Pretty crap stories

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Funkyzeit mit Matt said:
I have a friend who is deathly afraid of remote controlled cars for some reason. Apparently he squeals whenever one ges near him. It's a psychological thing I guess. And he's also a very PC lefty who is always pissing and moaning about racism.

I was in Richard (no need for profanity) Smiths 3 years ago and found a remote controlled car model of the car from Dukes of Hazzard. So not only could I scare him with this remote controlled ca, but do so with a car woth a giant confederate flag on the top of it. It was the perfect storm.

But it was $39.95 and I decided to get some vitamins, soy milk and a new towel (as my other was becoming a bit stringy...not overly so...just enough to warrant a new one) instead.
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Estrogen?!

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
 
I’m one of those occasional smokers that get the need every so often or when I’m drunk.

Anyway this one lunch break I’m wondering around the Bourke street mall. I thought to myself jeez id like a cigarette. However I knew I’d only want one so didn’t want to fork out the 12 bucks for a pack of smokes and then 2 bucks for a lighter… yeah very tight of me but meh.

Then bang right out of nowhere this homeless guy comes up to me and flips over a pack of cigarettes and asks me if I like one… I was in total shock that this guy must have read my mind... it was this big wtf moment I just stared at him and then finally muttered no thankyou… I just couldn’t understand how this happened? It just seemed fraught with danger that I decided not to accept… I think about this incident quite often.

That’s my story :thumbsu:
 

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Last night i couldn't get to sleep untill 5am and the sun was already coming up.

I was on my computer in my room and a huge dragon fly comes in, and tried to get out through the wall (paper walls). He kept flying around and going in for another run up, and then a big smash when he hits the wall. The rutine starts again, untill one time he actualy makes a hole in the wall, but he doesn't go through.

About two years ago, my brothers mobile number got sold from 3 to optus so he shared a mobile number with someone from Queensland. If you rang the number from a mobile, you got my brothers phone, but if you rang from a landline, you got this chick from Queensland. Took months for the bafoons to fix it up.

In Alice Springs last year and decided on a Subway footlong for lunch. I was in line, and the guy making the roll for me was mute. He shrugs his arms as if to say "what salads" and such. I got a chicken terryaki on this occasion and normally wait for them to say "would you like any sauce" before replying with "yes, sweet onion please" but because this guy didn't ask if i would like sauce he wrapped it up and gave it to the cashier before i could say anything. I then saw him go back and talk to another worker???

I was at the Kennett River caravan park over summer and was reading the Geelong Addy one morning. On page 5, there was an article about a fisherman saved at Apollo Bay after having some boat troubles, a mear 20km's away from Kennett. There was a picture of the man, and he had a sailor hat and an unmistakable big, white beard. I look up, and notice the guy from the caravan opposite us reading a book. He looked uncannily like the guy from the paper.
 
Some removalists were meant to come between 1-2pm today to pick up 2 couches we are giving to charity as we just bought some new ones. Its almost 4pm and they havent shown up yet. Im really not a fan of slack workmen. A new neighbour just moved in to the house to our left. He looks like Billy Connolly which made me chuckle. The house on our right hasnt been occupied for around 10 months since the old lady who used to live there died. The family doesnt want to sell the house so it remains empty.
 
hardcore_hawk said:
I’m one of those occasional smokers that get the need every so often or when I’m drunk.

Anyway this one lunch break I’m wondering around the Bourke street mall. I thought to myself jeez id like a cigarette. However I knew I’d only want one so didn’t want to fork out the 12 bucks for a pack of smokes and then 2 bucks for a lighter… yeah very tight of me but meh.

Then bang right out of nowhere this homeless guy comes up to me and flips over a pack of cigarettes and asks me if I like one… I was in total shock that this guy must have read my mind... it was this big wtf moment I just stared at him and then finally muttered no thankyou… I just couldn’t understand how this happened? It just seemed fraught with danger that I decided not to accept… I think about this incident quite often.

That’s my story :thumbsu:
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wait, wat

Your prayers were answered and you said no?

That's far too interesting for this thread.

What did you think would be wrong with it? Did you think he'd laced it with strychnine in the hope of poisoning some tight-arse?
 
Invigoration said:
Here is one that happened to me the other day that was pretty weird.

Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and she's pretty hot. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started.

Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she's in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she's finished.

"Oh, hey, what are you eating?"
"Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday."
"Just salmon? That's pretty weird." Why the hell did I say this?
"Oh, well, I don't know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods...you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff."
"Yeah, I like food too." *facepalm*

Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away. She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, you're account name is [my name] and your password is ...'depewissexy'..."

Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says,

"In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself."

I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks.

She was eating Salmon.

She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey.

She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself.

Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.

Immediately, the bear saw that I had seen through its charade. It roared loudly and took a menacing swipe at me. I deftly avoided its claw and sprinted out of the office.
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That is seriously the funniest thing i've ever read on Bigfooty. Well played sir.
 
Lance Uppercut said:
wait, wat

Your prayers were answered and you said no?

That's far too interesting for this thread.

What did you think would be wrong with it? Did you think he'd laced it with strychnine in the hope of poisoning some tight-arse?
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I don’t know it all just seemed too convenient a little too convenient if you know what I mean.
 
hardcore_hawk said:
I don’t know it all just seemed too convenient a little too convenient if you know what I mean.
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I'm tipping the homeless guy was actually Jesus, and you turned him down.

Let's hope you never win Tattslotto! You'll find it "a little too convenient" that you bought a ticket and you actually won! :p
 
Lance Uppercut said:
I'm tipping the homeless guy was actually Jesus, and you turned him down.

Let's hope you never win Tattslotto! You'll find it "a little too convenient" that you bought a ticket and you actually won! :p
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I thought the opposite I thought that maybe he was the devil like that scene in the devils advocate how Al Pacino says I'll be seeing you later.

I think if he was not homeless I would have accepted it but it just seemed to me that if this guy can read peoples minds why the hell is he living on the streets?

However in hindsight if I could relive the moment again I would take the cigarette as it perplexed me to this day.
 

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I ruined a book from the uni library by leaving it out in the rain. I bought the exact same book ($60) to give them as a replacement for the ruined book...but they don't accept replacement books. I had to pay the $100 finding fee ($100). Not cool. Plus I broke my calculator yesterday. Not cool.
 
This morning for breakfast I had a meat pie from the BP servo and an ice coffee, for lunch i had a subway roll with meat balls and onions. I took a dump in the afternoon in the dunnies at work and it smelt quite pungent and strong, it was also very loud and vibrated the stall door. I was satisfied with my effort but there was a bloke in a cubicle 3 rows down having a dump at the same time. I didn't hear his poop splash against the water so I think he was a nervous shitter or his ass was drowned out by mine. I heard him wipe his ass before I did but I managed to wipe mine and pull my pants up before him and exited my stall first. I washed up and dried but he didn't leave his stall, I am convinced he was waiting for me to leave.

I came to a conclusion that I am far more of a man that the mysterious person in the dunnies is or ever will be due to the above facts.
 
Invigoration said:
I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
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Invigoration said:
Here is one that happened to me the other day that was pretty weird.

Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and she's pretty hot. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started.
.
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your 27 years old and still at school?
 
Abba Lonie said:
Once when I was in the kitchen I was holding a plastic cup. I went to pass it to my brother and dropped it. It bounced a few times on the bench, to the exact same tune as the drum intro to "Smooth" by Rob Thomas.
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Bwahaha! I haven't laughed that hard about something so random for some time. Classic!

The only thing that would've topped it off is if a random guy that happened to look like Carlos Santana glided into your kitchen at that exact moment and started busting out one of his guitar solos.

How on earth did you associate the sound of the cup bouncing with that of the drumming in Rob Thomas' "Smooth"? Was it just like the ocean under the moon...?
 
today some punk asked me to buy him smokes, i started 2 walk 2 safeway but he sayd, buy them from cignall, he gave me the money, i walked in, asked for his winny blue 25s and paid, she asked me for my id i showed her and that was it, i walked out and gave the kid his change but he sayd to keep it, it was 80 cents
 
dUkezz said:
today some punk asked me to buy him smokes, i started 2 walk 2 safeway but he sayd, buy them from cignall, he gave me the money, i walked in, asked for his winny blue 25s and paid, she asked me for my id i showed her and that was it, i walked out and gave the kid his change but he sayd to keep it, it was 80 cents
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Score!
 
dUkezz said:
today some punk asked me to buy him smokes, i started 2 walk 2 safeway but he sayd, buy them from cignall, he gave me the money, i walked in, asked for his winny blue 25s and paid, she asked me for my id i showed her and that was it, i walked out and gave the kid his change but he sayd to keep it, it was 80 cents
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if you banked that 80 cents, and cryogenically froze yourself for 1000 years, that would be worth somewhere around 4 billion dollars :thumbsu: /futurama
 

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Pretty crap stories

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