Bonz
🤺🤺🤺
This is a little too truthful (and really really too the point).
I got formally diagnosed with major depression this week (for life of me swore it was going to be Bi-Polar).
It's been an interesting little bit, trying to work through it, nearly attempted suicide once, but pulled out at the last second, then made plans the other day but decided to book some things in the future to look forward to.
I have spent most of my life competing in sports, and the last few years training for Oceanics, a World Cup and then a Grand Prix in the sport of fencing (with majority of my sponsorship coming from Bigfooty, especially the Swans board and the SFA).
My results at Oceanics were unbelievable, I finished 5th in Oceanics and got a medal in teams representing Australia.
My results at Worlds, The Grand Prix and Nationals this year, not great... I did my best honestly (I was training 16 hours a week fencing then a further 8 hours of strength and conditioning with 4 hours dedicated to ice/heat baths, massage, sauna and recovery). But sadly I was just a bit too short and not quite talented enough to excel at that level.
But I copped a tonne of abuse online afterwards, via Facebook, Instagram (and even on Bigfooty). I also had my body break down so was competing under injury (PCL and LCL tears, golfers elbow, stability issues in right ankle, strained left Achilles).
I retired after Nats, chased boxing for a bit (but had issues hitting other people) (no issues getting hit). This is apparently different to most boxers and honestly I felt pathetic for it. After failing in a spar, I found myself crying and sitting on the edge of a bridge messaging lifeline.
Have been getting some work done (mentally mostly) and identified a few things.
- Like a large amount of athletes I have dopamine addiction, caused by large amounts of training..stopping this caused my brain to rebel and activate my depressive cycles.
- For years I have struggled with dark thoughts then had amazing highs (usually after competing or training), I would then overtrain myself, I thought this was mania but was instead something else and was forcing my body to develop dopamine issues.
- I would do high risk activities, mostly because I would chase that dopamine high.
Actually has been pretty hard to type this out (but Bigfooty has been a pretty big part of my life now, I also struggle putting this stuff into words with my friends).
It's been tough, but last little bit has been a bit better, trying to give myself more forward goals, things that are long term but achievable.
- Hamilton island (and a non fencing related holiday) this December.
- Japan next May
- Next October going to compete in Masters games, I have picked up my blade again, but also going to do Pickleball and maybe a sprint in athletics. (It's not world cup, but will be fun).
- If I am fencing well enough, Oceanics in New Zealand next year.
It will be a challenge, and honestly living very day to day currently (I was crying driving my car Tuesday and couldn't figure out why). But think I can push through it.
)
