What to do?

[Axl the great]

The one thing I always say, which might sound harsh, but has helped a couple of friends I've had in similar situations, is that when you spoke to her to first time, you needed to consider that she might react in this way.

The fact is, she has every right not to feel about you the same way that you do about her, and in your situation, you're almost certain not to see things clearly, taking her efforts to let you down gently and not damage your professional relationship as mixed messages.

The last thing you want to be is that guy that won't leave her alone (and I'm not suggesting that you're doing this), so the more you let this eat you up, and the more you let her know that it's still eating you up, the less attractive she is going to find you, regardless of whether she's going back and forth about it or not.

The fact is, there's never a functional relationship that comes from one side doing all the work. You've laid your cards on the table - Now you need to be cool about it and let her come to her own decision. If she's interested in you, and she knows how you feel, then you'll be there.

You have to think about the guy that you're going to be while she's making the decision: You can either be guy that stares at her longingly (which is rarely as romantic as it feels when you're doing it or watching it in a movie) and making her feel like you need her; or you can be the guy who has let her know that you like her, but still displays all of the qualities that she might be looking for in a guy.

Women also rarely find a lack of interest in other women to be a turn-off, so while guys think that they need to devote themselves to someone to get their attention, the woman is more likely to look at the guy's "devotion" as something weird.

The best thing you can do, whether this girl is in any way interested in you or not, is to move on with your life and act as though you would have a year ago, when you had no idea who this girl was. If she isn't interested, then you'll be moving on with your life, and if she is interested, or at least could be swayed in the future, you'll be putting your best foot forward and being the guy that she might actually like, not the guy that she's currently lukewarm about.

Thanks VV thats a great great peice of advice, ive tried to leave her be but yesterday i txt her to ask how exams went (She was working i wasnt) and she just broke down stormed out of work and cried for 4 hrs last night i kept hassling her to talk to me Stupid i know but couldnt help it, she just keeps saying shes morally not well so i put it all on the line AGAIN and feel like a bigger fool now than i did before and i reckon ive blown it now for sure. I had every intention of leaving it be but her severe reaction yesterday got me so upset i had to find out what was wrong and opened the whole thing up again.

Whether its too late i dont know probably is but the fact she was in that state was scary and now im just gonna leave her be and not mention it again she deserves better than stressing about my feelings.

 

[Vinnie Vegas]

It's always hard when you're the one in that position - The thing you need to realise is that when you're in this situation, all of your instincts are wrong, essentially.

Basically, you have to ignore what your instincts are telling you to do - If possible take counsel in a friend almost like an AA sponsor whenever you're not sure what you're doing.

If she's freaking out over nothing, then you want to leave her be anyway, and if she's freaking out over something real, but she doesn't want to open up to you about it, then the answer is the same. The instinct will be to get her to confide in you, as you tell yourself that that will bring you closer together, when in reality, the prying is likely to push her further away.

You're better off letting someone know that they can call you any time and that you'll be there for them, than trying to insert yourself into their private life. The only situation in which someone might actually need you to force your way in and get them to open up is going to be when you have a close existing relationship.

I remember one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was forcing a girl who was unhappy in our relationship to sit down and talk about it, and I refused to leave her alone until I felt like it was sorted out - All that did was force her to lie and say that everything was alright, while making her resent me even more.

You need to back off and play it cool, and because of the state you're in, that likely isn't going to be possible when you're talking to her, so you're going to need to give her a wide berth now. As hard as it seems, and as wrong as that seems in your mind, you need to avoid making any more than courteous and necessary contact with this girl until things calm down.

You're going to think you've got all these good ideas about what to do, but if I'm not wrong, you haven't really made the situation any better with anything you've done so far, have you?

 

[collingwill]

id sack the bitch. lol

tough break man, happens to everyone at some stage, it sucks.

 

[The Royal Sampler]

yesterday i txt her to ask how exams went (She was working i wasnt) and she just broke down stormed out of work and cried for 4 hrs last night

She broke down, left work and cried for 4 hours because you texted and asked how her exams went?

