Mofra's Bottom 50 for 2020

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Mofra said:
Player #32 - Jake Kelly
View attachment 1001108
View attachment 1001109
View attachment 1001110
Pictured: More duckface than a Kardashian family photo

Jake Kelly is an Adelaide Crows player who went backwards faster this year than a West Coast Cheer Squad member with an expiring Hungry Jacks voucher.

Kelly is the son of former Collingwood player Craig Kelly, and like a lot of sons of Collingwood players he went unclaimed (presumably they're not familiar with kids who actually know who their father is). When Collingwood passed on him as a father-son pick Adelaide pounced. After plying his trade at SANFL level on the rookie list, he exploded onto the scene in 2015 and from 2016-2019 he was a very good player. But this isn't about the past. This is about 2020.

A rebounding defender and sometimes running through the middle of the ground, Jake Kelly halved his output this year except for his clanger count, which he miraculously maintained. I can only assumed he enjoyed hub-life about as much as Jack Higgins' girlfriend because his average disposal count halved (from 16 to 8) and his marks went from 5 down to three. Normally that would cause a bit of a droopy bottom lip in players but judging by Jake's photos he's had that covered for years. Googling images for Jake Kelly gives you a range of facial expressions that go from pout, to pout and head tilt, back to pout. He's the walking embodiment of an outer-suburban single mother's tinder profile (Pro-tip: duckface doesn't actually make your arse any smaller).

Early in his career his teammates nicknamed him "bull" because of his competitiveness, although they had to abandon that as Jake kept thinking he was being called anytime someone read a Tom Browne article. He was also one of the best Crows players in the 2017 Grand Final, although to be fair his only real competition was the empty seat next to Tex on the plane ride home.

Fun fact: At the 2013 draft combine he ran the third fastest 3km time trial in history. Even more miraculous was that as a potential Collingwood father-son pick, he had a stolen VCR under one arm the whole time.

Jake, 'bull', hopefully next year is better than this one. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2020.
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Mofra said:
Player #32 - Jake Kelly
View attachment 1001108
View attachment 1001109
View attachment 1001110
Pictured: More duckface than a Kardashian family photo

Jake Kelly is an Adelaide Crows player who went backwards faster this year than a West Coast Cheer Squad member with an expiring Hungry Jacks voucher.

Kelly is the son of former Collingwood player Craig Kelly, and like a lot of sons of Collingwood players he went unclaimed (presumably they're not familiar with kids who actually know who their father is). When Collingwood passed on him as a father-son pick Adelaide pounced. After plying his trade at SANFL level on the rookie list, he exploded onto the scene in 2015 and from 2016-2019 he was a very good player. But this isn't about the past. This is about 2020.

A rebounding defender and sometimes running through the middle of the ground, Jake Kelly halved his output this year except for his clanger count, which he miraculously maintained. I can only assumed he enjoyed hub-life about as much as Jack Higgins' girlfriend because his average disposal count halved (from 16 to 8) and his marks went from 5 down to three. Normally that would cause a bit of a droopy bottom lip in players but judging by Jake's photos he's had that covered for years. Googling images for Jake Kelly gives you a range of facial expressions that go from pout, to pout and head tilt, back to pout. He's the walking embodiment of an outer-suburban single mother's tinder profile (Pro-tip: duckface doesn't actually make your arse any smaller).

Early in his career his teammates nicknamed him "bull" because of his competitiveness, although they had to abandon that as Jake kept thinking he was being called anytime someone read a Tom Browne article. He was also one of the best Crows players in the 2017 Grand Final, although to be fair his only real competition was the empty seat next to Tex on the plane ride home.

Fun fact: At the 2013 draft combine he ran the third fastest 3km time trial in history. Even more miraculous was that as a potential Collingwood father-son pick, he had a stolen VCR under one arm the whole time.

Jake, 'bull', hopefully next year is better than this one. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2020.
Click to expand...
I'm genuinely intrigued by the notion that West Coast cheer squad members always go backwards into Hungry Jacks when their vouchers are about expire. I did not know that. That just makes my admiration for them soar even higher!
 

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Father Jack said:
I'm genuinely intrigued by the notion that West Coast cheer squad members always go backwards into Hungry Jacks when their vouchers are about expire. I did not know that. That just makes my admiration for them soar even higher!
Click to expand...
Their beeping only comes on when they go in reverse, it’s an OHS issue otherwise
 
Mofra said:
Player #34 - Sam Frost
View attachment 997829
Pictured: Sam, clearly reminiscing about the time he and a bunch of kids found a pirate map in the 1980s and set off on an adventure

Sam Frost should be an elite footballer. He's tall, really really fast and on field he can hear the coach's instructions. Without a telephone. From 250m away. Through the glass of the coaches box. He's apparently the 3rd fastest player at Hawthorn, although if he pinned his ears back he'd be the first.

