Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

A father passing by his son's bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[dirty2]

Why couldn't the pirate finish the alphabet.... He got stuck at C

 

[Duck Farmer]

Why couldn't the pirate finish the alphabet.... He got stuck at C

So it wasn't because he didn't need any letter other than R?

 

[davesnothere]

 

[Grave Danger]

View attachment 1550600

Still waiting for word on the Pope though.

 

[Relativity]

Still waiting for word on the Pope though.

 

[davesnothere]

Why don’t blind people bungee jump??

Because it scares the F*ck out of the dog…

 

[Portwon]

I think I may have said too many dad jokes to my youngest.....

I was outside last night stargazing and said come out and look at the moon and he came out and looked at me expecting my pants to be down.

They were but that's a different story.

 

[philreich]

What has 5 toes, but isn't your foot?

My foot.

 

[Duck Farmer]

This thread is all the poorer when philreich's hanging out in Mofra's Bottom 50 thread.

 

[philreich]

My son told me, "Dad - if I'm ever being kept barely alive by a machine, unable to communicate effectively, just pull the plug."

So I disconnected the Wi-Fi.

 

[FourthTimeAround]

A long time ago when I was 16, I was kidnapped by a group of 5 mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.


It was a great life experience for me however. Taught me the three unwritten rules of life...
1.
2.
3.


(A blind homeless person helped me with these. I asked him if he wanted to be a comedian, but he couldn’t see himself doing it.”

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[dirty2]

I asked my date to meet me at the gym and she didn't rock up...

That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

 

[Garibaldi Red]

 

[Garibaldi Red]

Heard a couple of other Kerry classics over the last couple of days

I told my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove past her (pasta)


I got myself a pet termite
I called him Clint
Clint Eats Wood

 

[philreich]

 

[philreich]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

 

[wannabejack]

 

[FourthTimeAround]

Man, Kerry is a national treasure when in that sort of form.

Would love to see him do a stand up gig one day.

 

[philreich]

 

[davesnothere]