Off-topic Bay 13 Survivor: Cockburn (2016). We have a winner! (links in OP)

[Dinsdale]

any places left? I have some new sandwiches prepared.

 

[JoseMourinho]

Was it I who broke you in?

Yes I still have the PM.

 

[SurveySays!]

This competition is like a dog's breakfast! And not the good type I feed my show cockaspoodle consisting of eggs Benedict, salmon and roasted field mushrooms - but the type Sooz would feed your bitza after kidnapping it!

But I must say the show has taken an interesting twist with the inclusion of Bay legend Duritz! Can't wait to see what he contributes!

Well, we surveyed 100 people and asked them how they think Duritz will react after not winning this comp for a third time, and the survey says the top 5 answers are!:

1: Get drunk and try to deny being a ranga whilst embedding Paul Kelly music clips like Plugger35 on steroids!
2: Piss his money away on the ponies followed by a savage beating from duritzs_creditor!
3: Post fat hand selfies from a some country backwater town
4: Start a melty thread about how [insert mod name here] cost him the competition!
5: All of the above!

 

[Starburns_]

This competition is like a dog's breakfast! And not the good type I feed my show cockaspoodle consisting of eggs Benedict, salmon and roasted field mushrooms - but the type Sooz would feed your bitza after kidnapping it!

But I must say the show has taken an interesting twist with the inclusion of Bay legend Duritz! Can't wait to see what he contributes!

Well, we surveyed 100 people and asked them how they think Duritz will react after not winning this comp for a third time, and the survey says the top 5 answers are!:

1: Get drunk and try to deny being a ranga whilst embedding Paul Kelly music clips like Plugger35 on steroids!
2: Piss his money away on the ponies followed by a savage beating from duritzs_creditor!
3: Post fat hand selfies from a some country backwater town
4: Start a melty thread about how [insert mod name here] cost him the competition!
5: All of the above!

F*** off back to your own show Denyer.

 

[Probsty]

Worst bunch of Survivors ever!

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Really looking forward to my first season of survivor, looking forward to the challenges.

 

[DapperJong]

I'm just looking forward to the friendships and bonding.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

I'm just looking forward to the friendships and bonding.

 

[A Cut Above]

I'm just looking forward to the friendships and bonding.

We're going to have a wonderful time.

 

[DapperJong]

We're going to have a wonderful time.

You guys always get my facial expressions right.

Haha facial

 

[SurvivorJoe_]

Hey guys! It's Joe Anglim here, your favourite modern day survivor!

Probsty gave me the word that you guys are running an adapted version of survivor on this forum. I'm excited to see what will unfold during the course of the series.

If you want any tips for contests, just hola me by PM!

Until then, may the best contestant win!

Love to you all,
Joe xx

 

[Probsty]

Hey guys! It's Joe Anglim here, your favourite modern day survivor!

Probsty gave me the word that you guys are running an adapted version of survivor on this forum. I'm excited to see what will unfold during the course of the series.

If you want any tips for contests, just hola me by PM!

Until then, may the best contestant win!

Love to you all,
Joe xx

Hey Joe,

This bunch is going to need all the help they can get.

Expect a lot of PMs from Yidaki

 

[Yidaki]

Hey Joe,

This bunch is going to need all the help they can get.

Expect a lot of PMs from Yidaki

Don't tag me minnow.

..oh Probs! Sorry mate! How you doing?

11/10 on Second Chance mate. Well done.

I'll be PMing Joe...NTTAWWT.

 

[royals1922]

It's getting a little medieval and we still haven't hopped on the garbage ship to the Island.

Get some sleep folks . With bushy and bombres as your possible island mates, you need all the sleep you can get.

 

[JoseMourinho]

Crap, there is a little hairy man standing outside my house. Looks like I'm getting kidnapped tonight.

