Official Team Thread Las Vegas Bears S38 Official Team Thread ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ 🎰 Now Hibernating

[Art Vandelay_]

Anyone keen to preserve Matera92 sub-zero performance come and see me. We are making framed posters of his stat line in various sizes, we also will have it printed on T-shirts and will have wallet sized laminated copies.

For when Qooty life gets you down you can have a good chuckle at shitness

 

[Millky95]

Imagine being shit at qooty

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

You just can't funge this kind of Bears quality.

 

[SSSSSS]

Another 0 tackle game from me.

 

[I Dont Care]

Imagine being shit at qooty

One can only dream

 

[Gralin]

For anyone interested Margin Mania starts this round

Competition - Season 38 SFA Margin Mania

That's right sweet, Dinsdale game is back but this time he has a chance to win it himself this season. The Game will run from Rounds 7-18, plus the Grand Final bonus points The Rules Each week you need to pick 1 team, that is different from all previous weeks picks. You will get their winning...

www.bigfooty.com

 

[Matera92]

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Still yet to get a FF. I am the Tom Hawkins

26

Tom Hawkins

Age

36

Ht

197cm

Wt

105kg

Pos.

Fwd

Career

Season

Last 5

D

12.2

3star

K

7.9

3star

HB

4.4

3star

M

5.5

5star

T

1.9

4star

G

2.1

5star

D

12.7

3star

K

8.6

3star

HB

4.1

3star

M

5.1

5star

T

2.1

3star

G

1.6

5star

D

7.8

2star

K

5.6

3star

HB

2.2

2star

M

4.2

4star

T

1.0

3star

G

2.2

5star

of Qooty.
Unfairly judged by the Qumpires of Sweet

 

[Art Vandelay_]

View attachment 2099991

Matera92’s Mysterious Form Slump: A Deep Dive into the Theories​

By Artie Scribe, Completely Unbiased Sports Reporter

In the wake of Matera92's 3 goal first quarter against the Gumbies in Round 5, the Las Vegas Bears faithful were buzzing. Yet, since that electrifying start, Matera92 has gone a staggering 7 quarters without recording a single possession. Now, if I were a good journalist, I’d probably go and ask Matera92 about this bewildering form slump. But a) I’m not a good journalist and b) that involves actual effort, so let’s just speculate wildly instead.

Matera92 himself provided a clue in his post match interview after the Gumbies game, stating, “The club only paid me for one quarter, so that’s all the effort I gave.” That’s an intriguing claim and could very well explain his dip in performance. But let’s explore some other possible reasons behind this sudden drought of disposals.

Working with the Russian Mafia?​

Rumour has it that Matera92’s lack of possessions could be linked to something far more sinister than mere lack of motivation. Whispers around the league suggest he’s got ties to the Russian mafia. Apparently, he’s helping them rig games and manipulate his own possession and goal counts so they can rake in cash betting on Sweet FA matches. Is this why he’s gone missing on the field? Are his empty stat lines part of a grander conspiracy? One can only wonder... or wildly speculate, as I'm doing now.

A Long Simmering Revenge Plot Against tony​

Back in Season 36, Matera92 was removed from the coveted full forward spot by team captain tony. And if there's one thing Matera has, it's a long memory. Rumour has it that since then, he’s been plotting his revenge with all the subtlety of a Shakespearean villain. What better way to settle the score than by ghosting on the field and letting tony squirm as the team’s form suffers? It’s the kind of deep seated vendetta that would make even the most hardened soap opera writers blush.

Crafting Rare NFTs by Not Scoring Goals​

Here’s a modern twist to consider: by not kicking goals, Matera92 is actually increasing the rarity and therefore the value of any NFTs of him scoring goals. Could he be using his current goal drought as a clever marketing ploy to make his existing goal kicking NFTs skyrocket in value? While the Bears suffer on the field, Matera92 is busy making virtual fortunes. After all, what’s more 2024 than digital assets over actual ones?

Enrolled in an Online Course on Zen and the Art of Qooty​

Matera92 has always been a bit of a deep thinker, and recently, he’s taken it to the next level by enrolling in an online course on Zen and the Art of Qooty. The course teaches that true mastery of the game comes from inner peace and detachment from material possessions, including the qooty itself. So, while his teammates are scrambling for the ball, Matera92 is practicing mindfulness and focusing on his breathing. After all, who needs possessions when you can achieve enlightenment on the field? His mantra: “The ball will come to those who do not seek it.”

