Lame jokes

[the ooze]

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods one day. The bear said to the rabbit, "When you take a dump does it stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No". So the bear wiped his bum with the rabbit.

hahaha
wasn't expecting that one

 

[drew_j]

A man is hosting a fancy dress party - no theme, just dress up as something.

The doorbell rings, and he opens the door to a man wearing nothing but a pair of slacks - no shirt, no shoes, nothing else.

"What the hell are you supposed to be dressed up as?"

"I'm a premature ejeculation - I've just come in my pants"

Hehe, that's not even lame.

 

[el dudarino]

Q: What do you call a man with a plank nailed to his head?
A: Edward.


Q: What do you call a man with three planks nailed to his head?
A: Edward Woodward.


Q: Why couldn't Batman go fishing?
A: Because Robin ate all the worms.


Gaugin: Vincent, why did you cut your ear off?
Vincent: Pardon?


el D

 

[Quadzilla]

Gaugin: Vincent, why did you cut your ear off?
Vincent: Pardon?

el D

 

[Mingo]

please post a lame joke or get out.

I think you take too much pride in the lameness of your jokes. You should raise the bar a bit.

 

[belfast_bomber]

Q: what did spike milligan call his mp3 player?
A: ying tung iddle iPod

 

[Fevsdabom]

Why did the wombat cross the road??



To meet his flat mate!!!

 

[ClarkeM]

What happens after we die?
We are dead.

 

[GrayNicolls]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

 

[Bourky23]

hahaha

 

[Quadzilla]

Four lepers were enjoying a game of poker, till one of them threw his hand in.

What do you call a leper in a spa???? Stu

 

[Quadzilla]

What do they use for aftershave in New Zealand?
Mint Sauce

Why do New Zealand racehorses run so fast?
They've seen what happens to the sheep

What's the capital of New Zealand?
About $1.40

 

[Quadzilla]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says HeyKoala ! ?what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

?"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much did ya drink?!!"

 

[Bourky23]

lol these jokes are so lame... its awesome

 

[Quadzilla]

What does Mozart do now he is dead?

He decomposes.

 

[roostersgal4eva]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

A much better version than the one I heard

 

[one_twelve112]

Q: What did the potato say to the Gnocchi?



A: "You've changed"

 

[belfast_bomber]

what do you call a woman juggling three pints?

beatrix

 

[ClarkeM]

What does Mozart do now he is dead?

He decomposes.

Bravo!

 

[chickens_law]

Whats a pig?

policeman eating maccas

 

[La Vache]

Why does Rupert Bear wear tartan trousers?

Because he is a c**t

 

[La Vache]

Q. How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in one light bulb?

... well? ... Don't know?

A. Well you wouldn't would you, you weren't there.

 

[La Vache]

Q. How many lawyers would it take to screw in one lightbulb?

A. F*****g lawyers.

 

[belfast_bomber]

so this red bull walks into a bar

the barman says "you know mate, we've got a drink here named after you"

and the bull says "what, graham?"

 

[jack lives here]

why don't kiwis take their girlfriends to the footy?
Cos they eat all the grass.

what has two legs and bleeds alot
half a dog.

why did the chicken cross the basketball court
cos he heard the ref was blowing fouls.