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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA In no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping
'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!t.
 
[FONT=&quot]DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .[/FONT]


August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ****in' Perth....

October 30th - The temperatures up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking ****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my ****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ****in' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two ****in' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the ****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ****er. ****in' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot would want to live here!

December 1 -

WHAT!!!!

The first day of Summer!!!!

You are ****in' kidding!
 
Lol at October 15 Diary Entry.
How could he miss three days work when he only because of being burnt, when he only got burnt yesterday.
 

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A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A f***ing swing for the backyard".

Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A f***ing sandbox for the side yard."

Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a f***ing trampoline in the front yard."

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what
the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile
in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any.
He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door,
looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes
back in, shaking his head.

His father says, "What's wrong, son?"

The kid says, "Santa brought me a f***ing dog, but I can't find him."
 
An Irish bloke was walking home late at night and when he saw a woman
hiding in the shadows .....

'Twenty quid ' she whispered.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decided what the hell,
it's only twenty quid ..

So they hid in the bushes and they were going 'at it' when all of a
sudden a light flashed on them.

It was a police officer ..... "Allo, what's going on here then?' he
said.

'I be making love to me wife!' Paddy answered, sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' said the cop, 'I didn't know' ......

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!!'
 
LoungeLizard said:
[FONT=&quot]NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]engage in an animated conversation..[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Emma come first.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Den I come.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Den two asses come together.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I come once-a-more![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Two asses, they come together again.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I come again and pee twice.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Then I come one lasta time.'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The lady can't take this any more,[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]public places about our sex lives!'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Hey, coola down lady ,' said the man. 'Who talkin'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]' Mississippi .'[/FONT]
Click to expand...

An oldie, but a goodie.
 
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ****. I can splash it :rolleyes:on my eyes."
 
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. :eek:

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?':p

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, Why on earth are you crying?':confused:

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my wheat, the flood got my soy beans, a thunderstorm leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get @#$% all out of my peaches.
 
A budding young singer walks into the local RSL club, approaches the bar, and asks the barmaid if it would be possible for him to perform there.

"You're not a hypnotist are you?" she asks.

"No, I'm a singer," he replies, so she gets on the phone and talks to the manager. She hangs up and tells him the boss will see him, and directs him to the office.

While the man is waiting in the foyer, the receptionist asks what he's doing there. "I'm hoping to perform here." he replies.

"You're not a hypnotist are you?" she asks.

"No, I'm a singer," he replies. Just then, the boss comes out and ushers the young lad into his office.

"What can I do for you son?" the boss asks.

"I was wondering if I could perform here," the young man answers.

"Oh? Tell me, you're not a hypnotist are you?" asks the manager.

"No, I'm not. You're the third person here that's asked me that. Can I ask why?"

The boss replies "We had a hypnotist here three weeks ago. The guy was brilliant. The place was packed and he had everyone hypnotised. It was all going well too until the clumsy oaf tripped over the microphone cord and yelled out "S**T!" The cleaners were hard at it for the next three days."
 
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:mad:: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 'F*:)**ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
 
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the
drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says 'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He drains his drink, slams it on the table and stands up, pulls down his pants, turns around, bends over and farts knocking the glass off the table, shattering on the floor.

The bartender walks up to him and asks "What the hell do you think your doing?".
"Im playing Footy" Replied the man. "You should give it a go"

The bartender nods his head and grabs a drink, drains it, slams it on the table, pulls down his pants turns around and bends over. Just as he is about to fart, the man shoves his genitals in the bartenders rear.

"OW! Hey what did ya do that for?" says the bartender
The man replies "Im smothering your kick!"
 

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LoungeLizard said:
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
Click to expand...
Thats from an old Billy Connolly joke about Scottish Football
 
mojito said:
This one doesn't fit into the Lame jokes thread, so I'll chuck it in here

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Adelaide.

3.1415927 dead
Click to expand...



:thumbsu:
 
a man walks into a bar and watches a dog licking his balls.

"I wish i could do that" exclaims the man

To which the bartender replied:

"You can try, but I dont think the dog would be happy"
 
A 60 year old man goes to the doctor. After his examination, the doctor tells the man, "You are in remarkable shape for a 60 year old. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who says he's dead?" the man replies, "He's 84 and he just ran his first marathon."

"Amazing." says the doctor, "How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

"Who says he's dead?" the man answers, "He's 106 years old, and next week he's marrying a 20 year old girl."

"Good heavens!" says the doctor, "Why on earth would he want to do that?"

The man replies, "Who says he wants to?" :rolleyes:
 

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