Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

Andrewy.

I hope you've saved these for any kids you might have and batter them with these.

Absolutely ..

Got grandkids now who suffer with my poor humor ..

 

[Andrewy]

It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green.

That would’ve been sublime.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

At breakfast this morning my wife said "what starts with F and ends with K"
I said nah love it doesnt.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I signed up for a new dating website for retirees.
Its called Carbon Dating

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

As a romantic gesture I hired an entire flotilla of ships to visit my girlfriend.
When she asked why I did this, I said "love is fleeting"

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

My daughter asked what she should dress up as for Halloween.
I said go as a porcupine.
She bristled at the idea.

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call someone who won’t fart in public?

A private tutor.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

The wife accused me of changing all the pictures in the house, to photos just of me and the dog.
I told her I was being framed.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Read in the paper our local police station had their toilet stolen. The article said the cops had nothing to go on.....

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I considered robbing the local HOUSE store the other day, but then I thought "is that a whisk Im willing to take"?

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Remember; no matter how hard you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.

 

[Andrewy]

I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems.

So I bought 2.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I was unsure why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation until I saw a f**king dragon and shit myself!

On SM-S911B using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Ceaser Salad.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

At my last party I got 99 people up to sing Africa by Toto.
Cause its nothin' that a hundred men or more could ever do....

 

[Andrewy]

Am I the only man my wife has ever dated?

Unfortunately, yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!

 

[GreyCrow]

Am I the only man my wife has ever dated?

Unfortunately, yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!

She has you pegged

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Arnies invite to this years Halloween party said it was a famous composers theme.
He said "Ill be Bach"

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Went to use my printer and a pop up on the screen said to replace the Cyan cartridge.
That was completely out of the blue.......

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Had the inlaws over for dinner and told them I was cooking Alligator for dinner.
My mother in law was shocked and she asked what was I gonna cook it in?
I said its ok I have a croc pot

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Received a work email saying its "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow.
Im dreading it.....

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor I pulled the midwife aside and sheepishly asked so how soon do you think we can have sex?

She smirked at me and said I get off in 10 minutes......

 

[Andrewy]

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All his feathers are combed over to one side.

 

[Andrewy]

Received a work email saying its "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow.
Im dreading it.....

Talking about work....

My dream job would be too clean mirrors.

I could really see myself doing that.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I run a business where I make the inside of shoes.

I'm the sole trader.