Official Team Thread Las Vegas Bears S38 Official Team Thread ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ 🎰 Now Hibernating

[tony]

After last week’s 13 goal drubbing at the hands of the Royals, the Bears were determined to put on a show for the home fans in Las Vegas. With two milestones to celebrate, @kane249’s 350th game and Electronic_Renaissance's 100th game, the team was keen to deliver a performance worthy of the occasion.

The 1st quarter began with a bang, as Matera92 wasted no time, slotting a goal in the opening minute. The Gumbies quickly replied with two of their own, but Matera, clearly in the mood to impress his Bash Brother Kane, fired back with two more goals to snatch the lead back for the Bears by a solitary point. Now, Matera, if you're still reading, you might want to close your eyes because, from this point on, your performance was more Wally Matera than Peter Matera

Peter Matera

Age

55

Ht

183cm

Wt

89kg

Pos.

Fwd

Career

Season

Last 5

D

18.8

5star

K

14.0

5star

HB

4.9

4star

M

3.6

4star

T

2.4

4star

G

0.9

4star

No current season stats available

D

12.2

3star

K

9.0

4star

HB

3.2

3star

M

3.2

4star

T

0.6

3star

G

0.6

3star

. Meanwhile, Art Vandelay_, sensing that you’d clocked off for the day and were already eyeing up the post game snacks, decided it was time to grab the spotlight. He swooped in like a seagull at a hot chip stand, bagging a goal to put the Bears ahead by 7 points. But just as we were ready to breathe, the Gumbies sneaked in a goal on the siren, cutting our quarter time lead to a mere point.

The 2nd quarter started promisingly with JoseMourinho kicking the opening goal. Midway through the term, Kane, who had been shifted into the ruck, charged forward to celebrate his 350th game in style with a goal of his own. Chipmunk, perhaps inspired by Kane’s example, then added another to give the Bears their biggest lead of the match. Unfortunately, our accuracy in front of goal took a bit of a holiday, four straight behinds allowed the Gumbies to close the gap, and by half time, we were clinging to a slender 2 point lead.

The 3rd quarter was where things got nervy. The Gumbies dominated possession but their accuracy went completely awry, managing 2.7 for the quarter. For our part, Art Vandelay, who had been pretty quiet up until now, picked the perfect moment to step up, kicking two crucial goals to keep us in the game. Just before the three quarter time siren, MWPP added a timely major, putting the Bears back in front by 2 points heading into the final term.

Then came the 4th quarter, an absolute rollercoaster and a feast for goal hungry fans. It rained goals, 14 straight in a shootout to end all shootouts. The Gumbies managed to hit the front twice, but each time, Art Vandelay responded to put us back in the lead. After his last go ahead goal, the Bears decided enough was enough. MKMatty, CountryLad, and RonnieRaven kicked a trio of quick goals to stretch the lead to 20 points, our biggest margin of the game. The Gumbies nabbed the final goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop us from claiming a 14 point victory.

So, we’re now sitting at 3 wins and 2 losses for the season, still holding onto the league's second worst percentage thanks to our earlier thrashings. We’re perched in 6th position on the ladder, and next up is the undefeated Demons. Time to see if we can hand them their first taste of defeat.

Stats wise, Chipmunk led the way with 33 disposals and a goal, while Shadow Man was right behind with 32 disposals, 6 tackles, and 5 free kicks for. Fat Tony got rolling with 27 touches and 8 marks. kane249 celebrated his 350th game with 25 disposals, 11 hitouts, and a goal. SSSSSS chipped in with 23 touches, and Cap gathered 22 disposals. MKMatty rounded out the disposals tally with 21.

In front of goal, Art Vandelay_ was the star, kicking 6 majors, including 5 crucial goals in the 2nd half when it mattered most. Matera92 kicked the opening 3 goals for the Bears before deciding it was time for an early nap. JoseMourinho and MWPP slotted 2 each, while Chipmunk, CountryLad, kane249, MKMatty, and RonnieRaven all chipped in with singles.



Congratulations to kane249 & Electronic_Renaissance on your respective milestones.


Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

 

[Matera92]

View attachment 2095198

After last week’s 13 goal drubbing at the hands of the Royals, the Bears were determined to put on a show for the home fans in Las Vegas. With two milestones to celebrate, @kane249’s 350th game and Electronic_Renaissance's 100th game, the team was keen to deliver a performance worthy of the occasion.

The 1st quarter began with a bang, as Matera92 wasted no time, slotting a goal in the opening minute. The Gumbies quickly replied with two of their own, but Matera, clearly in the mood to impress his Bash Brother Kane, fired back with two more goals to snatch the lead back for the Bears by a solitary point. Now, Matera, if you're still reading, you might want to close your eyes because, from this point on, your performance was more Wally Matera than Peter Matera. Meanwhile, Art Vandelay_, sensing that you’d clocked off for the day and were already eyeing up the post game snacks, decided it was time to grab the spotlight. He swooped in like a seagull at a hot chip stand, bagging a goal to put the Bears ahead by 7 points. But just as we were ready to breathe, the Gumbies sneaked in a goal on the siren, cutting our quarter time lead to a mere point.

The 2nd quarter started promisingly with JoseMourinho kicking the opening goal. Midway through the term, Kane, who had been shifted into the ruck, charged forward to celebrate his 350th game in style with a goal of his own. Chipmunk, perhaps inspired by Kane’s example, then added another to give the Bears their biggest lead of the match. Unfortunately, our accuracy in front of goal took a bit of a holiday, four straight behinds allowed the Gumbies to close the gap, and by half time, we were clinging to a slender 2 point lead.

The 3rd quarter was where things got nervy. The Gumbies dominated possession but their accuracy went completely awry, managing 2.7 for the quarter. For our part, Art Vandelay, who had been pretty quiet up until now, picked the perfect moment to step up, kicking two crucial goals to keep us in the game. Just before the three quarter time siren, MWPP added a timely major, putting the Bears back in front by 2 points heading into the final term.

Then came the 4th quarter, an absolute rollercoaster and a feast for goal hungry fans. It rained goals, 14 straight in a shootout to end all shootouts. The Gumbies managed to hit the front twice, but each time, Art Vandelay responded to put us back in the lead. After his last go ahead goal, the Bears decided enough was enough. MKMatty, CountryLad, and RonnieRaven kicked a trio of quick goals to stretch the lead to 20 points, our biggest margin of the game. The Gumbies nabbed the final goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop us from claiming a 14 point victory.

So, we’re now sitting at 3 wins and 2 losses for the season, still holding onto the league's second worst percentage thanks to our earlier thrashings. We’re perched in 6th position on the ladder, and next up is the undefeated Demons. Time to see if we can hand them their first taste of defeat.

Stats wise, Chipmunk led the way with 33 disposals and a goal, while Shadow Man was right behind with 32 disposals, 6 tackles, and 5 free kicks for. Fat Tony got rolling with 27 touches and 8 marks. kane249 celebrated his 350th game with 25 disposals, 11 hitouts, and a goal. SSSSSS chipped in with 23 touches, and Cap gathered 22 disposals. MKMatty rounded out the disposals tally with 21.

In front of goal, Art Vandelay_ was the star, kicking 6 majors, including 5 crucial goals in the 2nd half when it mattered most. Matera92 kicked the opening 3 goals for the Bears before deciding it was time for an early nap. JoseMourinho and MWPP slotted 2 each, while Chipmunk, CountryLad, kane249, MKMatty, and RonnieRaven all chipped in with singles.

View attachment 2095202

Congratulations to kane249 & Electronic_Renaissance on your respective milestones.

View attachment 2095209
Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

Carried you flogs for the first quarter, if you want a four quarter performance you need to quadruple the pay.

 

[SSSSSS]

Carried you flogs for the first quarter, if you want a four quarter performance you need to quadruple the pay.

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

Shit, it's usually not until their third season that the rookies work it out.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Carried you flogs for the first quarter, if you want a four quarter performance you need to quadruple the pay.

4 x 0 = 0

 

[Matera92]

4 x 0 = 0

That the amount of your Mateflons?

