Lame jokes

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Marklar_33 said:
Noah was sitting quietly at home one day, when out through the clouds comes the voice of God

"Noah, I need you to build another ark" God says

Noah replies "No worries, Ill get onto that, same as last time?"

"Yeah, same as last time, but with more levels"

"More levels?" Noah queries

"Yeah, like with 4 or 5 floors, and this time, I dont want 2 of every animal" God explains

"What! Well what is going into this ark?" Noah asks

"Ahhh, just fish this time"

"Fish!?!"

"Well, more specifically, just Carp" God replies

Noah is going a little crazy by this point

"Let me see if I've got this straight, you want an ark, but this one must have more than one level, you don't want two of every animal, but simply you want me to fill this boat with Carp!"

"Yes Noah" God says "I would like you to build me a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
Click to expand...

aahahahahahaha
 

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"...
and THAT'S when the fight started .
 
How to get out of a traffic ticket!:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
 
nivek48 said:
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"
The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"
The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"
The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
Click to expand...

Haha nice one.

Although I would be a bit worried about going to a pub where the barman comments on everyones clothes.
 
belfast_bomber said:
back in the day when ronaldo and david beckham were still at real madrid...

one day ronaldo, raúl and beckham are at the training ground, and they're sitting down to their packed lunches

ronaldo opens his lunchbox... "bloody egg sandwiches again. I tell you, I'm that sick of egg sandwiches. if I have egg sandwiches again tomorrow I'm jumping off the roof of the bernabeu stadium."

raúl opens his... "¡putamadre! ham and cheese again. another day of ham and cheese and I'll jump off the stadium roof too."

and beckham opens his... "damn, marmite again. if I get marmite again tomorrow I'm jumping off the stadium roof as well."

of course you know what happens next

and at the funeral, the wives are standing round talking

mrs ronaldo says "poor ronnie, if only he'd told me he was sick of egg sandwiches he'd be with us now"

mrs raúl says "why couldn't he have told me he was tired of ham and cheese sandwiches? such a waste"

and victoria says "I can't understand it. david always made his own sandwiches."
Click to expand...
Mate that is GOLD!!:thumbsu::D:thumbsu:
 

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There is a very very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:
King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.
They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the banana. Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality. Answer within 10 seconds
Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.



























If your answer is....


Orangutan = dull/stupid

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid


Why?????
Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas
 
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine
 
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
 
A plane flying over the atlantic ocean has experienced some severe turbulance and suddenly all engines go out and the plane starts to plummet. The capt. comes on the intercom and says "ladies and gentlemen we are about to crash land please assume the crash positions". As expected there is much screaming and panic. A woman jumps up and yelled out "if we are going to crash, is there a man onboard that can make me feel like a woman one last time before I die". A guy several rows back jumps up heroically rips off his shirt and says "here, iron this"!
 
Blonde?

she spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.'

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' so she turned around and went home

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

she studied for a blood test.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tripped over a cordless phone
 
A woman goes into the golf pro shop after playing...
woman: "I just got stung by a bee!"
pro: "where abouts?"
woman: "between the first and second hole."
pro: "hmmm... your stance is too wide"
 
dont know if these have been done.

howd the egg get down the hill?

it scrambled


man calls hospital for emergency
man: doc, ive got 30 seconds to live
doc: ok, wait a minute...

they have lame written all over them.
 
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