Health Depression

[MP_]

I thought I was doing well with my depression over the last couple of months but this week has made me realise I’ve pushed a lot of my “problems “ deep inside me. I had two dreams two nights in a row that made me realise that I no longer have true friends. I dreamt I was playing golf with all my school friends but they ended up not speaking to me and would just play ahead of me like I wasn’t there. I haven’t seen this group of friends for over 8 years now which is probably when my depression really started. The next night I had a dream where I passed a car and in it was a guy that I became really close with in the town I moved to. In my dream I broke down as I told him everything that has happened in my life over the last five years. Then I woke up and realised I haven’t seen this guy in probably 5 years. I am quite a loner but also miss having a mate that I could open up to.

 

[DemurePrincess]

I smoke copious amounts of weed to function normally! If I didn’t have it… you would see a very very different person and not even I want to see her..

It basically blocks my emotions! I can fix every thing with just one spliff.

Some nights I add wine and send myself to bed so I can’t think anymore at all. Life is tough. I get it!

I try and smile as much as I can, even if it is fake

 

[Madas]

I thought I was doing well with my depression over the last couple of months but this week has made me realise I’ve pushed a lot of my “problems “ deep inside me. I had two dreams two nights in a row that made me realise that I no longer have true friends. I dreamt I was playing golf with all my school friends but they ended up not speaking to me and would just play ahead of me like I wasn’t there. I haven’t seen this group of friends for over 8 years now which is probably when my depression really started. The next night I had a dream where I passed a car and in it was a guy that I became really close with in the town I moved to. In my dream I broke down as I told him everything that has happened in my life over the last five years. Then I woke up and realised I haven’t seen this guy in probably 5 years. I am quite a loner but also miss having a mate that I could open up to.

Just call or text em MP , you’d be surprised at how much they probably need some companionship too . Even if it doesn’t there is no harm in trying but I reckon there is a greater chance that they will appreciate the call
Most of us are in the same boat

 

[Madas]

I smoke copious amounts of weed to function normally! If I didn’t have it… you would see a very very different person and not even I want to see her..

It basically blocks my emotions! I can fix every thing with just one spliff.

Some nights I add wine and send myself to bed so I can’t think anymore at all. Life is tough. I get it!

I try and smile as much as I can, even if it is fake

One of the best things I ever did was move away from weed and drugs in general.
Couldn’t handle the anxiety and paranoia.

At the peak of mine and my friends drug taking I went overseas for a couple of years and just travelled

Then when I got back and they were doing the same thing it seemed very boring so I moved to a quiet regional town , connecting with nature and am still here 30 years later

 

[DemurePrincess]

One of the best things I ever did was move away from weed and drugs in general.
Couldn’t handle the anxiety and paranoia.

At the peak of mine and my friends drug taking I went overseas for a couple of years and just travelled

Then when I got back and they were doing the same thing it seemed very boring so I moved to a quiet regional town , connecting with nature and am still here 30 years later

Yeah I know. I definitely over indulge. It was actually prescribed for my migraines but I use it more so as a coping mechanism these days. It’s nothing to be proud of but I’m a very high functioning stoner. I’m up every day at 5.30am, I’m a single mum who runs her own business so it’s not like I sit around all day like a dead beat.

I really want to stop tbh but the fear of the anxiety and dealing with the couple days of yuckiness all seems way to hard. (I only get the anxiety when I don’t have it) so I make sure that never happens. But right now, while I’ve got other shit going on in RL it keeps the emotions in check - actually it blocks them. Which is probs not ideal bc Ive bottled for years. I honestly don’t know what it feels like NOT to be stoned bc it become part of my daily routine.

 

[beez]

This is a podcast about addiction. It's 2.5 hours but worth people's time

It may help some people think differently about addiction, mental health and anxiety.

Of particular interest to me was the "see-saw" effect of how we experience pleasure and pain, why we come down, and how we can reset how we feel, both in the short and long term. Easier said than done of course.

 

[DemurePrincess]

This is a podcast about addiction. It's 2.5 hours but worth people's time

It may help some people think differently about addiction, mental health and anxiety.

Of particular interest to me was the "see-saw" effect of how we experience pleasure and pain, why we come down, and how we can reset how we feel, both in the short and long term. Easier said than done of course.

Thank you. I’m only half way through it but it’s a really good listen. I initially was like, I don’t want to watch that bc I don’t want it ruining my weekend bc it will get the brain ticking but maybe its time to have it tick in the right direction for a change.

I don’t deal well with change what so ever and I guess that’s why I avoid and just cruise along my mundane little Life but I think maybe it’s time I aimed a little higher and not just be content with what I have (not that what I have isn’t satisfactory but I just feel like I should be getting a bit more from what life brings)

I work too much. My first problem!
I think I need to start rewarding myself more for doing a good job in life lol

 

[MP_]

Just call or text em MP , you’d be surprised at how much they probably need some companionship too . Even if it doesn’t there is no harm in trying but I reckon there is a greater chance that they will appreciate the call
Most of us are in the same boat

I reached out to my best man and he didn’t want to chat at the time I reached out, I tried again and nothing. I think I just need to accept that this is how my life is and be happy with what I have. I know I really need to open up and unload on someone all my feelings but I can’t with a stranger and I can’t with my wife.

