Opinion The AFL narrative for 2024

[MR0808]

So what will the WWE (oops AFL) scriptwriters have in store for us after the bye ?

Caaaarrrlton v Collingwood looks a pipe dream, as does an all Sydney GF.

Geelong have fallen away, Melbourne and freo are boring, hmmm.

I know !! See the bombers fly up up !! Haven’t won a final for 189364629 days, written off by all, with a percentage worse than Stringer’s tattoos.

Redemption, heel turns hero storyline lol.

One thing’s for sure, they need to invent drama as the May premiers looking every part of going on with it.

The Rock to come in and steal the premiership match away from us!

 

[Kirkswan]

I lived in Manly 20+ years ago. Drop a pie crumb and the challenge would be keeping other cockroaches out of the shot.

Damn, I'm thinking about the pie shop/bakery at the ferry end of the Corso. It began life as Shakespeare's Pies before changing the name to Hamlet's pies. The place was an icon. The mince steak, bacon & cheese pie was my fave, the gravy perfect. It closed its doors in 2020, a silent victim of the global pandemic.

I remember that pie shop! Absolutely scrumptious!!!

Their custard tarts were to die for...

I lived at Fairlight at about the same time. I had a flat overlooking the harbour. I could see through the Sydney heads looking south. Not on the harbour but across the street. I loved watching the storms brewing from the south. Lightening. Thunder. The ominous grey clouds building up. The wind would precede the storm and it would get the hairs up on your arms as it hit you in the face.
I would walk around the water to the ferry terminal at Manly and take the ferry to work in Sydney. I would get sun tanned on the way to work. In stormy weather there were some big swells coming through the heads. The ferries always ran though. They would time their run coming at a 90 degree angle at the swells and at the last minute turn and ride the swells toward Sydney. Bags would slide 20metres inside the ferry back and forth. On sunny days I had my sunnies on and a coffee sitting with my feet up outside on the side of the ferry. It was a great way to go to work every day.

I caught the ferry to and from work in the city in the late 70s and early 80s, I only ever remember it not running once... I remember because I got a bus instead from the wharf, and got on the 169 by mistake! It did go to the city, but by a scenic route and I was an hour and half late! I loved those ferry rides in rough seas...

 

[Ballarat Bob]

Always a good trip out to Manly on the ferry not sure how many times I remembered getting home. Lived in Wooloomooloo for a few years in the late nineties Harry's Cafe de Wheels was the go to spot on many occasions. Drunk , Hungover , couldn't be bothered cooking days it didn't seem to matter.
$160 for a studio apartment in the late 90's it was tiny but if you stepped up on the toilet seat and stuck your head out the window you could get a glimpse of the top of the harbour bridge.
Good times but Sydney was always expensive and it's gone nuts since then I bailed down south which has been equally enjoyable but different.

 

[Heeney2Franklin]

Its Essendon for however long they keep winning then Collingwood i guess.

 

[Kiama Chris]

Its Essendon for however long they keep winning then Collingwood i guess.

Heaven help us if they both keep winning and Carlton step up again. At least we might have put the Dogs to bed.
Next victim please - Miaow!

 

[BloodySwan]

So what will the WWE (oops AFL) scriptwriters have in store for us after the bye ?

Caaaarrrlton v Collingwood looks a pipe dream, as does an all Sydney GF.

Geelong have fallen away, Melbourne and freo are boring, hmmm.

I know !! See the bombers fly up up !! Haven’t won a final for 189364629 days, written off by all, with a percentage worse than Stringer’s tattoos.

Redemption, heel turns hero storyline lol.

One thing’s for sure, they need to invent drama as the May premiers looking every part of going on with it.

Geelong vs Sydney rematch

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

So the new narrative is taking shape.

If you thought 2016 was bad, well you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Welcome to “Grand Theft Auto 2”.
The sequel promises to have more daring robberies and obstacles to dodge than ever before

Because in this sequel:

Carlton are going to god damn win this thing because every umpire, journalist, tribunal member, lawyer, media personality, groundsman, interchange official, caterer, betting agency, waterboy and Hitman is gonna damn well make sure of it.

