Event S30 Rookie “Torch of the Year” Award [Rising Star]

[GremioPower]

We are not going to publish this often, but we decided it would be good to show you how the Torch Ladder looks like after R1.

 

[Genghis Tron]

We are not going to publish this often, but we decided it would be good to show you how the Torch Ladder looks like after R1.
View attachment 927735

What does the purple indicate?

 

[GremioPower]

What does the purple indicate?

Not-qualified match-thread winner.

 

[Genghis Tron]

Not-qualified match-thread winner.

I should find all the pages I have the S29 RS award stats written on. Pages and pages, most double sided, poorly written, poorly formatted, not ordered... It would give you nerd rookies conniptions.

But good work with all these spreadsheets. Very arousing.

 

[guero]

The best posters this week have been announced. They have set the match threads on fire, but only one will get the "Torch of the Year" nomination for Round 1.

Who should the Committee's pick this week?

You poor bastard. I can only imagine how mind numbing it must be reading through every match thread, sifting through the reams of trash posts to decide which rookie poster was the least bad. And you're not putting yourself through this just once, but every goddamn week. You're like a friggin' martyr man. Kudos to you GP, you've earned my respect.

 

[GremioPower]

With the Gun solved, the Committee's attention has turned onto the Torch.



Again, this might take a while. Please, be patient...

 

[Barrybran]

With the Gun solved, the Committee's attention has turned onto the Torch.



Again, this might take a while. Please, be patient...

It's Thursday and you haven't even sorted out Round 1? I got further than this on my own.

 

[GremioPower]

It's Thursday and you haven't even sorted out Round 1? I got further than this on my own.

Alone is faster, but less entertaining!

 

[GremioPower]

"WHY SHOULD THIS ROOKIE BE THE TORCH?!"
​

It was asked for Committee members to justify their choices of match thread winners. This is not only helping us choosing the Torch this week, but it is also a reference for all the rookies on what it is expected from them in the match threads.

This is what it was said about each one of them:


PMBangers

Spoiler: PMBangers (HAW)

The season started with a "Bang." Literally! PMBangers was by far the most vocal of the S30 rookies in his opening round match thread. He threw out 74 posts over the week. It wasn't just quantity as well, there was some quality in there. Here's some initiative that he used:
"Are we following COVID protocols or can I bring a stripper in pre game?"

His diet is questionable:
"oh mate was waiting for someone to ask a large original tenders box (Pepsi max for the drink, gotta be healthy fellas), 3 additional tenders, added slider and usually whoo the person serving me for an extra 2 free garlic aioli sauces Head to your local KFC and ask for a "Banger Box", they'll get the message"

He also wasn't shy in throwing fellow rookie 11kgm under the bus:
"Dear philreich, 11kgm has too many goals, please remove 3. P.S. I am NOT a crackpot"

A word of warning, though. Andrew Gaff reference?! That's deliberate high contact-high impact hit. Watch out! Regardless, it was a pretty solid first round outing from PMBangers.

guero

Spoiler: guero (LVB)

It's only Round 1, but guero has already had quite an impact on the Bears, having been snaffled from the Eagles board. So what have we learnt about him this far?

Well, if you are looking for a Torch nominee who:
- loves a haiku
- loves bear gifs
- loves a react
- is sh*t at werewolf (see: "guero has been killed N1")
- knows his own worth (see: "But because it's me we're talking about quality is pretty much guaranteed.")
- loves the low-hanging fruit (see: "Just as long as [your bath] doesn't get milky." )

Then guero is the man for you. With 68 high-quality posts and already planning a double act with Dero, why not voting guero?!

Mister M

Spoiler: Mister M (FUR)

What qualities are required to win the Torch? Let me count the ways, by highlighting just a few of Mister M's, an ex-Vampire, 65 posts – all before the intimidating face of the Bombers:

Modesty: "So which of you will come second to me in the EKA this season?"
Insight: "Are you a bit flustered that your 5 rookies have shown less ability combined than I have so far this week?"
Self-awareness: "My real Trombone may be smaller and less shinier."
Team player: "The elections for Treasurer of the Bastyy fan club are being held on Thursday @ 9pm in Hippodrome car park. Currently I’m running unopposed, but it would be great to see some of you there."
Extroverted: "Lads!!! How am I expected to get from TittyBong to Abdu Prison? Can I grab a lift with someone---- I've still got a goon headache. Those twins partied hard over the weekend."
Results-oriented: "1 : 24.2 {rHBF} - Great bump by Mister M. Tony Lynn 15 has not moved" and "3 : 17.03 {rHBF} - Mister M drags Tony Lynn 15 down beautifully."
Motivating: "Furies—- maybe we need to give some dating lessons to this shambles they call a Qooty club this week while we’re visiting the Prison."