****, she's doing you a favour, you don't need that shit.

 

[collingwill]

theres nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel any better, the only cure is time, do yourself a favour though, dont put your life on hold, tryn mount as many women as you can, as often as you can.

 

[Pie eyed]

She broke down, left work and cried for 4 hours because you texted and asked how her exams went?

****, she's doing you a favour, you don't need that shit.

If, as you say Axl, you have been playing it pretty cool, things seemed to fairly normal and then she has reacted as above to a simple , from my reading, text enquiring about exams then I think TRS has nailed it i his reply above.

Either she has a penchant for the overly dramatic, which I personally find enormously unattractive, or she has some other problems totally apart from any relationship with you which is causing some legitimate emotional distress.

Either way the answer would seem to be back off, let her get herself sorted and if anything is ever going to eventuate let her make that move when she is ready.

Sorry it seems to be going to crap for you.

 

[pies75]

Axl, if it makes you feel even the slightest bit better, I worked with a girl i fell madly in love with, even spent a day out together" as friends" an was roundly rejected when the subject of relationships came up.

at the same time a work experience girl started with us, six months later we were dating and at the end of this month we celebrate ten years together, four and a half years of marriage and the best son anyone could possibly ask for (yeah, I know, they all say that, but it's true!), and i'm still madly in love.

The moral? it'll happen dude, patience.

 

[abs_of_STEELE]

To me she sounds like one one of those girls that you think is great, but afterwards you realise that you don't even want her.

Not sure if that makes sense but that is how I feel with my ex who recently dumped me. I thought she was great but then she went and did a few things that made me realise that she's not worth the trouble.

So although it is a bad situation that you're in, you don't need that girl.

 

[Pie eyed]

To me she sounds like one one of those girls that you think is great, but afterwards you realise that you don't even want her.

Not sure if that makes sense but that is how I feel with my ex who recently dumped me. I thought she was great but then she went and did a few things that made me realise that she's not worth the trouble.

So although it is a bad situation that you're in, you don't need that girl.

I think your looking for the word "infatuation".
It does not make it seem any less devastating though, until you yourself realise the truth.

 

[Axl the great]

Well heres the next chapter in this saga that is akin to Bold and Beautiful lol.
Found out she was dealing with other shit as well and that everything had gotten too much hence the crying and storming out of work.
To see her so upset killed me so i tried to fall and my sword, pulled her aside before work and gave her the option of just staying freinds if thats what she wants and id be more than happy with that (i was dying as i said it)
She replied she was still deciding with exams and everything going on it was too much.
I have backed off and we had one text session week when she was off sick and she said maybe we should have gone dinner (her english is not great as shes French) and she could have thrown up all over me

Shes awfully shy but seems to have really come out of her shell around me now and the situation is where it was, on a knifes edge from my perspective, Im still hopeful rather than confident and although i thought she would just come out and tell me if its on or off some wise female mates tell me thats not how it works with women even if a guy has declared thier feelings.
So still as confused as ever with the whole thing and trying to stay on top of it but the unknown is very tough especially for something you want so dearly.
Last but not least thanks guys for the advice, much appreciated.
If only Jack Anthony could kick for my fortunes id be set!

 

[Optimax]

Dont push anything Axel, although im sure you wouldnt

Let her work her way through it and see what happens, dont force any decision

 

[Axl the great]

Dont push anything Axel, although im sure you wouldnt

Let her work her way through it and see what happens, dont force any decision

Dont plan on it mate, treading very very carefully now despite my anxious tendancies, but in 1 week it will be 4 weeks since i told her and i dont think asking to hangout for the day would be pushing it, would it?

 

[Pie eyed]

Best of luck Axl. Sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

French...Ooh La la!
Always an added attraction.

 

[abs_of_STEELE]

Obviously very tough for you, good luck.

 

[Optimax]

Dont plan on it mate, treading very very carefully now despite my anxious tendancies, but in 1 week it will be 4 weeks since i told her and i dont think asking to hangout for the day would be pushing it, would it?

depends entirely on the girl mate

Id say gauge how she is feeling before asking anything, if she is in a warm, happy welcoming mood then go for it