Frost started his proper football journey like so many other kids, rejecting GWS' advances to stay in Western Sydney. His first game at GWS was a 95 point loss to Fremantle which is generally a less likely event than a thread on the Bigfooty SRP board descending into rational discussion.
Sam moving to the Demons at the end of 2014 was the impetus for the Demons to chase both Jake Lever and Stephen May for merely a bunch of first round picks and half their salary cap.
Sam was then surplus to requirements and being over 25, the Hawks came knocking. He certainly heard them, and he moved to Hawthorn at the end of last year in a complicated deal that involved Sam Frost and five pick swaps.

Frost is excellent at closing space and to be honest is a pretty decent one on one defender and a defender who can catch and spoil the opposition on a lead. So how the hell does he make this list?

Well, football involves kicking. When you get the ball, you need to make a decision about where to kick it, then execute that skill which is fundamental to football.
Sam does this sometimes. Other times, well, let's just say with Clarko's penchant for plaster-board based violence during outbursts of frustration, Sam Frost has kept about 3% of Australia's plasterers employed during the economic slowdown. The stats say he manages a clanger with 1 in 5 disposals, but given 60% of his disposals are kicks it's likely closer to one in three. Then there's the fluffed long kick to an easy target that become a 'contested' situation that are officially counter as 'efficient' by Champion data hence the old adage - lie, damned lies and Frost's statistics. His decision making is so bad he might be secretly moonlighting as Collingwood's salary cap manager.

Fun fact: He shares the same name with a former reality TV star, which the job title equivalent of a "Hello my name is: In Training" nametag.

Sam, Frosty, good luck next year. I typed this as softly as I could so you couldn't hear what I was writing. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2020.
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Sorry, Mofra. Love your work and only visit Bay 13 these days to check out your Top 50. But this is bullshit. It reeks of you not watching a single Hawthorn game this season and echoing all the Bay 13 hype from 12 months ago when everyone laughed at Hawthorn for signing Frost. :ram:

Frost actually had a pretty good year. He was one of the few positives in an otherwise miserable season. He was one of the 3 blokes nominated by his teammates for the AFLPA MVP award and was just 2 votes shy of a top 5 placing in the club best and fairest.

This would indicate either:

a) he had a pretty good year
b) Hawthorn's list is fookin' shiite
c) all of the above.

(The correct answer is 'c')

juice t said:
I think what summed up Frosty's year was when he took an intercept mark against Freo, sprinted straight up the corridor, charged through a couple of players, and ran some 25m before he got pinged for running too far

Freo kicked a goal approximately 50 seconds later
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Nah. That moment didn't "sum up" Frost's year. That was the one time when he finally suffered the brainfart which my Demon mates had warned me about. It took 11 rounds. And then finally it happened. I had been waiting for it with baited breath all season.

As each week ticked by, I began to wonder WTF everyone had been talking about. Frost played consistently-good, clanger-free footy.
Finally in Round 11, I saw evidence of what they meant. But that was the only time I saw it.

In the Hawthorn v Carlton game one week prior to that, Patrick "MVP" Cripps committed three similar brainfarts in ONE quarter
 
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Back One Out said:
Sorry, Mofra. Love your work and only visit Bay 13 these days to check out your Top 50. But this is bullshit. It reeks of you not watching a single Hawthorn game this season and echoing all the Bay 13 hype from 12 months ago when everyone laughed at Hawthorn for signing Frost.

Frost actually had a pretty good year. He was one of the few positives in an otherwise miserable season. He was one of the 3 blokes nominated by his teammates for the AFLPA MVP award and was just 2 votes shy of a top 5 placing in the club best and fairest.

This would indicate either:

a) he had a pretty good year
b) Hawthorn's list is fookin' shiite
c) all of the above.

(The correct answer is 'c')

Nah. That moment didn't "sum up" Frost's year. That was the one time when he finally suffered the brainfart which my Demon mates had warned me about. It took 11 rounds. And then finally it happened. I had been waiting for it with baited breath all season. As the weeks ticked by, I began to wonder WTF everyone had been talking about as Frost played consistently good, clanger-free footy. Finally, I saw evidence of what they meant. But that was the only time I saw it. I saw superstar MVP Patrick Cripps commit three similar brainfarts in ONE quarter in the Hawthorn v Carlton game one week prior to that.
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"My listings are final. If you disagree with me, you are wrong." (Mofra, 2020)
 
Back One Out said:
Sorry, Mofra. Love your work and only visit Bay 13 these days to check out your Top 50. But this is bullshit. It reeks of you not watching a single Hawthorn game this season and echoing all the Bay 13 hype from 12 months ago when everyone laughed at Hawthorn for signing Frost.