It was a great start. No surprise Mister M is becoming a Furies favourite so fast.

Supersuns

Spoiler: Supersuns (ROY)

It was pretty clear that Supersuns fitted into the SFA immediately. If this is isn't the preparation Archetype SFA player I don't know what is:
"I did something similar. Got home at 4pm, sat on the couch and fell asleep. Then ordered a KFC family burger box, polished that off in a matter of mere minutes, put a 16 leg multi on the Lions and Bombers and then fell asleep before it even started. We are very alike"

He then followed up with this on game day morning:
"Just woke up off the back of 400 beers at the pub last night. Got some kebabs on the way, I am feeling good. I am in full form. Let's get this Roys!!!"

Supersuns was matched up perfectly and let his opponent know:
"I am a fridges natural predator. Its only fair I win every encounter"

And after he got the better of him he was very classy in his post match boasting:
"25 touches, 1 goal, 17 stubbies, 3 pies and a hotdog. Im happy with my performance today"

As I've said, I think Supersuns will win a lot of friends in the SFA quickly with a likable sharp wit and his self-deprecating humor. His clever opposition put-downs were funny and playful, and he is a good fit for the Roys. I like the cur of his jib.

VandoHawk

Spoiler: VandoHawk (DRA)

Only one S30 rookie produced match thread posts in the triples digits in Round 1, and that was VandoHawk with an impressive 108 of them.

Vando hit the ground running in his debut match, and put together a witty array of barbs as he sparred with the Wonders (mainly old mate SSwans2011):
"SSwans2011 I wanted to have a chat with you about some of the concerning behaviour you've been exhibiting in your posts. I'm worried about you. I understand there's a lot of pressure on your shoulders. The Wonders lost their best posters in the offseason and are relying on posters like you to pick up the slack. It's a daunting task that causes a lot of stress and everyone has their own methods of coping. Some like SweetD don't break stride. Others like Grand Uncle Horace rebrand themselves as the local paedophile. It's all part of the coping process. In multiple posts, you've been attacking the Dragons for being bland and boring. Yet your own posts follow the same predictable structure with little to no variation. They're long and end up saying the exact same thing.

Projecting your own insecurities is a common coping mechanism for the stress you're experiencing. It's understandable. The glory days are gone and you're worried about the dip in quality. But your posting habits have become repetitive and you're just padding your post count. This isn't you! I recommend getting out of your current environment. There’s too much pressure – the quality of your work is being impacted and the strategy you’ve adopted is making things worse. Falling short of finding another team I would take a rest from the SFA."

He bonded with his fellow S30 rookies:
"They’ve [the Wonders] got a few good eggs. The problem is they’re stale - no fresh ideas. They’re desperate for young talent but there’s basically nothing there. I pity Elmer_Judd, a lot of pressure on his shoulders. "

Made friends with MWPP, who was in the thread for some reason.
"Could you actually imagine playing Quidditch though? sh*t would be dope."

Got chiefed by a SFA legend:
"Also I just realised ClarkeM you called me chief. Hard language dude, not called for."

And also found time to educate Grand Uncle Horace on Bronies:
"There was a show (could still being going, not sure) called My Little Pony. It was a kids show aimed at younger girls about talking magic ponies. For some reason it gained a really big following among middle aged men and the term brony was coined. And because the internet likes to sexualise literally everything the brony fetish was born."

A solid showing in your first match thread, indeed. VandoHawk has set the bar high for the S30 rookie crop.

 

[GremioPower]

Oh, boy! It's not over yet. The votes are getting in, and...

 

[Tonga Bob]

Hi all, and welcome to the first Torch of the Year nomination for this season!



For those joining us late, the Torch nominates the rookie whose match thread body of work was adjudged by the Rising Star committee as being the most worthy, both in terms of quality and quantity (mainly quality though). The Gun on the other hand nominates the rookie whose on-field qooty prowess stood out from the rest of the cohort. As we know, guero took out the Gun nomination this week, will he do the double or will one of the other rookies shitpost their way to stardom? Well I'm both pleased and relieved to announce that the committee have made their decision, so in the words of that other bloke who spends a lot of time on an island, "I'll go tally the votes".