 

[Starburns_]

Finally we arrive at the beginning, 17 naive contestants and one #sobrave former winner, arrive at Tullamarine, ready to outwit, outplay, and outflog each other to be Bay 13 Survivor 2016:

A Cut Above
Allikat
Benwah83
boydshow
Chappyuk
Cooksen
DapperJong
Dinsdale
Duritz
Haduken
hazard
iBeng
JoseMourinho
Kangaroos4eva
Morganashlee
Red mist
royals1922
Stronzo

Before you go anywhere though, BigJoeD_ has a consent form for you to sign.....


....good. Now that you've done that, please sit still whilst he injects you with the substance you just agreed to take.


Challenge #1 - Where the bloody hell am I?

You awake to the smell of stagnant water and discover that you are lying on the edge of a swamp, with your view beyond your immediate vicinity blocked by thick jungle and barren hills. You also notice that you have been joined by a red-faced man of about 60 years old (dressed like a 20 year old), don't be alarmed, that's just TootToot! We found him stowing away aboard the plane, he thought we were flying to the location of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."

Suddenly a cold wind blows and you feel it the hairs on your back stand on end. Don't worry, those were always there, you just never noticed them before.

This dump is about as inviting as the Fremantle forward line, so it should come as no surprise that no one has bothered to settle here or even name the area. Since this will be your home for the next days/weeks/months, you should probably at least make an effort to have it feel that way.


Task

Your task is to name this place. This will be done in the form of a diary entry, it can be as long or as short as you want it to be (examples from last time can be found here). Feel free to cover anything you want in this entry, from the state of your surroundings, to the habits of your fellow castaways, etc. The more humourous and imaginative your entry is, the better, just make sure to include the name.

The Rules
To enter the challenge, you must start with the words: “Challenge #1 entry.”

Once you have posted your entry, it cannot be modified. Mods can see edit histories.

If you break this rule or post incorrectly, you will be disqualified from the round.

This round will close at 8pm Thursday AEDT, if you dont enter, you cannot get #impunity.

The Prize

The best 4 entries will be awarded #impunity. Those persons cannot be voted out for round 1.


Good luck, Floggos.

 

[Morganashlee]

Game on floggos and dickhead

 

[hazard]

Challenge Entry #1

I feel like I'm home at last. Girt by chip wrappers, Suburu's soiled nappies, and the latest issue of Good Bloke Weekly. Resting upon a simple floor made of wooden spoons and goo. The gentle fragrance of methane cradling my nostrils in the same way a good bloke would cradle a superstar's head against a post.

I've heard the rumours. They sling wild accusations like "a third Pollution Abatement Notice is currently in place that requires the site to address elevated landfill gas readings on the surface of the landfill" but COME ON, 48% of us can't be wrong. Even though the EPA says it "knows the odour being experienced by residents is not acceptable and we are working hard to address the issues", I reckon it'll go away when Duritz is voted out after round 1. Besides, we got the place for a bargain; you don't need a $900 suit to live in this paradise.

We've already started building our shelter. Chappyuk refuses to sleep in it, he reckons he's gotten used to sleeping outside since the monumentally embarrassing $3.3 million loss. I got tasked with writing the sign on the front since red mist says I'm not allowed to use scissors. I thought about all the good blokes out there who never get congratulated for how they go about it, and came up with a name to recognise those heros:

Hodgey's Dingley Dump For Captains Who Can't Drive Sober Good.

 

[ChappyUK]

Challenge #1 entry.

I came to and found myself on a boat with about a dozen other 'Mods'. I use that term very loosely as I couldn't recognise any of this group. Maybe they are podcasters.

There was one very old campaigner who introduced himself as royals1922. Boy this guy must have been a mod since the beginning. He'll be lucky if he can get out of the boat let alone survive a few weeks in the jungle.

This other bloke calling himself Yidaki whispered in my ear that he had smuggled about 5 avocados in up his arse and that if I'd be his friend he'd share them with me. Avocado already taste like arse so it couldn't harm the taste.

As I looked further around the boat there was a couple of boring looking idiots making accounting jokes, the guy from the IT crowd, a bloke with a wok on his head doing an asian impersonation and a cougar pashing a kid in the corner that I really hoped wasn't her son.

