Morning all.
That looming sense of dread and despair you’re feeling right now isn’t the knowledge that one day the Earth will be consumed by the death throes of our own man-made climate change, it just means Richmond are travelling north again to play the Gold Coast Somethings.
I don’t like Queensland. Oh, nothing wrong with the weather, obviously, the people are generally very nice, the scenery’s great, and it’s perfectly set up to extract money from southern tourists – it’s just that that’s all it does. It’s not a football state, and it still feels wrong to be playing Australian Rules up there.
//Things-Were-Better-In-My-Day-Even-If-It-Was-The-Previous-Millenium-Mode Off//
Maybe it’s because I’m certain my slightly awkward Queensland relative Weird Uncle Wallaby will be turning up to the game, still wearing his prized Rod Lester-Smith replica Bears guernsey, still stuffing crayons up his nose, still secure in the knowledge that, having so far spent approximately 500 kajillion dollars propping up one Gold Coast franchise after another for ex-Victorian retirees, the AFL will eventually bestow another premiership or three upon them.
The Franchisees are having a bit of an up-and-down season so far. Their inevitable march to World Domination hit a bit of a speed bump a couple of years ago when it was discovered that all the shiny components of their newly-assembled Team Death Star actually came from a community car boot sale – or the 2010 Draft, as it’s better known. But they have still managed to win a few matches along the way, and this week get to play the game that will inevitably take its traditional pride of place on the annual Gold Coast Season Highlights DVD (It’s Sort-of Like Rugby, And We Promise You’ll Like It – A Bit!) – soon to be available at Op-shops next to the Marcia Hines CDs.
Being the Suns coach is a bit like being Gina Rinehart’s bike saddle – you sit back in the shed, keeping your head down, doing nothing, while assorted Rolls-Royces, jets and thoroughbreds do all the work. Occasionally you get put under severe pressure from the management for not delivering the promised results, and become an object of ridicule and public humiliation. There is no escape, and you will eventually be discarded in a temporary fit of anger and frustration. You just have to hope that you are the lucky one in attendance when the TV networks get tired of waiting and demand a better return from the AFL on their nationwide investment.
Suns Coach
But to be honest, right now Richmond are only a little better. They started out the season like a house on fire, and woke up one morning to find out it was their house and that it had burnt down. Despite having finally unearthed a guaranteed winning strategy (‘Give It To Martin and Get Out Of His Way’), Damien Hardwick has spent much of the year at the Punt Road Project Management Excel Spreadsheet Generator, fine-tuning a complicated gameplan full of KPIs, Design Objectives, Synergies, and Mission Critical Operational Milestones which can basically be summed up into two Execution Metrics:
1) Just bang it forward
2) Don’t be Anthony Miles
Hardwick nevertheless still has:
A) ((the full backing of the Tigers Board))
B) ((complete support of the fanbase))
C) a carpark space at Punt Road
and is expected to sign another extension to ensure the path Richmond stays on is the right path and that the right path is the one Richmond is on. We know it’s the right path, because if it wasn’t the right path, we wouldn’t be on it.
Richmond Strategic Plan
And to be fair, the Tigers are
A) ((safely settled in the eight))
B) ((challenging for Top four))
C) in totally unfamiliar territory on the back of a favourable early draw
so for the moment, it’s Full Steam Ahead with the All-Action, Headlong Rush, Manufacture-Goals-Any-Way-We-Can-Without-Actually-Killing-Our-One-Decent-Forward style. Any minor tweaks after unfortunate losses are not so much in the form of Hardwick re-arranging the deckchairs, but locking himself in the shed, banging out new ones.
Richmond gameplan in operation
You will know the Tigers coach is in trouble when Neil Balme starts attending the after-match press conferences, leaning forward ominously, and saying ‘Mr Hardwick doesn’t like that question’.
Richmond fans will be anxious this weekend – and not just from awaiting the latest blatherings from Dustin Martin’s agent.
There will be a nervous hush at the Guy McKenna Memorial Stadium (well, more hushed than usual) as fans wait to see if a game can finally go according to plans and expectations. (The last time this happened involving Richmond was in 1984 at a pre-season intra-club). I don’t want to unplug anyone’s buzz, but this is a game that only has one result that will be noted – a Richmond loss. Any other outcome will be ignored, brushed aside and forgotten by all who witness it.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote a Masters Thesis in Anthropology where he noted that all stories and narratives can be graphed, and the resulting trajectory is representative of a society and its expectations. From this, the inference drawn is that being a Tigers fan is often like being the main character in Franz Kafka’s seminal work The Metamorphosis(1915). In summary, Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find he has turned into a cockroach. Things get worse, and then he dies. The end.
We shall see.
So, Richmond fans, get ready for an exciting weekend in the Sunshine State. At least it won’t be similar to the bad old days when players like Gary Ablett would regularly beat us single handed. (What? Two of them?? Oh, for god’s sake…..). Anyway, if we win – it’s all rainbows and unicorn farts:
If we lose, well, there’s the identification of the scapegoats,
the ritual social media damning of the entire coaching panel,
and the realization that it’s one week closer to the return of Better Homes and Gardens to Friday Night prime time.
Anyway – Richmond to win by 77 points. What’s the point of predictions if you just choose what's likely to happen?
Note: If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, or are merely a hapless Richmond fan, support services are available to help. Dan Murphys, BWS and Liquorland counselors are in your area, waiting for your call.
