Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

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[Loony Juice]

 

[bomberclifford]

My doctor told me it was normal to cum during a prostate exam.

Still would have preferred he didn't.

 

[philreich]

Man says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies, "I'd take half, and leave you."

He says, "Great: I won $12. Here's $6 - please stay in touch."

 

[Loony Juice]

At work one day, got a text from the missus, who has put on a bit of weight 'Got a HOT surprise for you, hurry home, I'm horny'
So I raced around like a mad man trying to get things done so I could get home for the surprise.
Everything seemed to take twice as long as it should. Finally get out of work, ready to race home.
She rang on the drive home 'hurry up, you'll love the surprise I have for you' which only frustrated me more 'Give me a hint' I said. 'Crotchless panties' was the reply
Got home, pulled up, raced inside to the bedroom, stopped dead. 'What's this' I said 'Crotchless panties just for you' she purred.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that the crotchless panties was actually one of my tank tops.

 

[philreich]

Scientists have just completed a study into the effects of alcohol on walking. The result was staggering.

 

[killtaker1993]

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters".

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says "Alright officer, we'll do it"

 

[philreich]

I just broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend. We just couldn't see eye to eye. It's OK though - I think she was seeing someone on the side.

 

[Loony Juice]

Bloke downs a double vodka, and another, then orders another.
Barman asks 'What's up mate?'
Bloke says 'Came home early from work and caught my wife flucking my best mate'
Barman says 'That's no good, what did you do?'
Bloke says 'I told her to pack her things get the hell out'
Barman 'What about your best friend?'
Bloke 'I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG'

 

[philreich]

A woman has just been convicted of the murder of her 3 husbands. The first two killings were carried out by feeding them poisoned mushrooms, and the third with a baseball bat. Before passing sentence, the judge says to the prisoner, "Why did you kill your third husband with a baseball bat?"

The woman replies, "Because he refused to eat the mushrooms."

 

[Loony Juice]

 

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