Toast The Official Kurt Tippett Celebrity Roast

[SydCrow]

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the official KT celebrity roast, or as I like to call him TurnKurt.

It's great to see all of Kurt's friends and admirer's here. Weren't we were lucky to find an empty phone box at such short notice?

We were going to begin the show with "Kurt Tippett - Every Point of His Career" but we only have two hours.

 

[Geoffa32]

Tippets Tip number 4

"Home is where your bank account gets filled up the most"

 

[swanfan]

He would have dropped this too

 

[SydCrow]

Have you heard about the new KT loyalty card?

Scores you points every week for five years and then you trade it in for nothing!

 

[headache1]

If I had a million dollars for every good game I played, then I'd be Kurt Tippett.

 

[Cap]

What is the difference between Kurt Tippet and a bag of shit? A bag of shit has trade value.

 

[SydCrow]

Hey Kurt has a new celebrity cookbook out. It's called "Feeding Your Family For $1 million A Year"

 

[bobshoby]

Someone needs to make a Sister Act poster with the Tippett boys

 

[Schulzycrow]

Kurt Tip$tick to star in Jerry Maguire 2. SHOW ME SOME MORE MONEY!

 

[Brenton Davy]

Who?????

 

[Stinger...]

Brokeback Mountain starring Kurt & Joel Tippett

 

[Don Muraco]

There’s no middle ground with $kirt—you either hate him or detest him.
He's one of the most colorful personalities I know. He's green with envy, and there's a yellow streak down his back.

 

[Firewalker]

$Kurt Tippett
Sydney Swans 2013 Profile

Nickname
"Money Bags"

Favourite Thing About Football?
Enables me to get paid a stack load of money I don't deserve
for simply being a glorified basketball convert turncoat.

Career Highlight
Getting the Crows and now the Swans to pay me a ridiculous sum of
money for little to no output over long term multi-million dollar deals.

Things you would like to achieve at the Swans
I Hope I don't get hit in the head so I can be paid the full
amount of my contract stipulated by my manager Peter Blucher

Things we don't know about you
I don't actually eat any Balfours products they just paid me a stack
of cash to do ads for them

Favourite Song
Money For Nothing - Dire Straights

Favourite Movie
Jerry Maguire

 

[ltdamn]

Kurt Tippett is a shit bloke.

amidoinitrite?

 

[Danoz]

Kurt Tippett walks into a bar. He gets concussed and claims his 4 year $4m contract as work cover.

 

[Danoz]

Candles. One puff and he's out.

 

[Danoz]

Kurt Tippett walks into a bar.

Bartender (John Longmire) says "why the long face?"

Kurt says "I wanted to know why they call you horse".

 

[RichardMarx]

What is the difference between Kurt Tippet and a bag of shit? A bag of shit has trade value.

The bag?

 

[OrdinaryJoel]

Some of these jokes are good! But some are just plain lame!

 

[Stinger...]

Some of these jokes are good! But some are just plain lame!

Bit like big bad Kurtly ay

 

[The Sloane Ranger]

a turd is a turd no matter how much you try and polish it

 

[SydCrow]

Kurt is on his way out of the AFC clubrooms having collected his last sack of cash, when an attractive woman gets into the lift with him. She is wearing a Crows jumper with a number 4 on the back.

"Kurt, I am your biggest fan, I have followed your career since you arrived here as a skinny kid who couldn't even kick. I love everything about you, your wonky run up, your funny hunchback, your recipes. I know that you are leaving and I don't even blame you. But before you go I'd like to give you oral sex, right here in the lift".

Kurt looks down at her and says:

"OK, but what's in it for me?"

 

[BLPC08]

A Genie says to Kurt Tippett "I will grant you one wish".
Kurt thinks for a moment, then responds with "i'd like to become the best Full-Forward in the AFL".

The Genie replies, "i'm sorry Kurt, all of the magic in the world couldn't help you do that. You'll have to pick something else".

Kurt thinks for a moment, then responds with "ok, i'd like to be forgiven by the Adelaide Football Club and my former team-mates after leaving them for more money".

The Genie replies, "what was that first wish again?"

 

[Don Muraco]

In for a week and out for a month
In for a week and out for a month
In for a week and out for a month
Tippett is a tampon
(sung to Donald wheres your trousers)

 

[Swanhotels]

haha this page is gold! Poor Kurt imagine what you lot are going to do to him when the Swans play at AAMI! That will be amazing to watch!