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Tom Browne looks like he’s been sculpted from cheap Camembert.

We all got fingered by Broad tonight in the best way possible.

Whether it was the electricity of Balta and Bolton and Maurice, Gibcus’ hands, the strength of Lynch, the 100+ thrashing, or the ripper bowl I smoked at quarter time, I haven’t enjoyed as lazily a game of footy that much in nearly two years.

Utter bullshit that there’s no livestream. I can livestream every single Moldovan vag comparing convention there is, or every backwoods over-80s women’s tennis tournament in Florida, and yet not this.

Having rewatched the game, I’d like to apologise to both Baker and Bolton for not picking them in my votes. Bolton’s work was too subtle for me to pick up while smashed, and I confused a lot of what Baker did for what Short did, also because I was smashed, but also stressed. I think Bolton...

I rewatched the game last night and had a few glasses of wine but what I’d really love is to nip off into the bush for a few days with some bags and nangs and drink and just spend some really messy, quality time with all three premierships, just go absolutely berserk, run around naked and...

In the first quarter, Guthrie bumps Cotchin over the line, and Chimp goes to throw the ball at his head but stops himself. That’s the kind of stuff we did in the past too often and it was good to see him take the higher road. Plus it would have made the ball even greasier.

That’s my favourite. I was too nervous in 17 to remember it. I was too pissed last year to remember it. But this year that was the best. That was legendary. Dusty was absolutely phenomenal. So, so, so happy. We good we’re we?! I’m assuming with a couple of retirements of players and coaches...

I don’t know any of these musicians but I hope it never goes back to has-beens from the 80s ever again. It’s not even my cup of tea but it’s still heaps better than the bullshit they dig up graves for most years.

If the ground is as muddy as my arseh*le it’s going to be an absolute slog.

Been sweating all day and I smell like a dingo. Got a sweaty butthole and been doing stressed shits. This nighttime grand final business is no good.

Chris Scott taking absolute gibberish in the first couple of minutes of his presser. Completely contradicting what he has previously said about us.

Tall Poppy Syndrome has gotten a bit too big for its britches lately and it needs to be taken down a peg or two.

This is so tragically sad. My family is full of mental illness and suicides, it’s just so sad when it happens. I’ll always remember that game from about 2013 when we beat the Hawks and Tucky absolutely blasted them in the third or fourth quarter, kicking two goals to seal an amazing win in the...

One time when I was younger I was depressed for a while so just stayed in my flat and drank goon and got on the bongs and nangs for months. Eventually, a friend convinced me to come out and when I first got to Bimbo’s I was actually pretty excited just to be out of the house and amongst some...

One time I was really struggling to stay away from the nangs so I set out on a drive across the Nullarbor, spur of the moment and quite unlike me. I put my swag in the boot, packed some clothes, food and drink, and off I went, with my dog sitting in the passenger’s seat. The first day was...

Wasn’t dropped for the grand final but had seemingly cemented his place in the 22 before being dropped, although that happened in round 17, which was much earlier than I remembered. Cracked the shits was hyperbole; delayed re-signing in 2018 and I think spoke at some stage about having mixed...

Marlion is the best AFL story I’ve ever heard, but there are a few more first time Premiership players that need attention too: - Liam Baker, an unfit shortarse turned rookie turned rising star turned grand final player. Didn’t get much of it but was full of run and pressure, and a vital part...

One time when I was a kid I was trying to suck my own little pecker, and my mum barged into my room without knocking and saw me hunched over, mouth agape, straining and reaching with my lips for my knob but I simply could not reach it. Not flexible enough, not a big enough dong. My mum looked...

Genuinely thought this was a bloke giving a gobby to a deformed shlong... had post wank guilt under I realised it was a girl’s foot.

I hate doing my washing so much I honestly would if his socks weren’t so crusted over. It’s like trying to push it through the edge of a sheet of plywood.

That was a bit boring so I had a wank into my sock at halftime.

I’d just like to say after years of pushing shit uphill I recently got a girlfriend, my dick is literally sore from rooting so much, and our glorious Tiges are so GOOD! Like we are sooo good at footy. It’s all new to me and I love it. I’m really happy. Have a great weekend everyone!

Bad luck to Conca, he’s just cursed the poor campaigner. Loved the little smug look on Graham’s face in response to Vlaustin’s speccy on Franklin. Win away from the G. Win in a top of the table clash. Win with numerous injuries. Win despite possibly the worst umpiring of the year. That mark and...

Summary For the third time in three weeks, this preview begins by pointing out that we are atop of the ladder. The joy of that position may be slightly tempered by the fact this is our third Sunday game in a row (with another to follow), but it seems appropriate that this game falls on Mother's...

It’s my turn for the match preview thread, so I’ve gone camping for the week with loads of nangs to get me in the right headspace for it. But just quietly, best on ground for me was the pigeon.

Thanks Lynden. You absolutely made a tit of yourself, got things going our way, and you’re named after a tree that smells like jizz. Cheers.

I just pissed into my fireplace and all the soot fluffed up and floated around the room.