DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
Don't like Bananas, anything with apples?
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AFLW 2024 - Round 10 - Chat, game threads, injury lists, team lineups and more.
The Hangar
- Thread starter iDon
- Start date
- Tagged users None
Peel some apples, then coat them in cinnamon sugar, then freeze or chill them for 24-48 hours. Do the same with peeled skin n eat them like chips.
haha nice
> Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital...
>
> "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
> line so we can trace your call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
> mother ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
> which number to press.
>
> If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
> no one will answer.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
> representative comes on the line.
>
> If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
> number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
> name.
>
> If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
> c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
>
> If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or
> before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
> talk to you."
>
>
> "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
> line so we can trace your call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
> mother ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
> which number to press.
>
> If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
> no one will answer.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
> representative comes on the line.
>
> If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
> number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
> name.
>
> If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
> c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
>
> If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or
> before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
> talk to you."
>
DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
Some of the finest double-entendres on British TV & Radio.
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
going to the Footy Show tomorrow night, better be good, hopefully Jimbo is on
Did you enjoy it? i bet you got turned on by brayshaw
DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
Did you enjoy it? i bet you got turned on by brayshaw
it was a good night out, Brayshaw did not turn me on one bit
monty1104
Brownlow Medallist
I reckon it is funny. Lol at the bit where he is watching the commentary box instead of the game.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green"
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said:
"The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green"
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said:
"The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
Subject: The Aussie Way
Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!
Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!
- Banned
- #169
havoc_planet
Team Captain
SOME MORE COMMENTARY BLUNDERS
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
havoc_planet
Team Captain
DID YOU KNOW
On average, 80 people shoot at the Goodyear blimp each year.
*
In 1471, a chicken in Basel, Switzerland, was accused of being 'a devil in disguise' after laying a brightly colored egg. The chicken stood trial, was found guilty and burned at the stake.
*
In 1471, a chicken in Basel, Switzerland, was accused of being 'a devil in disguise' after laying a brightly colored egg. The chicken stood trial, was found guilty and burned at the stake.
*
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
*
In France in 1740, a cow was found guilty of sorcery and hanged.
In France in 1740, a cow was found guilty of sorcery and hanged.
*
In December, 1999 judges in Saudi Arabia sentenced a Filipino man to 6 months in prison and 75 lashes. The offense? Possession of alcohol. He was caught at the airport with two liquor-flavored chocolates in his luggage.
In December, 1999 judges in Saudi Arabia sentenced a Filipino man to 6 months in prison and 75 lashes. The offense? Possession of alcohol. He was caught at the airport with two liquor-flavored chocolates in his luggage.
*
A poodle fell from a balcony in Buenos Aires in October 1988. It killed three people. One was struck on the head, the second run over by a bus while watching, the third witnessed the event and died from a heart attack.
A poodle fell from a balcony in Buenos Aires in October 1988. It killed three people. One was struck on the head, the second run over by a bus while watching, the third witnessed the event and died from a heart attack.
*
In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
*
Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions.
Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions.
*
Expulsions from Scrabble® tournaments are very rare. However, in the United States two players have been expelled for violent play. One thrust a pencil up his opponent's nostril, the other knocked out his female opponent by a blow to the jaw.
Expulsions from Scrabble® tournaments are very rare. However, in the United States two players have been expelled for violent play. One thrust a pencil up his opponent's nostril, the other knocked out his female opponent by a blow to the jaw.
*
Leicester police station once received a phone call from a 5-year old boy who reported that his sister was cheating at Scrabble.
*
At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith, with her mother's blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy's mother, age 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law and his own grandpa.
At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith, with her mother's blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy's mother, age 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law and his own grandpa.
*
No dry piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. Try it.
No dry piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. Try it.
*
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering ****' over a period of 2 hr 12 minutes which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering ****' over a period of 2 hr 12 minutes which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
*
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 minutes, 42 seconds.
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 minutes, 42 seconds.
*
havoc_planet
Team Captain
AND FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT AT BOMBERLAND TODAY
The weird and wonderful world of football Tuesday, 29 May 2007
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - (Shane Wakelin)
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood)
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (Brock Maclean - Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)
"It's basically the same, just darker." (Jonathan Brown) on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care' ". (Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton)
"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." (Barry Hall - Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins - West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body". (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
(Garry Lyon) "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" (David Swartz) "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
monty1104
Brownlow Medallist
LOL, ive seen these before, but they are still funni. Dermie is a deuchbag
havoc_planet
Team Captain
I dont know how true they are, cos i think i have seen them relating to other sports
lol
DaSawx
Brownlow Medallist
They're not true, they are just there to take the piss
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