Bear cub guero did give the double a shake combining haikus, bravado, self-promotion and bear gifs. Young Dragon VandoHawk took a chiefing in his stride and excelled in both breadth of topics (quiddich, bronies) and depth of posts. He was the only rookie to crack the ton too - not always something to aspire to but when you have a moving target like SSwans2011 you're gonna spray some shots. Speaking of moving targets, kid Fury Mister M had a tough assignment first up with an away trip to Abdu Prison but acquitted himself well against the Babylonian hoardes. And young Roy (an oxymoron if ever I heard one) Supersuns set his stall out early in a performance that caught the eye of the committee - mind you his stall was groaning with the weight of fast food and beer. I dare say that we will hear more from these kids, along with some others making their presence felt in the SFA, before too long. But not today.

Today belongs to East Side Hawks rookie PMBangers, who has come away with the inaugual Torch of the Year nomination! From Covid protocols for strippers to Banger boxes to cutting teammates' lunches, Bangs truly spanned the genres.


I sat down with PMBangers and his captain Agent93 and discussed the nomination. First up I spoke with the Hawks' skipper:

Bob: Hey there A93. Well done to you & the team on a sterling opening match thread, and looks like you've unearthed some great new talent! How does it feel to have one of you recruits nominated for the Torch of the Week?

Agent93: Hey there Bonga. I'm still jaded that 11kgm was shafted in Gun of the Week, plus I'm scared at over the prospect of the unchecked multiplication of awards. We're looking at pandemic proportions now so everyone wear a god damned mask.

Bob: I hear ya mate. Filthy mouth breathers! Congrats on getting PMBangers to the Hawks. Where did you find them, and how are they settling in?

Agent93: Loonerty nabbed him from a Discord server somewhere. Turns out he's also a bit of a lurker on the drafts board where he make several inaccurate predictions each year. As for settling in, he appears to have taken the pleasantry "make yourself at home" too seriously and gone and stolen Biggie's favourite chair.

Bob: Deep down we're all lurkers. What has his posting style been like?

Agent93: A mullet. A good one though, where he just lets whatever has recently hit him in the frontal cortex flow, no matter how inappropriate or weird the subject matter may be.

Bob: Nice one. Speaking of, you're sporting a ripper mullet there too! What other young’uns have you brought to the club, and are there any rookies from other teams that you wish you had gotten your hands on whose posting you enjoy?

Agent93: We've got a super rookie in SM who appears to have all the tools to give the EKA a shake. Also lining up is the aforementioned 11kgm whose 4 goals after starting in BP has him in line for the Fred at end of season. 11kgm is slowly getting into the match thread thing but definitely loves the the sim output and the associated bragging rights.

We took swings at Muddiemoose and tony in the off-season at the recommendation of current Hawks and former Serpents LG members NinjaSwan and The Jesus but that wasn't to be. I haven't had a lot of free time to keep tabs on how they're doing but I'm sure MWPP and the Bears will treat them well.

Cheers A93! Now over to the Hawk of the Hour:

Bob: Hello Bangs. Congratulations on receiving the inaugural Torch of the Week nomination. You were head and shoulders above the other rookies in the thread, and stacked up nicely across the group! What path did you take to get to the SFA, and where did you first hear about it?

PMBangers: First off, thanks for selecting me, it's about time I got the recognition I deserved. I've known Loonerty for a while now, I think he was one of my mum's long list of boyfriends or something, but I had mentioned I saw the SFA board previously and he said if I was going to join it was gonna have to be the hawks so it just made sense to come and join him.

Bob: Spoken like a true rookie! What are your first impressions of the place? Are A93 the Hawks looking after you?

PMBangers: Big fan of it, been a pest all my life so to find somewhere that it's been encouraged and even applauded is pretty good for the ego. The hawks are looking after me well, very welcoming environment with a lot of mentors about the place like Golumless and Chipmunk.

Bob: How do you prepare for a match thread?

PMBangers: I always put my socks on before my shoes and pants, eat a good healthy breakfast, then do a bit of observing of the more senior members of the team to see how I need to approach it. Loon usually gives me a quick rundown on what the team we're facing is like so I know the sore spots I can hit, so I go from there with it.