I thought to myself 'This doesn't seem right' 'No one on this boat looks like mod material. They just look like garden variety flogs'

A sinking feeling came over me abd the blood drained from my face.

Where the **** was I?

Just then the boat pulled up to what looked like a deserted island. 'This can't be right' I thought. My agent told me we would be staying in the Queensland rainforest.

The producer ushered us off the boat and pointed at an area amongst the palm trees and said. ' That's home guys. See you later'. They then sped off in the boat.

I really started to panic now. I looked at the group of flogs staring at me and then at the boat speeding off into the distance. I can't do this.

I ran into the water and shouted.

'I'M A MOD. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!'

They didn't hear me. I yelled again. No luck.

I looked around to the flogs and a camp looking guy dressed in a mesh t shirt fashioned out of a Hawks jumper says to me. 'Where do you think you are honey? This is Survivor'

'You're ****ing kidding me'

It the dawned on me. Those ****ers Starburns and BigJoeD_ and Teach must have done this as part of my initiation

One of the flogs then started laughing and clapping. He came up to me and said. 'Hey I'm Stronzo I used to be a mod and the pricks did the same thing to me. You're here now just enjoy it'

One of the boring accountants then popped his head in and said. ' Are you guys mods? I'm boydshow can I hang with you guys?'

'NO!!! **** off' we shouted in unison.

Just then Jeff 'Probsty' Probsty appears from behind a palm tree.

'Welcome Survivors' he said. He then looks at me and says 'especially you ChappyUK. They got you good'.

'Cheers campaigner' I thought to myself.

'Your first task is to name this island.' Probsty said.

I looked at the shithole around me and pictured Teach in the Mod lounge back home laughing and saying 'We ****ing got the prick good'

I thought there can be only be one name for this hell hole.

East Geelong Island

 

[Morganashlee]

The Rules
To enter the challenge, you must start with the words: “Challenge #1 entry.”

Challenge Entry #1

Better luck next time

 

[Benwah83]

Challenge #1 entry

My mood was morose.

YouDontKnowJack had texted me immediately before I boarded the plane for the island. Petracca’s busted his toe. 4-6 weeks. My #positivity is waning.

I texted back - This is why we can’t have nice things, Jack. My summer vacation is ruined. #fistedforever. Gotta go. Pray for the toe.

My mood hadn’t lifted when I arrived at the island. Far from this being a summer vacation of Hawaiian shirts, beach volleyball, and hot Amazonian women offering snu-snu, it appeared we had arrived as a fetid hellhole. Then there was the tingling in the tips of my extremities (including my penis) which had come on about 30 minutes after BJD’s mysterious injection. What was in that syringe? I hope he kept a spreadsheet…

I opened my bag, took my 6 Hawaiian shirts, and threw them in the swamp.

“Don’t stand to close to the swamp, Benwah. It’s not safe”, came a voice over my shoulder. I turned around to see a Kevin James / Paul Blart lookalike. boydshow.

“Huh? What are you on about?”

“Don’t make me issue you with an infraction point”.

I considered throwing him in with the shirts, but figured that might result in my immediate disqualification from the competition. I bit my tongue.

“Shirts. SHIRTS! DON’T THROW THEM AWAY! I’LL TAKE THEM!”

A bloated beetroot of a man came barreling through Boydshow and myself and launched himself into the swamp. “OOOH! HAWAIIAN TOO! Kim will love these!”.

Dragging himself out, he looked at me. “Do I know you?”, he asked.

“I paid you for 5 hand shandies 6 months ago, Nixon” I snapped back. “You only ever dealt out 3. Then I couldn’t contact you. You changed your phone number. You conniving piece of shit!”

“Hey, hey, hey! Don’t be like that!” TootToot! responded. His beetroot face went even redder. Crimson. “We’ll have plenty of time together over the next few weeks. I’ll pay up, I will. #TootToot!”.

TootToot galloped off.

I then looked around the rest of the group.

A Cut Above and Haduken were already arguing.

