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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast 'til the chores are done. Well, now he's a little pissed off.

He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chook.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says... I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile and says:

'Are you going to tell him, or should I':confused:
 
[FONT=&quot]Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again and appears before the Magistrate court....[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Magistrate asks; “ Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"
Paddy answers: “I think it’s my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork.......” [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
Football Pope said:
[FONT=&quot]Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again and appears before the Magistrate court....[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Magistrate asks; “ Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"
Paddy answers: “I think it’s my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork.......” [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
Click to expand...
that is the best joke i've heard in quite some time.
 

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old ones, but worth a repeat

-----------------------------------------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b******!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f**king b******!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b******. And every time I asked to borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

--------------------------------

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'

'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?'

'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of ˜em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of foockin one?'
 
Why did Uhura smell bad?

uhura029.jpg


Because William Shatner.
 
Football Pope said:
[FONT=&quot]Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again and appears before the Magistrate court....[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Magistrate asks; “ Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"
Paddy answers: “I think it’s my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork.......” [/FONT]
Click to expand...

Best joke this thread I think. :thumbsu::thumbsu::thumbsu:
 
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to

a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in

Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of

himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that

she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded,

"But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 
Can't remember how it goes exactly but you get the drift...

A tradie was at work with his workmate on a construction site. He turned to his mate and said "Hey, can you passs me that shrammer"

His work mate looked down a little confused "shrammer? You mean hammer?" he asked.

"Oh yea" replied the tradie, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep mixing up my words, thinking one thing and saying another". He replied.

"I know what you mean" said the work mate, "The other day I was with my wife and I was meant to say 'Night dear' but instead I said 'you ruined my life you f***ing bi**h!"
 
Andrew Johns' son Sam comes home from school in tears.
Johns asks, "Why so upset Sam?"
Sam replies, while sobbing " I failed geography today dad, it's my favourite subject. I missed out on passing by one lousy question"
Joey says "How can that be so? We studied hard for that. What question did you get wrong?"
Sam says "Well, they asked where the Black Sea is, and I said he plays in the centres for QLD"
 

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Just said to my kids, "Right you two, guess who's getting no dinner tonight..."

"Who?"

"Ethiopia. Let's go and get a pizza."
 
pekay-norwest said:
Andrew Johns' son Sam comes home from school in tears.
Johns asks, "Why so upset Sam?"
Sam replies, while sobbing " I failed geography today dad, it's my favourite subject. I missed out on passing by one lousy question"
Joey says "How can that be so? We studied hard for that. What question did you get wrong?"
Sam says "Well, they asked where the Black Sea is, and I said he plays in the centres for QLD"
Click to expand...
****ing Gold my friend. Loved it:thumbsu::):D;):heart:
 
jswan said:
R.I.P. Adrianna Xenidis.....Is it too early for jokes? Because that would be I_N_P_OPRI_TE
Click to expand...
Very funny:thumbsu::)
royboy2 said:
"I'd like to buy a Bowel please, Baby John"
Click to expand...
Very, very funny:thumbsu::)

A boy came into casualty with three toy plastic horses shoved up his butt.
The doctors listed his condition as stable!
 
Little Johnny

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."


"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!";)
 
0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
A lady goes to Coles, grabs a litre of milk, some toilet paper, a roast chicken and a loaf of bread. She goes up to the register to pay for it.
Man at register: Hey, you must be single?
Lady: How can you tell that? Is it from what I bought?
Man. No, it's cause you're so ****ing ugly!
 
Re: 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

samwise said:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Click to expand...

:thumbsu:
 
A little boy and a little girl attended the same (north melbourne) school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all
through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her
sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants
for her!

She said

'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and
GIBBLETS!!!
 
[FONT=&quot]A teacher was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs" to her first grade class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home....She read, "......and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "What do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, I think the man would have said: "Well, f*#k me! A talking pig!" [/FONT]
 
20 years ago, when I was 16 years of age and in high school, I measured my penis with a wood ruler. The irony was lost on me at the time.
 

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