Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Loony Juice]

 

[killtaker1993]

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise? Cross Fit

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

I was listening to the radio this morning, when the host invited listeners to call in, and share the nicknames they have for their wives. The winning entry came from a man who said that he calls his wife, "Harvey Norman."

When the host asked why this was so, the man replied, "Absolutely no interest for 48 months."

 

[Loony Juice]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450, or $5400 annually. Not accounting for inflation, you have spent $108,000 in the last 20 years! That money could 've been put into an investment account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you would now have enough money to buy a Ferrari.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

 

[Loony Juice]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two. The trick is getting them inside the bulb.

 

[Loony Juice]

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"

Wife- "Why don't you wear silver, It would be nice If you came second for a change."

 

[Loony Juice]

A person was rushed to hospital after stuffing 7 toy horses into their rectal cavity

Their condition is stable

 

[Loony Juice]

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the second, "What did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

 

[Loony Juice]

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of auto correct has passed away

The funnel will be held tomato

 

[Loony Juice]

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Cuzz09]

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"

Wife- "Why don't you wear silver, It would be nice If you came second for a change."

I first read this as special olympic condoms.

Could have been a very different punchline

On SM-G925I using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[StuMan]

 

[philreich]

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 

[wannabejack]

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Half way through this I realised that I'd already read it!

 

[philreich]

In news just in, it's just come to light that 5 out of every 4 people are crap at maths.

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Loony Juice]

 

[Grave Danger]