A Gaelic Football fan's first impressions of Aussie Rules

[Timbermerchant]

60,000 tickets sold for game on Sunday

Originally posted by MoffOnTou
good to see some creative bigfooty posters adopt 'irish personas' for the international rules series

Moffo

you're wrong there Moffo, Hardyarse has been a contributor to gaaboard.com for a couple of years now so I can personally vouch for his authenticity...you can check out some of his other posts on this site...but they'll probably mean nothing to you!

http://pub128.ezboard.com/bgaadiscussionboard

by the way 60,000 tickets have already been sold for the game on Sunday and if there's a hint of sunshine (its a glorious day here today) its going to be a sellout with 80,000 roaring on the Irish team

COME ON IRELAND

 

[Stealth bomber]

This would pretty much qualify as the perfect description of what was seen through these eyes nearly 20 years ago, when I was a 7-year old American kid staying up late on Saturday night and finding nothing else to watch on television.

 

[hardyarse]

Thanks

Thank you all for your kind words. Just havin a little fun and it's nice to know you (mostly) enjoyed it.

I'm off to Dublin now for the weekend and taking in the second test on Sunday. It promises to be a massive occasion, with 60,000 tickets sold as of yesterday. The stadium capacity is 79,500, so it seems it'll be close to full come Sunday. The atmosphere will be unbelievable!.

One potential damper on the occasion - the forecast is for heavy rain and strong winds. This may have a two-fold effect - (1) dissuade some ticket-holders from attending (2) make it too easy for Ireland, whose players are well used to water-polo-like conditions.

Now, where's me Aussie phrasebook/cultural guide, in case I run into any antipodeans on Sunday. Oh - here it is ... (see yiz next week) ...

Hime nawoy - Home and Away (a TV drama and the major achievement of Southern hemisphere culture)
Fostahs - engine cleaner
Aahtbeck - the countryside
Bush - the countryside also (no giggling at the back there)
Toie me kangaroo dahn, sport - I’m too old for chasing sheep
Vegemite – Marmite (a unique point of cultural convergence)
G’day – a homosexual person with a stammer
Sydneyhaabah - Location of Sydneyhaabahbridge and Sydneyoprahaahse (proof that aliens also sent their convicts to Australia and that the Aussies don’t understand that when you have a world class harbour you should use it to house chemical plants, high-voltage pylon stretches and toxic waste incinerators, as we do)
Sheila – a female of the human species
Girlfriend – a female of any species
Alice Springs - what you fit your sheila with, to simulate sexual response
Koonawarragooliewumba – general purpose place name
Baahbie – haute cuisine
Wacca - what to do if your sheila walks between you and the telly
Once a jolly jumbuck piddled in me tuckerbag - appears to be the Australian national anthem
Brace yerself, Sheila - foreplay (yes, the old ones are the best)

Any reciprocal Aussie salvoes of intercultural incomprehension are welcome.

C'mon Ireland.

 

[The Biff]

Hardyarse touching a nerve?

Not many replies to Hardyarse's latest cultural observations.

Getting a little too close to reality, is he? Getting you boys rattled before Sunday?

COME ON IRELAND

 

[Da Bomberman]

....Stupid irish.

 

[Smokeyr67]

hardyarse


When you finally decide to come down to our little Island,

remember this phrase...

"Touch your toes and brrrace yourself!"


Its getting tough getting through Customs these days!


Smokey

p.s. love your work

 

[Damp Squarie]

Classic topshelf stuff hardyarse.

This is nearly irish...

No; no land doth rank above thee
Or for loveliness or worth
So shall i from this day forth
Ever sing and beat thee

CARN Aussees!

 

[skilts]

Originally posted by Haggis McHaggis
bwAhahahAHahA that's pure class that.. top effort mate.. now we've just gotta wait & see who's gonna take up the batton and likewise disect the Irish game.

We'll have to wait 'til the Irish invent the video cassette decoder.

 

[mic59]

When you started talking about the small animal, it reminded me of a polo-like game that I saw on "The Man Who Would Be King". This game was actually played in ancient Pakistan and consisted of an indeterminate number of players all madly chasing a ball fashioned from the head of a dead enemy.

 

[hotpie]

My impression of Rugby League........


You throw the ball backwards to move the ball forwards. To start, you put the ball on the ground and paddle it with your feet. You can do this five times - any more and you run out of fingers to count on.

Finally when you get where you are going you fall over. If you fall over past the line you tried. If you fall over before the line you didn't try. If you tried a kid comes out with a plastic bucket.