 

[MWPP]

Thank you for your offers MP_ and DemurePrincess - they mean a lot

And thank you for sharing that podcast beez . I have a personality type that is prone to addiction so I have avoided most of the common vices (alcohol, smoking/vapes, other drugs, gambling) largely out of fear of becoming addicted. I intended to listen to it to understand others better but the opening couple of lines about workaholism and the opportunity costs did resonate. I’ll listen to it during my work commutes this week.

 

[MWPP]

I reached out to my best man and he didn’t want to chat at the time I reached out, I tried again and nothing. I think I just need to accept that this is how my life is and be happy with what I have. I know I really need to open up and unload on someone all my feelings but I can’t with a stranger and I can’t with my wife.

I’m sorry you had that experience
If you face even a fraction of the fear of rejection that I do - it would’ve taken a lot to reach out in the first place too and would be understandable if it put you off reaching out again, sigh.

Is joining a club based on your interest eg book or sporting club, feasible? The outlet alone would be great. The friends /connections that come with it are a bonus.

 

[DemurePrincess]

I reached out to my best man and he didn’t want to chat at the time I reached out, I tried again and nothing. I think I just need to accept that this is how my life is and be happy with what I have. I know I really need to open up and unload on someone all my feelings but I can’t with a stranger and I can’t with my wife.

That’s really sad to hear that about your best man. There is nothing worse that feeling of rejection but try and put a different spin on it…. You have no idea what their situation is so maybe they weren’t in the right head space to chat. And sometimes friendships just run their course and fizzle. I learnt this recently

As for the opening up stuff… not a fan myself either but in a forum like this - I can do. I can off load my feelings without prejudice and pressure bc I can’t see you! You’re not in my immediate space so I can feel comfortable. Plus seeing a shrink I find overwhelming bc the session is timed and I feel panic to off load.

 

[MP_]

I’m sorry you had that experience
If you face even a fraction of the fear of rejection that I do - it would’ve taken a lot to reach out in the first place too and would be understandable if it put you off reaching out again, sigh.

Is joining a club based on your interest eg book or sporting club, feasible? The outlet alone would be great. The friends /connections that come with it are a bonus.

I have lived in this small town for 18 years and am still not seen as a local . I’ve been secretary of the football club for 8 years whilst my kids were involved but haven’t been back for 5 or 6 years now. I’m in a tricky situation where I’ve not been the best human and have made mistakes that I still judge myself on and I now have massive anxiety being in public around our town, which is hard given the role my wife has in the region. I have no idea if people are gossiping about me but the fear of it is soo real so I keep to my home as much as I can.

 

[MP_]

That’s really sad to hear that about your best man. There is nothing worse that feeling of rejection but try and put a different spin on it…. You have no idea what their situation is so maybe they weren’t in the right head space to chat. And sometimes friendships just run their course and fizzle. I learnt this recently

As for the opening up stuff… not a fan myself either but in a forum like this - I can do. I can off load my feelings without prejudice and pressure bc I can’t see you! You’re not in my immediate space so I can feel comfortable. Plus seeing a shrink I find overwhelming bc the session is timed and I feel panic to off load.

Yeah maybe it has run its course. I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with people and I think the reason people give up on me is because I always made excuses not to meet up. But this was at the height of not knowing I had depression and was just not wanting to be near people so they didn’t see me the way I was feeling. In the end they just stopped messaging. These forums are great as it makes me feel like I have friends but it still feels different.

 

[DemurePrincess]

Yeah maybe it has run its course. I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with people and I think the reason people give up on me is because I always made excuses not to meet up. But this was at the height of not knowing I had depression and was just not wanting to be near people so they didn’t see me the way I was feeling. In the end they just stopped messaging. These forums are great as it makes me feel like I have friends but it still feels different.

I understand this completely! I have managed to push all my mates away for a combo of reasons and now I’m trying to re-connect but the damage has already been done. It’s a slow process to rebuild lost relationships. I tend to hang online a fair bit bc my RL friends have moved on without me!

AND I knew watching that pod cast about addiction would bring me undone bc I’ve clearly I’ve been teetering on the edge for sometime so it seems.

I’ve noticed in the past few months that I’ve increased my usage, I even made the doctor up my prescription to 120g a month which I easily smash. I’ve also noticed I’ve starting running out at the end of the month and the anxiety comes before I can even stop it.

That pod cast rang true to so many things… I work too hard, I flog myself bc I have nothing else plus I need to make money so I can afford my $1500 a month addiction. (which I decided to add up and nearly ****ing died-what a waste )

The thing is, it’s not working anymore so I’ve now added wine which gives me the desired affect but what happens when that stops working!