 

[Art Vandelay_]

That the amount of your Mateflons?

So you admit I should have 4 of them.
Records will be amended shortly.

 

[Matera92]

So you admit I should have 4 of them.
Records will be amended shortly.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Art waiting for this week's game review. Should have some juicy deets I reckon.

 

[tony]

Carried you flogs for the first quarter, if you want a four quarter performance you need to quadruple the pay.

Did the club pay you in donuts last week, cause that is all you bought us on Sunday.

 

[Matera92]

Did the club pay you in donuts last week, cause that is all you bought us on Sunday.

View attachment 2099592

If you're relying on me to win us games from the forward pocket then our season is as cooked as your captaincy.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Did the club pay you in donuts last week, cause that is all you bought us on Sunday.

View attachment 2099592

Be nice to Penguin92.

He tries his best

 

[Art Vandelay_]

If you're relying on me to win us games from the forward pocket then our season is as cooked as your captaincy.

Translation: Matera92 thinks he deserves a more prime position.

 

[Millky95]

If you're relying on me to win us games from the forward pocket then our season is as cooked as your captaincy.

Ooooh do I smell a coup?

 

[tony]

If you're relying on me to win us games from the forward pocket then our season is as cooked as your captaincy.

Very true, I'm more cooked than tonight's dinner. I’ve completely failed to uphold the time honoured Bears captain tradition of rigging the Mateflon and other awards in my favour.

 

[Millky95]

Very true, I'm more cooked than tonight's dinner. I’ve completely failed to uphold the time honoured Bears captain tradition of rigging the Mateflon and other awards in my favour.

You're more of a rig the wider SFA awards against others type of guy

 

[tony]

Ooooh do I smell a coup?

Please let it be true

 

[Falconista]

Ooooh do I smell a coup?

Hi Millky and Bears,
Could you please send one the Gumbies way once you're done.
Many thanks.

 

[tony]

You're more of a rig the wider SFA awards against others type of guy

For some unknown reason, I feel like you would be another one celebrating my demise

 

[Millky95]

Hi Millky and Bears,
Could you please send one the Gumbies way once you're done.
Many thanks.

My lawyers may be in touch

 

[tony]

Hi Millky and Bears,
Could you please send one the Gumbies way once you're done.
Many thanks.

The Bears dream big but are too lazy to do anything

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Ooooh do I smell a coup?

Trying to instigate a coup with Fat Tony.

 

[Matera92]

Very true, I'm more cooked than tonight's dinner. I’ve completely failed to uphold the time honoured Bears captain tradition of rigging the Mateflon and other awards in my favour.

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

 

[tony]

For people who can't be bothered reading the full review, this sums up Matera's and the Bears week in Mount Buller
​

Round 6: Bears vs. Demons - A Frosty Lesson at the Snow Dome​

The Las Vegas Bears marched into the icy stronghold of the undefeated Demons at the Snow Dome, looking to end their hot streak. Unfortunately, from the moment we rushed the first behind to the Demons just two minutes in, it was clear that luck wasn't on our side. In fact, it seemed like our best work for the day was helping the Demons boost their score!

First Quarter: The Cold, Hard Truth​

MWPP managed to get us on the board early with a goal, and for a brief moment, it looked like we might match the Demons stride for stride. But then, like an avalanche gathering momentum, the opposition began to overwhelm us. Despite a late goal from Millky95 to keep us in touch, the Demons led by 17 points at quarter time, and the Bears were already feeling the chill.

Second Quarter: A Glimmer of Hope​

The second term saw Art Vandelay_ and Shadow Man bring some much needed spark to our forward line, trimming the margin back to 13 points at one stage. However, the Demons had other plans. A few more goals ensured the momentum stayed firmly in their favour. By the main break, we were down by 14, and their undefeated streak looked like it was only gaining more steam.

