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The Vicar's Salary



At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'


More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:


'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ' "**** him'!"
 

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A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?';)
 
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.:eek:

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"
 
I went into Hungry Jacks the other day and, as I was ordering, two Muslim women walked in.




I saw they had the most colourful garments from head-to-toe and I immediately thought to myself........





"The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks".:D
 
A beautiful 25 yr old woman entered the doctors clinic with an rash on her vagina.

WOMAN: "my vagina is really itchy, what can you do to fix it doc?"

DOCTOR: "Looking at your symptoms I am not too sure what the problem is. However, I would be very grateful if you would participate in a new treatment for scientific research. In doing this, I will need to smear butter over half of your vagina"


A little confused the woman eventually agrees and, enjoying himself, the doctor spends 5 minutes applying the butter and a week later the woman, disappointed, returns with the same rash.


WOMAN: "the treatment didn't work, have you got anything else doctor?"

DOCTOR: "Perhaps we shall use margarine instead of butter this time, i'm sure that will do the trick!"


After much thought the woman agrees to have the treatment and, enjoying himself yet again, the doctor spends another 5 minutes applying the margarine. A week later the woman returns yet again with the same rash and accuses the doctor angrily:


WOMAN: "what's wrong doc? my rash has not been cured!

DOCTOR: "my apologies darling, I should have referred you straight to the gynocologist"

WOMAN: "What??? What was that bullshit you have been making me do for the last 2 weeks then? You haven't proved anything!"

DOCTOR: "Well, as a matter of fact I have. After many tests I have now proved that no C*nt can tell the difference between butter and margarine!"
 
The Aussie bloke , a virile middle aged chap named Dick
was relaxing at his favourite bar in Northbridge when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So,
you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Dick reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ended and, again, Dick smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Dick reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Dick fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You
finish?'
v
v

v
v
v
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I
Norwegian.'
 
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about
celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist,
and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll
destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be
financially secure for life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and
after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,
'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did
it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'
'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. 'They must have seen you coming!'
 
3 bikeys sitting in the bar, after a long afternoon of talking about this deed and the next, and drinking heavily, the bikeys begin to discuss their respective women, and came to the topic of nicknames.

The 1st bikey says "i call my girl dove, because she's cute and petite"

The second bikey says "i call my girl flamingo, because she's tall and slender".

The third bikey says "I call my girl thrush because she's an irritating c*nt".



boom tish
 
masked magpie said:
3 bikeys sitting in the bar, after a long afternoon of talking about this deed and the next, and drinking heavily, the bikeys begin to discuss their respective women, and came to the topic of nicknames.

The 1st bikey says "i call my girl dove, because she's cute and petite"

The second bikey says "i call my girl flamingo, because she's tall and slender".

The third bikey says "I call my girl thrush because she's an irritating c*nt".



boom tish
Click to expand...
.... and thus the reason why the Mods where stupid for closing the Bad Taste thread(s).
 

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I was going to put this riddle in the Lame Jokes thread, but somebody closed it.

Q. There once was a triangle named Pot, who worked as a farmer. One day Pot took some sheep to the sale yards, and whilst there, saw another triangle whom he had gone to school with many years ago. How was Pot greeted by his old friend?

A. "Hi Pot and ewes."
 
worbod said:
I was going to put this riddle in the Lame Jokes thread, but somebody closed it.

Q. There once was a triangle named Pot, who worked as a farmer. One day Pot took some sheep to the sale yards, and whilst there, saw another triangle whom he had gone to school with many years ago. How was Pot greeted by his old friend?

A. "Hi Pot and ewes."
Click to expand...

Was over 1000 posts...
Just made a part 2 :thumbsu:
 
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
 
Young Maria just got married to an Italian concreter name Guiseppe who was 6ft 5 and built like a brick shithouse. They decided to live with her parents intially to save up more money to buy a house.

On their wedding night they had returned home and Guiseppe was keen as mustard for some action but Maria was nervous. Their room was upstairs while the parents lived downstairs.

The big moment arrived and Guiseppe took of his shirt revelaing a huge muscley chest and a six pack that could hold 10 dollars worth of loose change. In fright Maria ran out and downstairs and knocked on her parents room. "Mumma mumma, Guiseppe just took of his shirt and he has very big muscles and Im scared" The Mother grabbed Maria and said "Maria, thisa your duty, you go uppa stair and make love to your husband."

Reluctantly Maria trudged upstairs and upon entering their room, Guiseppe was taking off his pants revealing legs that rippled with muscle and she immediately bolted back downstairs in a panic. She again knocked on her parents door. "Mumma, mumma, Guiseppe just took off his pants and his legs are huge and so muscley, I am scared" The mother who was getting annoyed yelled at Maria "You getta upastairs and you pleasa your husband, it is your duty"

Maria slowly made her way back upstairs dreading what was going to happen to her being the good virgin. As she re entered their room, Guiseppe was standing there naked revealing an 11 inch shlong that was thicker than a coke can. She turned white and bolted once again to mumma.

Crying she knocked on the door, "Mumma, mumma Guiseppe is naked and his thing is massive, it is huge I am so scared" Mumma grabbing Maria on both shoulders said " Maria, stand aside, this is a job for mumma".
 
Some Pearlers, Mostly Lame

· The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.



· A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."



· There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.



· Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.













· Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.













· A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"



· Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"



· My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"



· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.



While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."



I said, "I haven't got an erection!"



She replied, "No, but I have!"





· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!





· A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"



Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"





· A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."< /p>



The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"





· French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!



Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!



Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!



Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"





· I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!





· The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.





· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!





· Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?



So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
 
Re: Some Pearlers, Mostly Lame

topjars said:
· The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.



· A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."



· There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.



· Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.













· Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.













· A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"



· Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"



· My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"



· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.



While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."



I said, "I haven't got an erection!"



She replied, "No, but I have!"





· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!





· A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"



Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"





· A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."< /p>



The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"





· French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!



Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!



Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!



Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"





· I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!





· The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.





· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!





· Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?



So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
Click to expand...
None of those tasteless jokes were anywhere near being pearlers.
 

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