JoseMourinho had taken to following Boydshow around pretending to be a hall monitor, under some illusion that he could pull off being a real-life elias and not be identified.

Red mist was completely high and giggling at tree shaped like a phallus.

Morganashlee had fashioned a crown out of some thorns she found in the undergrowth of the jungle “I am your queen! The sole survivor from last season! YOU ARE MY SERVANTS SO STOP ACTING LIKE DICKHEADS!”

Oh gawd. This trip is going to be torture.

I crouched down and looked again at the swamp. The ripples caused by Nixon’s bloated sack of a body had settled and a calmness had returned. The sunlight struck the water.

“Why am I here?”, I whispered.

A face stared up me from the swamp. I jumped.

“You are here to find yourself, Benwah” whispered Jack Watts “It is too late for me – I am a broken man. But you, YOU must embrace the #positivity. The light shines brightest in the darkness, and trust me, there isn’t much that’s darker than Bay 13 in the off-season, or indeed this island.”

“What’s this island called, Jack?” I asked.

“Benwah, look closely at the trees. Look closely at the ground”

I examined the ground carefully. The rocks. The grains of sand. Hell, even the shrubs all consisted of blurry squares! I walked up to a tree to look at it, but it didn’t get any clearer as I approached it. I run my hand over the bark and found it to be made up of blurry squares too.

I walked back to the swamp and looked at Watts. “It’s called Huawei Island, isn’t it?”

Jack nodded.

“And why am I seeing you in the swamp?”

“Because I’m your spirit guide”.

Jack’s face faded, and was replaced by the face of a middle-aged Croatian man. “SHUT UP D/H!” echoed loudly in my head.

I stood up and steeled myself for the challenge ahead.

Jack Watts – my spirit guide. This day just keeps getting better and better

 

[JoseMourinho]

“It’s called Huawei Island, isn’t it?”

Picture isn't blurry enough 2/10.

 

[bontshow]

Challenge #1 entry

I'm usually pretty careful reading things before signing them. I'm sure I read the signup sheet correctly, but I didn't see anything about an injection or Morganashlee gluing a dildo to my forehead.

Looking around for a solvent I noticed a few pieces of clothing didn't survive the journey. The less said about that the better. Let's just say there were ants in places only 48%ers dare to tread.

The stench from the swamp was overwhelming, so I headed away from the swamp whilst trying to think of something to unglue the dildo. Maybe if I bent over a fire the heat would be enough? It seemed a better option than trying to pull it off.

Duritz as an experienced adventurer was already rubbing sticks together to get one started, so I asked him something about gambling to befriend him and he carried on for the next two hours and put me to sleep.

When I woke up, I was looking at a sign. I think was supposed to say "DANGER: Waste Management Facility", only the D was missing (that's where Morgs got it from!) and so was the Waste (though it didn't smell like it.) Anger Management Facility seemed an appropriate name for a place full of keyboard warriors seeking an escape from their miserable lives.

 

[JoseMourinho]

Challenge #1 entry.

I woke up after a little, hairy man kidnapped me with Tupac. I thought he was dead but turns out that the conspiracy theorists were right after all. Maybe the hairy, little man was Bigfoot or was it Grant Denyer in a Gorilla Suit?

I got up to my feet and quickly discovered that I wasn’t the only one kidnapped by Tupac and Grant Denyer. I woke up next to an Elton John look-a-like with a slight cut above his eye. . He kept insisting that he was not gay and was a part of the 52% of the Hawthorn Football Club.



Looks like A Cut Above is still in the closet!

The Elton John Look-a-like was frothing over the Nat Fyfe half-naked in the bath tub picture from a nearby iPhone. He threatened the poor Fremantle fan that if she didn’t give him the iPhone that he would hit her in the throat. I guess violence against women isn’t unique to Fremantle.

The revolving door of mentally handicapped challengers didn’t end there. There was a mad man screaming “Toot Toot! Chicken Dinner!”, An old man from the last survivor that I had been in, two guys pretending to be really hot girls and… EDEN HAZARD! I swear I had him chained up in a coffin in a shallow grave! I blacked out in a rage!