Frost actually had a pretty good year. He was one of the few positives in an otherwise miserable season. He was one of the 3 blokes nominated by his teammates for the AFLPA MVP award and was just 2 votes shy of a top 5 placing in the club best and fairest.

This would indicate either:

a) he had a pretty good year
b) Hawthorn's list is fookin' shiite
c) all of the above.

(The correct answer is 'c')

Nah. That moment didn't "sum up" Frost's year. That was the one time when he finally suffered the brainfart which my Demon mates had warned me about. It took 11 rounds. And then finally it happened. I had been waiting for it with baited breath all season. As the weeks ticked by, I began to wonder WTF everyone had been talking about as Frost played consistently good, clanger-free footy. Finally, I saw evidence of what they meant. But that was the only time I saw it. I saw superstar MVP Patrick Cripps commit three similar brainfarts in ONE quarter in the Hawthorn v Carlton game one week prior to that.
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As much as I love Mofra's write-ups, this right here is what I subscribe to this thread for. Frost is about as good as the last one you backed out.
 
MC Bad Genius said:
Frost is about as good as the last one you backed out.
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The last one I backed out was solid enough.

I'm not saying Frost is a good footballer. Sure, he is a borderline hack, but he actually managed to keep his shiit together this season. There is no way he was one of the 50 worst players in the comp. Hawthorn alone had 25 worse players this year.

Unlike you, I watched every single minute of every Hawthorn game. I'm like Craig Bellamy in my living room, seeing every error, swearing, kicking the chair over... I'm scathing of our players. I'm one of the biggest critics of Hawthorn's recent recruiting and list management. I was ready sink the boot into Frost, Clarkson and everyone else involved in that trade. But I was pleasantly surprised.

MC Bad Genius said:
As much as I love Mofra's write-ups, this right here is what I subscribe to this thread for.
Click to expand...
I'm not a Frost fan and I realise "melts" are part of the fun.

I honestly don't care about any of this. I'm just setting the record straight.

I enjoy Mofra's write ups, but jokes are always funnier when they're based on the truth.
In this instance, he has gone for the Full Frontal/Little Britain hackey cheap laughs. He is playing to the peasant crowd.

LIFT YOUR GAME, Mofra !!!!
 
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I like the bit about hearing the coaches instructions from the ground.
is it because.

a) they are using his ears instead of the Parkes dish for the remake of the movie "The Dish"
b) for some reason Clarkson got really really really loud when he thought he should give "instructions" to Frost.
c) both of the above.
 
Back One Out said:
I'm not saying Frost is a good footballer. Sure, he is a borderline hack, but he actually managed to keep his shiit together this season. There is no way he was one of the 50 worst players in the comp. Hawthorn alone had 25 worse players this year.

Unlike you, I watched every single minute of every Hawthorn game.
Click to expand...

How the hell are we supposed to trust your judgement after that?
 
Back One Out said:
Sorry, Mofra. Love your work and only visit Bay 13 these days to check out your Top 50. But this is bullshit. It reeks of you not watching a single Hawthorn game this season and echoing all the Bay 13 hype from 12 months ago when everyone laughed at Hawthorn for signing Frost. :ram:

Frost actually had a pretty good year. He was one of the few positives in an otherwise miserable season. He was one of the 3 blokes nominated by his teammates for the AFLPA MVP award and was just 2 votes shy of a top 5 placing in the club best and fairest.

This would indicate either:

a) he had a pretty good year
b) Hawthorn's list is fookin' shiite
c) all of the above.

(The correct answer is 'c')

Nah. That moment didn't "sum up" Frost's year. That was the one time when he finally suffered the brainfart which my Demon mates had warned me about. It took 11 rounds. And then finally it happened. I had been waiting for it with baited breath all season.

As each week ticked by, I began to wonder WTF everyone had been talking about. Frost played consistently-good, clanger-free footy.
Finally in Round 11, I saw evidence of what they meant. But that was the only time I saw it.

In the Hawthorn v Carlton game one week prior to that, Patrick "MVP" Cripps committed three similar brainfarts in ONE quarter
Click to expand...
Finally, somebody speaking the truth. I am sick and tired of this slander against the great man who has done nothing wrong except becoming a legend of the game.
Frosty = GOD
 

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Even in a year when arguably North's best player was included in The Bottom 50, never in a million years did Mofra think it would be Sam 'Dumbo' Frost that would cause the most backlash!