The only way through is a direct attack by the club on every dodgy call. No more play nice and keep quiet and hope for the best. We must launch an offensive on every inconsistency we see. Horse needs to go full Bob Katter mode.

Let’s hold the AFL to account, media loves drama, let’s give it to them. What have we got to lose ?

 

[Troystenvic]

So the new narrative is taking shape.

If you thought 2016 was bad, well you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Welcome to “Grand Theft Auto 2”.
The sequel promises to have more daring robberies and obstacles to dodge than ever before

Because in this sequel:

Carlton are going to god damn win this thing because every umpire, journalist, tribunal member, lawyer, media personality, groundsman, interchange official, caterer, betting agency, waterboy and Hitman is gonna damn well make sure of it.

The only way through is a direct attack by the club on every dodgy call. No more play nice and keep quiet and hope for the best. We must launch an offensive on every inconsistency we see. Horse needs to go full Bob Katter mode.

Let’s hold the AFL to account, media loves drama, let’s give it to them. What have we got to lose ?

This is a top class melt. Pure gold. Love it

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

This is a top class melt. Pure gold. Love it

Big footy gave me trophy points for the melt.

 

[sataris]

Bah gawd, that's the gold coast suns music!

 

[DobmusEdge]

So the new narrative is taking shape.

If you thought 2016 was bad, well you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Welcome to “Grand Theft Auto 2”.
The sequel promises to have more daring robberies and obstacles to dodge than ever before

Because in this sequel:

Carlton are going to god damn win this thing because every umpire, journalist, tribunal member, lawyer, media personality, groundsman, interchange official, caterer, betting agency, waterboy and Hitman is gonna damn well make sure of it.

The only way through is a direct attack by the club on every dodgy call. No more play nice and keep quiet and hope for the best. We must launch an offensive on every inconsistency we see. Horse needs to go full Bob Katter mode.

Let’s hold the AFL to account, media loves drama, let’s give it to them. What have we got to lose ?

The Carlton narrative is what worries me most by far.

Any non-VIC team I think we’ll get a relatively even playing field.

I think Cats or Magpies there won’t be a huge narrative as they’ve both just won a flag

But Bombers or Blues - it will be preordained that like 2016 Swans are just extras in a show. Fortunately you need to win two finals to get to the big dance, so that rules the Bombers out. But Carlton in will see the industry collectively lose their minds with the narrative. And also the swans haven’t beaten the Blues at the MCG for over a century

 

[McGowan3]

The Carlton narrative is what worries me most by far.

Any non-VIC team I think we’ll get a relatively even playing field.

I think Cats or Magpies there won’t be a huge narrative as they’ve both just won a flag

But Bombers or Blues - it will be preordained that like 2016 Swans are just extras in a show. Fortunately you need to win two finals to get to the big dance, so that rules the Bombers out. But Carlton in will see the industry collectively lose their minds with the narrative. And also the swans haven’t beaten the Blues at the MCG for over a century

Would be great if it was Swans- Lions Grand final. Not out of the question as things stand. Proper Grand final on a neutral ground. Last GF with no Victorian team was 2006 IIRC.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Not gonna happen. Pies won't reach the granny despite finishing 4th, they'll be knocked out by a resurgent Demons in QF before the Giants finish them off for a straight sets exit. Turns out Ginnivan was their key player after all. Giants beat the crows in one PF, we knock out Brissy in the other.

The first ever all Sydney Grand Final was always destined to be an epic. NSW Premier Goodes refuses to relinquish the Grand Final to the Victorians. He leads 100,000 NSW AFL fans in a protest relay to the MCG. At the Murray river the baton is swum across to Swans and Giants fans from Victoria, who finally deliver the message to the AFL. It demands the Grand Final is played in Sydney or NSW will ban footy from school grounds. The AFL reluctantly agree to the demands.

