- Jun 7, 2015
- 1,273
- 4,830
- AFL Club
- West Coast
West Coast vs St Kilda
Saturday June 1
Optus Stadium
Know your enemy
TISM’s Greg! The Stop Sign!! is a beloved Aussie classic, an iconic earworm reminding us all that no matter what choices you make in life, you could just suddenly die and none of them really mattered. The video for such a banger needed a timeless metaphor for the futility of it all. As footy fans, the band didn’t have to look far.
With just one flag to show from decades as the VFL’s favourite punchline, the Saints have had three shots at glory in the AFL era, only to be smote by Darren Jarman in 1997, a Scarlett toe poke in 2009, and a Sherrin in 2010 which sensibly decided Stephen Milne shouldn’t get to be a premiership hero. Years of mediocrity followed before the club made a bold call intended to launch an exciting new era: bring back Ross Lyon. Going back to your ex is undignified at the best of times, but Jesus, yikes, St Kilda. Haven’t your fans suffered enough?
Eagles forwards vs St Kilda backs: The Water-Man Comes Around
We all knew he had it in him, right? In just half a season, Jake Waterman has gone from scapegoat to just GOAT, from whipping boy to mulleted dominatrix spanking fullbacks across the land, and Eagles fans from “How can we kick a winning score without Allen?” to “You’re not gonna get in Snake’s way, are ya, blondie?”
"I swear, you come back and block my lead even once..."
Now settled at full forward, Waterman has relished the novelty of a half-competent midfield sending the ball inside 50 occasionally and formed a dangerous partnership with a rejuvenated Jack Darling. Throw in the consistent Cripps, a much-improved Petch, and Liam Ryan, who’s surely going to get a kick soon, and we’ve got the firepower to trouble any defence. Sure, we still lack a decent crumber, but as he’d just get bored waiting for Waterman to spill a mark, we can probably hold off and pick one up in the 2030 draft.
Entering the Snakepit this week will be All-Australian Callum Wilkie, backed up by Josh Battle and Dougal Howard, with Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera set to play the traditional role of speedy bastard who carves us up off halfback.
The Midfields
For all the hype about Harley Reid, there’s one issue that’s been overlooked: as the greatest man who ever lived, it’s a bit of a waste he just plays AFL when he should be running around a UN meeting hitting every campaigner with don’t-argues until there’s world peace forever.
Find someone who looks at you the way his teammates look at Harley Reid
Meanwhile, Reuben Ginbey has been thriving out of the spotlight, adding an attacking edge to his game befitting a kid with arms the size of most player’s legs. A fit Yeo in beast mode means Kelly no longer has to run the midfield alone, while Gaff returns from WAFL purgatory for one last crack.
While there might have been a few interesting selection decisions this week, overall our midfield hasn’t looked this good in years, and it matches up pretty well against a Saints outfit lacking serious A-grade talent. Jacks Steele and Sinclair are handy, but it’s a bad sign when you’re excited to pluck Paddy Dow out of Carlton’s rejects bin.
One real danger is Rowan Marshall, who copped a frightful pantsing from Max Gawn last week and must be in a foul mood. Our beloved babyface Bailey Williams has been struggling against the league’s monster heels lately, and another beatdown could… WAIT! BAH GAWD, THAT’S MATT FLYNN’S MUSIC! If our ruck saviour can chokeslam Marshall through the Spanish announcers’ table, or at least win the odd hit out to advantage, it’s going to be a blast to see what Harley and co can do.
Eagles backs vs Saints forwards
Ross Lyon teams are famous for strict defensive structures that aim to make games so boring the opposition fall out of love with the sport and give up. Actually scoring goals themselves is an optional extra, although to be fair to Ross, his current crop of forwards aren’t very good anyway. Max King is so weak in a contest it’s surprising Ben didn’t devour him in the womb. At his feet lurk a swarm of okay small forwards in Higgins, Owens, and Butler, whose combined output amounts to nothing particularly threatening.
Last week’s haplessness aside, our defence has been pretty solid this year, and the Saints forward line is as easy a kill as it gets. Expect Hough to shut down Higgins or Owens, Barrass to ruin King’s day, and Gov to do whatever the hell he likes. Harry Edwards also returns to the team, because as every good coach knows, it’s important to pick as tall a side as possible in a torrential downpour to minimise the risk of anyone drowning.
The Wash Up
Look, last week was, uh, not great. But after two years as perhaps the most remorselessly dogshit team to ever stink up the competition, we all knew the path back to dignity would be long, hard, and strewn with rakes that occasionally ping up and hit us in the nose.
If you’d told us in round one that we’d belt a flag contender in Melbourne and enjoy the most delicious derby win in years as Harley filled highlight reels and Waterman contended for a Coleman, we’d have taken that in a heartbeat. Are we back? Hell no. But footy is actually fun again, and thank Christ for that.
Although we’ll start favourites, Saturday’s forecast of rain could turn the match into the kind of grim slog that gets Ross Lyon more excited than a comely female staffer. It’ll be interesting to see how we respond. Our game plans of 2018-21 (chip, mark, possess) and 2022-23 (god knows what) fell apart in the wet, but Reid, Yeo, and Ginbey should be able to match anyone for brute force and ignorance these days.
Maybe we’ll celebrate blowing the Saints away with explosive, high-octane footy. Perhaps we’ll melt as they grind out an ugly, joyless upset. Either way, I think we can all agree that it’s just nice to feel something again, man. Up the ****en Coasters, friends. Up the ****en Coasters.