View attachment 2100001​

Taking Advice from Mysterious Voices?​

Another rumour doing the rounds is that Matera92 has been listening to “voices” that are giving him rather unconventional advice. These mysterious voices are reportedly telling him not to chase the ball but to "let it come to him naturally." Unfortunately for the Bears, it seems the qooty hasn't been getting those same spiritual messages. Could this be some new age approach to the game, or has Matera92 simply lost the plot? Either way, his possession count speaks for itself.

In the end, who really knows why Matera92’s form has plummeted so dramatically? Whether it’s unpaid wages, revenge, shady dealings, NFTs, or some misguided spiritual awakening, the mystery deepens. One thing’s for certain: the Bears could use a little more effort and a few more touches from their enigmatic star.

This article was totally unbiased, meticulously researched, and definitely not influenced by Art Vandelay_, who may or may not have something against Matera92. But who’s counting?

This has just been nominated for a Quill award. Wonderful prose!

 

[Chipmunk]

View attachment 2099991

Matera92’s Mysterious Form Slump: A Deep Dive into the Theories​

By Artie Scribe, Completely Unbiased Sports Reporter

In the wake of Matera92's 3 goal first quarter against the Gumbies in Round 5, the Las Vegas Bears faithful were buzzing. Yet, since that electrifying start, Matera92 has gone a staggering 7 quarters without recording a single possession. Now, if I were a good journalist, I’d probably go and ask Matera92 about this bewildering form slump. But a) I’m not a good journalist and b) that involves actual effort, so let’s just speculate wildly instead.

Matera92 himself provided a clue in his post match interview after the Gumbies game, stating, “The club only paid me for one quarter, so that’s all the effort I gave.” That’s an intriguing claim and could very well explain his dip in performance. But let’s explore some other possible reasons behind this sudden drought of disposals.

Working with the Russian Mafia?​

Rumour has it that Matera92’s lack of possessions could be linked to something far more sinister than mere lack of motivation. Whispers around the league suggest he’s got ties to the Russian mafia. Apparently, he’s helping them rig games and manipulate his own possession and goal counts so they can rake in cash betting on Sweet FA matches. Is this why he’s gone missing on the field? Are his empty stat lines part of a grander conspiracy? One can only wonder... or wildly speculate, as I'm doing now.

A Long Simmering Revenge Plot Against tony​

Back in Season 36, Matera92 was removed from the coveted full forward spot by team captain tony. And if there's one thing Matera has, it's a long memory. Rumour has it that since then, he’s been plotting his revenge with all the subtlety of a Shakespearean villain. What better way to settle the score than by ghosting on the field and letting tony squirm as the team’s form suffers? It’s the kind of deep seated vendetta that would make even the most hardened soap opera writers blush.

Crafting Rare NFTs by Not Scoring Goals​

Here’s a modern twist to consider: by not kicking goals, Matera92 is actually increasing the rarity and therefore the value of any NFTs of him scoring goals. Could he be using his current goal drought as a clever marketing ploy to make his existing goal kicking NFTs skyrocket in value? While the Bears suffer on the field, Matera92 is busy making virtual fortunes. After all, what’s more 2024 than digital assets over actual ones?

Enrolled in an Online Course on Zen and the Art of Qooty​

Matera92 has always been a bit of a deep thinker, and recently, he’s taken it to the next level by enrolling in an online course on Zen and the Art of Qooty. The course teaches that true mastery of the game comes from inner peace and detachment from material possessions, including the qooty itself. So, while his teammates are scrambling for the ball, Matera92 is practicing mindfulness and focusing on his breathing. After all, who needs possessions when you can achieve enlightenment on the field? His mantra: “The ball will come to those who do not seek it.”

View attachment 2100001​

Taking Advice from Mysterious Voices?​

Another rumour doing the rounds is that Matera92 has been listening to “voices” that are giving him rather unconventional advice. These mysterious voices are reportedly telling him not to chase the ball but to "let it come to him naturally." Unfortunately for the Bears, it seems the qooty hasn't been getting those same spiritual messages. Could this be some new age approach to the game, or has Matera92 simply lost the plot? Either way, his possession count speaks for itself.

