Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

[LeverPuller]

Beamer's new tattoo is in German:

"The Mark, The."
or
"Die Mark, Die"

 

[Eth]

Melbourne troll (after any game this season): Last night’s Melbourne match was, without a doubt, the worst game ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Dean Bailey (after 186): I’ve had it with this team, Schwabby. Low scores, draft after draft of ugly, ugly players…

Cale Morton: I'm allergic to physical contact. It causes me to, uh, die.

Morton: Human contact; the final frontier.

Mark Neeld (after his first game as coach): I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Neeld: That's why I love the Demons, Craigy. The players believe anything you tell them.

 

[Marlowe]

[Neeld at post-game Press Conference]

Neeld: Uhh . .I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the game plan. Any questions at all. Yes, Hutchie?
Hutchie: Is the game plan carbon based or silicon based?
Neeld: Uhhhhh . . The second one. Zillophone. Next question!
Robbo: Is the game plan Santa Claus?
Neeld: Ahh, yes.
Barret: You were on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?
Neeld: This interview is over! [Neeld storms out of the room]

 

[Slander]

No beer & no TV makes Beamer go something, something...

 

[PitchBlease]

[2010: Dean Bailey's Demons training session]
All:[Marching around a circle of chairs to music]I like me, I like me, I'm as good as... [eyeing Bails with hand on record player]
Bailey stops music. All run to chairs, of which there are ample number
Bailey Hooray! Everyone's a winner!
$cully: *shudder*

 

[d33my]

Stef Martin: I have a feeling that Mr. Sellar is going to have a little accident that might keep him from playing with us next week, heh heh heh.
Sellar: [walking in, leaning on Neeld] Mark, I'm afraid I won't be able to play next week. My old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again.
Martin: [masked, with a cane] Take that! [bashes Sellar on the leg with a cane, runs off]
Sellar: Ooh! Mark...that precision assault popped it back into place. Thank you, masked stranger!


Dear Mr. Neeld,
There are too many players on our team nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot
Melbourne Supporter


Neeld in bed with his wife after another long day at the office.

Neeld: Oh, honey, we were so close to winning the premiership. Now, thanks to a complete lack of skill or passion from our entire team, it's never going to happen. And I spent so much time building that trophy case.
[shot of pieces of wood with the 1989 pre-season cup atop it]
Mrs. Neeld: Mark, maybe your team will play a great season, and you will win the premiership!
Neeld: So you're saying...we're definitely going to win? Woo hoo!
[grabs pre-season cup] I won't need this any more!
[tries flushing it; tries again and again and again]
Honey, someone broke the toilet!

 

[Slander]

To the tune of 'Somebody I Used To Know' by Goyte

*Now and then I think of when you played for Melbourne
After Jordy Mac kicked that goal in two thousand and nine
Told myself that finally
We had a midfielder that could be elite
But after 31 games you left us last September*

You learn to tolerate an infinite amount of crapness
And speculation til the end always the end
So when you finally got off the fence
Showed you cared more about dollars than sense
Most of us were glad that it was over

Chorus: But you didn't have to flip us off
Hide up in Sydney texting like we meant nothing
It's not like you owe us much
*But we could've picked Dustin Martin instead & that kind of sucks

You didn't have to stoop so low
Who needs that kind of cash for crap haircuts and lemon lime & bitters?
Off to breakfast point you go
Now you're just somebody picked in front of Trengove

(Scully Verse)
*Now and then I think of when we went to China;*
The only one of you dropkicks who wasn't drunk
I don't want to roll that way
Plus six million is decent pay
I'll take a lemon lime & bitters to go
At least now you can afford Mitch Clark & Trengove
CHORUS

 

[Animosity]

Neeld: SO LONG 5 YEAR PLAN!

Neil Craig:

5 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks
5 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks
5 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks
5 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks
5 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks.

(neeld puts pen down craigs ass-crack)

THANKS A LOT NEELDY NOW I LOST MY CONCENTRATION!!

10 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks
10 year plan
Melbourne needs draft picks

 

[Dr Opkick]

Neeld - Nice to meet you.

BF Demons Board - Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 9 weeks you have caused myself, and the city of Melbourne, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Demons and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

Neeld - Hire this man!

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Neeldy was all set to watch the tape of last weekend's game, but it just didn't work out...

 

[maxmustard]

^Great movie, maybe we should play benson and hedges next week.

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Damn, you stole my thunder mate - I was going to go that way next

 

[LeverPuller]

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Good that we have more advanced training facilities now to improve our performance, of course...

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

Colin: I must say, Coach, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your
breakfast before the rigours of training begin.

Neeld: Well, it is said, Colin, that civilised man seeks out good and
intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may
rise above the savage and closer to God.

Colin: Yes, I've heard that.

Neeld: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total d*ckhead
to remind me I'm best.

 

[Klyntonius]

Colin Sylvia: Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
Neeld: What are you talking about? It's the game review video, there is nothing like that in there!
Colin Sylvia: Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

N: Gary, may I offer my congratulations?

G: Well, thanks, Neeld. That pompous babboon won't be back in a hurry.

N: Oh, on the contrary, sir. Mick Malthouse left in the highest of spirits.

G: What?

N: He is utterly thrilled at your promise to purchase his game plan.

G: I told him to sod off, didn't I?

N: Yes, sir, but that was a joke...surely.

G: Was it?

N: Certainly! and a brilliant one once more.

