Media The Falcon Files: on the Sweet FA hustings

[Falconista]

By Staff Writers

As Australia tires of the 2022 Federal Election, the political division of the Files decided to go travelling. But wait- aren’t your headquarters in the hard-bordered Kingdom of McGowan Western Australia? Why yes we are strange voice in our heads, but you know what, borders are now down meaning we can now travel nationwide. So with this now cleared up, join The Falcon Files on our travels.



FAST FACT: In Western Australia, both Bunnings and #democracysausage comes in a bun, not slice of bread.


Now, you may not be aware is there is a shadow election campaign going on in Sweet with campaigning in full swing [well, more than normal]. This thread will track some of the candidates on the hustings in their quest to be elected into the Sweet FA qarliament. Any real life political thoughts- take them to the Politics thread, any Sweet FA political thoughts- bring them here. Hit watch thread above to see what the candidates have been up to.

 

[Falconista]

BLUEALLTHRU : One [Baghdad] Nation



Launching their campaign at a beer festival (where else?), the One Baghdad Party launched to much rowdiness. The party known for its strong opinions and, at times, poorly disciplined candidates, has been in the news a lot recently. In the lead up to the launch, some of the candidates had been disciplined leading to campaign suspensions. Unfortunately, subsequent to the launch the party has had two candidates were disqualified and their presence will be surely missed.

A notable moment of the event was the appearance on stage of former member for Mount Buller, Callums_Guns who announced his candidacy for the party to a rowdy response. The rowdiness didn’t end there though, with a representative of the Electoral Commission (absolutely not in any way sent by Headless) advising that Mr Guns hadn’t fully renounced their Mt Buller citizenship and thus was thus ineligible to be a candidate as a dual citizen. However, the moment of the night was when a young NineFairfax journalist was ushered out by security after asking for a Great Northern at the bar and rightly so.

The party’s motto “it’s all about engagement” is one of the truest things you’ll see in politics. Always engaging, never boring, this party is one to watch.

It certainly was quite the event, we think.. the beers were flowing so the memory is hazy.


Pictured: Kilroy again proving their future leadership credentials.

 

[Falconista]

okeydoke7 and damicky channelling and reprising ‘Billy the rat’

Early campaign events were not going too well for two of the superstars (in their own words) of the campaign. These turncoats were out in Gippsland to support local cheese producers. Both candidates have been channelling their career on their hero Billy Hughes- a man who represented SIX Australian political parties.

At the event, rather than handing how-to-vote cards or party pamphlets to their constituents, Okey made the unconventional method of handing out his CV. Unfortunately for Okey, the CV was full of glowing references to former teams- some redacted, some awkwardly scrubbed out with a biro and some unintentionally left in while the cover page left much to be desired. Also, controversially, Okey claimed he once scored 15 goals in the wet against the Gumbies, appeared on ESPN and was called ‘my guy’ by then Vice President Joe Biden. We haven’t seen this kind of CV padding and lies since Barry Urban faked medals and degrees to enter WA Parliament.



Page one of the seven-page okeydoke7 campaign CV

While for the leagues newest punching bag Damicky, he was particularly keen to get to know every detail of his constituents. Unfortunately though for him, the press were more interested in asking gotcha questions. Damicky easily handled questions about what his favourite cheese was but was stumped when asked to name how many Sweet FA teams he has played for.

“The number at the moment is, I think, it’s 5…4.....5.4 …nup, I’m not sure what it is”

Also noticeable during the press conference were figures from the candidates past hovering behind reminding the electorate that this candidate has a troubled history and carries much political baggage with them. It’s not wrong to say this candidate has their work cut out shaking off their past to be elected.


Uh-oh, Glen Coco

 

[TJASTA]

Take this shit t' SRP ye untalented hack.

 

[GWS Goose]

This is some good stuff from the EKA in waiting

 

[Falconista]

A flight with PMBangers

After a strong showing at the last election, Leader of the Nerd Club PMBangers was riding high on hubris (and caffeine) and decided to invite the press onto their campaign plane. The flight from Brisbane to Adelaide is a flight that can test anyone’s patience but can also be an opportunity for lively conversation. Unfortunately, this being Nerd Club, the first 45 minutes of the flight was devoted to a fierce argument as to the best starting word in Wordle.