Bob: What would you like to achieve off field during your SFA career? Have you ventured into the world of media yet?

PMBangers: I'm hoping to be trusted with organising team functions and end of season trips at some stage, and really help the boys lift their performance in those areas. I like to think I've already had a big impact with imposing the 'No undies around the club' rule and the 3 drink minimum before entering the match threads. Media has always interested me, I can make a sh*t meme as sh*t as anyone.

Bob: Can't we all [turns to camera and winks]. Have there been any other teams that have stood out for you in the match threads or posters that you like the look of?

PMBangers: I haven't ventured into any other match threads, I'm trying to keep my focus purely on my game for the week. Of the non-hawks posters I have come across Doctor Colossus has given me a few chuckles.

Bob: Have you clashed with teams, or have found a nemesis yet?

PMBangers: These Baghdad Bombers boys showing their respect for 'quantity over quality' has been interesting this week, real Tom Mitchell about it.

Not sure about nemesis, everyone seems to take it pretty light-hearted so I'm still looking for a stick in the mud, maybe SweetD will throw some proper spicy shitposts at me when our paths cross.



Thanks Bangs, congrats again and here's your miniature novelty trophy. Happy shitposting for the rest of the season.

There you have it, the round one Torch is squared away. Who will be the next nominee? Come back next week to find out.

 

[PMBangers]

When Agent93 talks more about the other rookies on the team than you

 

[Agent93]

When Agent93 talks more about the other rookies on the team than you

That SM is a real up and comer.

 

[Chipmunk]

Congrats PMBangers !

 

[serial_thrilla]

That SM is a real up and comer.

Geez, I must have missed him on the list of rookies I compiled. I'll go add him now: surely he's a lock for next round.

 

[Santoz]

Geez, I must have missed him on the list of rookies I compiled. I'll go add him now: surely he's a lock for next round.

Not in the Gun thread.

Lining up alongside me on Sunday.

 

[GremioPower]

ROUND 2
THE NOMINEES

​

BOM-HAW, Kilroy (BOM)

"Kilroy is the class act in the Bombers-Hawks game; consistent through the week."

GCR-ROY, Supersuns (ROY)

"Once again, Supersuns!"

LVB-WON, Muddiemoose (LVB)

"He was unBEARable leading the rookie pack this week."

GUM-DEM, omgfridge (GUM)

"OMG easily won; solid performance."

DRA-CIW, VandoHawk (DRA)

"Tough call, but Vando's quality was a touch better. He showed more originality in the thread."

FUR-SCS, Mister M (FUR)

"Definitely a 5-pointer; a deserving winner."

---

WHO IS GOING TO BE R2'S “TORCH”?​

 

[Supersuns]

ROUND 2
THE NOMINEES

​

BOM-HAW, Kilroy (BOM)

"Kilroy is the class act in the Bombers-Hawks game; consistent through the week."

GCR-ROY, Supersuns (ROY)

"Once again, Supersuns!"

LVB-WON, Muddiemoose (LVB)

"He was unBEARable leading the rookie pack this week."

GUM-DEM, omgfridge (GUM)

"OMG easily won; solid performance."

DRA-CIW, VandoHawk (DRA)

"Tough call, but Vando's quality was a touch better. He showed more originality in the thread."

FUR-SCS, Mister M (FUR)

"Definitely a 5-pointer; a deserving winner."

---

WHO IS GOING TO BE R2'S “TORCH”?​

Go omgfridge!!

 

[GremioPower]

tony, guero, Muddiemoose

 

[Muddiemoose]

tony, guero, Muddiemoose

We bears always roll deep

 

[GremioPower]

We bears always roll deep

I just need to decide who’s Griz, Panda, and Ice.

 

[Agent93]

tony, guero, Muddiemoose

So what you're saying is one of them is not really a Bear?

 

[GremioPower]

So what you're saying is one of them is not really a Bear?

Well, they are “Bare Bears,” after all. It’s close enough, though.

 

[guero]

I just need to decide who’s Griz, Panda, and Ice.

The tails on Griz and Ice just look weird. So I'll be Panda thanks. He's clearly the sexiest, which I'm sure we'd all agree is like art imitating life. And he has a giant arse. Griz has a massive arse too, so I think that's tony. So Muddiemoose is the relatively narrow-arsed Ice.

 

[guero]

So what you're saying is one of them is not really a Bear?

What are you on about campaigner? The science is settled.