Pretty crap stories

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Invigoration said:
I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
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Invigorating.
 
I rode a peak hour bus home tonight and was forced to stand. It was exremely crowded and the driver crammed us together like three families in an Afghan bomb shelter. I was near a couple, and the girl had to squeeze against me. Whenever the bus took a turn, she backed into me and I would cop an "accidental" feel. Her boyfriend kept staring at me, and I knew that look on his face. It was the "hmm, I think that guy is doing it on purpose, but I don't want to risk embarassment by making a scene, etc". So I continued to do it. And the gobshite couldn't do a damn thing. Because even if he did beat me up at the end of the line, it would still be worth it. I had my hand on his gf's ass for half an hour and she just stood there and took it. Tonight when he's sleeping with her, she'll be thinking of me.

This is my story. Please share yours.
 

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Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favourite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called “Death”. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of $50. However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page.

Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in horror.

There, in bold print, was MSRP $6.99
 
This thread is actually far better than it should be.

OK my story.

Well Last night me and four of my mates headed down to the local DVD "consumer", ie: pirate. He resides in Moe so it was inevitable it would be an unpleasant experience. He didn't have a huge range but had a couple copies of both Bruno and the Hangover. I was the only one not to see the Hangover and everyyyyyybody was raving about it. Some said it was the best movie they had ever seen :eek:. So I payed the fee of $2 and after a short stop as Maccas I went home and decided to watch it.

While it was a funny movie and I enjoyed it, it was promised to me that it was a far better comedy than recent favourties such as Superbad and Knocked Up. I was disappointed greatly that it didn't rival these comedies and was NOWHERE near the best movie of all time!
 
deledio7 said:
This thread is actually far better than it should be.

OK my story.

Well Last night me and four of my mates headed down to the local DVD "consumer", ie: pirate. He resides in Moe so it was inevitable it would be an unpleasant experience. He didn't have a huge range but had a couple copies of both Bruno and the Hangover. I was the only one not to see the Hangover and everyyyyyybody was raving about it. Some said it was the best movie they had ever seen :eek:. So I payed the fee of $2 and after a short stop as Maccas I went home and decided to watch it.

While it was a funny movie and I enjoyed it, it was promised to me that it was a far better comedy than recent favourties such as Superbad and Knocked Up. I was disappointed greatly that it didn't rival these comedies and was NOWHERE near the best movie of all time!
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There is pirates in Moe?
Jesus ****ing christ, what is this world coming too?!
 
Invigoration said:
I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
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Your last name isn't Batemen by any chance.
 
And_ROOS said:
Last night i went out for some Chinese. Afterward, i received a fortune cookie, opened it and got the following message.

"You will find a thing. It may be important."

Still trying to find this thing.
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Good luck with your search, I know you can do it.
 
I bought something today from a store that cost exactly 50 pence ( A Daily Mail newspaper.)

When I went up to the counter the bloke was counting and bagging all his 50p pieces.

I rummaged in my wallet for another 50p piece and put it down on the counter.

'Here's another one for your collection' I said.

He didn't smile or make a quip or anything, he just said 'Thanks' and put the 50p in the cash register.

For some reason, I was hoping that he would put it in the pile of 50ps he was counting and bagging.

Then I got on the train and fell immediately asleep, which was great, because my stop is the last of line and I didn't wake up until the 2nd last stop. I had pins and needles in my left leg, that wasn't good.
 
Once when I was in the kitchen I was holding a plastic cup. I went to pass it to my brother and dropped it. It bounced a few times on the bench, to the exact same tune as the drum intro to "Smooth" by Rob Thomas.
 
I may have told this story before, but who cares, it's a good one.

I was at a payphone at Spencer St station about 7pm one Friday night trying to call someone to tell them I would be late for an appointment that night. My phone call got through to the answering machine, and I had no more coins to try the mobile number. This was kind of an important appointment so I was in a bit of a fix, when out of nowhere a one-armed, denim jacket, bandana-wearing hobo came up to me (he had obviously been watching my misfortune unfold) and asked if I needed any help. I said, "can you help me out 50c for a phone call?" He said, "oh I've only got a 5-dollar note, hang one let me go get change for it." So he gets change from the nearby Hudsons coffee stall, and hands me 50c.

I thank him profusely, then turn to make my phone call. This time I get through successfully. When I hang up, I turn around to thank him again, only to find that he's vanished. As I make my way out towards Spencer St, there he is again, at the exit, waiting for me!!! I thank him heaps etc etc, then he asks where I'm off to, I say St Kilda. To keep the small talk going I ask him the question and he says he's off to Nth Melbourne where he lives in a rooming house.

Along the way, he offers me weed and I offer to buy him a beer if I ever see him round again. He tells me he lost his arm when he fell asleep on the train tracks and got run over. The medics thought he was a goner, he lost that much blood, but he managed to pull through.

I ended up walking all the way from Spencer St to Swanston St with him. After we part ways I think to myself, "did that really just happen??? A hobo bailed me out with 50c then offered me free weed!!"

I keep an eye out for him but have never seen him since. So if anyone out there ever sees a dirty, skinny bloke wearing a denim jacket, a bandana, and has a missing arm, buy him a beer for me!
 

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Once for a group information/pre selection session for a job I was applying for, there was about 20 of us and for our final task and the speaker said "Ok I'm going split you into two groups, and each give you a packet of spaghetti and marshmellows and the team who can build the highest structure wins a prize" and one person cheekily says "the spaghetti is uncooked right?" and everyone started laughing. I had no idea why everyone was laughing at that point but later in the night I finally realised that if the spaghetti was cooked, it would be extremely hard to build anything.
 
Invigoration said:
Here is one that happened to me the other day that was pretty weird.

Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and she's pretty hot. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started.

Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she's in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she's finished.

"Oh, hey, what are you eating?"
"Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday."
"Just salmon? That's pretty weird." Why the hell did I say this?
"Oh, well, I don't know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods...you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff."
"Yeah, I like food too." *facepalm*

Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away. She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, you're account name is [my name] and your password is ...'depewissexy'..."

Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says,

"In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself."

I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks.

She was eating Salmon.

She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey.

She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself.

Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.

Immediately, the bear saw that I had seen through its charade. It roared loudly and took a menacing swipe at me. I deftly avoided its claw and sprinted out of the office.
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Hahahahahahaha I loved this :thumbsu:
 
I just drove past an accident. There was a car upside down in a ditch and a heap of other cars pulled to the side of the road around it. A large crowd had gathered around the crashed vehicle, with some watching and others trying to help. I noticed a work colleague in the crowd. He waved as I drove past slowly. I found it strange that he waved despite the chaos around him. It seemed like an inappropriate time for a greeting. I then went to the servo and got a frozen coke slushie.
 
I found some of these stories to be quite good but most fit within the parameters of the thread title.
I think that says something about the quality of the posters on this forum.
 
I have a friend who is deathly afraid of remote controlled cars for some reason. Apparently he squeals whenever one ges near him. It's a psychological thing I guess. And he's also a very PC lefty who is always pissing and moaning about racism.

I was in Richard (no need for profanity) Smiths 3 years ago and found a remote controlled car model of the car from Dukes of Hazzard. So not only could I scare him with this remote controlled ca, but do so with a car woth a giant confederate flag on the top of it. It was the perfect storm.

But it was $39.95 and I decided to get some vitamins, soy milk and a new towel (as my other was becoming a bit stringy...not overly so...just enough to warrant a new one) instead.
 

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Pretty crap stories

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