Just as the stewards were bringing around the refreshments trolley for a second time, Bangers dashed behind a curtain to another part of the plane causing much commotion. They emerged shortly thereafter in a freshly pressed shirt and new set of glasses while also appearing was a photographer who explained it was campaign photo time.

What look would the leader of Nerd Club choose? Alas, sadly, it was the old Presidential-style stare out a plane window shot, parodied in The West Wing, and last used by Tony Abbott. The results, well they were underwhelming with Bangers looking more morose and aloof rather than statesmanlike and a person of authority. Judge for yourself below.


Who did it better?

 

[Falconista]

IN BRIEF: TJASTA and the Pirate Party.

Near the shipyards, a strange sound was emanating. A small group was gathered around to hear about the Pirate Party and why the other parties can be described as arrrrrrrr-trocious. As usual with Tjasta, the graphics were high quality [see below].



The Falcon Files considered approaching Tjasta for comment but knew the response will be barely comprehensible fake-pirate nonsense and decided to move on.

IN BRIEF: Bonz and the Australian Sex Party.

Unsurprisingly campaigning for the Australian Sex Party we find star of the Dragons, Bonz. With their amazing Photoshop abilities that can quickly create an image to destroy most candidates, Bonz is shoe-in to be re-elected (that’s e-lected). This is one of the only candidates where no sex scandal would be a disadvantage.


Like Bill Shorten, Bonz enjoys eating their #democracysausage ....unusually

 

[Supersuns]

This is pure garbage.

 

[TJASTA]

HAR HAR HAR SQUIFFY PIRATE NATTER BE SQUIFFY LAUGHIN' 'TIL I SPEW GROG

 

[ImissFrosty]

another brilliant thread DenieD

 

[DenieD]

another brilliant thread DenieD

We all know I don't make brilliant threads. This one is all falcons.

 

[TheInjuryFactory]

BLUEALLTHRU : One [Baghdad] Nation

View attachment 1401254

Launching their campaign at a beer festival (where else?), the One Baghdad Party launched to much rowdiness. The party known for its strong opinions and, at times, poorly disciplined candidates, has been in the news a lot recently. In the lead up to the launch, some of the candidates had been disciplined leading to campaign suspensions. Unfortunately, subsequent to the launch the party has had two candidates were disqualified and their presence will be surely missed.

A notable moment of the event was the appearance on stage of former member for Mount Buller, Callums_Guns who announced his candidacy for the party to a rowdy response. The rowdiness didn’t end there though, with a representative of the Electoral Commission (absolutely not in any way sent by Headless) advising that Mr Guns hadn’t fully renounced their Mt Buller citizenship and thus was thus ineligible to be a candidate as a dual citizen. However, the moment of the night was when a young NineFairfax journalist was ushered out by security after asking for a Great Northern at the bar and rightly so.

The party’s motto “it’s all about engagement” is one of the truest things you’ll see in politics. Always engaging, never boring, this party is one to watch.

It certainly was quite the event, we think.. the beers were flowing so the memory is hazy.

View attachment 1401255
Pictured: Kilroy again proving their future leadership credentials.

Congratulations on your EKA sir.

 

[GWS Goose]

another brilliant thread DenieD

You gave credit to Barrybran on one thread and DenieD on another.
Where is my undue credit!

 

[ImissFrosty]

You gave credit to Barrybran on one thread and DenieD on another.
Where is my undue credit!

brilliant stuff Riviat!!!!!!

 

[TheInjuryFactory]

You gave credit to Barrybran on one thread and DenieD on another.
Where is my undue credit!

Surely the way is paved for you to own this one in perpetuity now.

 

[GWS Goose]

Surely the way is paved for you to own this one in perpetuity now.

Better branding anyway

I've noticed your 3 things I've learnt thread is losing traction. Perhaps should try leveraging my popularity and attach a Goose graphic tto give it a boost.