In the end, who really knows why Matera92’s form has plummeted so dramatically? Whether it’s unpaid wages, revenge, shady dealings, NFTs, or some misguided spiritual awakening, the mystery deepens. One thing’s for certain: the Bears could use a little more effort and a few more touches from their enigmatic star.

This article was totally unbiased, meticulously researched, and definitely not influenced by Art Vandelay_, who may or may not have something against Matera92. But who’s counting?

This entire article made me think of Rita Skeeter from the Daily Prophet:

 

[tony]

This has just been nominated for a Quill award. Wonderful prose!

To think all my teachers told me I’d amount to nothing. Well, I sure showed them, captain of the Bears and now this, a Quill Award nomination. I’d rub it in if they hadn’t all mysteriously disappeared years ago.

This entire article made me think of Rita Skeeter from the Daily Prophet:

View attachment 2100888

I have to be honest, I had to google her cause I had no idea who she was and of course she is a Harry Potter character.

 

[tony]

​

After 6 games, every player who has taken the field has registered at least one kick, but it seems Art Vandelay isn’t a fan of handballing, he's yet to give one off. MWPP isn't much different, with only a single handball to her name this season. Millky’s love affair with the umpires continues as he leads the team in Frees For, with Shadow Man and Cap also getting favorable treatment. On the other hand, Frees Against is more evenly distributed, though Chipmunk, Joshwoodenspoon, and Ronnie have found themselves on the wrong side of the whistle the most. We've had 19 different goalkickers, with only RookiePick, Electronic Renaissance, and Tony yet to hit the scoreboard. Even Tommycash, with just one kick for the season, managed to slot a goal with that single effort. Three players, Art, Matera, and MWPP have hit double figures for goals, with MWPP also leading the way in behinds. In terms of disposals, four players have topped the 100 mark: Chipmunk, Cap, Shadow Man, and SSSSSS. Cap has also become the first player to crack 500 Dream Team points this season, with Chipmunk hot on his heels.




After 7 Rounds we currently sit in 7th position with the worst percentage in the league due to all of our losses being thrashings and our wins being small ones. Our 3 losses have been by a combined 190 points and in our 3 wins we have scraped through by just 23 points across the three wins. This week, we face off against the 11th placed Hawks.




Posting Stats
It's been fantastic to see our team showing up each week and having a blast together. We're averaging just over 18 people posting regularly, and that’s what makes us such a strong and lively group. It’s not about who’s posting the most, it’s about all of us being here, joining in the fun, and keeping the team spirit alive.

Whether you're posting a little or a lot, every contribution adds to the vibe and energy of our team. So, let’s keep showing up, keep the banter flowing, and enjoy this ride together.

Art Vandelay_ Cap Chipmunk CountryLad Electronic_Renaissance Fizzler Grin I Dont Care Jezmiester40 JoseMourinho JoshWoodenSpoon kane249 Matera92 Millky95 MKMatty Muddiemoose MWPP RonnieRaven RookiePick Senor M Shadow Man SSSSSS Tandy Test Tickle Tommycash

 

[tony]

SSSSSS and the Case of the Missing Tackles: A Deep Dive into the Mystery​

By Artie Scribe, Completely Unbiased Sports Reporter

It’s time to turn the spotlight onto another Las Vegas Bears enigma, SSSSSS and his curious aversion to tackling. Through 6 rounds of the season, SSSSSS has recorded a grand total of one tackle. Yes, you read that right, one solitary tackle. And if you’re thinking that tackle came after a bone crunching chase down or a ferocious bump, think again. That single tackle was against the Gumbies, and it only happened because an opposition player tripped over his own feet and fell into SSSSSS’s arms like they were long lost lovers in a rom-com.

​

Now, if I were a diligent journalist, I’d interview SSSSSS and get to the bottom of this tackling drought. But as established in my previous work, effort isn’t my strong suit. So, let’s engage in some classic, baseless speculation to uncover why SSSSSS has been so tackle-averse this season.

Protecting His Perfect Manicure​

It’s no secret that SSSSSS is meticulous about his appearance. Rumour has it he books himself in for a professional manicure before every game. And who could blame him? A well maintained set of nails can be a game changer, just not in qooty. The word around the club is that he refuses to tackle because he doesn’t want to risk breaking a nail. And really, what’s more terrifying: a charging midfielder or a chipped cuticle?

