Off-topic Bay 13 Survivor: Cockburn (2016). We have a winner! (links in OP)

[Morganashlee]

Please send a smoke signal to let us know that you are ok royals1922

 

[JoseMourinho]

Challenge #2 Entry

Dear Diary,

We were dismissed from Tribal Council with the dastardly old man shipped off to NYC Island. I don’t think he’ll survive long there. I remember the rescue from the first survivor and watching Dinsdale being torn in half by bombers2003. We barely managed to get Duritz on board.

Grant Denyer gave us another challenge to name our tribes. I tried to think of a tribe name that was not terrible. We were sent to the suburb of Success.

Our tribe had all the necessary expertise to easily crush the other tribe, TootToot was the village idiot, Red Mist was the Scavanger, iBeng handled the entertainment with his photoshops, Morgs was the Slave Driver, Stronzo was the muscle, Duritz handled the gambling, Kangaroo handled Kim Jung Un and I handled the mind games.

We decided on **** Off Jose! as our tribe name..... well I thought we did because any time I asked, that is what I got told.

Spoiler

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

While Stronzo, Duritz and I were putting the roof onto our makeshift shelter, we saw a large cloud of smoke coming from the east. I peered into my binoculars and looked over towards Atwell.

What i saw was truly a bunch of ordinary individuals!

hazard had lit the campfire and then threw the match away. However, it was blocked by the first structure, their shelter just like a typical Hazard cross!

I veered to my left and saw Chappyuk looking like he wanted to kill himself as he listened to boydshow. boydshow was demanding Chappy to give an infraction to hazard for lighting a fire during a total fire ban.

It isn't the first time that Hazard has set fire to his own team, I know from personal experience with Eden.

I heard a girly scream from the left. Benwah83 rushed to the ablaze shelter with a bucket of water. The fire roared at Benwah and he dropped the bucket of water and avoided the fire's contest! It was like Jack Watts had possessed him!

Allikat had written "S.O.S" in fire, it seems like she wanted to turncoat to our tribe. Cooksen saw it and held a pair of chopsticks to Allikat 's throat. "The good ol' Dustin Martin", I thought, "Looks like this is the end of #cookiekat".

Tensions seem to rise even further as Haduken had finally had enough of A Cut Above 's shit and their verbal argument turned into a full blow fist fight! Haduken finished A Cut Above off with a powerful punch into the stomach and walked away from the camp.

Unfortunately, I couldn't record it but I've put a lame reenactment below.

DapperJong stood there ominously as he watched his tribe burn into nothingness. It seemed like this was normal to him. A tribe surrounded by tension inside and out.

That is when I had the perfect name for their tribe, Tribe #Tension.

Spoiler

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

You will give me immunity, Fyfo and Tupac! You will give me immunity!!

 

[Duritz]

Challenge #2 entry

After tribal council, we were hirded off to separate areas. Tribe "Malthouse" arrived after midnight. The tide was out so their beach stretched out like one of Tania's legs and smelled just as bad. Mudflats, no sand, and a reek of decaying fish.

"We're in a very good place," chirped Haduken hopefully. "A very good place."

"I think the parents of the contestants can be very confident that their children are in good hands." Said dapperjong.

"This shithole is worse than Whitten oval." Said boydshow.

"Right!" Said Chappy, "my dear old mum always said to me, 'Chappy you little wretched campaigner, you'll never amount to anything! You've got a bung leg, you're a midget, you're uglier than a baboons bum and you're very poorly endowed, but if you're ever stuck in a jungle, the first thing you should do is build a shelter!' So, that's what we're going to do!"

Fervently he began building a shelter. Allikat was paying no attention. She was away under a tree fist pumping. "Second round!" She kept saying, elatedly.

The others began "helping" to build a shelter. Within minutes they had a marvellous collection of sticks and leaves lying in a pile.

"Wtf do we do now?" Asked cooksen. "If only Morgs were here to advise me."

"You build shelter!" screamed dapperjong. "It will be best shelter in world ever!"

"We are in a very good place." muttered haduken.

"A very good place!" screamed dapperjong.

Rain began pouring down on them. Thunder and lightning cracked above.

"A very good place." the Essendon supporters chanted as one, sitting on the ground holding hands.

"We are in a ****ing shithole!" yelled ibeng, struggling to be heard over the storm. "This is worse than the ****ing facilities at the Gabba for ****s sake! And that's saying something - poor ****ing leuey contracted golden staph at the Gabba!"