 

[ImissFrosty]

Congratulations on your EKA sir.

lol

 

[TheInjuryFactory]

Better branding anyway

I've noticed your 3 things I've learnt thread is losing traction. Perhaps should try leveraging my popularity and attach a Goose graphic tto give it a boost.

**** if I'd read this two minutes ago I might have. My greatest concern about it is I'm running out of rounds.

Plus I already have a goose in the graphic.

 

[Senor M]

IN BRIEF: TJASTA and the Pirate Party.

Near the shipyards, a strange sound was emanating. A small group was gathered around to hear about the Pirate Party and why the other parties can be described as arrrrrrrr-trocious. As usual with Tjasta, the graphics were high quality [see below].

View attachment 1401859

The Falcon Files considered approaching Tjasta for comment but knew the response will be barely comprehensible fake-pirate nonsense and decided to move on.

IN BRIEF: Bonz and the Australian Sex Party.

Unsurprisingly campaigning for the Australian Sex Party we find star of the Dragons, Bonz. With their amazing Photoshop abilities that can quickly create an image to destroy most candidates, Bonz is shoe-in to be re-elected (that’s e-lected). This is one of the only candidates where no sex scandal would be a disadvantage.

View attachment 1401863
Like Bill Shorten, Bonz enjoys eating their #democracysausage ....unusually

Any Reason that you’re using the parties old name?

 

[TJASTA]

Any Reason that you’re using the parties old name?

The Pirate Party also no longer exists. Clearly, he has taken wha' wee creative letter o' marque the Gumbies LG had given 'im way too far. If ye be goin' t' make shitty politics threads in the SFA, at least make 'em accurate in our current political cycle.

 

[Riviat]

brilliant stuff Riviat!!!!!!

It took me agessss to do so this recognition is definitely warranted

 

[Riviat]

The Pirate Party also no longer exists. Clearly, he has taken wha' wee creative letter o' marque the Gumbies LG had given 'im way too far. If ye be goin' t' make shitty politics threads in the SFA, at least make 'em accurate in our current political cycle.

*SweetFA

Headless would be proud of me

 

[Falconista]

Any Reason that you’re using the parties old name?

It works for the 'satire' of the story. Neither party exists in the form depicted anymore.

The Pirate Party also no longer exists. Clearly, he has taken wha' wee creative letter o' marque the Gumbies LG had given 'im way too far. If ye be goin' t' make shitty politics threads in the SFA, at least make 'em accurate in our current political cycle.

Pardon me, I thought this was a fantasy competition.

 

[TJASTA]

It works for the 'satire' of the story. Neither party exists in the form depicted anymore.

Pardon me, I thought this was a fantasy competition.

Ye (yer ghostwrirer) are the one makin' bring real life themes into the league (or association). I will judge 'em accordingly. It pretty clear ye be part o' the sick growin' majority that wants t' make general discussion the main focus o' the discussion. THIS AINT NO GAME, YE WILL GET SHOT UP IN THIS CUR.

 

[Falconista]

philreich and Falconista: much pun to be had

Qarliament’s joker and all round nice guy, philreich, has announced the Pun Party is branching out and running a candidate in Western Australia. Falconista, a relative unknown, was introduced to a relatively quiet reception at the launch parties annual joke off. Soon though, the crowd was whipped into a frenzy with Falconista chanting:

What do we want?
Race car sounds
When do we want them?
Neeeeoooowwwwww


After the 300 strong crowd stopped making racecar noises, philreich was introduced to a rapturous welcome. Grabbing a microphone, philreich led with a joke immediately:

What's the difference between a man riding a bicycle and a well dressed man riding a tricycle?
Attire


The parallels between the two candidates quickly emerged with both being former public servants who used humour as a coping mechanism to get through the tedium of office life. Quickly the audience was enraptured in groans and giggles as the candidates went to work producing champagne fruity lexia passion pop comedy.

What is not in any doubt is the commitment both candidates have to their particular brand of humour. By the end, it was difficult to distinguish between the two humour styles. Falconista though has a long way to go to match the gravitas and likeability of philreich. The night, while certainly having some laughs, wore on and it was clear by the end that the puns and dad jokes really had to stop.


That might have been one pun too many, phil.