Hawthorn. I tell you they have nothing to do with the actual suburb of Hawthorn at all and no-one who lives in Hawthorn has anything to do with them, or wants to. Last time I was in the leafy avenues of Hawthorn, about two years ago, I was at a dinner party. Turned out virtually everyone there except me was a long-time Melbourne member. Having made a mental note to accept social engagements with more care in future, I said “wait, isn’t this Hawthorn and you all live here and no-one at this table is old enough to remember the last time Melbourne...” but I was interrupted by my host, who said “we’re all off skiing next week, in Colorado. Pass the Grange, it’s a grand old vintage.” I said “well at least Winter and Waverley both start with W” but no-one got it.
St. Kilda. Yes you might find some of their players in a Fitzroy St gutter any night of the week but that’s not the same as having a training ground there. Well okay maybe it is, for them. But anyway, Moorabbin is not St Kilda. And nor is Seaford.
Collingwood. Demonstrably, indisputably not based in Collingwood. Have a look at Google Maps, go on I dare you. They are not in Collingwood, or Melbourne, or East Melbourne, or Southbank, or Richmond, or Cremorne. They are nowhere. They are lost. Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain. At least Hawthorn could be the Waverley Wombats and St Kilda the Moorabbin Moonbeams, but Collingwood FC are nowhere, the poor bastards.
I mean you can look at a map and go “look, there’s the west coast of Australia, the footy club of the same name must be around there somewhere, it’s just a matter of narrowing down the 20,000 km of coastline”, but Hawthorn, St Kilda, and Collingwood don’t even have that because if you go by their name, THEY’RE NOT THERE!
St. Kilda. Yes you might find some of their players in a Fitzroy St gutter any night of the week but that’s not the same as having a training ground there. Well okay maybe it is, for them. But anyway, Moorabbin is not St Kilda. And nor is Seaford.
Collingwood. Demonstrably, indisputably not based in Collingwood. Have a look at Google Maps, go on I dare you. They are not in Collingwood, or Melbourne, or East Melbourne, or Southbank, or Richmond, or Cremorne. They are nowhere. They are lost. Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain. At least Hawthorn could be the Waverley Wombats and St Kilda the Moorabbin Moonbeams, but Collingwood FC are nowhere, the poor bastards.
I mean you can look at a map and go “look, there’s the west coast of Australia, the footy club of the same name must be around there somewhere, it’s just a matter of narrowing down the 20,000 km of coastline”, but Hawthorn, St Kilda, and Collingwood don’t even have that because if you go by their name, THEY’RE NOT THERE!
