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It's how I maintain my healthy glow. You can't draft a coach, you nitwit. Do the Royals eat stupid pills for breakfast?

There's actually a small tribe in the South Pacific that worships me as a God. I had been aboard a unregistered research vessel involved in early Viagra tests. The initial dose was intensely potent and I ended up erect for 3 months. It was quite handy for finding true North (there was a magnet...

How about you go disconcert yourself where the sun don't shine. I'd be more concerned about the switches in your form recently. Maybe try hitting a target once in awhile.

The Royals hey? Did I ever mention the night I spent with Queen Lizzy back in the day? Of course, she was still just a princess then. I was a naive stable boy. Never even seen a clam that didn't belong to a nag. She found me tired and sweaty, dung shovel in hand, and must have taken a likening...

I still remember when they invented dazzling back in 1907. Before that is was just called showing off. Only nancy boys did it. I despised it then, and I despise it now. If it it were up to me Headless would be called Teamless. Nancy boy.

Gonna have to write this one off the cuff because I have a problem accessing my notes. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Tonight, I write to you tonight from a very unfortunate position. I’m presently stuck between two Where’s The Gold? poker machines at the Brunswick Junction Oval. It was...

Nah get ****ed mate I left them in one of the 14 qooty bags I've stolen from Yakker

Where are my notes?

Chief I grew up in a time when wearing shorts was considered as inappropriate as flipping the bird at a nun. What nonsense is this?

You made me cash out of the Queen of the Nile early. What the **** do you want?

I remember going to the panto when I was a boy.

When are you guys going to sack manangatang ? He’s as mentally decrepit as I am. Where are my glasses? Oh yes, I left them at the lunch venue I just departed from. Never mind, some hooker is probably wearing them now. ‘Coach’ is a funny word, when you think about it. I told manangatang this...

Hand in my drivers license? Because **** you.

Who tagged me in this crap?

Michaelia could really have benefited from some of my voice coaching TIPS

These things don’t get any easier as you get older – let me tell you. Something I used to enjoy – a good poo – just becomes HARD. Anyway; the Coaches award. I usually give this to people who don’t give me the shits as much as others, but this year I tried to find someone who I reckon could fill...

I've been woken up for this shit. Is it a year already? Oh... six months? I don't really follow this stuff much anymore, because I've given Callums_Guns all of my team sheet selection tips and coaching tactics. Anyway, I s’pose you want me to present my Coaches award yeah? Alright. I’ve...

What’s a harry Potter? Reminds me of a man I met in the 1930s who had no arms, but he made a point of making fine vases while completely naked, using his head to shape the clay. I think his name was Alfonse, but we called him Dave.

Will there be bingo?

Are you still here?

Who are you? Where is Eth ?

Don’t you play for my team anymore?

**** I was just trying to send you a picture of the sore on the end of my… Oh hang on where am I?

Bugger off

Hello. If you’re reading this, I’m probably down the local RSL honing my newfound skills. You see, while COVID-19 gets a bad rap, I’ve managed to shake it off and have found myself the beneficiary of some previously unknown benefits. I’m now a walking, talking love machine, and the only thing...

Who are you?

Hello. It’s been another great season of chatting up the Snow Bunnies and getting into a bit of strife down at the local RSL. I don’t think I’ve managed to enjoy this level of success with the birds since I was 19 and basically had a permanent boner for a year and a half. Did we win the flag...

You take that back! I have never fixed anything!