Official Team Thread Las Vegas Bears S38 Official Team Thread ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ 🎰 Year of the Bear? Ah, Who Are We Kidding!

[tony]

From the very first bounce, it was clear we were in for a tough day at the office. The Gold City Royals came out firing, dominating the early exchanges and piling on the pressure. Unfortunately for them, their accuracy was as reliable as a drunk bloke trying to hit the toilet in the dark, they had the first six scoring shots of the match but somehow managed to spray them everywhere.

Enter Tommycash, the man with ice in his veins and a boot of pure gold. In the 18th minute, he had our first crack at goal, and unlike the Royals, he didn’t need a GPS to find the big sticks. Bang! Straight through the middle! That, my friends, is how it’s done. By the end of the quarter, the scoreboard was lopsided in terms of opportunities, the Royals had 10 scoring shots to our 2, but thanks to their woeful accuracy, they could only convert 3 of those into goals. Meanwhile, we were clinical, converting both our chances and keeping ourselves in the contest despite the lopsided play.

The second quarter? More of the same, folks. The Royals were out there playing a game of "How Many Points Can We Kick?" (Spoiler: a lot). If their shots were a weather forecast, it would’ve been “99% chance of disappointment.” They had more scoring shots than a rowdy Vegas bar on a Friday night, but their 3.7 meant we were still in with a sniff. MWPP and kane249 managed to capitalise on the few chances we had up forward, each nailing a goal to keep the flickering flame of hope alive.

At half time, we were down by 24 points. It could have been much worse given the Royals' dominance, but their inability to convert kept us in the hunt.

The third quarter? Well, the plan was to make a fast start, but we did the exact opposite, the Royals finally found their inner sharp shooters and kicked the first goal of the half. Then they decided to really have a crack and stretched the lead to 41 points. It was like watching a slow motion train wreck. But just when it seemed like we were down for the count, MWPP and Art Vandelay_ stood up, dusted off the disappointment, and gave us two much needed late goals. Thanks to them, we were only mildly stressed at three-quarter time, with the margin at 29 points. Could we dare to dream?

Down by 29 points, we knew we had to start the last quarter strong, and Art Vandelay_ delivered with the first goal of the term. We were within four goals now, and the crowd (all five of them) started believing in miracles. But that’s as close as we’d get. The Royals found their rhythm again, finally remembering that goals count for more than behinds, and surged ahead, putting the game to bed.

Sure, MWPP and Senor M added some junk time goals to make it look a little more respectable, but let’s be honest, we were never really in with a shot. The final margin of 22 points? Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better. But with the Royals racking up 33 scoring shots to our 21, the real miracle is that we didn’t lose by 10 goals.

So where does that leave us? Well, my dear Bear friends, it leaves us paddling furiously up shit creek without a paddle, sitting 11th on the ladder and 15% adrift of the top 8. With a bye this week, it’s about to get even harder.

Art Vandelay_ and MWPP kicked 3 goals each, Matera92 chipped in with 2 and kane249, Millky95, Senor M and Tommycash 1 each.

SSSSSS lead the way with 25 possessions, Senor M 22 and 9 Marks, RonnieRaven 20 and 7 Marks, Chipmunk 19 and Electronic_Renaissance 18.

Have you ever wondered if the match review was written in the style of a musical what it would look like. Imagine no longer. Beware its terrible.

Spoiler: Musical Review

"The Royal Fumble: A Las Vegas Bears Musical"​

(Opening number: A dramatic overture, with lights dimmed. The stage is set with raindrops falling, and players slipping in slow motion. The Bears take their positions as a choir of backup dancers in royal outfits appear.)

Verse 1 – "The Royals Can't Kick"(To the tune of “I Will Survive”)

Royals (ensemble singing in minor key):
"We came out strong, we had the ball,
But every shot we took, missed, we couldn't score at all!
Our boots were wild, our kicks went wide,
A royal mess it was, but hey, at least we tried!"

(Spotlight on Tommycash, who struts forward, football in hand.)

Tommycash (solo, in triumph):
"I saw my chance, the time had come,
The Royals were stumbling ‘round like they’d had too much rum.
And so I kicked, and nailed the goal,
While they sprayed it wide, I made it whole!"

(Chorus echoes "He made it whole!" with jazz hands.)

Chorus (harmonizing):
"Oh, Tommy’s got the magic touch!
His kick was sweet, it meant so much!"

Royals: (looking dejected)
"We had 10 shots, and what did we get?
Three measly goals, no goals to forget!"

(Cue a comic dance sequence where Royals players fumble and flail around, kicking in every direction but the goals, with confetti flying as the crowd laughs.)

---

Verse 2 – "A Slim Hope"(To the tune of “Don’t Stop Believin’”)

MWPP and Kane (duet, arms raised dramatically to the sky):
"It’s pouring down, but we’re still here,
Though the scoreboard makes us shed a tear.
But there’s a spark, a little flame,
These Royals, they just can’t play the game!"

Backup dancers, dressed in royal robes, twirl umbrellas and miss every step as MWPP and Kane belt out their goals.

Kane:
"I see the ball, I take my shot,
And through the rain, I hit the sweet spot!"

MWPP:
"And I’ll follow through, and nail one too,
Oh Royals, you’ve got no clue!"

Chorus (building into crescendo):
"Three-seven? Are you kidding me?
This game should be done, but there’s a chance for victory!"

---

Verse 3 – "The Comeback That Wasn’t"
(To the tune of “The Final Countdown”)

(Stage turns red, lights flash, and a massive clock appears in the background, ticking down. The Bears huddle up for one last push, while Art Vandelay takes center stage.)

Art Vandelay (powerful solo):
"I kicked it first, I made them squirm,
Four goals down – do we have a turn?
Can we rise up, can we prevail?
Or will this end, a tragic tale?"

