Lame jokes

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belfast_bomber said:
hello folks, I've just been directed to this thread by general consensus among the football board cognoscenti, they think I'll fit right in. can't imagine why.

anyway, here's one for starters:

what do you call two mexican carpet layers?

(wait for it)

underlay! underlay!
Click to expand...
i like it
mdunn27 said:
That is the lamest joke ever! You win! haha

Keep em coming nivek :thumbsu:
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yer wasn't bad i pretty much only did the second quote so i could do a double quote:thumbsu:
 
A psychology student decides to have a party and invites lots of
people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation
he writes...

"Theme Party - Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens
the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N
and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,

"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy
says,

"I'm green with envy".

"Brilliant," says the host, "come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a
feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to
this woman,

"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

"I'm tickled pink" she replies.

"I love it," says the host, "come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time,
and the host opens the door to see two black guys from New York,
stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and
the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says,

"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get
arrested for standing like that out here in the street.
What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies,

"Well, I'm f#*kin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in
dispair."
 

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After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball went to the circus owner and said that he had had enough! He was going to retire...he didn't want to be fired out of the big gun anymore!

"But you can't!" shouted the cigar-chomping boss. "Where will I find a man of your calibre?"
 
What do you call Postman Pat when he Retires?
Pat

Why do you put a baby feet first into a blender?
So you can see the experession on its face

How do you stop a baby falling down a man hole?
Stick a javelin through its skull

How do you know there is a party at Michael Jacksons place?
There are 400 tricycles out the front
 

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What do ytou call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse?

Warren
 
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other
buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor
by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They
decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the
police station and said,

"We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody
kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
 
nivek48 said:
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other
buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor
by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They
decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and
showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it
any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the
police station and said,

"We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody
kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
Click to expand...

is that where he was??? dammit!!!!
 
another cemetery one:

two kerrymen in a cemetery, looking at the stones. on their way out they see one by the side of the road

"janey mac, will you look at that? this fella was old wasn't he? lived to be 180"

"really? what was his name so?"

"miles, from dublin"
 
Sammy_g said:
\What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse?

Warren
Click to expand...

9rke8l.jpg
 
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
 
A man is hosting a fancy dress party - no theme, just dress up as something.

The doorbell rings, and he opens the door to a man wearing nothing but a pair of slacks - no shirt, no shoes, nothing else.

"What the hell are you supposed to be dressed up as?"

"I'm a premature ejeculation - I've just come in my pants"
 
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