Chappy continued fumbling around with the sticks. Soon enough, he had spread them out across the ground. He lay down and attempted to slide under some. Having no success, he pulled some sticks over his head.

"Guys!" He called out, "I'm in the shelter, see? Come and join me, it's lovely in here!"

"We are in a very good place." chanted the Hirdites.

"You're ****ing mad Chappy," yelled cooksen.

"Second round!" Squealed allikat.

"A very good place, a very good place." went the chant, as the rain thrashed them.

A cut above, benwah and hazard, quiet up until now, approached Chappy.

"Chappy," said hazard, "this is a shit shelter mate. It's not a shelter at all, in fact. You're in denial. Royals would've made a better shelter."

Chappy twitched. Within him, rage from many years of torment bubbled like lava.

"In fact," continued A cut above, "we wish royals were here instead of you."

"No..." Muttered Chappy, but no one heard him in the storm.

"Yeah," chimed in benwah, "royals is way better looking than you too, and he's old!"

Chappy sprung to his feet in rage, the lava exploding out inside him.

"I'll kill you Mummy!" He screamed, running at the three of them. They were taken by surprise and immediately he was on top of them, raining blows with his little stumpy fists on their faces.

"I do not wet my bed!" He yelled. "And that man is not my daddy! Neither is the other one who was also in there last night!"

"We are in a very good place," continued the chant.

"Second round!" Came another squeal.

Eventually, boydogs broke up the fight.

"For **** sake!" He said. "This place is bad enough without us falling apart! We need to take full responsibility for our plight here, and work together!"

"Yes," said Chappy, "we must take full responsibility."

"Take full responsibility." muttered the Hirdites.

"Yes. We must take full responsibility." Said cooksen.

"Take full responsibility." Said the three battered contestants together.

"Second round!" squealed Allikat.

"I propose," called Chappy, "that we be named Tribe Take Full Responsibility!"

"Yes!" said the others. "Tribe Take Full Responsibility!"

"Now all we need is a motto." Chappy added.

Slowly, the members turned to look at the Hirdites. As one, the entire tribe called out, "We are in a very good place!"

 

[Morganashlee]

Challenge #2 entry

So much for being devout followers of The Church of Latter Day Royals not one of those campaigners seem to care that their wise old leader hasn't been seen or heard from in over 9 hours. I have handed out a few missing posters and have alerted authorities as well as The Royal United Hospital. Judging by the amount of time he has been MIA, the fresh wounds coupled with those still unhealed from his previous Survivor outing are going to need skin grafts poor royals

Whilst on the topic of burns, Starburns_ has divided Cockburn in a way not seen since Mark Harvey was given the arse for Ross Lyon ... so whilst I'm happy to be away from Boymod, I'm now stuck listening to Jose's shithouse power rankings and TootToot's mind numbing "comedy" routine (still better than K4E's jokes). iBeng won't talk to me while Duritz and Misty (or as I like to call them, drunk and disorderly) haven't put a coherent sentence together between them. Thank **** for Stronzo.

The only thing worse than being here, would be being with the others at the Epididymis of Cockburn. With the unexplained thread disappearance of the once royal one, DapperJong has assumed the position of Supreme Leader (as opposed to Bosk who has just assumed the position). Any mention of the once royal one has been outlawed, with the punishment for breaking such laws being forced to read all of Boydog's posts relating to mod suggestions/feedback. After 10 minutes of that, you'd be wishing to be purged by firing squad

To entertain the Dear Leader, flogs over at the testes duct seem to have formed an all male band with modern day romeo Cooksen as the lead ... maybe threesomes on each continent aren't out of the question after all

Benwah83 was on sax, Chappyuk on guitar, Haduken liked the heavier shit so took the bass, hazard sang back up while A Cut Above was left banging away at the rear on drums. Despite having the most experience with instruments, Allikat was propped up awkwardly beside the Supreme Leader, ready to deliver him breaking news from home when required. I hid in Cockburn's unkempt bush, watching this farce continue for what seemed to be longer than a Heritier Lumumba Copeland Trophy speech.

Band practice continued and with the threat of reciting Boydog's posts looming at the forefront of their minds, improvement came quicker than Tommy Porkins to a buffet. But where the heck was Boydogs?

I felt for Allikat who was fidgeting uncomfortably, almost as if she was in pain. I wanted to help her, but couldn't risk the wrath of DapperJong this early on.