Third Quarter: Sliding Downhill​

As the snow piled up outside, so did the Demons’ score. The third quarter felt like an uphill battle in a snowstorm. Each time we tried to claw our way back, they responded with crushing blows. Art Vandelay_ and MKMatty's efforts barely kept us from freezing over. The gap stretched to 43 points by the final break. It was clear we needed more than a pep talk, maybe a snowplow to dig us out of trouble. Does anyone have the number for Mr Plow?

Final Quarter: Blizzard Warning​

The final quarter saw us fighting valiantly against the blizzard. Art Vandelay_ kept trying to warm us up with his accuracy, and Senor M chipped in as well, but every time we dared to hope, the Demons iced it with another goal. They just kept pushing, and despite some late goals from Cap and Art Vandelay_, they still won comfortably by 52 points. If not for our accuracy, the score line would have looked a lot worse for us.

Final Thoughts:​

The Bears came to the Snow Dome with every intention of taking the fight to the undefeated Demons, but after rushing that first behind, it felt like we never got another proper look-in. They were ruthless and clinical, and we learned just how unforgiving it can be to play catch up in the snow. We leave Mount Buller licking our wounds, knowing we'll need to bring more fire and focus in the rounds to come.

Still, it wasn’t all doom and gloom, Art Vandelay_ showed his knack for finding the goals, and there's always the next game to turn things around. After all, no storm lasts forever.

Looking Ahead:​

With the bye coming up in Round 7, we’ll have a week to regroup and refocus. Currently sitting 7th on the ladder with the second worst percentage in the competition, there’s plenty of work to do. But this Bears team is nothing if not resilient. Bring on Round 8!

Las Vegas Bears Player Stats Review - Round 6​

The Bears might not have come out victorious against the Demons at the Snow Dome, but there were several noteworthy individual performances. Here’s a breakdown of how the team fared:

Standout Performers​

• Chipmunk was a shining light for the Bears, collecting 12 kicks, 14 marks, and 18 handballs. His 112 Dream Team points led the team, showcasing his relentless work rate and versatility across the ground. Despite not hitting the scoreboard, his efforts in intercepting and distributing the ball were crucial.
• Cap continued to prove why he's one of the Bears' most reliable players. He racked up 11 hit-outs, 14 kicks, and 7 handballs while laying 4 tackles and contributing a goal and 2 behinds. His 90 DT points reflected his all-around impact in the game.
• Shadow Man also stood out with a solid performance, amassing 11 kicks and 10 handballs. He was a presence around the ground and contributed defensively with 4 tackles. With 72 DT points and a goal to his name, he showed why he’s a valuable asset to the Bears’ midfield.

Key Contributors​

• Art Vandelay had a strong presence up forward with 4 goals and a behind, which was instrumental in keeping the Bears in the game. Although his disposals were low (5 kicks, 0 handballs), his goal accuracy ensured that the Bears had a target up front.
• kane249 provided consistent ball use with 14 kicks and 12 handballs. His 79 DT points were reflective of his solid performance, although he couldn’t find the goals himself.
• Millky95 demonstrated his defensive pressure by laying 6 tackles and contributing a goal. His 72 DT points were a testament to his ability to make an impact on both ends of the ground.
• SSSSSS had a balanced game with 12 kicks, 9 marks, and 6 handballs, racking up 76 DT points. His clean hands and marking ability were evident as he helped the team transition from defense to attack.

Role Players​

• JoshWoodenSpoon, while not having a standout game, contributed with 5 kicks, 6 marks, and 9 handballs. His presence was felt in the contests and in linking up play.
• Test Tickle and tony also put in commendable efforts. Tony’s 10 kicks, 5 marks, and 8 handballs added valuable support in the defensive battles, while Test Tickle’s 8 kicks and 7 handballs showed his commitment to the contest.
• Senor M managed to slot a goal despite limited possessions (4 kicks, 3 marks), highlighting his efficiency up forward.

Areas to Improve​

• Players like I Dont Care, Matera92, and JoseMourinho struggled to make an impact on the day, with Matera92 particularly having a tough time, resulting in -3 DT points. These players will be looking to bounce back and have a greater influence in the upcoming matches.
• Electronic_Renaissance and RonnieRaven had quieter games compared to their usual standards, both contributing minimally to the scoreboard and in general play.