Too Busy With Laundry Duty​

It turns out, SSSSSS’s commitment to staying clean goes beyond just his nails. Sources close to the club have revealed that his mum kicked him out of the house the moment he joined a qooty team, citing “an aversion to grass stains” as the main reason. Now living on his own, SSSSSS has discovered the horrors of doing his own laundry. To avoid having to wash his uniform after every game, he’s decided it’s easier just to avoid getting it dirty altogether. No tackles, no stains, no laundry, problem solved.

Waiting for the Right Moment… That Never Comes​

Some say that SSSSSS is a patient strategist, waiting for the “perfect tackle opportunity” that will surely change the course of the game and earn him legendary status. The problem is, this elusive moment has yet to arrive. Maybe he’s waiting for Mercury to be in retrograde, or perhaps for a full moon on a Wednesday. Until then, he’s content to keep waiting, eyes wide open and arms firmly by his sides.

A Devotee of 'Touchless Qooty'​

In a bizarre turn of events, SSSSSS has reportedly embraced a new qooty philosophy: “Touchless Qooty.” This groundbreaking approach suggests that the less physical contact you make, the more energy you’ll conserve for, well… standing around. While his teammates run themselves ragged making tackles and contesting the ball, SSSSSS remains zen-like, conserving his energy for what really matters, keeping his hair perfectly in place throughout the match.

Fear of Accidental Tackles​

After his accidental tackle against the Gumbies, SSSSSS has been on high alert to make sure it never happens again. Sources claim that he was deeply shaken by his accidental embrace of an opponent and has since made a vow to avoid any similar mishaps. His strategy? If an opponent comes near, he sidesteps them like a matador avoiding a bull. While it’s certainly a unique defensive approach, it’s not exactly helping his tackle count.

Distracted by the Rumour Mill​

Rumour has it SSSSSS spends a lot of his game time in deep thought, not about tactics or strategies, but pondering the many rumours about him. Is he too pretty for qooty? Should he consider a career in hand modelling? Is he truly the future of “Touchless Qooty”? With so much on his mind, who can blame him for losing track of the game unfolding around him?

At the end of the day, the mystery of SSSSSS’s missing tackles may never be fully solved. Whether it’s a deep seated commitment to personal grooming, a distaste for dirty laundry, or a new age approach to qooty, one thing’s for sure: the Las Vegas Bears have a tackling conundrum on their hands. As for SSSSSS? Well, he’s got a fresh manicure to show off, and in his book, that’s a win.

 

[SSSSSS]

2 : 12.52 {rW} - Brick Loosener is crunched in a tackle by SSSSSS.



I'm never tackling again. I don't get enough danger pay for that shit.

I'll save my tackling for the post-game showers.

 

[Art Vandelay_]

I mean who am I meant to handpass to exactly...
matera? Pffft he shanks easy goals. You'd be better off handpassing it to the local Div 5 ressies fat bloke.

 

[Matera92]

 

[Art Vandelay_]

Be better, not bitter

 

[Matera92]

Be better, not bitter

 

[Art Vandelay_]

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

2 : 12.52 {rW} - Brick Loosener is crunched in a tackle by SSSSSS.

View attachment 2105577

I'm never tackling again. I don't get enough danger pay for that shit.

I'll save my tackling for the post-game showers.

This league just does not take the risk of concussion seriously if it lets acts like this go unpunished.

 

[tony]

Reaching 250 games is no small feat, but for MWPP, it's just another chapter in her remarkable career. From her very first game, she's been a force on the field and a pillar of support off it. Her influence on the game, and even more so on her teammates, has made her an unforgettable part of the Bears and the wider Sweet FA.

MWPP’s career began back in Season 23 with the Gold City Royals, where she first showed flashes of brilliance. When she joined the Bears in Season 27, her impact was immediate, cementing her place as a core part of our team and stepped up as captain when the team needed her most. Though she took a brief detour with the Phoenix/Hawks in Season 34, MWPP returned to her true home the very next season and the Bears couldn’t be more grateful for her return.

MWPP isn’t just known for her skills but for the heart she brings to the Bears. She’s always checking up on her teammates, ensuring that everyone is supported both on and off the field. Her sense of camaraderie and leadership has left a lasting impact, fostering a positive and inclusive atmosphere for all. Whether it’s lending a hand or a listening ear, MWPP exemplifies what it means to be a great teammate.