Saturday June 1
Optus Stadium
Know your enemy
TISM’s Greg! The Stop Sign!! is a beloved Aussie classic, an iconic earworm reminding us all that no matter what choices you make in life, you could just suddenly die and none of them really mattered. The video for such a banger needed a timeless metaphor for the futility of it all. As footy fans, the band didn’t have to look far.
With just one flag to show from decades as the VFL’s favourite punchline, the Saints have had three shots at glory in the AFL era, only to be smote by Darren Jarman in 1997, a Scarlett toe poke in 2009, and a Sherrin in 2010 which sensibly decided Stephen Milne shouldn’t get to be a premiership hero. Years of mediocrity followed before the club made a bold call intended to launch an exciting new era: bring back Ross Lyon. Going back to your ex is undignified at the best of times, but Jesus, yikes, St Kilda. Haven’t your fans suffered enough?
Eagles forwards vs St Kilda backs: The Water-Man Comes Around
We all knew he had it in him, right? In just half a season, Jake Waterman has gone from scapegoat to just GOAT, from whipping boy to mulleted dominatrix spanking fullbacks across the land, and Eagles fans from “How can we kick a winning score without Allen?” to “You’re not gonna get in Snake’s way, are ya, blondie?”
"I swear, you come back and block my lead even once..."
Now settled at full forward, Waterman has relished the novelty of a half-competent midfield sending the ball inside 50 occasionally and formed a dangerous partnership with a rejuvenated Jack Darling. Throw in the consistent Cripps, a much-improved Petch, and Liam Ryan, who’s surely going to get a kick soon, and we’ve got the firepower to trouble any defence. Sure, we still lack a decent crumber, but as he’d just get bored waiting for Waterman to spill a mark, we can probably hold off and pick one up in the 2030 draft.
Entering the Snakepit this week will be All-Australian Callum Wilkie, backed up by Josh Battle and Dougal Howard, with Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera set to play the traditional role of speedy bastard who carves us up off halfback.
The Midfields
For all the hype about Harley Reid, there’s one issue that’s been overlooked: as the greatest man who ever lived, it’s a bit of a waste he just plays AFL when he should be running around a UN meeting hitting every campaigner with don’t-argues until there’s world peace forever.
Find someone who looks at you the way his teammates look at Harley Reid
Meanwhile, Reuben Ginbey has been thriving out of the spotlight, adding an attacking edge to his game befitting a kid with arms the size of most player’s legs. A fit Yeo in beast mode means Kelly no longer has to run the midfield alone, while Gaff returns from WAFL purgatory for one last crack.
While there might have been a few interesting selection decisions this week, overall our midfield hasn’t looked this good in years, and it matches up pretty well against a Saints outfit lacking serious A-grade talent. Jacks Steele and Sinclair are handy, but it’s a bad sign when you’re excited to pluck Paddy Dow out of Carlton’s rejects bin.
One real danger is Rowan Marshall, who copped a frightful pantsing from Max Gawn last week and must be in a foul mood. Our beloved babyface Bailey Williams has been struggling against the league’s monster heels lately, and another beatdown could… WAIT! BAH GAWD, THAT’S MATT FLYNN’S MUSIC! If our ruck saviour can chokeslam Marshall through the Spanish announcers’ table, or at least win the odd hit out to advantage, it’s going to be a blast to see what Harley and co can do.
Eagles backs vs Saints forwards
Ross Lyon teams are famous for strict defensive structures that aim to make games so boring the opposition fall out of love with the sport and give up. Actually scoring goals themselves is an optional extra, although to be fair to Ross, his current crop of forwards aren’t very good anyway. Max King is so weak in a contest it’s surprising Ben didn’t devour him in the womb. At his feet lurk a swarm of okay small forwards in Higgins, Owens, and Butler, whose combined output amounts to nothing particularly threatening.
Last week’s haplessness aside, our defence has been pretty solid this year, and the Saints forward line is as easy a kill as it gets. Expect Hough to shut down Higgins or Owens, Barrass to ruin King’s day, and Gov to do whatever the hell he likes. Harry Edwards also returns to the team, because as every good coach knows, it’s important to pick as tall a side as possible in a torrential downpour to minimise the risk of anyone drowning.
The Wash Up
Look, last week was, uh, not great. But after two years as perhaps the most remorselessly dogshit team to ever stink up the competition, we all knew the path back to dignity would be long, hard, and strewn with rakes that occasionally ping up and hit us in the nose.
If you’d told us in round one that we’d belt a flag contender in Melbourne and enjoy the most delicious derby win in years as Harley filled highlight reels and Waterman contended for a Coleman, we’d have taken that in a heartbeat. Are we back? Hell no. But footy is actually fun again, and thank Christ for that.
Although we’ll start favourites, Saturday’s forecast of rain could turn the match into the kind of grim slog that gets Ross Lyon more excited than a comely female staffer. It’ll be interesting to see how we respond. Our game plans of 2018-21 (chip, mark, possess) and 2022-23 (god knows what) fell apart in the wet, but Reid, Yeo, and Ginbey should be able to match anyone for brute force and ignorance these days.
Maybe we’ll celebrate blowing the Saints away with explosive, high-octane footy. Perhaps we’ll melt as they grind out an ugly, joyless upset. Either way, I think we can all agree that it’s just nice to feel something again, man. Up the ****en Coasters, friends. Up the ****en Coasters.
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