Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

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The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.
 
hones.jpg
 
Viagra Coffee
> >
> >
> >
> >This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked
out
> >fine.
> >
> >The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't
had
> >sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's
sex
> >drive."
> >
> >The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
> >
> >The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he
has
> >a headache," she claimed.
> >
> >"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra
> >into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee
and
> >serve it. He won't notice a thing."
> >
> >The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
> >
> >Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked
> >her what was wrong. She shook her head.
> >
> >"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
> >
> >"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
> >
> >"Did it not work?"
> >
> >"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and
> >ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the
> >table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
> >
> >"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
> >
> >"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
 

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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two
floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."




Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
A guy that has never had sex before was asked by the girlfriend to come over for dinner and after dinner they were going to have sex.

So, our virgin friend quickly ran to the pharmacy to buy some condoms and take some advice from the pharmarcist who told the virgin everything he knew about sex.

Later on that night at the dinner, the girlfriend's mother asked everyone to pray before they start eating; after everyone started eating Mr V was still praying.

The girlfriend says: "I didn't know you prayed this much!!!"

Mr V Says: "I didn't know that your father was a Pharmarcist!!!"




Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
WRITTEN BELOW ARE ACTUAL SIGNS IN VARIOUS FOREIGN COUNTRIES WRITTEN FOR ENGLISH SPEAKING TRAVELERS
=====================================



Co*ktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.


Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.


Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.


Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.


In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.


On an Athi River highway:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.


On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.


In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.


One of the Mathare buildings:

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.


A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.


In a Pumwani maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.


In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.


Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.


Hotel notice, Tokyo:

IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.


In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.


Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM


Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.


Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.


Hotel elevator, Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.


Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID


Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.


Taken from a menu, Poland:

SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.


Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.


In an East African newspaper:

A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.


Hotel, Vienna:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.


An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


In the window on a Swedish furrier:

FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.


In a Swiss mountain inn:

SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.


On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT






Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
A new young monk arrived at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He noticed, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk went to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. "So he went down into the dark caves under the monastery where the original manuscript had been held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours went by and nobody saw the old abbot. The young monk got worried and went downstairs to look for him. He saw him banging his head against the wall. His forehead was all bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asked the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replied, "The word is celebrate."



Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
50 Things to Do in a Mall!!

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...'
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.
36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.
42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
 
19 Things To Do In The Toilet:

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say," Interesting.... more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"
newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
 
A nun gets into a taxi. As they are driving along the taxi driver asks if the nun can fulfill an ambition of his.

"What is it? she asks.

I've always wanted to be kissed by a nun."

"I'll do it on two conditions" she says "the first is that you are married, the second is that you are a Catholic."

He tells her he is married, and Catholic.

He stops the cab, they get out and he receives a big slobberry smacker.

He drives off and after a short while he says "Look, I'm very sorry but I told you a lie earlier, I'm actually a Baptist, I'm not Catholic."

"That's OK" comes the reply "I lied to you as well. I'm not actually a nun. I'm on my way to a fancy dress party and my name's Kevin.":)


Paul Mccartney's bought his wife a plane for Christmas.
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And a razor for her other leg.
 
Medieval chastity belt

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless. "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them
drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
 
New Medications

St. M o m's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
____________________________
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
______________________________
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
_________________________________
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
_______________ ______________
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
_______________ _______________
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
_____________________________
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . . . can we get naked now?"
___________________________
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
______________________________
G i n g k o V i a g r a
Not only will you be able to get it up, you'll be able to remember what to do with it.
_____________________________
Extra Strength Buy-One-all.
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
______________________________
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
_____________________________
A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
_______________ _______________
S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
_______________ _______________
R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
 

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I NOT COME TO WORK


Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."






SeinDude
 
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
 
Soda Machine

There was this beautiful young blonde walking up to a pop machine. A man decided to stand back and watch her. Well she put some money in, pushed the button, and a can of soda fell out. Then she put some more money in, pushed the button and another pop came out. She did this over, and over, and over, and over again, until she had a whole pile of soda cans lying all around her. Curious, the man walked up to her and says, "Why do you keep putting more money in, don't you think you have enough pop already?"

The blonde answers back "I can't quit now ... I'm winning!!"
 
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."

And I said, "No sh*t."
 
One for cricket fans!!

Q. Who was the last successful English captain to tour Australia??

A. Captain Cook
 
>Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the
>children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
>came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.
>
>Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked
>him about his father.
>
>"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
>clothes in front of other men."
>
>The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring
>in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about
>your father working in a gay strip club?"
>
>"No," said Johnny, "He really plays test cricket for England but I was
>too embarrassed to say."
 
Top hat

A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party. While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him. He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?" The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."
The policeman says, "Let me have a look." The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."
The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it." The man replies, "OK if you insist." When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t. " What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."
 
The following " joke" is an actual news excerpt from the Cape Town Times

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".

"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job.

When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. :rolleyes:

Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times.

"We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
 
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