Official Match Thread Season 38, Round 9: Coney Island Warriors vs Gold City Royals at Van Cortlandt Park (MOTR)

[TubbsFarquhar]

Really good tubby. Not happy about my pies not making the finals but that's football

Welcome to my world of the last seven years .

 

[Cadsky]

Pies?

If it’s not a Mrs Mac take it back…. And get a better one

I don't mind a Mrs mac pie tbh. Far better than that four n twenty shit

 

[krakouers]

I don't mind a Mrs mac pie tbh. Far better than that four n twenty shit

 

[grumbleguts]

So you know our children go to war school which costs money? Check out the big brain on Brad.

What? No, we just win wars by keeping the kids of the opposing force's commanders in our car boot. They surrender, nobody gets hurt, and we use our money to pay off the police.

 

[manicpie]

What? No, we just win wars by keeping the kids of the opposing force's commanders in our car boot. They surrender, nobody gets hurt, and we use our money to pay off the police.

 

[pantskyle]

Hi pantskyle

I wouldn't have thought so.

 

[krakouers]

I wouldn't have thought so.

Ok then…

 

[krakouers]

What? No, we just win wars by keeping the kids of the opposing force's commanders in our car boot. They surrender, nobody gets hurt, and we use our money to pay off the police.

Is that not how it works?

 

[Dinsdale]

Is that not how it works?

No. There are no winners in War, as we know from that movie, Ferris Buellers Day Off.

 

[manicpie]

No. There are no winners in War, as we know from that movie, Ferris Buellers Day Off.

Probably still my favourite movie of all time

 

[krakouers]

No. There are no winners in War, as we know from that movie, Ferris Buellers Day Off.

You say that… but who had Mia Sara as a partner has won life/war/existence

 

[Dinsdale]

You say that… but who had Mia Sara as a partner has won life/war/existence

She was good in Legend.

 

[Brenton Davy]

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Evening Wazzas, we have ourselves another opponent to get to know so let's get to Know Your Opponents!

This week we host the Gold City Royals. If I were to describe what a Royal is, it would be a member of a family that lays claim to ruling over a bunch of people. There are several ways to lay such a claim - through wealth, through warfare or through joining forces with another royal family by getting one of your family to marry one of their family. In a nutshell, the three pillars of Royalty are Guns, Coins & Inbreeding. And it is the latter one which we will use to describe the Gold Citizens by way of another Quinness World Record. It's at this point where we say hello to King Charles II of Spain, a member of the House of Habsburg.

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[Pictured: CharlesII of Spain, whose jaw was bigger than that of Popeye, Roger Ranjet and Rory Lobb combined]

Charles II was born in Madrid on the 6th of November 1661, but the Habsburg story began centuries earlier at around the 12th century and before too long were doing some heavy lifting as part of the Holy Roman Empire by ruling over a lot of Europe, parts of the Americas and even the Philippines. After a while though they got right into the whole inbreeding thing with the Spanish line front and centre, and for 16 generations prior to oldmate Chuck it was uncle this and niece that and cousins akimbo and more brother-sister action than the Lannisters from Game of Thrones. From 1516 to 1700, it has been estimated that over 80% of marriages within the Spanish branch of the Habsburg dynasty were consanguineous.

So back to Charles II. His great-grandfather, Philip II married his niece, an Austrian Habsburg princess, and produced a son, Philip III, who was also Philip II’s great-nephew. Philip III then married one of his Austrian Habsburg cousins, on his mother’s side, and the great niece of his father Philip II. This marriage produced a son, Philip IV, who married one of his Austrian Habsburg cousins. These two are the parents of Charles II, who ascended to the throne aged 4. But there was a problem... Charles was considered “too deformed and intellectually stunted” to rule properly, so much so that he gained the nickname of El Hechizado (meaning The Hexed or The Bewitched). Oh yeah, his aunt was also his grandmother, did I mention that? Hard to keep up with this lot.

Historians Philomena Cunk Will and Ariel Durant described the poorly monarch as: "Short, lame, epileptic, senile, and completely bald before 35, always on the verge of death but repeatedly baffling Christendom by continuing to live."

Unable to chew his own food he was impossible to understand because he also had an enormous tongue. His bottom lip stuck out unnaturally, but was dwarfed by the extent with which his jaw jutted out of his face. In fact this feature was so common within his family it is known as the Habsburg Jaw, and is a telltale sign of inbreeding and/or spinach abuse.

Papal nuncio Millini described him as: “The king is rather short, skinny, but not badly formed, only ugly in the face; he has a long neck, a long face, a long chin and as if it bent upwards; the lower lip typical of the Habsburgs; not very large eyes, turquoise blue, and a fine and delicate complexion.

“His body is as weak as his mind. Occasionally, he shows signs of intelligence, memory, and a certain liveliness, but not consistently; he usually appears slow and indifferent, seemingly dumbfounded.” Because of his deformities he did not learn to walk until he was eight and was never educated, relying on others completely throughout his reign.

His first wife was an arranged marriage with Marie Louise of Orleans - his second niece. In 1679 the French ambassador wrote Mare wanted nothing to do with him, writing: “The Catholic King is so ugly as to cause fear and he looks ill.”

When she died Chucky remarried but could not have children due to impotence. God had decided at this point that these cats had had enough of rooting each other, so when Charles II died on the 1st of November 1700 he did so without an heir which not only put an end to the Spanish Habsburg line but also the Hispanic Catholic Monarchy and began the War of the Spanish Succession, which lasted for 13 years.

So Wazzas if you see the likes of Cadsky CakeEater grumbleguts & Brenton Davy around Van Cortlandt Park this week and are wondering what the deal is with their oversized novelty chins, it's the product of generations of Kissin' Cousins. The more you know aye?

Have a good week fellas.​

You obviously haven’t been keeping up. We’ve discovered that our royal lineage dates back to ancient Egypt. Therefore your exhaustive research has proven to be severely lacking.

 

[Brenton Davy]

Pies?

If it’s not a Mrs Mac take it back…. And get a VILI’S

Fixed

 

[Tonga Bob]

You obviously haven’t been keeping up. We’ve discovered that our royal lineage dates back to ancient Egypt. Therefore your exhaustive research has proven to be severely lacking.

They interbred like fiends as well. Maybe they should call it the Ptolemaic Jaw.

 

[krakouers]

They interbred like fiends as well. Maybe they should call it the Ptolemaic Jaw.

It’s all Greek to me

 

[Brenton Davy]

It’s all Greek to me

Ptolemy was Egyptian…

 

[Mr Cheese]

I'll take the pep talk but do I have to get a dose of Crimson

Better than a mouthful of cheese...

 

[krakouers]

Ptolemy was Egyptian…

That’s a terrible joke

 

[Tonga Bob]

Ptolemy was Egyptian…

That’s a terrible joke

 

[Tonga Bob]

Gruelling?

Salem Witch trials hard?

Those witches were petty hot tbh

 

[GreyCrow]

Ptolemy helped crack the Rosetta Stone and introduced 2 new languages to knowledge

 

[Purple7x08_24]

 

[FootyGuy13]

Those witches were petty hot tbh

Big fan of Tom, I see.

 

[Dinsdale]

Friday7 and all's well, except for a pinged hammy