Lame jokes

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there was a bloke named harry and every weeek without fail, he would put his bins out and wait for the garbage man so he could have a chat. then one week harry wasn't there. he was nowhere to be seen for six months. then afetr six months to the day the garbage man stopped to pick up his bins but they weren't on the roadside and harry was just sitting down on his step. So the garbage man hops out of the truck and walks up to harry. He says "hey Harry, where's ya bin?" to which Harry replies "i bin on a holiday for six months." the garbage man says, "no harry where ya wheelie bin?" so Harry says "ok you got me i wheelie bin in jail." :thumbsu:
 
eagle 3 said:
there was a bloke named harry and every weeek without fail, he would put his bins out and wait for the garbage man so he could have a chat. then one week harry wasn't there. he was nowhere to be seen for six months. then afetr six months to the day the garbage man stopped to pick up his bins but they weren't on the roadside and harry was just sitting down on his step. So the garbage man hops out of the truck and walks up to harry. He says "hey Harry, where's ya bin?" to which Harry replies "i bin on a holiday for six months." the garbage man says, "no harry where ya wheelie bin?" so Harry says "ok you got me i wheelie bin in jail." :thumbsu:
Click to expand...

groan :thumbsu:
 
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
 
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
 
Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.

All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls inthe distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water. "No," replied the Arab within, "We only have custard." The men went into the next tent and asked the same question. "I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly." Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there is any water to spare. "A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have spongecakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused. "That was weird," said Evan. "Yes," replied Dai, "It was a trifle bazaar."
 
nivek48 said:
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
Click to expand...

I wont doubt you ever again :D:thumbsu:
 
A man was walking down the street and he had a steering wheel hanging out of his pants, I asked him "whats that steering wheel hanging out of your pants for?" he replied "dunno but its driving me nuts"........
 

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Couple of lame jokes - first one u need to say outloud to get.......

Q If you are an Aussie before u go to the loo, what are you when your in the loo
A European

Q How do you crash a houseboat party?
A You just barge in!
 
What did Norah Jones' impotent boyfriend say to her?

I don't know why I didn't come.
 
belfast_bomber said:
Q. And what are you afterwards?
A. Finnish.
Click to expand...
Boom Tish! :D

What do u call a angry german?
Sourcrout

What is a Serge Arrestor?
An Italian Cop

As any one can tell you, there are three major parties in America...
Republican, Democratic, and Tupperware

My friend said her boyfriend wanted to see her in somthing long and flowing.....
.....so I pushed her into the river
 
Woodson said:
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Click to expand...
LMAO :D:D:D:D
 
what do you call a man in a canoe?
rowan

what do you call a man with a car on his head?
jack

what do you call a man at your doorstep?
matt

what do you call a lesbian with one leg?
gayleen
 
A scientist, who was successful in cloning himself, was asked to speak at a national scientific convention of cloning.

The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and he proceeded to the podium, while the clone sat at the end of the head table.

The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began.

But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out,"He's an arseh*le!".

The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone,"Sit down and shut-up!"

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again,"My fellow scientists ..."

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ass couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent son-of-a-bitch!"

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him and threw him out of the window.

A short while later the police arrived and were told of the events that had transpired.

The police chief thought about it for a while, and finally said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."

The shocked scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person."

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged. We are holding you for making an obscene clone fall ..."
 
Noah was sitting quietly at home one day, when out through the clouds comes the voice of God

"Noah, I need you to build another ark" God says

Noah replies "No worries, Ill get onto that, same as last time?"

"Yeah, same as last time, but with more levels"

"More levels?" Noah queries

"Yeah, like with 4 or 5 floors, and this time, I dont want 2 of every animal" God explains

"What! Well what is going into this ark?" Noah asks

"Ahhh, just fish this time"

"Fish!?!"

"Well, more specifically, just Carp" God replies

Noah is going a little crazy by this point

"Let me see if I've got this straight, you want an ark, but this one must have more than one level, you don't want two of every animal, but simply you want me to fill this boat with Carp!"

"Yes Noah" God says "I would like you to build me a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
 
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