How do you make a postman sad?
Kill his wife and kids
Kill his wife and kids
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AFLW 2024 - Round 10 - Chat, game threads, injury lists, team lineups and more.
Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only
- Thread starter Damp Squarie
- Start date
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- Thread starter
- Banned
- #777
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.
'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look nothing like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and slurrs: 'errrm...I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look nothing like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and slurrs: 'errrm...I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
Football Pope
Norm Smith Medallist
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MarcMaverick
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What would you rather be? Mail of Femail
Football Pope
Norm Smith Medallist
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If I said mail..would the reply be... "Good get over here this femail wants her **** sucked?"
MarcMaverick
Ultra Vegito Blue
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Or when you once open it an un-package.
SnakePlisskin
Cancelled
- Mar 3, 2012
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How do you tell the gay guy amongst your mates ?
His D**k tastes like sh**.
His D**k tastes like sh**.
- Banned
- #784
what do you say to a girl with two black eyes? nothing she's already been told twice...
and my favorite baby joke: what sound does a baby make in a microwave? i cant remember, i was too busy masturbating...
and my favorite baby joke: what sound does a baby make in a microwave? i cant remember, i was too busy masturbating...
SnakePlisskin
Cancelled
- Mar 3, 2012
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- Collingwood
Why did the Jews go back to Germany ?
To win back the ashes.
To win back the ashes.
Got this after footy training last night, pissed myself. Showed all the boys, pissed themselves. Sent it to a German mate who lives for these jokes, pissed himself. He sent this back....
I went to the doctor today and he told me I'm a Paranoid Racist.....
Well, he didn't say anything actually, but I reckon the black c*t was thinking it.
SnakePlisskin
Cancelled
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I like it , that's coming out Monday morning!
LOLed quite hard, will do the rounds at work tommorow
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a
warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their
best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not
give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was
one of the horses.
warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their
best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not
give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was
one of the horses.
SnakePlisskin
Cancelled
- Mar 3, 2012
- 2,463
- 2,428
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
Priest and a Rabbi were sitting on a park bench when a young boy stops and bends over in front of them to do his shoelaces up , priest says to the rabbi " wouldn't you like to screw that kid " and the rabbi says " out of what " .
MightyMark
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tazaa
Hall of Famer
First pearler in 8 months i reckon
I asked my Jewish mate if I could borrow $50 yesterday. He said to me '$40!!! What do you want $30 for?'
I believe David Cross said that.
I believe David Cross said that.
Quivorir
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He orders a drink.
Then he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “… before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things :
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah ..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
Then he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “… before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things :
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah ..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
Andonis1997
All-Round Good Guy
^^Gold 
Best joke i have seen in ages well done
SnakePlisskin
Cancelled
- Mar 3, 2012
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Bloke at the pub goes outside for a smoke and sees his car has been painted pink , goes back inside and yells " who the eff painted my effing car pink " , this mountain of a man stands up and says " I did " to which the bloke replies " your first coats dry " .
Football Pope
Norm Smith Medallist
- Sep 24, 2009
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man found themselves sharing a carriage on a long train trip
After about 2 hours the Jewish man stands up walks over to where the Chinese man is sitting and whirls the old roundhouse and slugs the Chinese man with an uppercut, that knocks the living crap out of the Chinese Gent....
When the Chinese man comes through "he looks at the Jewish man... rubbing his jaw and asks the question "What was that for?
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man says.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese you fool... I'm Chinese."
The Jewish man thinks for a minute then says "Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!" says the Chinee guy and stares out the window deep in thought....
After half an hour the Chinese man gets up walks over to the Jewish guy whirls an uppercut that knocks the Jewish man off his seat to the floor of the carriage.
As the Jewish man gets up he looks at the Chinese guy and says "What the **** was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic!" replies the Chinese gent
"The Titanic? We didn't sink the Titanic that was an iceberg."
Chinese guy looks at the Jew and says "Iceberg, Goldberg, you all the same to me...."
After about 2 hours the Jewish man stands up walks over to where the Chinese man is sitting and whirls the old roundhouse and slugs the Chinese man with an uppercut, that knocks the living crap out of the Chinese Gent....
When the Chinese man comes through "he looks at the Jewish man... rubbing his jaw and asks the question "What was that for?
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man says.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese you fool... I'm Chinese."
The Jewish man thinks for a minute then says "Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!" says the Chinee guy and stares out the window deep in thought....
After half an hour the Chinese man gets up walks over to the Jewish guy whirls an uppercut that knocks the Jewish man off his seat to the floor of the carriage.
As the Jewish man gets up he looks at the Chinese guy and says "What the **** was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic!" replies the Chinese gent
"The Titanic? We didn't sink the Titanic that was an iceberg."
Chinese guy looks at the Jew and says "Iceberg, Goldberg, you all the same to me...."