They call it football. Thats because about twenty or thirty times a game one person kicks it. He tries to kick it either as high as he can or as short as he can. They never actually kick it to anybody and nobody ever kicks it back to them.

 

[GOALden Hawk]

Did anyone hear how the Irish gave both teams walkie-talkies on the same frequencies for the coaches, meaning they could each hear the other's instructions!

Only in Ireland!

 

[The Old Dark Navy's]

A very entertaining read indeed. However .....

Originally posted by The Phat Side
I know you wont believe this Handyarse

I think that should read hardy.

 

[colin]

Originally posted by GOALden Hawk
Did anyone hear how the Irish gave both teams walkie-talkies on the same frequencies for the coaches, meaning they could each hear the other's instructions!

Only in Ireland!

LOL

Even I have to laugh at that one!

 

[T.W.Sherrin]

Reminds me a lot of a comedy sketch I heard a few years ago by Col Elliott. It's called "Hey you bloody mug" and is a "wog's" impression of his first football game. Very funny stuff indeed. I managed to download part of it the other day - would love to hear it again if ayone out there has access to it.

Cheers
TW

 

[jod23]

Only just stumbled across this but my god its a classic!!! Well done hardyarse.

 

[gPhonque]

Originally posted by T.W.Sherrin
Reminds me a lot of a comedy sketch I heard a few years ago by Col Elliott. It's called "Hey you bloody mug" and is a "wog's" impression of his first football game. Very funny stuff indeed. I managed to download part of it the other day - would love to hear it again if ayone out there has access to it.

I think I've actually got that on vinyl somewhere......

If I find it, I'll record it and mp3 it for you. Don't hold your breath though as it could be anywhere! But I'm pretty sure i've got it.

 

[purplehills]

Re: Thanks

Originally posted by hardyarse


Fostahs - engine cleaner

Spot on the mark

Vegemite – Marmite (a unique point of cultural convergence)

World of difference ???

Sydneyhaabah - Location of Sydneyhaabahbridge and Sydneyoprahaahse (proof that aliens also sent their convicts to Australia and that the Aussies don’t understand that when you have a world class harbour you should use it to house chemical plants, high-voltage pylon stretches and toxic waste incinerators, as we do)
[the telly
[

Classic

Any reciprocal Aussie salvoes of intercultural incomprehension are welcome.

C'mon Ireland.

"Whale oil beef hooked" an old Irish curse

 

[T.W.Sherrin]

Originally posted by gPhonque


I think I've actually got that on vinyl somewhere......

If I find it, I'll record it and mp3 it for you. Don't hold your breath though as it could be anywhere! But I'm pretty sure i've got it.

Mate, that would be sensational if you have it. If you do, please e-mail me at twsherrin@hotmail.com.

Cheers
TW

 

[hawkfan5]

These girls with pom-poms you relate to actually don't exist in Australian Rules, you must be thinking about Gridiron in America.

Lol, nah seriously that was a very funny read, well done.

 

[Horsebox]

Bump.

 

[roostersgal4eva]

What a classic trying hard not to wake the clan up with laughter

Can't wait till October may we have more of this brilliance & banter till then

 

[MadMac]

Ahahahahahahaha, this is the funniest shit I've read in a long while

 

[gPhonque]

Haha, I'd forgotten about this... classic!

 

[paddyjoeireland]

Brilliant hardy...

 

[Rojik of the Arctic]

Just for fun, in the time-honoured tradition of maximising hostility, promoting cosntructive xenophobia and polarising the two sets of supporters as much as possible in advance of the next IR test

First impressions of Aussie Rules

FAO fellow Irish fans here - I decided to see if I could figure out how that Australian Rules game works. So I went down to Xtravision and got out a video of some big game – I think it was called ”The Grand Final”. I found the whole thing fascinating. This is how it goes, as far as I can make out.

The referee walks onto the field carrying, not a ball, but a small shaven animal - presumably something like a kookabunga wobblebat or a duck-filled flatpussy or some such miniature Australian marsupial yokey – whatever. Since I really don’t have any idea what it is, I’ll call it the “thing”. In any case, as soon becomes apparent, this fecker has a mind of its own.

The referee carries it into the middle of the field, followed by about thirty awkward-looking blokes in coloured sleeveless vests, indecently short shorts, knee-length socks of the type generally seen as part of a school uniform and football boots. These people stand around and watch while the ref. tries to kill the animal thing by raising it over his head and then hurling it to the ground as hard as he can. This never seems to work, however and only succeeds in aggravating the thing so that it buck-leps up into the air and sets off bounding unpredictably about the pitch. Immediately, the whole sleeveless company gives chase, followed in turn by the referee, blowing furiously on his whistle. I couldn’t work out what the whistling was about. I suppose it’s either “leave it alone” or “give it back to me when you catch it”.