I want to stop this cycle so badly because it’s running my life, my happiness and it holds my mental health by the throat!!

I think I needs to make some big changes hey?

 

[MWPP]

I have lived in this small town for 18 years and am still not seen as a local . I’ve been secretary of the football club for 8 years whilst my kids were involved but haven’t been back for 5 or 6 years now. I’m in a tricky situation where I’ve not been the best human and have made mistakes that I still judge myself on and I now have massive anxiety being in public around our town, which is hard given the role my wife has in the region. I have no idea if people are gossiping about me but the fear of it is soo real so I keep to my home as much as I can.

That sounds so tough

We all make mistakes. That doesn't take away from the anxiety which can truly be crippling but I get the impression that you're your own worst critic. Given your wife's role/profile, she might have a better idea if your fears are in any way founded to the point where the situation is unsalvageable?

Yeah maybe it has run its course. I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch with people and I think the reason people give up on me is because I always made excuses not to meet up. But this was at the height of not knowing I had depression and was just not wanting to be near people so they didn’t see me the way I was feeling. In the end they just stopped messaging. These forums are great as it makes me feel like I have friends but it still feels different.

I hear you on keeping in touch. Despite my huge fear of rejection (and I experience it often) , I find many of my friendships rely on me being the one to keep in touch and arranging catchups more than the other way around. What it means is that when my health gets in the way, the friendship takes a backseat because the other person doesn't put the same effort in (not because they don't care, they all have other commitments/priorities). But to their credit with time they do reach out and find out, even if it's after a few months or in one case, a year. Then it becomes an issue of me deciding whether it's worth opening up or not.

I do strongly relate to last part too. The friends I talk to most frequently are pretty much all people I originally met online.

 

[MWPP]

That’s really sad to hear that about your best man. There is nothing worse that feeling of rejection but try and put a different spin on it…. You have no idea what their situation is so maybe they weren’t in the right head space to chat. And sometimes friendships just run their course and fizzle. I learnt this recently

As for the opening up stuff… not a fan myself either but in a forum like this - I can do. I can off load my feelings without prejudice and pressure bc I can’t see you! You’re not in my immediate space so I can feel comfortable. Plus seeing a shrink I find overwhelming bc the session is timed and I feel panic to off load.

Thanks for your first paragraph. I think I needed to hear that, but didn't realise until I saw it written.

The opening up (in PMs mostly) is what has lead to some amazing, deep friendships. For me the time factor also helps- on the whole, people I have met online have more time for me than many of my real life friends. I used to have the same 'time is ticking' issue but have since reframed the role of my psychologist as being more about strategies/CBT than a sounding board/offloading opportunity, and that has helped. I also go in with an agenda/list of points that I feel the need to offload regardless and try and leave the rest for the next appointment. It doesn't always work but it certainly helps.

 

[MP_]

That sounds so tough

We all make mistakes. That doesn't take away from the anxiety which can truly be crippling but I get the impression that you're your own worst critic. Given your wife's role/profile, she might have a better idea if your fears are in any way founded to the point where the situation is unsalvageable?

too be honest I’m probably overthinking it but it’s still a massive cause of anxiety. I’m not sure my wife would tell me the truth in order to protect my mental health and the trauma involved of the past. She would however say that whatever anyone says is just their opinion and theirs alone and what they say doesn’t define you. Unfortunately I find it hard to believe in myself.

 

[Madas]

I reached out to my best man and he didn’t want to chat at the time I reached out, I tried again and nothing. I think I just need to accept that this is how my life is and be happy with what I have. I know I really need to open up and unload on someone all my feelings but I can’t with a stranger and I can’t with my wife.

Don’t give up mate and just keep enjoying being alive
Be !

 

[MP_]

Don’t give up mate and just keep enjoying being alive
Be !

I’ve tried giving up and failed at that, I’ve no choice but to keep going.

 

[Cuzz09]

I always feel guilty for letting friendships fade away, especially ones from young age when we all got GFs and married and kids and then everyone moves away etc

but then I think it's a 2 way street and the others are just as guilty not reaching out to me.

Then the longer it gets the more CBF you feel and a bit of "well they can ring first, stuff them"

Ah well...

Find something you're passionate about and dive into it

Sent from my SM-S908E using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[DemurePrincess]

 

[DemurePrincess]

You all deal with and push through so much. I don't know why I can't.
I think I'm losing my mind.

I hope things improve for everyone.
I'm going to escape and hope things work better in the next one.

Remember to keep talking mate!
Take a breath!
What are you escaping from anyway?

 

[Madas]

You all deal with and push through so much. I don't know why I can't.
I think I'm losing my mind.

I hope things improve for everyone.
I'm going to escape and hope things work better in the next one.

Day by day mate
One thing at a time

Where are you escaping to ?

 

[PoppedCorn]

Find something you're passionate about and dive into it

this

 

[Mojo]

Hey guys,
I know this is a really morbid question to ask on an internet forum, but has anyone here had suicidal thoughts and is willing to share their experience how they turned it around?