Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:

'9.'

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:

'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry,after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.;)
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked her why, she said:





''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''



My mate's shagging a pair of twins.
I said, "how do you tell them apart?"
He said, "it's easy - Julie's got long blond hair and
Derek's got a moustache."
​
 

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Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

A young blonde woman is very depressed and thinking of throwing herself off the Westgate Bridge. Just as she's about to leap a strapping young sailor happens to drive past. He stops, and talks the girl into stepping away from the edge.
"You've got plenty to live for," he tells her. "I'm sailing off to Europe tomorrow morning, I'll stow you away on board my ship and look after you until we get to Europe. How does that sound?"
The girl is very pleased with this idea and tells him so.
"Good," he says. "I'll bring you food each night and get you to Europe, and in return, you can look after me each night in a special way."
The girl thought this was a fair enough deal, (low self esteem, huh) so the sailor hid her away on his ship in one of the life-boats. Every night he brought her food and in return she made love to him. This went on for several weeks, until she was discovered during a routine search by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have a deal with one of your sailors," the girl confessed. "He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me."
"He sure is lady," said the Captain. "This is the Polly Woodside."
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

Superman is flying about one night and feeling ready for a bit of lady action. He decides to head over to Wonderwoman's place and looks into her bedroom window. She's lying on her bed with no clothes on, her legs spread wide, moaning and panting.
Superman isn't on great terms with Wonderwoman, so he decides to be quick, and is in the room, doing his thing, and out of there in Superman-quick time. So fast that he's not even seen.
Wonderwoman says out loud, "What the hell was that?"
"I don't know, but it bloody hurt," says the Invisible Man.
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

A man moves to the city and starts a new job in a large law firm. On his first lunch break he finds on the street the card of a lady offering "special service."
He takes the card back to his desk and dials the number.
"Hello??" a sultry voice replies
"Hi" he says. "I'd like a blow job and some rear-end action. What do you think?"
"That sounds lovely Sir, but you need to dial 0 to get an outside line".
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

My girlfriend went to India on a UN sponsored investigation into child labour in clothing sweat-shops…

And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

I was asked to run in a charity marathon, so I said, "Piss off".
Then they told me it was for *******s and blind kids.
When I heard that, I thought, "Yeah, fu*k, I could win that..."
 
Re: Pearlers Only Pearlers only

What have a womans period and cricket got in common?

When the pads are on its time to have a bat!
 
Movie Test

AMAZING!


This math test can predict your all-time most-watched movie. Mine was
"Forest Gump"

Try it without looking at the answers. It's easy and really works:


Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply that by 3.

Add those two digits together.

Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.



















Your movie is:

1. Gone With The Wind.

2. Aliens..

3. Dances With Wolves.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forest Gump..

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Doctor Zhivago.

9. The Joy Of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys from Scotland.

10. Mary Poppins.



 

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Before his 2001 inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled:D, and said to Bill...."I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 
:eek: You took that out of context! Its been a long, looooong decade for me so getting jokes in now is a must, I dont know how long its gunna last :p
 
Not sure if these have been posted, thought they were quite good

My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank.

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When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a c**t' on my garage door!

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Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or sending racist jokes. Racism is a crime. And crime is for black people.
 
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25...
 
One evening a husband, thinking he was

being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps
we should start washing your clothes in
"Slim Fast". Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided
that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair
of underwear out of his drawer. '

What the heck is this?' he said to himself
as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he
shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum
powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'
 

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Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

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