I came to with a bloodied crowbar in my hand and standing over another shallow grave which was marked with a tombstone labelled “Traitor!”

Unfortunately, Tom Boyd saw the incident and tried to convince a reluctant Tupac to ban me for breaking the rules. Boyd stammered, “But he broke the Rule 7 on page 6 of the Bay 13 Survivor’s Code!? Thou shalt not kill fellow contestants and bury them in a shallow grave”. Tupac told him to “**** off and branded him with a FOTY badge”.

The remaining survivors were eagerly trying to convince each other that they were extraordinary individuals in their respective field. There was a crazy lady claiming she was the sole survivor, a crazy piece of bread claiming he was the Bay 13 Poster of the Year and saw Jack Watts in a lake, a crazy ranga claiming that he is rich from gambling, a crazy North Korean dictator who supported James Hird and a crazy Adelaide supporter who was actually on the substance.

I realised that James Hird was right about us. We’re all a bunch of ordinary individuals and we should be shocked to be sitting on the Tullamarine Islands! “Where ordinary is made extraordinary!”

 

[royals1922]

Challenge #1 entry

Two weeks ago I was in my retirement village, playing bingo, watching reruns of MASH( I've always hated Frank Burns and watching Klinger in his dresses gets me quite moist, not Nat Fyfe moist but moist all the same NTTAWWT).

Now I'm on this cursed island again.

Did I mention I've forgotten my blue pills. Maybe that nice old man under the tree will help me. He said his name was Bombres 2003 and last year he was ever so helpful with clothes. Gave me this gimp costume and some lipstick, I don't know why.....

Anyway here's a map of the Morgs Island

Notice the Dolphin. Apparently Morgs wouldn't go swimming because she's shit scared of these kindly creatures.

So where the f..k am I. And more to the point who is that fellow in an akubra with a knife, he apparently once was a dead. When he says "call me Lazarus" I begin to worry. When he smiles, he looks as if he wants to cut my heart out.

I wonder what Klinger's wearing tonight, the red dress....

Concentrate man, who are these people.

There I see a young lass named Morgan with a locket. She said it had a picture of her boyfriend. I didn't realise she liked Richmond supporting redheads who appear a little overweight. Not for me to judge. She's not carrying any bags. Another young lass is carrying Morgan's bags.She calls herself Baldrick Alikat. She'll do anything to stay on the Island after the first day.

In the centre of a nearby clearing I can see 2 primeval forms fighting. That must be Haduken and A Cut above. One moment they'll be fighting, next moment.....

An older bloke has pulled out a bottle of cheap red, that's Duritz , must be and next to him a bloke in a mini affro. That must be Misty. Rookie mistake, never piss drink with Duritz. You'll learn the hard way.

"James Brawshaw is a fraud I hear", ah the comforting words of the artist once known as Boydogs while next to him a scholarly type called Kangaroos 4 Eva is waiting to get a word in. Boydogs moves onto something about Ballarat and relocation. Good luck there Kangaroos.

Three wretches are hugging eachother, consoling themselves in that "no homo" brotherly way. That must Cookie, Jose and Stronzo. Having Ross Lyon as your coach does that to you. Jose leaves in a huff. I could hear the words "**** off " being yelled.Threesomes on the island never work out.

That's given me a yearning, where is bombres when I need him. There he is, with an Asian looking man of small height in perfect clothes with some one talking about shoops and gifs. Don't bother trying to impress Dapper Jong, Benwah, he's blown more men out of artillery pieces than you've had hot dinners.

The glistening dome of Chappy can be seen arguing with Dinsdale. 3 in row says Dinsdale, but who did you play, interstate sides. Great we've got a shit fight going.

Into a nearby tent I see Hazard and Beng go in. Sometimes it's love at first sight.

Can you believe I'm stuck on this island with this lot. Maybe a trip to the woods with Lazarus is a good idea.