Team Reviewing 101 ... at least get yer ranking numbers correct
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- Jul 13, 2015
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- Hawthorn
Surely coming up very soon.