The SCG is sold out, with only members of both clubs getting access to tickets, leaving AFL members, SCG members and life members of other clubs to watch on the giant screens the NSW government has set up through surrounding parklands, pubs and venues. The scene extends across all Sydney venues, parks and footy grounds all the way across the Blue Mountains and beyond. Half time sees a new world record set for the largest ever kick-to-kick. NRL and soccer teams are forced by law to abandon all games for their own safety, with millions of people crowding out streets, partying with their neighbours. Giant screens around the harbour can be watched from vantage points all over Sydney. Off the beaches, giant screens float on barges, just outside the surf. Highways are banked up all the way to QLD, people party on the roadways and watch the giant screens on trucks, festooned over the length of the Pacific and Princess Highways

The game is a low scoring affair as both teams probe for a weakness. The score remains tight, with neither team able to break free. Toby Green has been well held all day and a close finish is beckoning when with 5 minutes to play he kicks three goals within a single minute of play. The game day thread has gone a dark red, cursing players, cursing Horse, who does seems to be panicking. Horse makes a tactical play. He moves Parker and Grundy forward and subs out Amartey for a fresh Sam Reid. He motions Sam to take over the ruck, resting Grundy as a forward. Four minutes later and the Swans are back to within a goal, after Campbell launches from the centre square, the ball bouncing on end only 2 metres out, turning on its tip and spinning like a top it slips past three defenders who are left grabbing for air. Reid loses the tap but a lunging tackle causes Green to drop the ball. He's pinged for incorrect disposal. Gulden runs past for a handball receive. This throws the player on the mark who moves just enough to lose his balance, making him lunge towards Reid. The ump awards a 50m penalty, bringing Reid within 55m, testing his hammies. His kick sails through almost on the outstretched fingers of a couple of GWS defenders. They claim the ball was touched. The umpire gets the AFL voice in his ear, they want him to declare it touched. He follows their direction but he insists on calling for a review. The review makes it clear the ball was untouched. Reid pumps his fist in celebration.

The Giants dig in, leaving the Swans still three points behind with only 13 seconds of play remaining. Another centre bounce but with no clear winner in the ruck. Reid isn't finished he goes again and gets a 2nd tap out to Adams. With his knee stuffed and head heavily bandaged, Adams somehow manages to squirt a handball through a tiny gap in the congestion, finding Gulden. He's instantly gang tackled but somehow manages to throw the ball onto his boot. The kick sails high inside 50. A huge pack forms, the Giants almost inpenetrable defence sets itself, desperate to kill the ball and block the space for the Swans' forwards. A miracle is needed.

All eyes are fixed on the descending ball when a wounded resting Grundy, looking all but dead, suddenly launches off his opponent, who is caught ball watching. Grundy comes crashing out of the goal square, his huge legs pumping hard, his opponent two steps behind. Grundy's pace rises, incredibly, his momentum like a human battering ram, his eyes held fixed, glued to the incoming ball. He jumps early, lifts his giant frame high, rising until he almost seems to be flying. For a half second he seems to hover over the pack, gaining more height on the shoulders of friends and foes alike. His fingers reach out to the ball at his highest point, clinging desperately to the mark as he suddenly descends from high, completely and utterly flattening anyone in the pack. He holds the ball aloft, a whistle blows, a sound like air rushing out of a deflated Giants defence.

The siren goes as Grundy lines up from 40m out. He resets his runup. I expect I'm not the only one wondering how much forward craft he picked up in the Demon's VFL team. The irony that the failure of the Demon's dual ruck experiment could determine the outcome of an all Sydney grand final was lost on me, like most fans. The moment is all that matters. The silence is absolute, a pin dropped in Manly could echo around the SCG. A cockroach could be heard crunching on pie crumbs behind the Bill O'Reilly stand. Even the commentators have stopped their incessant babbling. Nothing they say will add to the suspense, and they dare not shatter such an electric atmosphere. The hush is total.

A camera slowly zooms in on Grundy's giant hands as he grips the ball tightly. The hair on his arms is standing on end. Every other player is camped around goals, mostly squeezed on or behind the goal line. There is only Grundy and one man on the mark. Any breeze has stilled as twenty million viewers around the world hold their breath. Horse clenches his fists to control the anxiety, pressing his fingernails into his palms so hard that they draw blood.