But it’s not all about hard work with MWPP. She has her playful side too, particularly when @Jezmiester40’s curry puffs come into play. They’ve become her secret to success, fueling her with the energy she needs to kick crucial goals. And after she sends the ball through the middle, her favourite way to celebrate is to have a dance with Dingster.

MWPP’s performances on the field speak for themselves. From her 36 disposal game to her stunning 6 goal haul against the Gumbies, she has proven time and again that she’s among the league’s elite. Her defensive tenacity, highlighted by 11 tackles in a single game, shows just how much she’s willing to put on the line for the team.

Her journey is decorated with accolades, and for good reason:

2x Bears Best and Fairest Winner
3x Captain's Award Winner
2x Best Club Player Award Winner
1x Best Defender Award Winner
1x Best Forward Award Winner
3x All-SFA Selections
Season 31 SpudQoach Award
State of Origin Series XIX boncer34 Medallist

This 250 game milestone isn’t just about the stats or accolades, it’s about the heart and spirit MWPP brings to every single game. She has shaped the Bears’ culture, fostering unity, strength, and a touch of fun that defines who we are today. From game winning plays to her contagious celebrations, MWPP is truly a cornerstone of this team.

Here’s to MWPP, a magical presence on the field and an even more remarkable person off it. Congratulations on reaching 250 games, and here’s to many more to come. We’re proud to have you with us, weaving your magic every step of the way!

​

I met MWPP on the death metal board of BigFooty. Wearing her trademark Death Eater outfit, the first thing she said to me was ‘I wouldn’t be caught dead in an Eagles guernsey doing brunch and then karaoke in the evening’.
One thing she has shown, however, is her love for the Bears. In her 250th game now, her passion is unrivalled and she’ll never be a beta . A true friend, congrats on this milestone and here’s to many more successes.
- Chipmunk

Em-Dub
You are one in a million.
Thanks for making me feel so welcome as a newbie in SFA and W.W.
Your enthusiasm and encouragement make this weird little place very special for me.
Love Horsie. Xx
- myblueroan

Many people won't know that before she joined the world of SFA, MWPP had an interesting past as a Curse-Breaker with Gringott's Wizarding Bank, finding objects and breaking their curses with charms of her own. She also moonlighted as an Auror, helping rid the world of evil, before she finally settled in her role at St Mungo's, saving the lives of Muggles, Squibs, Witches and Wizards alike. One day however, she came across a blank piece of parchment in the crook of a tree. Some words came to her, and she whispered, I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Suddenly, a map appeared on the parchment. It lead her all the way to Sweet, and there she found the SFA. The rest, they say, is history. Congratulations on 250 games my dear friend, and hopefully there'll be 250 more before you ever say Mischief Managed.
- por_please_ya

No surprises MWPP has hit 250 games, I knew from the moment she jumped in the hot tub with myself PorPleaseYa and VainGlorious that you had what it took to be a professional qooty player.
Congrats MWPP on a great game milestone.

- Tigerturbulance

"I don't normally comment on milestones that end in a 50 however there are some times I am happy to make an exception. Congratulations on your milestone week MWPP. One of the kindest and hardest workers we have in the Sweet FA, you're a genuine veteran now"
- The Filth Wizard

MWPP is my partner in crime. Whether it be winning Sweet Has Talent comps, co-owning several businesses, holding multiple wrestling titles or bailing Matera92 out in the wee hours of the morning, we do it in style. Grats on 250 and great work re-writing Art Vandelay_ into the part of Dobby in the complete Harry Potter series.
- Dingster

 

[Braklet]

Congrats on your two and a half... things, MWPP!

now off to the Duke football game for me

 

[Dingster]

Tigerturbulance doesn't look impressed with all that attention in the hot tub MWPP Happy 250th my talented dancing partner.

 

[por_please_ya]

I met MWPP on the death metal board of BigFooty. Wearing her trademark Death Eater outfit, the first thing she said to me was ‘I wouldn’t be caught dead in an Eagles guernsey doing brunch and then karaoke in the evening’.

 

[MWPP]

Thanks so much for putting this together tony and co . Enjoyed the summary/bio (was reminded of stuff from long ago) and especially loved the wonderful wishes /tributes - a mix of creativity and heart.