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There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog.
And the clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said Karate my ass!!!
 
^ reminds me of this one ....
Bloke buys his wife a magic dildo , he explains to her it follows commands , he says " magic dildo that pillow " and it starts pounding the pillow . Next day the wife's home alone and says " magic dildo my pussy " and bang the dildo's up there pounding away but she doesn't know how to stop it so she jumps in the car to drive to her husbands work to ask how to stop the dildo , she's swerving all over the road and a cop see's her and pulls her over , she explains to him whats going on and the cop says " magic dildo my ass " !
 
The girlfriend says to her boyfriend: "I don't think it's going to work out between you and I"
Boyfriend: "what do you mean?"
Girlfriend: "well, you're always pushing me around, talking behind my back..."
Boyfriend: "YOU'RE IN A ****ING WHEELCHAIR!!!"
 

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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
 
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
 
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
 
rustyg70 said:
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

All of a sudden Kylie trips over and gets her head stuck between the railings.

Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-string and bonks her senseless!

When he finishes he turns to Elton and says,"Your turn".

Automatically Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

To which Elton sobs "My head won't fit through the railings".
Click to expand...
GOLD! :D
 

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Football Pope said:
One for the animal lovers....What's the difference between a walrus and a fox?.....about 7 double scotches.
Click to expand...
Haha reminds me of the old classic:

What's the difference between Ginger Spice* and a walrus?

One is fat, has big teeth and a moustache. The other one is a walrus.

*insert whomever one pleases here.
 
kickazz said:
Haha reminds me of the old classic:

What's the difference between Ginger Spice* and a walrus?

One is fat, has big teeth and a moustache. The other one is a walrus.

*insert whomever one pleases here.
Click to expand...

All the more surprising is the shock at having a look at Ginger Spice these days shed be the thinnest out of all 5, bar Posh maybe.
I remember her on the footy show and god damn she was tiny.
 
I woke up this morning and my wife was out.

There was a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums'.

I don't know what the fat campaigner is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold
 
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A True Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he sawa car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that fookin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'!!!!
 

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