The band played on, and by nightfall had perfected a tune, much to the liking of the Dear Leader. Despite having lyrics as simple and repetitive as a Tazhawk post, it was quite the catchy number.

Applause rang out across the scrotum and Jong stood in appreciation giving me a clear view of Alli. My jaw dropped and what little teeth I had scattered across the ground. Boydogs must have learnt the hard way not to mess with the leader. What was once a semblance of a man had been crushed into an almost unrecognisable form. That is of course if it weren't for the red sash tied around his centre, emblazoned with the Coke logo. Holy ****ing shit, he had been transformed into a coke bottle and partially inserted somehow into Alli's keyte

Suddenly it hit me ... the song, the bottle, Alli's inability to sit. Dapper Jong the sick **** had turned back time and recreated his favourite Australian 90's moment. There was no other logical answer, these hapless flogs must be ... Johnny Diesel and the Injectors



Unlucky Boydogs

Don't you know it's a cryin' shame
When you've got yourself to blame

 

[Morganashlee]

Sorry Allikat

 

[Duritz]

*** and for those wondering, yes ibeng is not in that tribe. It's a setup for later. "If you want the candlestick to be the murder weapon in act 3, it has to be visible in act 1." That kind of thing.

 

[DapperJong]

Hey hey hey don't bring me into your weird forum feuds.

 

[Morganashlee]

Hey hey hey don't bring me into your weird forum feuds.

I made you the leader, be grateful you weren't the bloody coke bottle

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

"Challenge #2 entry."
Dear Diary,

Everyone were left stunned, not by the fact that Royals was gone and that Morg’s first challenge entry gave her immunity, it was the fact that ****ing Jose wasn’t voted off the island, how the hell he wasn’t voted off l’ll never know.

Royal’s departed the island on his best mate tugger, which he sails all around the world to fight cancer.
royals1922 returned to Russia and refused to talk to the press.


We broke off into our two teams after the destruction of the league of extraordinary flogs, the Cockburn alliance and the evil Morgs Galactic empire by overlord Starburns.

I soon joined my new teammates, many of whom that possess odd sexual dreams and thoughts about their parents for some reason.

There was Dinsdale, looking distraught at a faraway A Cut Above, their love for one another separated by an electrified fence. I’ll come back for you Dinsdale said to his fellow goo lover. I know, replied Bosk.

Wait, that's not right, o, here we go:


There was Duritz and ibeng running around collecting plenty of pills and other objects from our team camp, but like Lewis Taylor, doing nothing with their objects and always running sideways and back.

There was Jose and Stronzo, dreaming about that night together they had in Cockburn, peering at Allikat from the bushes together, woops, l’ve said too much, sorry Jose.

There was Red Mist, was cutting holes in the only white bed sheet on the island, which scarred Lindsay Thomas, who went flying and dove into umpire’s stevic’s arms, making Bosk very jelly.

As for toottoot, he was looking for new ways to channel his hatred of being on the same team as Jose. He settled for putting Durtiz in a schoolgirl outfit, which Duritz agreed to in his inebriated state, and Toots started throwing bottle caps at him.

Finally that left Morgs, smoking out the back of the camp in a rebellious manner, similar to Jack Watts wearing male clothing.

All of a sudden, a force ghost appeared to me, it was, it can’t be, it was Reep.

He said, “listen here, lots of love for Norf. Here’s your opportunity to win this competition, look at the opposition team, they’re weak”.

So l looked over to the opposition team.

There was bosk, still pinning for Dinsdale.

There was Allikat, trying to deny her natural urges for Cooksen, who was still hoping for another infamous threesome with Allikat and Bosk. NTTAWWT.

There was Benwah83, checking his Ashley Maddison and plotting his next great BF like scheme.

There was boydshow, trying to create a wooden knife to become a mod and stab Chappyuk, who was looking at a German handbag catalogue for some reason.

There was our lord and master DapperJong, looking through his binoculars at Red mist , believing Red Mist’s bushy hair, believing that Red Mist was key to DapperJong ruling the world through memes. Morgs saw this and responded:

That left Haduken holding a candlelight vigil for EFC and Eden hazard wondering what he should do in life after Jose is given the arse.

The force ghost of Reep suggested that the opposition team motto should be, “The Flogs have awakened”. I agreed, out of the lots of love for Norf.

After Cookson’s endeavours with Bosk and Allikat, l remarked to myself, l shall name the opposition team, Team: Two Blokes, One Allikat and no premiership cup.