This goes on for a while, with the stampeding mob of remarkably uncoordinated individuals, who resemble escapees from Wrestlemania, raining kicks and punches and landing blows, frequently on each other and very occasionally on the frightened thing.

Usually, the rampaging hooligans eventually succeed in capturing the thing. This is most often achieved when one of them accidentally falls on top of it as a result of being felled by a blow to the head from one of the other pursuers. When this happens, the rest of the chasing pack throw themselves on top of the unconscious captor in a huge heap and amuse themselves by punching and gouging each other, thus incidentally ensuring that the thing remains imprisoned under the heaving brawl until the referee catches up and whistles the commotion to a stop.

The referee then retrieves the thing from under the pileup and immediately tries again to kill it in the same way as before and with the same result.

While this hullabaloo takes place on the field, a huge assemblage of people, many with alarming dental misalignments, screams encouragement and abuse in equal measure from the stands, although whether they are on the side of the hapless creature, its hunters or the referee is unclear.

Somewhere else on the edge of the field, a gaggle of women in short skirts spends the whole time lepping up and down and shaking a lot of huge mops that have no handles. (I can only assume that the handles are confiscated at the turnstiles and I think I can understand why). I couldn’t figure out whether this was part of the game or not but I eventually came to the conclusion that these are the cleaning staff and they’re anxiously beseeching the rioters on the field to stop for just a minute, so that they can come in and mop up the blood. Either that, or the women are peeved because they had the same field booked for their mop-shaking competition.

Back on the field, the rampage continues. Occasionally, the referee tires of his attempts to do away with the thing and, on retrieving it, hands it to a member of the pursuit gang, so that he, in turn, can have a go at slaughtering the unfortunate creature. This initiates a bizarre ceremony in which the chosen assassin, while walking backwards, fondles the thing for a time, as if to calm it down. At the same time, one of his henchmen in the vest-clad mob stands with his arms above his head in what appears to be some form of supplication to the gods of a weird cult. After a while, the would-be ritual killer ends his backwards walk and, still grasping the thing, arms fully extended, sets out to cover the same ground in the forward direction. Starting at a trot and gradually gaining speed and momentum, suddenly he does massive violence to the unfortunate thing by dealing it an almighty kick, which sends it soaring out of the field altogether and into the midst of the howling mob in the stands.

When this happens, a small clown in a white suit and a white trilby hat performs a short dance ceremony, which involves skipping to and fro along a line near the edge of the field and performing an elaborate series of gesticulations. What seems to be going on here is that the clown’s job is to signal “yes, that’s it well and truly dead now and that’s the fella that did it” as he points at the kicker with his two arms. He would seem to have come to a reasonable conclusion, given the proceedings thus far. However, the suggestion seems to enrage the crowd, because they respond by roaring even louder than before, presumably because they now have the animal thing and have discerned that it’s not dead at all. So they toss it back onto the field, either to prove that it’s still alive or in an attempt to disable the clown - I’m not sure which. In any case, the thing is now sufficiently subdued for the referee to be able to seize it without difficulty, whereupon he takes it back to the centre of the field and once again slams it to the ground. Again, he manages only to terrify or infuriate it (it’s impossible to determine which) and off it goes again, darting and hopping this way and that, chased again by the charging, thrashing mob, pursued by the whistling referee, roared on by the raving crowd. And so on.

This carry-on carries on, so to speak, for an hour or so, on and off, interrupted by occasional cessations of violence, when all participants apparently simultaneously decide to give up trying to butcher the thing and concede that it has won. So they all troop off the field together, taking the thing with them. But, a few minutes later, they seem to change their minds and they all come back again, the referee carrying the thing as before. However, I strongly suspect that what they have done is taken the original thing into the toilets and drowned it and that this is a substitute, fresh one that they must think they have a better chance of murdering. (I bet they have hundreds of them in captivity). One way or the other, the frenzied spectators are either fooled or don’t care, because they start baying again, the thing is brought to the centre of the field and maltreated as before and the chase and commotion resume. And so it goes, until a big hooter sounds and all combatants cease hostlities and congratulate each other, the referee puts the bedraggled creature under his arm, the women put away their mops, they all head for the changing rooms, the crowd heads for the beerhouses, some foolish characters appear on the TV and start discussing the spectacle we’ve seen and I switch off, perplexed but hugely entertained.

tl;dr

But I'm glad you wasted your time with whatever it was you said.