That looming sense of dread and despair you’re feeling right now isn’t the knowledge that one day the Earth will be consumed by the death throes of our own man-made climate change, it just means Richmond are travelling north again to play the Gold Coast Somethings.
I don’t like Queensland. Oh, nothing wrong with the weather, obviously, the people are generally very nice, the scenery’s great, and it’s perfectly set up to extract money from southern tourists – it’s just that that’s all it does. It’s not a football state, and it still feels wrong to be playing Australian Rules up there.
//Things-Were-Better-In-My-Day-Even-If-It-Was-The-Previous-Millenium-Mode Off//
Maybe it’s because I’m certain my slightly awkward Queensland relative Weird Uncle Wallaby will be turning up to the game, still wearing his prized Rod Lester-Smith replica Bears guernsey, still stuffing crayons up his nose, still secure in the knowledge that, having so far spent approximately 500 kajillion dollars propping up one Gold Coast franchise after another for ex-Victorian retirees, the AFL will eventually bestow another premiership or three upon them.
The Franchisees are having a bit of an up-and-down season so far. Their inevitable march to World Domination hit a bit of a speed bump a couple of years ago when it was discovered that all the shiny components of their newly-assembled Team Death Star actually came from a community car boot sale – or the 2010 Draft, as it’s better known. But they have still managed to win a few matches along the way, and this week get to play the game that will inevitably take its traditional pride of place on the annual Gold Coast Season Highlights DVD (It’s Sort-of Like Rugby, And We Promise You’ll Like It – A Bit!) – soon to be available at Op-shops next to the Marcia Hines CDs.
Being the Suns coach is a bit like being Gina Rinehart’s bike saddle – you sit back in the shed, keeping your head down, doing nothing, while assorted Rolls-Royces, jets and thoroughbreds do all the work. Occasionally you get put under severe pressure from the management for not delivering the promised results, and become an object of ridicule and public humiliation. There is no escape, and you will eventually be discarded in a temporary fit of anger and frustration. You just have to hope that you are the lucky one in attendance when the TV networks get tired of waiting and demand a better return from the AFL on their nationwide investment.
Suns Coach
But to be honest, right now Richmond are only a little better. They started out the season like a house on fire, and woke up one morning to find out it was their house and that it had burnt down. Despite having finally unearthed a guaranteed winning strategy (‘Give It To Martin and Get Out Of His Way’), Damien Hardwick has spent much of the year at the Punt Road Project Management Excel Spreadsheet Generator, fine-tuning a complicated gameplan full of KPIs, Design Objectives, Synergies, and Mission Critical Operational Milestones which can basically be summed up into two Execution Metrics:
1) Just bang it forward
2) Don’t be Anthony Miles
Hardwick nevertheless still has:
A) ((the full backing of the Tigers Board))
B) ((complete support of the fanbase))
C) a carpark space at Punt Road
and is expected to sign another extension to ensure the path Richmond stays on is the right path and that the right path is the one Richmond is on. We know it’s the right path, because if it wasn’t the right path, we wouldn’t be on it.
Richmond Strategic Plan
And to be fair, the Tigers are
A) ((safely settled in the eight))
B) ((challenging for Top four))
C) in totally unfamiliar territory on the back of a favourable early draw
so for the moment, it’s Full Steam Ahead with the All-Action, Headlong Rush, Manufacture-Goals-Any-Way-We-Can-Without-Actually-Killing-Our-One-Decent-Forward style. Any minor tweaks after unfortunate losses are not so much in the form of Hardwick re-arranging the deckchairs, but locking himself in the shed, banging out new ones.
Richmond gameplan in operation
You will know the Tigers coach is in trouble when Neil Balme starts attending the after-match press conferences, leaning forward ominously, and saying ‘Mr Hardwick doesn’t like that question’.
Richmond fans will be anxious this weekend – and not just from awaiting the latest blatherings from Dustin Martin’s agent.
There will be a nervous hush at the Guy McKenna Memorial Stadium (well, more hushed than usual) as fans wait to see if a game can finally go according to plans and expectations. (The last time this happened involving Richmond was in 1984 at a pre-season intra-club). I don’t want to unplug anyone’s buzz, but this is a game that only has one result that will be noted – a Richmond loss. Any other outcome will be ignored, brushed aside and forgotten by all who witness it.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote a Masters Thesis in Anthropology where he noted that all stories and narratives can be graphed, and the resulting trajectory is representative of a society and its expectations. From this, the inference drawn is that being a Tigers fan is often like being the main character in Franz Kafka’s seminal work The Metamorphosis(1915). In summary, Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find he has turned into a cockroach. Things get worse, and then he dies. The end.
We shall see.
So, Richmond fans, get ready for an exciting weekend in the Sunshine State. At least it won’t be similar to the bad old days when players like Gary Ablett would regularly beat us single handed. (What? Two of them?? Oh, for god’s sake…..). Anyway, if we win – it’s all rainbows and unicorn farts:
If we lose, well, there’s the identification of the scapegoats,
the ritual social media damning of the entire coaching panel,
and the realization that it’s one week closer to the return of Better Homes and Gardens to Friday Night prime time.
Anyway – Richmond to win by 77 points. What’s the point of predictions if you just choose what's likely to happen?
Note: If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, or are merely a hapless Richmond fan, support services are available to help. Dan Murphys, BWS and Liquorland counselors are in your area, waiting for your call.
Ophidian Old Boys