G: (happy at the idea he managed to pull off a joke, pretends that it was
his intention all along) Yes, yes! I...er...suppose it was, rather,
wasn't it...

N: So may I deliver the cash to Mick as promised?

G: Well, of course. If that's what I promised, then that's what I must do.
...and I remember promising it distinctly.

N: Excellent. (to Craig) Nice fire, Craig.

C: Thank you, Mr. Neeld.

N: Right, let's get the game plan. Now; Craig, where's the game plan?

C: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?

N: Yes, Craig -- the game plan belonging to Mick.

C: You mean the balding fellow in the black coat who just left?

N: Yes, Craig -- Mick Malthouse.

C: So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging
to the balding fellow in the black coat who just left is.

N: Yes, Craig, I am, and if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing
with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the
soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time,
Craig: Where is Mick Malthouses's game plan?

C: On the fire.

N: (shocked) On the *what*?

C: The hot orangy thing under the stony mantlepiece.

N: You *burned* the game plan?

C: Yup.

N: You burned the life's work of AFL's foremost man of coaching?

C: Well, you did say "burn any old rubbish."

N: Yes, fine.

G: Isn't it, er...Isn't it going to be a bit difficult for me to purchase
this game plan if we've burnt it?

N: Yes, it is, sir. If you would excuse me a moment...

G: Oh, of course, of course. Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy
as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers.

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

N: Sir, I have been unable to replace the game plan. I am therefore leaving
immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.

G: Why?

N: Because if I stay here, Mick Malthouse's companions will have me brutally
murdered, sir.

G: Good God, Mark, that's terrible! (aside) Do you know any other
coaches?

N: And, of course, when the people discover you have burnt Mick's
game plan, they may go round saying, "Look! There's thick Gary. He's
got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."

G: In that case, something must be done!

C: I have a cunning plan, sir.

G: Hurrah! Well, that's that, then.

N: I wouldn't get overexcited, sir. I have a horrid suspicion that Craig's
plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous
signal at the Battle of the Nile: "England knows Lady Hamilton's a virgin.
Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong."

G: Great! Let's hear it, then.

C: It's brilliant. You take the string -- that's still not completely
burnt -- you scrape off the soot, and you shove the pages in again.

N: Which pages?

C: Well, not the same ones, of course.

N: Yes, I think I'm on the point of spotting the flaw in this plan, but do
go on. Which pages are they?

C: Well, this is the brilliant bit: You write some new ones.

N: ...some new ones. You mean rewrite the game plan. I sit down tonight and
rewrite the game plan that took Mick Malthouse ten years.

C: Yup.

N: Craig, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the
worst and most comtemptible plan in the history of the universe. On the
other hand, I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened,
and it's the only plan we've got, so if you will excuse me, gentlemen...

 

[00Stinger]

The Melbourne Players have been instructed to forgo Christmas this year and instead celebrate 'Festivus' as a team

Mark Neeld: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for Cale Morton. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
Jack Watts: "What happened to the doll?"
Mark Neeld: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"
Mark Neeld: "That must have been some kind of doll."
Jack Watts: "She was."

Like Christmas there is kind of a tree. Normally there is an aluminum pole raised in the middle of the room. However this year Melbourne Superstar A.Davey (2 time wooden spoon winner) has proposed that since the club has gone to great lengths to win 2 possibly 3 wooden spoons over the last 5 years, that maybe a giant wooden spoon should be raised instead.


Acitivities Include
Airing of Grievances
MarK Neeld and the players sit around the wooden spoon and he tells the players how they have disappointed him through out the season

MN: Hey Cale
Cale Morton: Yeah, Neeldy
MN: Your a fairy and I'm sick of seeing you run away from the ball
Cale Morton: I like balls, mmmmmmm!

MN: Colin
Colin Sylvia: Yeah coach?
MN: Why the **** did you do a runner from that car accident earlier in the year
Colin Sylvia: Um, I didn't want to get caught
MN: Then why the **** don't you run when we are playing footy?

MN: Hey Garland, get a new team profile photo. You look like you are smashed

MN: Jones, grow some ****ing hair
MN: Russian, stop growing so much hair
MN: Green get a toupee or shave your head. Either way your sacked
MN: Batey, no offense I hate rangas so piss off


Feats of Strength
This year festivus will not stop until the host has been pinned. Neeld can't wrestle so it will be a wrestle off with our two enforecers Morton & Watts.

Neeld: Now remember boys no hair pulling
(Looks at Morton who has Watts hair in his hands)
Morton: He started it

Festivus miracles
Nominations for this year.

(1) How Bate has got a game
(2) Us beating Collingwood in the pre-season
(3) Morton winning a contested ball
(4) Davey lasting until R9 before being dropped

 

[The Mighty Boosh]

Here's one for another team.

Buckley: You know Mick, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your arse, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the office, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? Are you being condescending right now?

Malthouse: Hmmm...

 

[Marlowe]

(Gary Lyon last year)

"I'm in charge now. I speak for this club. I mean ... I could if you wanted me to. I'd rather not, obviously. Don't know what I'd say. Why do I have to be the one? I don't need this. Why does this have to become my problem? No, I'm out. Forget it. Find somebody else. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of doing everything for this club."

 

[Crimson Azure]

Pre game speech:

 

[LeverPuller]

If this was on the Bay it'd be a TOTY contender...

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Half-time speech:

 

[Crimson Azure]

If this was on the Bay it'd be a TOTY contender...

Yep, MFC supporters are can extract the urine out of themselves better than any.