 

[Allikat]

Haha wtf Morganashlee

 

[Plugger35]

I hope Morgs and Boydogs don't get voted out anytime soon, I want to see how they will try to humiliate each other even further.

 

[Yidaki]

Did you monsters eat royals? Where the bloody hell is he?

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Did you monsters eat royals? Where the bloody hell is he?

Plotting the demise of Morgs.

 

[Plugger35]

Did you monsters eat royals? Where the bloody hell is he?

Bombers hasn't had any fresh meat on NYC island for a while so he's probably otherwise occupied.

 

[Starburns_]

Haha wtf Morganashlee

Weirdest thing I've read here since Duritz's tales of NYC Island.

 

[JoseMourinho]

Weirdest thing I've read here since Duritz's tales of NYC Island.

Jose's Interim Power Rankings agree. Expect Morg's Power Rank to plummet.

 

[DapperJong]

Charrenge #2 Entry.

 

[A Cut Above]

Challenge #2 entry






Day 14. A Land Divided


My early apprehension at the prospect of co-habitation with these strangers could not have been more ill-founded. Our small colony has already blossomed and the fruits of our labors will be sweet indeed.

Before I can tell of the good I must talk of the bad; Our intrepid & resourceful leader royals1922 was taken by a shark while attempting to fertilize a sting ray. As the waters churned red we heard him yell "crikey!" and his body was gone. I remain hopeful he lives, but later that day overheard Morganashlee remark "the old man got what he deserved" and saw several others agreeing with her.

That unfortunate comment triggered a chain reaction which culminated in a full-blown split in the group. Six nights ago, in a rare sober state Duritz cursed after our evening meal that he'd "had enough of being told what to do" and promptly announced he was leaving to build a new camp on the far side of the island. He claimed "there's tons of fruit we can ferment into grog over there and not a bloody swamp in sight" and Morganashlee unhesitatingly agreed with him. After a lengthy argument seven of the other survivors joined his cause and they all marched out of our camp, never to return.

I am pleased to say the sad events of that evening have not dampened our spirits or slowed the growth of our colony. We've named our outpost Camp Endeavor after Captain Cook's famous vessel, and have jokingly referred to ourselves as the Cockburn Convicts.

Chappyuk has been named head our chief engineer, and I must say his construction of our camp's second jacuzzi has been even more impressive than the first, though I still rankle at my proposal for an astronomical observatory being delayed until after the chemistry lab is built.
His sense of humor has been a constant delight to us, just yesterday he proposed to construct a fully-functional steam engine out of bamboo! We all laughed, knowing he hasn't even won approval for the railway signal system yet.

Benwah83 is heading up our science department and has already brewed countless potions and salves from the local flora which our chief medic hazard has made use of. Naturally Cooksen is our chef, and boydshow we've named vice-president of the accounting department. We consume most resources as fast as we harvest them so there's precious little counting to be done, but if we drop a box of toothpicks on the floor in his tent that's enough to keep him absorbed for most of the day.

Haduken & DapperJong are our two hunters and have have nicknamed themselves "the dynamic trio". Though undeniably skilled & ferocious (Haduken insists on bringing down game with his bare hands or a stern look) I confess to being worried for them - in what we assumed was a jest Allikat volunteered to be our 'voodoo witch doctor' but to our surprise is actually quite serious about it as the indescribable smells that emerge from his tent attest. Last week he gave us an ominous warning of "great events" happening in the week of the 11th, and pointed his chicken-bone totem (where the hell did he get that chicken from?) at Haduken & DapperJong with a pained look in his eyes. Oddly enough that very same day he claimed I would experience "great thankfulness & jubilation" in the near future. Strange man.

As for myself, I've been elected chief cartographer and record-keeper. Map making is one of my most important duties, which brings me to a disturbing event that even now makes my hands shake to write about. I will set it down as best I can, but know that mere words can never fully describe the horror of that night....




Day 15. Into the jaws of hell


There are uncharted depths to a man's soul into which he is never meant to stare. Some rocks are best not turned over, lest we discover truths that are too frightful to acknowledge.

I have always considered myself a God-fearing man, but on that blackest of nights it was the shrill cackle of Lucifer that echoed in my ears and threatened to drive me mad. I am getting ahead of myself though and must tell the tale in its' proper order.

It began innocently enough. Although Benwah83 is our chief scientist, Chappyuk's word is law where Anthropology is concerned, since a lifetime of living among Geelong residents led him to become a leading expert on cultural decay in primitive societies.
Two days ago he began planning an expedition to the far side of the island to visit our neighbors, the nine former members of our group. "I am worried for their safety" he said "and since our colony is thriving perhaps we can offer them a gift as a token of our friendship". I agreed, and since one of my tasks was to circumnavigate the island I accepted his invitation to join him.