In the crowd, an old guy dressed in South Melbourne kit clutches at his heart and slumps forward. No-one notices. An asteroid enters the atmosphere, leaving a trail of flame across the dark blue sky. No-one looks up. Children cling forgotten to their mothers. Young men cling to their girlfriends. Fingers cross, uncross and cross again, like Sharon Stone at a police interview. Koalas fall half-stoned from eucalypts. They don't notice. Planes crash high above, the pilots fixed to the screens on their phones. A kaiju rises from middle hardbour, crushing apartment blocks and throwing cars into the water. The seas catch fire, the anti-Christ roams the earth, fire and brimstone rain down, Christians vanish from the crowd, called to heaven. "Not now", they cry to God begging him for a few minutes more on earth, just until the game finishes. A ship runs aground at Circular Quay, its captain entirely distracted by the game displayed on a huge screen on the side of the Harbour Bridge.

Someone farts loudly in the crowd, a quiet one that blasts loud at the end, but it breaks the ice, easing the tension. Rampe slides down off the goal post he'd been found himself clinging to. Unfortunately he lands on Daniels. A fight breaks out, other players join in, whistles blow, names are called, mothers are insulted, sisters' reputations are stained, more punches are thrown. The benches shake as trainers, doctors and coaching staff scramble over them to join the fray.

In the forward pocket Horse is gouging out Kingsley's eye. Cox lies on the ground, slowly being throttled by the bloke who cleans the GWS footy boots. Kirk meditates loudly in the centre of the melee, trying to calm everyone down. Sam Taylor decks him. Kirk Jnr decks Taylor. Logan is in full beserker mode, frothing at the mouth, cursing in ancient Norsk as he beats into Hogan and Himmelberg. Toby Green is punching and kicking anyone within reach, which is pretty much what he does during any game. Parker gives him a huge kick in the balls.

The violence has spread into the crowd where mums are punching dads, kids are kicking other kids, great uncles are head butting great aunts who beat them back with a hand bag and a thermos of gin. The tension of the game has been too much. Mandating all the gratuitous violence out of the game has left tensions to fester, until it finally surfaces. Around the world Aussies are being portrayed as violent sickos hiding under a veneer of civility. The Prime Minister calls an urgent cabinet meeting but his cabinet gang up on him. Penny Wong lets fly a Kung-Fu kick to his ear. Parliament becomes an all in brawl. Pressure needs release.

In a desperate bid to quell the violence before it spreads any further, the controlling umpire signals play on. Grundy seems to be the only one who hears it. Without a further glance at the murderous crowds pulling each other apart, he takes a short run up and lets fly, sending the ball clean through the middle of the goals at a height that leaves no doubt of the result, even for crying Crows supporters.

So engaged are they in their brawls, it takes a while before the players, footy staff, media and even the crowd realise something has happened. The fights stop, as all eyes swing towards the goal umpire. It's the same goal umpire who was suspended after 2023 Rd 23 Swans v. Crows, poor guy. He's about to make his call when a drunk Matthew Nicks calls out from the crowd "'Ow big's yer dick?". The goal umpire raises the index finger of each hand, holding them about 30cm apart. "This big" yells the Swans crowd, as they fall over with laughter and howls of relief. Even the GWS players manage a smile. They may have lost but the real winner was footy in NSW and they know it.

A number of Swans veterans take the opportunity to retire. A few cantankerous old Swans fans pass way, finally content.

In the back of an ambulance, its sirens blazing as it races towards hospital, the old South Melbourne supporter regains consciousness. He beckons a paramedic close towards him, "Did we win?" he mutters quietly. The paramedic smiles at him.

Bumping this cos ya neva know !

RubbaDuck - peerless in the novella form.

 

[Dubai Quacker]

Keep an eye on ump appointments.

If Stevic gets Bravedogs games - the fix is in (again).

 

[bloodsbigot]

Ma gawd, that's Bob Murphy's music!