Conclusion​

Despite the loss, there were several strong performances that the Bears can build on. Players like Chipmunk, Cap, and Art Vandelay_ showed that the team has the talent to challenge the best. With a focus on improving their consistency and getting more out of their role players, the Bears can look to bounce back strongly in the upcoming rounds.

This review was written, funded, and edited by Art Vandelay_. Because if there's one thing he enjoys more than scoring goals, it's reminding everyone he did and Matera92 didn't.



Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

 

[tony]

Matera92’s Mysterious Form Slump: A Deep Dive into the Theories​

By Artie Scribe, Completely Unbiased Sports Reporter

In the wake of Matera92's 3 goal first quarter against the Gumbies in Round 5, the Las Vegas Bears faithful were buzzing. Yet, since that electrifying start, Matera92 has gone a staggering 7 quarters without recording a single possession. Now, if I were a good journalist, I’d probably go and ask Matera92 about this bewildering form slump. But a) I’m not a good journalist and b) that involves actual effort, so let’s just speculate wildly instead.

Matera92 himself provided a clue in his post match interview after the Gumbies game, stating, “The club only paid me for one quarter, so that’s all the effort I gave.” That’s an intriguing claim and could very well explain his dip in performance. But let’s explore some other possible reasons behind this sudden drought of disposals.

Working with the Russian Mafia?​

Rumour has it that Matera92’s lack of possessions could be linked to something far more sinister than mere lack of motivation. Whispers around the league suggest he’s got ties to the Russian mafia. Apparently, he’s helping them rig games and manipulate his own possession and goal counts so they can rake in cash betting on Sweet FA matches. Is this why he’s gone missing on the field? Are his empty stat lines part of a grander conspiracy? One can only wonder... or wildly speculate, as I'm doing now.

A Long Simmering Revenge Plot Against tony​

Back in Season 36, Matera92 was removed from the coveted full forward spot by team captain tony. And if there's one thing Matera has, it's a long memory. Rumour has it that since then, he’s been plotting his revenge with all the subtlety of a Shakespearean villain. What better way to settle the score than by ghosting on the field and letting tony squirm as the team’s form suffers? It’s the kind of deep seated vendetta that would make even the most hardened soap opera writers blush.

Crafting Rare NFTs by Not Scoring Goals​

Here’s a modern twist to consider: by not kicking goals, Matera92 is actually increasing the rarity and therefore the value of any NFTs of him scoring goals. Could he be using his current goal drought as a clever marketing ploy to make his existing goal kicking NFTs skyrocket in value? While the Bears suffer on the field, Matera92 is busy making virtual fortunes. After all, what’s more 2024 than digital assets over actual ones?

Enrolled in an Online Course on Zen and the Art of Qooty​

Matera92 has always been a bit of a deep thinker, and recently, he’s taken it to the next level by enrolling in an online course on Zen and the Art of Qooty. The course teaches that true mastery of the game comes from inner peace and detachment from material possessions, including the qooty itself. So, while his teammates are scrambling for the ball, Matera92 is practicing mindfulness and focusing on his breathing. After all, who needs possessions when you can achieve enlightenment on the field? His mantra: “The ball will come to those who do not seek it.”

​

Taking Advice from Mysterious Voices?​

Another rumour doing the rounds is that Matera92 has been listening to “voices” that are giving him rather unconventional advice. These mysterious voices are reportedly telling him not to chase the ball but to "let it come to him naturally." Unfortunately for the Bears, it seems the qooty hasn't been getting those same spiritual messages. Could this be some new age approach to the game, or has Matera92 simply lost the plot? Either way, his possession count speaks for itself.

In the end, who really knows why Matera92’s form has plummeted so dramatically? Whether it’s unpaid wages, revenge, shady dealings, NFTs, or some misguided spiritual awakening, the mystery deepens. One thing’s for certain: the Bears could use a little more effort and a few more touches from their enigmatic star.

This article was totally unbiased, meticulously researched, and definitely not influenced by Art Vandelay_, who may or may not have something against Matera92. But who’s counting?