(Royals ensemble begins to find their form, singing harmonies about getting their kicks back on track, as the Bears struggle.)

*Chorus (melancholic):
"The Royals… they’re finally awake…
Our slim chance… about to break…"

(The clock ticks louder. The Royals regain their composure, but MWPP and Senor M fight back, each with their own lines.)

MWPP:
"I won't go quietly into the night,
I’ll kick another, fight the fight!"

Senor M:
"One more for pride, we’ll go down swinging,
Even if this match isn’t ours for winning!"

(The Royals, now smug, high-kick their way through a triumphant dance as the Bears slump slightly, but with dignity.)

---

Finale – "Up Shit Creek (Without a Paddle)"(To the tune of “My Way”)

The stage dims as the Bears regroup, gathering on one side of the stage, gazing up at the scoreboard. The Royals lounge on the other side, sipping tea with pinkies up. A spotlight shines on the Bears' captain as he begins the final number, slowly and dramatically.)

Bears Captain (soulful solo):
"And now… the game is done,
We fought the fight, but lost the fun.
The Royals… well, they had the ball,
But missed the goals – they missed them all."

The Bears, heads held high, sing in unison as they march off the field, still proud.

**Chorus (full ensemble):
"We’re up shit creek… without a paddle,
It’s a mess, but we’ll never rattle.
Though we’re 11th now, it’s plain to see,
The Bears will rise again – just wait and see!"

The final note rings out, as confetti cannons fire in the stadium. The Bears exit in slow-motion, determined for a comeback, while the Royals awkwardly celebrate their win, spilling their tea. The curtain falls.

Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

 

[Matera92]

 

[tony]

Well, Bears fans, we’ve had close calls, tough losses, and glorious wins, but never a match like this. This week’s epic clash against The Bye was one for the ages, as we fought bravely to an exhilarating 0-0 draw. And while the scoreboard might imply nothing happened, let’s just say we found more ways to not score than anyone thought possible.

As we gathered in the hallowed Stadium in the Sky, it seemed that every single Bear player on the list was warming up, ready to take to the field. With us not completing a team sheet this week, I am sure there is someone out there just waiting to dob us in.

From the outset, The Bye meant business... in the form of no business at all. With an entirely invisible line up, they expertly maintained an eerie defensive pressure, or so we assumed, because every time we glanced downfield, their players were nowhere to be seen. We tried pushing forward, but with no opponents to distract us, things quickly went off script. MWPP tried a slick dummy pass, only to realise she was faking out herself, while Kane249 somehow managed to bounce the ball directly into his own face.

Millky95 looked to settle the nerves with a shot on goal, but just as it seemed set to sail through, JoseMourinho pulled up late to the game, bus and all, and drove directly into the goal square, blocking the shot. Apparently, nobody had informed him that he didn’t need to park the Bus this week.

After a team huddle to discuss our non existent opposition, we charged back out for the 2nd Quarter, convinced this was our quarter. The Bye’s strategy of being a complete no show was working as a psychological masterstroke, leaving our players confused and aimless. Art Vandelay finally lined up what looked to be a sure six pointer, but as his kick sailed goalward, disaster struck. Out of nowhere, a rogue seagull flew into the ball’s path, deflecting it wide of the posts, and the seagull was left sprawled on the ground, feathers everywhere. Art was last seen muttering, “This is all Matera's fault.”

Switching up tactics for the 3rd Quarter, we decided to test our skills against the, well... the concept of nothing. We tried it all: chip kicks, banana kicks, torpedoes, even the odd backflip. But without a single opponent to dodge, our play devolved into an existential crisis. Midfielders started passing aimlessly and even stopped to wave to the crowd (who were equally puzzled as to why they’d paid for tickets). At one point, MWPP lined up for a dummy pass, only to psych herself out and fall for her own move.

As we neared the goal, Matera took a shot, but somehow it hit our runner instead, who was on his way to fetch a couple of beers for Testy.

Desperate to break the deadlock, we brought out the big guns in the last Quarter. Chipmunk found himself with a clear line to the goal in the final term, lining up a shot that was all set to sail through... when against all odds, the same seagull from the second quarter, dazed but determined, rose from the turf like a true Phoenix and swatted the ball away mid flight. The stunned silence was only broken by the sound of Chipmunk muttering, “That’s gotta be personal.”

With mere seconds remaining, Joshwoodenspoon marked the ball on the Bye's goal line, saving the match winning score for the opposition. Knowing time was running out, he bravely played on, unaware of where The Bye’s players might be lurking. The Bears immediately called for the legendary platypus formation. Josh quickly passed to Tony, who, unfortunately, was too busy devouring a pizza to even notice the ball. Luckily, Testy had just finished his beer and had a free hand to tap the ball onto SSSSSS, who launched a booming kick toward Shadow Man. Shadow Man, seizing the moment, handballed to the overlapping Ronnieraven, who kicked it swiftly to Cap.

Cap had the final shot in the dying moments and lined up to break the deadlock but just as the ball headed for the line, our runner dashed through, carrying a fresh six pack for Testy and accidentally knocked the ball back into play. The final siren sounded, leaving us at a glorious, unforgettable 0-0 draw.

After four quarters of gritty, absolutely baffling play, we left the field exhausted, laughing, and still trying to figure out exactly how we didn’t score against an opponent who wasn’t even there.

Moral of the Game: You can’t beat what doesn’t exist… or maybe you can, but we’ll never know.

We are 2 points out of the 8 and a lot of percentage but miracles can happen. We have the Bombers up next.



Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

#3votesMatera92

 

[Art Vandelay_]

#3votesMatera92

Las Vegas Bears delist JoshWoodenSpoon

Squad list amended.