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Saw one of my mates the other day, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted to him "where you off to?"

"to change a light bulb" he replied

"isn't that going to be a bit awkward?"

"not really" he said "I've still got the receipt you sarcastic bastard"
 
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

All of a sudden Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-string and bonks her senseless!

When he finishes he turns to Elton and says,"Your turn".

Automatically Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

To which Elton sobs "My head won't fit through the railings".
 
Stratford said:
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Click to expand...



... how do they survive with no visible means of support?:D
 
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Julia Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
 

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.

You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal voter."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Gillard supporter."

"I am," replied the balloonist."How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going.

You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
 
Slightly different

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect someone else to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!"
 
A bloke finds an old bottle , gives it a rub and a jeanie pops out , the Jeanie offers him the stock standard three wishes . His first wish is that he wants to be forever young , the jeanie grants the wish , his second wish he wants to be the luckiest guy ever so that he can win any lottery he enters and never run out of money, very smart thinking and the Jeanie grants the wish . His third wish he asks for the georgous Indian girl down the road that he's been infatuated with , the jeanie grants the wish .
One day he says to his indian girlfriend " what's that red dot between your eyes " and he reaches over and tries to scratch it off and he won a car !
 
SnakePlisskin said:
A bloke finds an old bottle , gives it a rub and a jeanie pops out , the Jeanie offers him the stock standard three wishes . His first wish is that he wants to be forever young , the jeanie grants the wish , his second wish he wants to be the luckiest guy ever so that he can win any lottery he enters and never run out of money, very smart thinking and the Jeanie grants the wish . His third wish he asks for the georgous Indian girl down the road that he's been infatuated with , the jeanie grants the wish .
One day he says to his indian girlfriend " what's that red dot between your eyes " and he reaches over and tries to scratch it off and he won a car !
Click to expand...

lmao;)
 
snakeplisskin said:
a bloke finds an old bottle , gives it a rub and a jeanie pops out , the jeanie offers him the stock standard three wishes . His first wish is that he wants to be forever young , the jeanie grants the wish , his second wish he wants to be the luckiest guy ever so that he can win any lottery he enters and never run out of money, very smart thinking and the jeanie grants the wish . His third wish he asks for the georgous indian girl down the road that he's been infatuated with , the jeanie grants the wish .
One day he says to his indian girlfriend " what's that red dot between your eyes " and he reaches over and tries to scratch it off and he won a car !
Click to expand...

lol :D:thumbsu:
 
SnakePlisskin said:
What's the difference between a thief and a gynecologist ?

One snatches watches , the other watches snatches.
Click to expand...

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's baton?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for stunning *****.
 

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