We began the trek late morning, but by the time we found a way across the narrow mountain range which effectively marks a border between the two territories it was almost nightfall. Finding their camp was easy, and in good spirits we strode up to it expecting to be welcomed warmly.



It is only after long moments of staring at this page in silence that I can bring myself to continue. What I saw in that camp resembled scenes from the infamous documentary Cannibal Holocaust, imagery from Bosch's Garden of Earthy Delights, or simply a hellish vision of The Pit itself.

There were carcasses everywhere, of what kind of animal I do not know. Many had been partially gnawed, some slashed and torn in random, nonsensical fashion. Blood was everywhere. The ground was covered in primitive markings that even Chappyuk could not identify, but it was obvious to both of us they had been scrawled in human feces.

We came across a dilapidated tent, ripped and burned with only shreds flapping noisily in the wind. Inside we saw Red mist who had dressed himself as a kind of heathen priest. He was attended by Dinsdale and iBeng, both of whom were chanting foul obscenities in a guttural language. Clearly a sacrifice was in progress, and we hurried off in case they decided we'd make a nice offering for the uncouth pagan Gods they prayed to.

I regret to say things only became worse as we ventured deeper into the camp. We heard noises on ahead and came upon a large pit overflowing with dead fish, flies and other indescribable things.
That was not the worst of it. In the center of that maggot-ridden hole was a wild, filthy creature who reminded us of Morganashlee. She was being taken from behind by JoseMourinho and the sound of their frenzied coupling was loathsome. Kangaroos4eva appeared from a nearby hut -stark naked- and immediately entered the pit, taking the wild thing by the hair and pleasuring 'her' from the other end. We were still more disgusted when Stronzo approached from the opposite direction and with a yelp of delight began stroking his manhood over all three of them.

One final scene of repugnance greeted us in that God-forsaken abode. Steeling our nerves we ventured bravely down the last remaining path of the camp. An ominous feeling of evil close at hand overwhelmed us and soon the path opened up into a small clearing.

There, perched upon a crude throne of skulls, straw and mud sat the depraved King Of All Perversions in all his disgusting glory, Duritz. He was crowned with barnacles, wielded a rusty tyre iron scepter, and wore the sly grin of a sex offender. Seated near his foot was a bald, hairy monkey the like of which I'd never seen before, but whenever Duritz spoke the money would cackle TootToot! shortly after. Despite all our efforts communication with the mad king proved impossible, as the only phrase he would ever utter was "the horror.... the horror".

We left him & his camp behind as fast as our legs would carry us, but one other noteworthy event occurred as we were leaving. We found Stronzo sprawled out on the path in front of us with a blissful look of satisfaction after discharging himself on the creature in the pit. To our surprise he recognized us and asked if we could spare a cigarette or a key forward. After conversing for a short time Chappyuk asked if the inhabitants of the camp had chosen a name for themselves, to which he replied with a smirk "we are The Maggot Folk and we are the dreamers of dreams."

 

[Allikat]

I confess to being worried for them - in what we assumed was a jest Allikat volunteered to be our 'voodoo witch doctor' but to our surprise is actually quite serious about it as the indescribable smells that emerge from his tent attest. Last week he gave us an ominous warning of "great events" happening in the week of the 11th, and pointed his chicken-bone totem (where the hell did he get that chicken from?) at Haduken & DapperJong with a pained look in his eyes. Oddly enough that very same day he claimed I would experience "great thankfulness & jubilation" in the near future. Strange man.

wtf dude?

are you a bombres elias?

 

[Duritz]

This whole thing is getting incredibly weird.

 

[DapperJong]

wtf dude?

Anyone can identify as anything these days. Just embrace it. Maybe Nat Fyfe will take interest in you now?

NTTAWWT

 

[JoseMourinho]

Your judgement in this case is acceptable.

Jose's Predcitions
Tribe #Tension
Immunities - Benwah and DapperJong
Tribe Welch out, Divvy Blues
Immunities - Very close. (Duritz, myself and definitely not Morgs)

 

[Morganashlee]

You heartless pricks should feel ashamed.

I hope you feel bad for what you have done ...



Vale Royals

 

[Duritz]

Wtf, really?

 

[DapperJong]

The Internet is serious business ok.