Lame Jokes Part 2

[timtamWB]

What is a pirate's favourite letter?

You might think it would be 'r', but his first love is the 'c'.

 

[worbod]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years' experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit andAss Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[Freofalcon]

Husband - How come you never call out my name when you orgasm ?

Wife- Because you're never there.

 

[Freofalcon]

What nursery rhyme do blondes know off by heart ?

"Hump-me, Dump-me..."

 

[worbod]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. An hour later they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

 

[worbod]

I woke up last night to find somebody had placed a statue of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

 

[pebblestone]

I woke up last night to find somebody had placed a statue of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

That is truly horrible. I love it.

 

[timtamWB]

I woke up last night to find somebody had placed a statue of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

Did you not know how you'd live without her by your side?

Did you think of all the nights where she did you wrong? But then you realised that you grew strong and could carry on?

 

[Double the Fist]

I woke up last night to find somebody had placed a statue of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

I went to the doctors the other day. I said, Doc, I can't stop singing 'green green grass of home'!
Doc looked at me and said, I reckon you have Tom Jones Syndrome.
I said, shit doc, sounds rare?
Doc said ,Its not unusual!

 

[worbod]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. I went to our local pet shop and they were $45! Stuff this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

[Double the Fist]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. I went to our local pet shop and they were $45! Stuff this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

make the bad man stop
\

 

[worbod]

I'm starting a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it would be a good Korea move.

 

[Bomber32]

Why doesn't Elton John like lettuce?

Because he's a rocket man.

 

[Bomber32]

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

To the retail store!

 

[Bomber32]

Why were the Indians here first?

They had some reservations.

 

[Bomber32]

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

 

[Bomber32]

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

 

[Bomber32]

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

 

[Bomber32]

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may be headed for in the future?

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may be headed for in the future?

Terrible. .

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

Don't trust people with balloons.

They're pricks.

 

[worbod]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police told me to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

[Double the Fist]

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?

To the retail store!

What do you do when your foot breaks down?

Call a Toe truck.

 

[brokey]

George 'Dubya' Bush was getting his weekly wrap of the events in the Iraq war from Donald Rumsfeld in the White House...
Rumsfeld filled him as to what had happened, finished and was walking out of the office when he turned around and said "Oh, and Mr President, overnight we lost 3 Brazillion"...

Dubya looked up from his desk and said "That is disappointing".

Rumsfeld was about to walk out the door when Dubya asked, "Just how many is a Brazillion?".

 

[Kramer]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off