Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

There was a fight in my local fish and chip shop the other day. Six flakes were battered.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

“That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

 

[Billy ray]

I got attacked by 3 blokes last night but managed to knock one out

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could have been my last

 

[Andrewy]

A man at a funeral walks up to the widow and says, "Mind if I say a word?"
She says, "Please do".
He says "bargain."
She says, "Thanks, that means a great deal."

 

[Billy ray]

A man at a funeral walks up to the widow and says, "Mind if I say a word?"
She says, "Please do".
He says "plethora."
She says, "Thanks, that means a lot."

 

[GreyCrow]

Im dying with these funeral jokes

 

[worbod]

Im dying with these funeral jokes

I laughed so hard at these funeral jokes I started coffin.

 

[Andrewy]

I’m reading a horror story in braille.

Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

 

[worbod]

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

“That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

I have heard a variation of this joke:

A boy/girl is showing his/her friend around their shed at home. The child points to a small ladder and says:
"This is my stepladder. My real ladder left home when I was a small child."

 

[Andrewy]

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend is an expert reading maps.

He’s a legend.

 

[Andrewy]

Why did I turn off the orchestra performance?

There was too much sax and violins.

 

[Andrewy]

Did you hear about the time I drank invisible ink?

I'm still at the hospital waiting to be seen.

 

[Andrewy]

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding ..

She got really mad and said she was never playing Scrabble with me again.

 

[the_interloper]

A bloke just asked me what's the quickest way to Box Hill.

I asked "are you driving or walking?" and he said "walking".

I said "yeah that's the quickest way".

 

[Andrewy]

The rotation of earth really makes my day

 

[Andrewy]

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”

 

[GreyCrow]

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”

Its a black and white argument from what I can see

 

[Andrewy]

5 Ants rented an apartment with 5 other Ants.

Now they're tenants.

 

[Andrewy]

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps"

 

[Andrewy]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing...

 

[Andrewy]

My cat was just sick on the carpet.

I don't think he's feline well.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Person 1: I like putting coloured balls on buttered bread.
Person 2: 100's & 1000's?
Person 1: Let's start with one.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Andrewy.

I hope you've saved these for any kids you might have and batter them with these.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Also Andrewy.

Imagine if Benny Hill was a bigger name than he was.

He'd've become Benny Mountain.