Frosty's supporters be like:

 
Back One Out said:
Sorry, Mofra. Love your work and only visit Bay 13 these days to check out your Top 50. But this is bullshit. It reeks of you not watching a single Hawthorn game this season and echoing all the Bay 13 hype from 12 months ago when everyone laughed at Hawthorn for signing Frost. :ram:

Frost actually had a pretty good year. He was one of the few positives in an otherwise miserable season. He was one of the 3 blokes nominated by his teammates for the AFLPA MVP award and was just 2 votes shy of a top 5 placing in the club best and fairest.

This would indicate either:

a) he had a pretty good year
b) Hawthorn's list is fookin' shiite
c) all of the above.

(The correct answer is 'c')

Nah. That moment didn't "sum up" Frost's year. That was the one time when he finally suffered the brainfart which my Demon mates had warned me about. It took 11 rounds. And then finally it happened. I had been waiting for it with baited breath all season.

As each week ticked by, I began to wonder WTF everyone had been talking about. Frost played consistently-good, clanger-free footy.
Finally in Round 11, I saw evidence of what they meant. But that was the only time I saw it.

In the Hawthorn v Carlton game one week prior to that, Patrick "MVP" Cripps committed three similar brainfarts in ONE quarter
Click to expand...

 
HTPunter said:
"he was almost top 5 in our B&F in a bottom 4 side" isn't the strongest defence I've ever heard.
Click to expand...

It means almost 35 guys from just 1 club did worse...

Then include the entire Crows list, Roos list, Swans list, etc.

Its probably the one standout so far. Its not like anyone expected huge things from him and he ended up being a disappointment. You could easily make a list of 50 big names who did that.

But it was a funny write up, which is all that really matters.
 
HairyO said:
It means almost 35 guys from just 1 club did worse...

Then include the entire Crows list, Roos list, Swans list, etc.

Its probably the one standout so far. Its not like anyone expected huge things from him and he ended up being a disappointment. You could easily make a list of 50 big names who did that.

But it was a funny write up, which is all that really matters.
Click to expand...
But seriously, how many individual Kangarooted players would count as a "big name" who ended up being a disappointment? Almost all of them are so anonymous that the only logical entry would be "Assorted Norf Spuds".
 
Bont2Bruce said:
But seriously, how many individual Kangarooted players would count as a "big name" who ended up being a disappointment? Almost all of them are so anonymous that the only logical entry would be "Assorted Norf Spuds".
Click to expand...

Which is kind of the point I made in my post.

There are hundreds of average players who spud it up. The fun list would be the big names who had shockers.

Poppy is 40 years old, missed most of the year due to calcified calves but kicked 3 goals in his final game ever. An unusual choice.
 
HairyO said:
Which is kind of the point I made in my post.

There are hundreds of average players who spud it up. The fun list would be the big names who had shockers.

Poppy is 40 years old, missed most of the year due to calcified calves but kicked 3 goals in his final game ever. An unusual choice.
Click to expand...
But I know who he is, because he used to cause Bruce McAvaney to orgasm on a regular basis. So not that unusual a choice, given he was no longer able to play to that level unless it was his farewell game.
 
HairyO said:
It means almost 35 guys from just 1 club did worse...

Then include the entire Crows list, Roos list, Swans list, etc.

Its probably the one standout so far. Its not like anyone expected huge things from him and he ended up being a disappointment. You could easily make a list of 50 big names who did that.

But it was a funny write up, which is all that really matters.
Click to expand...
Which means there will be several crows, Roos and Swans down the line.
I'm thinking, at the very least Sam Gray and Ben Ronke from the Swans
Aaron Hall from North Melbourne
And their probably will be heaps more from Adelaide.
 
Player #31 - Cale Hooker
1604470208130.png
Pictured: Cale Hooker is happy after a game, so this clearly isn't a final

Cale Hooker is a 32 year old defender who has not (yet) been linked with Hawthorn or Geelong.

It's hard to troll Cale here.... because Fox got in first. When he played his 200th game this year, they actually played this goal:

Fox apologised afterwards, which is something most of Essendon's players should have done this year after their performances.

Much like Lachie Hunter driving after a few UDLs, Cale seems to have hit the wall this year. He managed 8 games this year and a reduction in stats across the board. He just seems to have lost a yard or two in pace and is now taking less marks, after spending the past few years in the top 10-20 league wide for marks. He's cut his disposal numbers by about 40%. Cale still played well against Hawthorn though which is all Essendon supporters really have anymore. Well, that and trade week.

Fortunately for 17 clubs Cale is contracted for next year as the last of a large 5 year deal he signed in 2016, the greatest year of AFL football ever seen. He has not expressed a desire to leave either which is a huge boost for the Bombers, and they're not trying to push him out the door (Eddie and Bucks, take note).

Fun fact: His name is 'Cale' and has used an IV in the past, so he has hipster credibility. He remains the highest paid Hooker in Tullamarine too which sounds like something Borat would be proud of.

Good luck next year Cale and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2020.
 

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